Engaged, questioning LT relationship due to sexual compatibility issues

LegacyUser

This might be a long one but it's eating away at me and it's tough to figure out what I should and do and where the problem actually lies.

I'm engaged to a genuinely caring, sweet, beautiful woman but lately I've been having issues with our sexual chemistry, passion, spark, whatever you want to call it....

We're both in our early 30's and while my past would have me labelled as a lot more experienced than her, when it comes to her being open and willing to experiment or communicate in sexual ways there's a bit of a roadblock.

I'm her very first long term relationship, she had slept with maybe 2/3 (I would be around mid 20's with my number, I'm including this for the sake of full disclosure) people before me and they were very short lived dating daliances she would have had. Even before she met me, she's always been quite focused on career, meeting someone, house, marriage, kids.
She doesn't masturbate really, says it feels like nothing if she uses her own hands on herself, has never looked at porn (doesn't want to try) and has been mostly unable to communicate sexually, via text or otherwise. She'd prefer to change the topic if I started talking sexually via text. Her response when I said I'd like some sexual communication was "that's just not me, you know I don't talk like that".

I'm pretty expressive, sexually charged person, and would largely get off on giving my partner pleasure, and initially, she didn't. There was no reciprocation of oral from her until a conversation took place after 6 months of us being together. Her rationale then was "she didn't get anything out of it" but I genuinely felt it was a combination of anxiety of potentially doing it wrong/lack of experience/slight OCD when it comes to hygiene (I like to stay very clean for the record).

She eventually wanted to try it and it's been frequent-ish ever since then (3 years). I'm not sure I ever found out the real reason for her aversion to it though. It still plays on my mind sometimes that a discussion was necessary to get that reciprocation. It doesn't feel great that I had to "convince" her - Let me add a note here that everyone has the right to refuse to do something if they don't want to do it, but people have a right for it to be deal-breaker for them - we had a discussion.

Anyway.. fast forward to today and certain things just aren't "clicking" for me, the likelihood that she will initiate is pretty low, and if she does, I feel it's because she knows it's been a few days and that I'm probably at my limit of how often I prefer to have sex - I'd prefer it more often, but it's decent at being once every 3-4 days, that frequency is mostly fine, on paper. The sex itself is good, pretty vanilla, but there's zero chance for any experimentation and very little chance of verbal sexual expression occurring in or outside of the bedroom. She admitted that she doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying when I'm dirty talking during sex, she focusing on my physical tough - I wasn't sure what to make of that comment (negatively or positively).

We've had multiple conversations around her lack of initiation and communication when it comes to sex, it was pretty emotional as I couldn't hide how serious it was to me and how much it was wearing me down that it felt like she wasn't into me all that much physically. She agreed that she would look into expanding her horizons a bit when it came to sexual things, so we did a bit of research and came up with a book suggestion that we'd both read "Sex for one". Ironically named I suppose but it seemed like it would be at the very least, a good place to start.

She didn't get halfway through the book however, maybe about a quarter. When I asked about it, she said "don't judge me on that" (in a much less passive aggressive way that that reads). And in fairness she did start to initiate more though, but it feels very "I can tell he wants me to initiate, so I will" sort of thing, rather than from chemistry/a spark while kissing or similar - it doesn't feel organic to me. It's like she understand sex in a relationship is necessary for me, knows I need it, but I'm not sure she does.

I'm worrying I may be overthinking it all a bit too much though, over analysing things and participating in confirmation bias which may be clouding my judgement. I've almost convinced myself she may be asexual and she doesn't realise it.

I'm worried that I can't reconcile my past sexual experiences and while I do not miss sleeping around, I miss the things that are currently missing/not quite there... the passion, the spark, the initiation, the expression. All this is leading me to worry about our future together - my frustration ends up showing itself in other parts of the relationship - I find myself sometimes being moody or quiet - which certainly won't encourage her to initiate, a vicious cycle of sorts... but I'm trying very hard to not be that person. Ugh I think we need counselling.... Cheers for reading.

