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Engaged, questioning LT relationship due to sexual compatibility issues

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Comments

  • #62
    WrigleysExtra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 138 ✭✭WrigleysExtra


    osarusan wrote: »
    Does he really want to be using the threat of breaking up with her as leverage to have more sex?


    As I understand it, they are actually having sex regularly enough, but the OP wants something more fundamental - he wants it to be as important to her as it is to him, he wants to feel that she cares about his pleasure as much as he cares about hers, he wants her to want him as much as he wants her.

    If the OP went that route and threatened to break up, what will happen is she will be a good actor until they're married and then go back to normal. The OP will be miserable and he will wish he broke up with her when he had the chance.


  • #63
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,660 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    watchthisspace wrote: »
    If she thought you were thinking of taking marriage off the table she'd probably change her tune fairly quickly. She'd flash forward to having to get used to a new partner and them wanting her to engage more in se* and she'll soon be more open to listening to what you need

    And then as soon as they're married she'll revert to type. This is the worst advice ever.


  • #64
    LolaJJ
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 289 ✭✭LolaJJ


    Read this thread with interest as it reminded me of a former relationship.

    Great relationship, great friends and great everything but sexually we were just a total mismatch. He did that dirty talk thing which made my skin crawl and wanted to experiment, fine, understood it and wanted to be open to it but I just felt uncomfortable. It turned in to debate after debate - him telling me I would 100% enjoy stuff and me going through the motions thinking about what was on TV later or what we'd have for dinner.

    The thoughts of having to endure that for a lifetime, for both of us eventually became a big red flag, we were only toget -2 years so it was hard but easy to figure out that we were never going to be able to satisfy each other that way.

    My current relationship is with someone just as vanilla as me and it's far more relaxed.

    My point is, there's a good chance your fiancé is feeling just as uncomfortable about this situation as you are. She won't change and neither will you, so it's probably a matter of sitting her down and asking how she feels when she is pushed out of her comfortzone and made to feel like she has to hit certain sexual markers in your relationship to meet your standards. Ask yourselves if this is sustainable over the course of the rest of your lives.

    My guess is that it isn't. She'd probably be a lot happier with someone of her own sexual standard who didn't make her feel like a let down. You'd do better also. It's not a nice thought but intimacy is so important in how couples connect


  • #65
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭tara73


    Emme wrote: »
    OP you said that before you met she was focused mainly on college, career, relationship, house. That's fine if it's what she wants. However I'm guessing that once all those boxes are ticked the next one will be "babies" and after that it could be a desert for you.

    There have been countless threads here from beleaguered partners in sexless marriages, many of them men. In some cases the woman only had sex with her partner as a means to an end (ie marriage/commitment) and when children came along it stopped.

    OP, this.

    I think there are big chances it will lead to this scenario: Once the babies she desires are there, sex is completely off the table.

    If you never heard about it, browse for threads here. It is not an unusual outcome for marriages were the situation was similar, means the woman was never really into sex and just did it for her partner (or for her desire for kids).

    However, as said by, I think by the majority here, I think you both are completely sexually incompatible.
    Sex is very important to you. It's already now she's just having sex to satisfy you or to keep you at her side. And it's not getting better after your married.

    You really need to figure out based on this if you think you can lead the rest of your life accepting this circumstances.


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