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Should I tell her?

  • 18-05-2019 09:40AM
    #1
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    I've gotten to know a woman from my gym over the last few months. (I'm 25 & shes 23) When I met her she had a bf. I fancied her after a week but I kept it to myself seeing as though she had a bf. However, she broke up with him last month. We get on great. We've been hanging out more recently too and she invited me to go to yoga with her to lead me to believe that there could be something more possible.
    However, it all came crumbling down on Thursday when we met for Coffee. She told me she had broken up with the bf (this was the first time she actually told me because I found out from someone else initially) then she jokingly said, 'I feel like I want to be single for the next 5 years because I've been in relationship after relationship'. Now that's totally understandable that she feels like that. She has to learn how to be happy single but it's not good for my chances. She also preceded to tell me that she had met a guy last weekend kissed when she was hammered drunk but she didn't even like him etc and have lost contact.
    Safe to say my heart sank hearing all this. I never wanted to leave a cafe as much as I did then.
    Anyway, it's really obvious she has absolutely no interest in me like that but I don't know how to tackle this. Later that night, we went out with a few mates and she told me something really personal and said that I was the only person she has ever told that to and that I was so easy to talk to etc. This shows she does feel comfortable with me but nothing romantic.
    I'm thinking of telling her how I feel about her but that I understand that she's not looking for anything at the moment which means I may have to take a step back from our friendship to protect myself as I've tried to stay friends with someone I fancied before and i just ended up liking her more, making it harder to get over.
    I think for my own sake, I have to let her know how I feel so that I can get confirmation she doesn't like me so I can move on.
    Do people feel this is the best way to handle this?
    Thanks


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Comments

  • #2
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    If you’re ever wondering if you should tell someone you like them, the answer is almost always yes. The only times not is when it’s work and would make it difficult, if they have a partner obviously, and a few other really obvious variables. But there’s no shame in it, people fancy each other. That’s literally how every single one of us came into the world.

    I wouldn’t go about it the way you are though, like “You probably aren’t into me but...” See you fancying someone as a positive. Think about the positives you could bring to other people’s lives and think about how lucky having you would make them. Also be okay with the fact that they mightn’t see it, and that’s probably just poor judgement on their part but you can’t change that. Then approach it from a positive standpoint and bring it up. If it’s a no, fine, distance yourself if you feel you need to. But you don’t know until you ask and often how you ask and approach it will determine how far you get, don’t believe this friendzone nonsense you see in the likes of Buzzfeed articles, that’s waffle designed to get clicks.


  • #3
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    leggo wrote:
    If you’re ever wondering if you should tell someone you like them, the answer is almost always yes. The only times not is when it’s work and would make it difficult, if they have a partner obviously, and a few other really obvious variables. But there’s no shame in it, people fancy each other. That’s literally how every single one of us came into the world.


    I wouldn’t go about it the way you are though, like “You probably aren’t into me but...†See you fancying someone as a positive. Think about the positives you could bring to other people’s lives and think about how lucky having you would make them. Also be okay with the fact that they mightn’t see it, and that’s probably just poor judgement on their part but you can’t change that. Then approach it from a positive standpoint and bring it up. If it’s a no, fine, distance yourself if you feel you need to. But you don’t know until you ask and often how you ask and approach it will determine how far you get, don’t believe this friendzone nonsense you see in the likes of Buzzfeed articles, that’s waffle designed to get clicks.
    Thank you Leggo. Great advice. Should I leave out the part where she said she's not looking for anything right now? I feel that if I do it makes it look like I don't care about how she feels ATM.


  • #4
    eurokev
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 975 ✭✭✭eurokev


    I'd say she's trying to make you jealous to make a move, before she moves on to someone else.
    So make a move, if it works great, if not - then there's no point in being friends with someone you fancy anyway.
    So you are in a no lose situation anyway


  • #5
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    Thank you Leggo. Great advice. Should I leave out the part where she said she's not looking for anything right now? I feel that if I do it makes it look like I don't care about how she feels ATM.

    You’re way overthinking. People say stuff all the time and can change their mind when presented with a new option.


  • #6
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    eurokev wrote:
    I'd say she's trying to make you jealous to make a move, before she moves on to someone else. So make a move, if it works great, if not - then there's no point in being friends with someone you fancy anyway. So you are in a no lose situation anyway

    leggo wrote:
    You’re way overthinking. People say stuff all the time and can change their mind when presented with a new option.

    I really appreciate the feedback. I'm gonna tell her and as ye said, if she doesn't feel the same. No big deal, I just move on. Thank you


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  • #7
    hairyprincess
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,300 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    I really appreciate the feedback. I'm gonna tell her and as ye said, if she doesn't feel the same. No big deal, I just move on. Thank you

    You both may lose a good friend though. I’d wait it out a while. Right now she sees you as someone she can confide in, give her time to heal from her break up and let her figure out for herself that maybe you are something more.