Caranica

I thought it was the part of our relationship I could compromise on when I married my ex. I shouldn't have tried. It does vary for people but sexual compatibility is more important than I realised when I said yes.

For me it's now a dealbreaker. But this is so personal, only you can work out if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

LegacyUser

How many years have you been dating?
When is your wedding date set for?

Nothing will change now after the wedding if it hasn't already. Irrespective of her numbers (also remember, it's quality not quantity!!!)
She isn't going to morph into this whole different person. She is showing you who she is- believe her. The real question is, can you deal with this forever? Because having children will make things harder again.
Seek counselling, single & couples.
Do NOT get married until you are 100% happy with your decision

Sardonicat

If she doesn't like dirty talk then stop doing it. You're probably turning her off.

LegacyUser

Sardonicat wrote: »

If she doesn't like dirty talk then stop doing it. You're probably turning her off.

So once she said she doesn't listen to it, I did stop.... And I think in the grand scheme of things and the issues I'm trying to address, that's a pretty small part of it.

LegacyUser

Caranica wrote: »

I thought it was the part of our relationship I could compromise on when I married my ex. I shouldn't have tried. It does vary for people but sexual compatibility is more important than I realised when I said yes.

For me it's now a dealbreaker. But this is so personal, only you can work out if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

This is my worry, that I've been trying to convince myself that it is something I can compromise on but if it's weighing on me now, how can we continue?

Though I'm also trying to look at this from a perspective of.. am I self sabotaging? Participating in confirmation bias? That I can't see the forest for the trees?That I may be looking at the negatives on the sexual side ignoring the positives.

Our compatibility in genenral is very high, our chemistry.. is not.

zapper55

You sound hugely incompatible sexually. For what it's worth I've been you in a relationship and my boyfriend has nowhere near the same sex drive. It wears you down eventually, it's so demoralising .

This is only going to get worse as you get older, have kids etc. There's so many posts on here from guys who think their sex life will magically improve when they get married, I have no idea why.

As a side note re oral sex sounds like she still has no interest in it and is grudgingly doing it to keep you happy, especially you keep having discussions about it. I do thinks its incredibly insensitive that you have no understanding of why she mightnt like it, perhaps she just doesnt want a penis in her mouth.

LegacyUser

zapper55 wrote: »

You sound hugely incompatible sexually. For what it's worth I've been you in a relationship and my boyfriend has nowhere near the same sex drive. It wears you down eventually, it's so demoralising .

This is only going to get worse as you get older, have kids etc. There's so many posts on here from guys who think their sex life will magically improve when they get married, I have no idea why.

All fair points, things for me to consider.

As a side note re oral sex sounds like she still has no interest in it and is grudgingly doing it to keep you happy, especially you keep having discussions about it. I do thinks its incredibly insensitive that you have no understanding of why she mightnt like it, perhaps she just doesnt want a penis in her mouth.

Well, it's not that I'm not understanding, I did explain that people have every right not to do something they don't want to do. It's just that her explanation of "It doesn't do anything for me" sounds like a selfish reason. If her reason truly is "I don't want a penis in my mouth, I don't like it", then by all means, fair enough, say that... but that wasn't her reason. And to add to that, I did go on to say that the real reason was probably a shyness/lack of experience thing, but admittedly that's conjecture. I really didn't think at the time she meant it to come out as selfishly as it sounded. Also, your suggestion is pure conjecture as well.

I mean, imagine it's roles reversed, she's giving me head all the time and I give the reason of "It doesn't do anything for me" when she asks that I reciprocate.. I don't think anyone would be on my side...

This is all on top of the fact that it occurs relatively frequently at this point and isn't the main issue right now. Rather a number of smaller incidents building to a bigger problem in the relationship.

ginandtonicsky

Is this your longest relationship OP? I’m asking because, while there are clear areas of sexual incompatibility there, this “spark” you mention is IME very much a factor in casual or short term setups, but tends to dip over time. You settle into “relationship sex”, just as you settle into a deeper love that’s not characterised by butterflies and stomach flip flops when you see your OH.

I’m pretty sure it’s a chemical thing - the novelty wears off, you get used to each other’s bodies and it becomes routine. Not boring or miserable, but familiar and routine. Excuse the bluntness, but on the face of it, you’re having sex 2/3 times a week and getting regular BJs, many LT or married couples would kill for that kind of sex life. Not a good measuring stick I know, but something to put your problem in perspective.

Was your sex life ever any other way? Did your gf initiate in the early Honeymoon days? Was she into dirty talk back then? Was she more adventurous? If not, then I think it’s unreasonable to expect that she will suddenly change now, several years in.

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Is this your longest relationship OP? I’m asking because, while there are clear areas of sexual incompatibility there, this “spark” you mention is IME very much a factor in casual or short term setups, but tends to dip over time. You settle into “relationship sex”, just as you settle into a deeper love that’s not characterised by butterflies and stomach flip flops when you see your OH.

Past two relationship were 4 and 3 years respectively, this one is almost 4 years. Chemistry was not an issue on those ones however. First one, different life goals (wanted to work in different countries) and second one was a bit of a dumpster fire but both had high sexual chemistry. Goes to show I suppose that sexual chemistry isn't everything... but has still ended up being important to me currently when it isn't really present.

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I’m pretty sure it’s a chemical thing - the novelty wears off, you get used to each other’s bodies and it becomes routine. Not boring or miserable, but familiar and routine. Excuse the bluntness, but on the face of it, you’re having sex 2/3 times a week and getting regular BJs, many LT or married couples would kill for that kind of sex life. Not a good measuring stick I know, but something to put your problem in perspective.

That's just it, on paper, the "numbers" aren't bad. In a previous relationship it's probably been about that frequent but it was never an issue due to the things I feel are missing (initiation, passion, chemistry etc..) if that makes sense?

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Was your sex life ever any other way? Did your gf initiate in the early Honeymoon days? Was she into dirty talk back then? Was she more adventurous? If not, then I think it’s unreasonable to expect that she will suddenly change now, several years in.

Her initiation is better now than it was then, since we've talked. But as I mentioned, it feels like she's doing it because she knows I need it, rather than her wanting it. That could be my paranoia though..
No, she was never into dirty talk, ever so slightly more adventurous now after our conversations? She has once invited me into the shower for sex. That was a pint in her favour, and I did tell her how much I liked the though and the sex itself. Nothing since then though. Again, not all entirely negative - and could indicate the issue is me looking at things too negatively?

LegacyUser

I think it's not the amount of sex ye are having that's the issue tho right? Like you said, 'on paper's it's ok...and that's the problem right there. ...it all just seems so.. forced and unwanted from her side. I'd be so down if I had to ask my partner to please me or return a sexual favour ..or to please desire me enough to initiate sex.. those things are so basic and so.important, don't let ppl tell you you should be fine with a few nights nookie a week when there's loads of couples that get less...fine, less is annoying but less is immensely preferable when you know the desire is there and it's not a feeling of one partner wanting and the other just not that bothered about the whole thing. The fact she doesn't masterbate or have any sexual desires outside your relationship would have me very worried that's its not just a case of needing to communicate/work on things...it seems she doesn't like sex or have any interest in it. As time goes on, couples have less sex.. if it's like this now, her desire isn't going to grow, it'll diminish...do you want that? Ye are early 30's, a bit young to be settling for a lack of passion the bedroom

zapper55

She doesn't actually need to explain to you why she doesn't like to give a BJ. You arent entitled to an explanation. If the person I was having sex with said they didnt like a particular sex act I would never bring it up again. I certainly wouldnt feel entitled to an explanation.