  • #8
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    hairyprincess wrote:
    You both may lose a good friend though. I’d wait it out a while. Right now she sees you as someone she can confide in, give her time to heal from her break up and let her figure out for herself that maybe you are something more.

    That's true too. I love spending time with her. She's a breath of fresh air and it would be a pity to lose that. It's an awkward one.


  • #9
    Geminigal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭Geminigal


    Speaking as a woman my opinion is tell her. I am sure if nothing else she will be flattered and if she is the right girl for you it will happen either now or in time. If she says she is not interested it frees you to choose to stay friends or protect yourself from falling deeper.

    Good luck whatever you decide!


  • #10
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    Geminigal wrote:
    Speaking as a woman my opinion is tell her. I am sure if nothing else she will be flattered and if she is the right girl for you it will happen either now or in time. If she says she is not interested it frees you to choose to stay friends or protect yourself from falling deeper. Good luck whatever you decide!
    Thank you.


  • #11
    PARlance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,071 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    That's true too. I love spending time with her. She's a breath of fresh air and it would be a pity to lose that. It's an awkward one.

    Another "go for it" here OP. Honestly, no point waiting around. If it doesn't work out so be it. Imagine saying nothing and finding out she has met someone in a month or two... it's not worth not taking the risk.


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  • #12
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    PARlance wrote:
    Another "go for it" here OP. Honestly, no point waiting around. If it doesn't work out so be it. Imagine saying nothing and finding out she has met someone in a month or two... it's not worth not taking the risk.

    I think you're right, I'm gonna say something sooner rather than later.

    I was gonna message her rather than in person. Do people feel this is an acceptable way?


  • #13
    Ultimate Seduction
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,464 ✭✭✭Ultimate Seduction


    Have you told her yet? The longer you procastinate the harder it'll be. Just spit it out, send a text even if you too nervous to her face. Sounds like she's into you.


  • #14
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,454 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    To me she is giving you all the signs to make a move.


  • #15
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    On the night out I got the impression she was trying to set me up with her friend though (probably should have mentioned that) I could be wrong but surely that shows she's not into me.
    This was the night after the coffee.
    It was a mind feck of a day lol


  • #16
    fullstop
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,841 ✭✭✭✭fullstop


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    I think you're right, I'm gonna say something sooner rather than later.

    I was gonna message her rather than in person. Do people feel this is an acceptable way?

    No. Do it in person, don’t hide behind a text.


  • #17
    Geminigal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭Geminigal


    I think in person too.. But if it has to be by text maybe a voice note rather than a text message?? You should practice it a couple of times out loud first whatever you decide!

    I don't know if she is into you or not and her behaviours could be her not into you or her trying to test you to see if you are into her... but you are not gonna know either way until you tell her!


  • #18
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    Geminigal wrote:
    I think in person too.. But if it has to be by text maybe a voice note rather than a text message?? You should practice it a couple of times out loud first whatever you decide!


    I don't know if she is into you or not and her behaviours could be her not into you or her trying to test you to see if you are into her... but you are not gonna know either way until you tell her!

    I was actually thinking about voice note over text as we have speak with voice notes now and again. I'm fully not expecting a positive outcome which is good in a way because I can't really lose. Thanks Geminigal. Much appreciated.


  • #19
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,445 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    What are you hiding for? It's not a crime to fancy someone! Ask her, to her face. None of this voice note/text nonsense. That would most like put her off. Give her the option of giving you an answer to your face at the time of asking, that way If it doesn't go the way you want you can both get over the awkward 'how do we proceed now?' part straight away. Not doing it in person leaves you open to all sorts of misunderstanding and awkwardness later.

    Don't sell yourself short, man !


  • #20
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    Sardonicat wrote:
    What are you hiding for? It's not a crime to fancy someone! Ask her, to her face. None of this voice note/text nonsense. That would most like put her off. Give her the option of giving you an answer to your face at the time of asking, that way If it doesn't go the way you want you can both get over the awkward 'how do we proceed now?' part straight away. Not doing it in person leaves you open to all sorts of misunderstanding and awkwardness later.

    Thanks Sardonicat, so how would you word it if you don't mind me asking? I've never asked a girl out face to face. Does it matter if she told me she feels like she wants to be single for the next 5 years?


  • #21
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Hey X, fancy going for a drink? As in a date? :)


    Op overthinking will get you nowhere.


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  • #22
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,445 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    Sardonicat wrote:
    What are you hiding for? It's not a crime to fancy someone! Ask her, to her face. None of this voice note/text nonsense. That would most like put her off. Give her the option of giving you an answer to your face at the time of asking, that way If it doesn't go the way you want you can both get over the awkward 'how do we proceed now?' part straight away. Not doing it in person leaves you open to all sorts of misunderstanding and awkwardness later.