And if a bloke came on here and said I'm not comfortable giving head I would absolutely tell him not to. In fact if I recall I did recently in relation to a query on sex toys.

In answer to your query, you should go into couples counselling now, before you get married. See if there's a compromise you can come to (though I suspect you have both come as far as you can).

Sardonicat

SecondGuessing wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

If she doesn't like dirty talk then stop doing it. You're probably turning her off.

So once she said she doesn't listen to it, I did stop.... And I think in the grand scheme of things and the issues I'm trying to address, that's a pretty small part of it.

If you've stopped then fair enough . Bit I don't think it was a small thing. If she was trying not to listen to you during sex then the chemistry was gone for her. Is she able to tell you what she does and doesn't like? You say the reason she gave for not giving oral sex was that it didn't do anything for her. Do you think she might be afraid to say 'actually I think it's gross' in case you think she's prudish? She's already told you she gets nothing from it, why do you expect chemistry when it happens? It does nothing for her. She's going through the motions of something she, at best, doesn't enjoy and at worst, actively dislikes, to please you. Do you want her to pretend she's into it?

And no, I don't think a man should be expected to perform oral sex on a woman if he doesn't want to, whatever the reason. No one should be expected by their partner to do anything sexually they don't want to. There should be some form of enjoyment, if not sexual then at least a loving, bonding enjoyment. But if a particular act is taboo then its off the table. If the other partner can't live without that then they should end the relationship . Just end it if you're not compatible.

ginandtonicsky

SecondGuessing wrote: »

Past two relationship were 4 and 3 years respectively, this one is almost 4 years. Chemistry was not an issue on those ones however. First one, different life goals (wanted to work in different countries) and second one was a bit of a dumpster fire but both had high sexual chemistry. Goes to show I suppose that sexual chemistry isn't everything... but has still ended up being important to me currently when it isn't really present.

And those relationships ended due to a lack of compatibility. On really important things like life goals, values, ambitions, personality etc. Things that I assume you are aligned on with your OH, seeing as you proposed to her?

Passionate chemistry is not an indicator of long-term compatibility. Invariably, it burns out and/or wider issues reveal themselves once the mist of boning like rabbits dissipates. Attraction is important and in fact, vital, but lust can be a big fat liar as to what is real and what will actually last long-term. As you've discovered twice before.

Alas, it's not the stuff that has been inspiring poets and Hollywood movies since the dawn of time, but it's far better to find someone you're compatible with that shares your goals and values. As well as having that attraction, which you clearly both have. But a, say, 6 or 7/10 on the chemistry scale and all of those important compatibilities is far better than a 10/10 and being partnered with a "dumpster fire". IME and what I so often hear anecdotally, that 10/10 usually predicts chaos and discord.

She's definitely less sexual and more vanilla than you are. That's quite clear. But you appear to be communicating well about this and she's evidently responded to your needs in multiple ways. You've said she's initiating more and you get regular BJs now, as opposed to how she was at the start of your relationship. Perhaps this is because she knows you are more sexual than her and as your partner, she loves you and wants you to be happy. Or maybe she actually enjoys it. The point is, you asked and she remedied the matter.

She's not willing to push her boundaries beyond that into the realm of dirty talk and more experimentation. And you have to respect it. You don't have to like it, and you yourself need to do some soul searching about what you want to do with that information. But you do have to respect her boundaries.

As to figuring this stuff out - think about why you proposed to her. And didn't with your previous two exes.

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And those relationships ended due to a lack of compatibility. On really important things like life goals, values, ambitions, personality etc. Things that I assume you are aligned on with your OH, seeing as you proposed to her?

Passionate chemistry is not an indicator of long-term compatibility. Invariably, it burns out and/or wider issues reveal themselves once the mist of boning like rabbits dissipates. Attraction is important and in fact, vital, but lust can be a big fat liar as to what is real and what will actually last long-term. As you've discovered twice before.

Alas, it's not the stuff that has been inspiring poets and Hollywood movies since the dawn of time, but it's far better to find someone you're compatible with that shares your goals and values. As well as having that attraction, which you clearly both have. But a, say, 6 or 7/10 on the chemistry scale and all of those important compatibilities is far better than a 10/10 and being partnered with a "dumpster fire". IME and what I so often hear anecdotally, that 10/10 usually predicts chaos and discord.

She's definitely less sexual and more vanilla than you are. That's quite clear. But you appear to be communicating well about this and she's evidently responded to your needs in multiple ways. You've said she's initiating more and you get regular BJs now, as opposed to how she was at the start of your relationship. Perhaps this is because she knows you are more sexual than her and as your partner, she loves you and wants you to be happy. Or maybe she actually enjoys it. The point is, you asked and she remedied the matter.

She's not willing to push her boundaries beyond that into the realm of dirty talk and more experimentation. And you have to respect it. You don't have to like it, and you yourself need to do some soul searching about what you want to do with that information. But you do have to respect her boundaries.

As to figuring this stuff out - think about why you proposed to her. And didn't with your previous two exes.

Probably my favourite response so far, thank you. I've a lot of thinking to do. I certainly do have a tendency to over think and "pick" at things. When I proposed, I did it because it felt so so right. Right now feels like a combination of picking on certain things (that may or may not be valid) and the fear of it being the beginning of the rest of my life.

LegacyUser

zapper55 wrote: »

She doesn't actually need to explain to you why she doesn't like to give a BJ. You arent entitled to an explanation. If the person I was having sex with said they didnt like a particular sex act I would never bring it up again. I certainly wouldnt feel entitled to an explanation.

I didn't feel entitled to anything, at all. We talked about it, she said "she didn't get anything out of it" and I felt this sounded a bit selfish, especially since she wanted me to go down on her regularly. If the answer was "it grosses me out, I really don't want to do it" or similar, fair enough, don't. I think people are latching onto the BJ stuff a bit too much here... We had a conversation.

zapper55 wrote: »

And if a bloke came on here and said I'm not comfortable giving head I would absolutely tell him not to. In fact if I recall I did recently in relation to a query on sex toys.

Yep.

zapper55 wrote: »

In answer to your query, you should go into couples counselling now, before you get married. See if there's a compromise you can come to (though I suspect you have both come as far as you can).

We'll see, I love her to bits and we're compatible in many other ways outside of the sexual chemistry. And it's not as if the sexual chemistry is a 0/10, but it's up to me/us to figure out what happens next.

khaldrogo

r/deadbedrooms on Reddit..........have a look. She won't change.

LegacyUser

khaldrogo wrote: »

r/deadbedrooms on Reddit..........have a look. She won't change.

That sub can be a wee bit toxic. Tends to represent the relationships where one person is entirely uninterested in sex altogether. This is not the case for us but rather the discrepancy between our interest in sex in general. Plus the chemistry, which isn't a 0/10, but it's not 10/10 for sure.

Dial Hard

I'm actually going to have to disagree with ginandtonicksy here for pretty much the first time ever.

I think there are very, very clear sexual compatibility issues between you and your partner here and I think you'd be absolutely mad to ignore them. Neither of you are in the wrong here, in fact, you've both done everything right in terms of how you've tried to work around this issue. Yet your gut is still screaming at you.

I genuinely think you'd be mad to marry your girlfriend, OP. In fact, I can't really understand why you proposed in the first place. You both sound like great people but you are incompatible in a profoundly fundamental way. And being aligned on lots of other things isn't going to be enough to compensate for that in the long run.

You have already identified that your girlfriend is, essentially, going through the motions to a large degree because she feels she should. Because she knows there's an issue. But that's not sustainable long-term and I would put money on the fact that if you get married, you'll end up in the same position as *countless* posters here before you - stuck in a sexless marriage where the issues were writ large beforehand.