    Thanks Sardonicat, so how would you word it if you don't mind me asking? I've never asked a girl out face to face. Does it matter if she told me she feels like she wants to be single for the next 5 years?
    Perhaps better wait for some advice from guys for that. I'm blunt by nature, the more emotional investment involved the blunter I get. If it was me I'd just ask her out on a date. You could try something like " If you don't still feel like staying single for the next 5 years, how do you feel about dinner/drinks (insert activity ) with me?" But that could be the totally wrong advice. Maybe better hang on for someone with a bit more subtlety than ole foot-in-mouth here. But I will stress this; "DO NOT try and be smooth and DO NOT act aplologetic!


  • #23
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    Sardonicat wrote:
    Perhaps better wait for some advice from guys for that. I'm blunt by nature, the more emotional investment involved the blunter I get. If it was me I'd just ask her out on a date. You could try something like " If you don't still feel like staying single for the next 5 years, how do you feel about dinner/drinks (insert activity ) with me?" But that could be the totally wrong advice. Maybe better hang on for someone with a bit more subtlety than ole foot-in-mouth here. But I will stress this; "DO NOT try and be smooth and DO NOT act aplologetic!

    I'm not gonna lie, I think that line is fecking brilliant.


  • #24
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,445 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Don't focus on 'lines'. Just ask her out.


  • #25
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    Sardonicat wrote:
    Don't focus on 'lines'. Just ask her out.

    That's true. Ok I will. Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated


  • #26
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    So I'm gonna ask her out and think I'm best to do it in person however unsure where. She works in my gym so I see her there. Or should I ask her elsewhere?


  • #27
    Brego888
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Brego888


    Don't ask her in her place of work.


  • #28
    tawnyowl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 515 ✭✭✭tawnyowl


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    Anyway, it's really obvious she has absolutely no interest in me like that but I don't know how to tackle this. Later that night, we went out with a few mates and she told me something really personal and said that I was the only person she has ever told that to and that I was so easy to talk to etc. This shows she does feel comfortable with me but nothing romantic.


    This sounds like she sees you as someone to confide in, not as someone to date. I suspect that if you do tell her, it will make things awkward between you.


    You say yourself that it's obvious that she has no interest in you romantically, so it's unlikely she'll say yes. It all seems to be one-sided, with the yearning all on your side. It seems to be more for your sake than hers.


    I'd advise against telling her - you say yourself she's not into you and it's one-sided. It would probably make it difficult to have a friendship.


  • #29
    WrigleysExtra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 138 ✭✭WrigleysExtra


    tawnyowl wrote: »
    This sounds like she sees you as someone to confide in, not as someone to date. I suspect that if you do tell her, it will make things awkward between you.


    You say yourself that it's obvious that she has no interest in you romantically, so it's unlikely she'll say yes. It all seems to be one-sided, with the yearning all on your side. It seems to be more for your sake than hers.


    I'd advise against telling her - you say yourself she's not into you and it's one-sided. It would probably make it difficult to have a friendship.

    This 100%. You are in the friend zone and she has made that obvious. Stop giving her free attention.


  • #30
    Red Lightning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Red Lightning


    tawnyowl wrote:
    I'd advise against telling her - you say yourself she's not into you and it's one-sided. It would probably make it difficult to have a friendship.

    Is there any point being friends with someone you fancy tho? I'm not expecting a positive outcome but I'm gonna tell her cos I need to move on. Whether it be with or without her.


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  • #31
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Red Lightning wrote: »
    Is there any point being friends with someone you fancy tho? I'm not expecting a positive outcome but I'm gonna tell her cos I need to move on. Whether it be with or without her.

    This is the right attitude. If you're operating a 'friendship' where you're giving her advice on dates and so on under the pretence that you care about her finding the 'right man', when in truth you care about YOU being the right man (or anything along those lines), then the relationship you have isn't real. Not to say that the stuff you've been through counts for nothing, it does. But I've hooked up with friends, been rejected by them and rejected them myself and the real friendship doesn't even begin until these feelings are aired out and dealt with. Maybe down the line you can be proper friends if it doesn't go well. But, for now, deal with the reality because you'll deal with it one way or another so it may as well be in a situation you can control.
    WrigleysExtra wrote: »
    This 100%. You are in the friend zone and she has made that obvious. Stop giving her free attention.

    The friendzone is a total myth. Women saying, "I don't want to ruin our friendship" is just a nice way of saying, "I don't fancy you." If someone has a really strong friendship with someone but also feels that sexual pull towards them, most people will take that risk. This is a total 50/50 based on what the OP has given us (beyond his own gut instinct which could just be lack of confidence): some women will try set you up with friends or tell you about other guys to see your reaction and test if you're interested in them*. Some will do it because you're just a friend. It's whether or not they're attracted, simple as.

    *In fact, to set you up with a friend that means anything significant to them, they generally have to find you attractive on some level, even if they don't feel that rush. They don't want to set a friend up with someone they find repulsive and can't see the appeal of like.


This discussion has been closed.
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