You both sound like lovely people. You have both genuinely done your best here but the outcome is that neither of you are happy with the situation. And that's not fair on either of you. By all means, I would recommend counselling, but with a therapist who specialises in sexual issues. But hand on heart, I think the writing is on the wall here. Sorry.

UsBus

Whatever you do, don't get married unless you completely want to. My experience was that getting married was very straight forward. Getting out of it has been a different story entirely and one process I wouldn't wish on anybody.
Not only do you have the hurt of a relationship ending but you lose control over everything. There's very little connection or love when you've two solicitors divying up your assets...

All I would say is that sexual issues like this get worse after marriage. How it is now is as good as it gets. It doesn't improve after marriage. Choose wisely.

qwerty13

That is tough situation OP. I’m afraid I can’t think of much constructive advice. On the one hand, I’ve seen so many threads on here where there was clear sexual incompatibility before marriage - which ended up in a sexual desert. But you and your GF seem to have a lot going for you, outside of the the sexual element - and more importantly that you can discuss the sexual element.

I guess finding complete compatibility is difficult in many aspects - whether that’s shared goals / ambitions / attitudes to kids, money, family. And sex. All I can say is how much weight do you put on the sexual side of things. It seems quite a lot. And that’s ok. Much as you two seem to be compatible on everything else, I totally understand what you mean re feeling hurt that she doesn’t initiate. Can you handle that for the rest of your life? I’m really not sure that I could.

Aufbau

I have to say I feel sorry for the woman in question. If it was her writing in, what would she say?

She doesn't like your dirty/sexy talk or your dirty/sexy texts. Doesn't like going down on you but you make it clear that it's expected anyway - like wtf? Doesn't seem all that keen to initiate sex with you but again you've made it quite clear with constant 'discussions' that, yes, it's expected anyway.

It seems to me that she's just not that into you.

I'd be telling her to get the hell out.

qwerty13

She’s also a grown up. Who can and should express her own views. As the OP has, which I can’t imagine was terribly easy. Surely discussing an issue / difference is a good thing? Unfortunately it seems like her solution is to acquiesce to something she doesn’t necessarily like very much. As opposed to being honest, or finding alternatives. And in my view, there’s always many sexual alternatives. Don’t like A, well then let’s try B etc. Seems like the OP’s partner isn’t willing to do that though. Or not open to doing that.

If she dislikes what he likes quite so much, maybe she should end it. And ‘going along with things’ being the most enthusiasm she can muster is one small step behind sexual rejection. Which can be soul destroying.

Dien

It's a tough one, no doubt, but it can't be brushed under the carpet for ever. I'm different to you SecondGuessing in that my girlfriend would be more experienced than me, but we were very open from the start. I'd be a humble enough fella anyway so I had no problem initiating conversation on our sex lives and finding out what she likes/is into etc, purely because I was so mad into her I wanted to please her and not let the sex be a problem!
At the same time this was always reciprocated and I genuinely feel she always wants to thoroughly please me as much as I do her.
Being honest your post reads like you know the answer yourself, trust your gut bro and go with that, engagement or not.

LegacyUser

Aufbau wrote: »

I have to say I feel sorry for the woman in question. If it was her writing in, what would she say?

She doesn't like your dirty/sexy talk or your dirty/sexy texts. Doesn't like going down on you but you make it clear that it's expected anyway - like wtf? Doesn't seem all that keen to initiate sex with you but again you've made it quite clear with constant 'discussions' that, yes, it's expected anyway.

It seems to me that she's just not that into you.

I'd be telling her to get the hell out.

I've made it very clear that none of those things are expected, nor have any of them been forced upon her. Are you sure you've read my posts properly?

I've been pretty clear that those are things I like, and many of them she won't do. I'm not persisting with dirty texts, or talk. Once she said she doesn't like it, I stopped doing it.

Yellow pack crisps

The positives:
you are compatible in many ways.
You actually frequently have sex.
She listens to you.
You love her
I presume she loves you

The negatives:
She listens to you, does something to keep you happy and then reverts back to her normality. Not healthy for either of you. Sex is healthy and fun and not a chore. If it’s a chore in certain aspects it will become an argument in the future especially when kids come along and tiredness outweighs the will to do said chore.

You will essentially close of a part of sex that turns you on. This is not your fault or hers. You are sexually incompatible and you have to decide whether that is something you can live with. This is not your fiancés fault. She is telling you what she will and will not do. You’re either listening to her or not.

One day your conversations will turn from discussing sex to it becoming a crux in your relationship.

Her comment about not getting anything out of giving you oral is a real insight into the way she sees sexually. Again nothing wrong on her end, she is being honest, are you? Because ultimately you have not sat her down and said you are not happy with your sex life, because you’re not. She is not meeting your sexual needs, again not her fault.

After the shower sex, you expressed how much you enjoyed it. Then it never happened again. Again, she is telling you things without words and you either don’t want to listen Or are incapable off.

The old saying ‘love just ain’t enough’ springs to mind.

There is countless threads here of married people utterly miserable because they expected their partners to change and married them anyway and lived to regret it. I think you should think about your long term happiness before you make your bed.

CageWager

OP seems to be getting some heat for having the temerity to ask for oral sex. From his posts it seems pretty clear to me that he’s not some kind of sex crazed manic who is forcing BJ’s on his OH. They are adults. Oral is an integral part of one’s sex life and IMO nobody (man or woman) should be shamed for articulating their sexual desire.

Long-term monogamous relationships are about negotiation and compromise. Everyone has their personal boundaries but if one party just point blank refuses to do something that is important to the other person then the negotiation automatically fails.

As I’m typing this I'm thinking “In a relationship, does one person’s right to not give something trump the other person’s right to receive something”. I legitimately hate going to visit my girlfriends family - If I flat out refuse to do this without any negotiation would she have the right to be upset or would she be shamed for forcing something on me?

There are plenty of sexual and non-sexual things I do to please my girlfriend and vice-versa. We experiment, push boundaries, and constantly communicate. Above all else, it’s not about a particular sex act or whatever, it’s having a desire to pleasure the other half. Taking pleasure in giving pleasure. If not, you’re simply incompatible and despite what some people think, life is too short to settle for a relationship without sexual chemistry, its one of the true joys of existence.

Just my 2 cents, not here for a back and forth argument with anyone on this topic.

Best of luck OP

Rologyro

Hi OP,

My two cents is that you should go to sex counseling. If you’re near Dublin, Emily Power Smith is based in Dun Laoghaire. She was on the Tommy Tiernan show talking about her job, it’s on youtube.

XsApollo

Nothing you can do op, been there and nearly out.
It’s soul destroying being in that type of situation and it is not going to get better.
Your just going to get madder and more frustrated and she isn’t going to suddenly change.
You will be full of resentment soon enough which will affect every other part of your relationship.

Some people are horny some people are kinky and some people don’t get it and have no desire like that.

After experiencing this myself, sexual compatibility is very high on the list of must haves in a partner and relationship.

PokeHerKing

OP I would have run far away from any girl who doesn't like giving oral. Wtf is that?? You're not 15.

How or why did you propose to someone who doesn't enjoy every inch (no pun intended) of your body?

My advice is get out now, relationships are hard enough. The bedroom should be the easy part.

strandroad

OP so we all know what you like and your wishes (BJs, dirty talk, sexting etc), and that you estimate your sexual compatibility based on whether your girlfriend delivers on it or not. She is trying to comply but you can tell that this list is not her list and it makes you question the relationship.

But what does she like?
Does she like a massage? A 30 minutes foreplay? Sex in new places? A light smack or two? Fingers? Toes? Doesn't want porn but has a reaction to an erotica story? Something else? Anything?

In what ways do you learn and deliver on her wishes?

There is a chance that she does not like or want anything at all, she only does it for you and not for herself, and that is your real incompatibility right there, and it won't get better. You would need to reconsider the relationship then because you are clearly not a match and most likely cannot develop into one.

But there is also a chance that her being clearly a lot less experienced she has no confidence to recognise and express her own wishes, and when the convo does turn to sex it's about something from your list again and it simply does not turn her on. She can obey but not enjoy. So how can you leverage your own experience and sex-positive attitude to help her discover her own list? Do you want to? She can be a sex-positive woman in her own way, or grow into one, but right now you might be smothering her exploration with your one size fits all prescription.

cannotlogin

<snip>

A wind up surely? Wanting a healthy sex life is the norm & nothing in his posts sounds in any way excessive - its very tame,standard stuff.

I have total sympathy for the OP - to a point, lost as to why you ever considered getting engaged before sorting this out, but sympathise with the rest.

Two of the biggest contributors to relationship breakdown are sex incompatabilty & financial incompatability.

In my own experience, its very hard to find someone who you are compatable in ever way. Some of the best sex, I've had is with people I liked the least on a day to day level.

What you have to decide is if you are compromising too much? I know nobody who says their sex life improved after marraige - its maintained at best.

Talk again about your long term relationship & if it provides you both with everything you need.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
I've been following this thread and decided to go unreg for the reply.
To give a bit of perspective, I was in you GFs shoes.
Myself and an ex partner were not sexually compatible.
The more he insisted on trying things I was not confortable with the more I lost the willingness to try it.
For example, he loved getting BJ, I do like them in my own way/terms, he insisted in getting them his way and it completely turned me off them for a long time.
The more he insisted in me initiating sex, the more it turned off it.
He told me that I was very sexually immature and I disagreed, I love sex.
What ended up happening was that I resented him for being so forceful (if hlyou call it that) I gave in and tried new stuff, some I liked some definitely not but once I tried it it was expected.
Ended up calling it quits when I felt all I was was a sex object expected to perform.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I’m a regular poster but going unreg as this doesn’t just involve me. Your post really resonated with me as it’s something I wonder about myself at times. For context, when I met my husband, I had only had a handful of short term sexual partners and no serious relationships. He had had several serious relationships and plenty of sexual partners.

For me, frequency or desire has never been an issue, but I yearn for passion and I have instead managed to marry the most laid back person I could find. In my fantasies, I’m with a man who can’t keep his hands off me, who shoves me against a wall and kisses me passionately, who sneaks off to the bathroom with me at parties to f**k me. Instead, 90% of the time, sex happens when we’re already in bed and it nearly always follows a similar routine. My husband has NO interest in having sex if there’s any chance we might be overseen. Even if I initiate in the living room, for example, he’ll push me off to make sure the curtains are closed before continuing, which is quite a passion killer.

It’s not ideal for me. That passion mostly just happens in my fantasies (although there are odd times my husband surprises me with passion, and I heap positive feedback on him for that!). Have wondered whether I settled, or sold myself short. But at the end of the day, I adore my husband. He has so many qualities that make him an amazing man and husband. He is intelligent and funny and so kind and thoughtful. He might not shove me against a wall and kiss me passionately, but he makes me coffee every single morning without fail, and he buys me flowers, and he cuddles me so tightly every night.

There are times when I question if I could find a relationship that ticks all the boxes, but when I really think about it, I’m happy to compromise on our sex life to have all of the other things that we have. It’s an incredibly personal decision and it’s absolutely fine if you decide that you’re sexually incompatible and that’s too much of a hurdle to overcome. Nobody wants a dead bedroom and other posters are right that your fiancée probably won’t change. But I agree with ginandtonicsky that sex is just one part of a relationship and it’s worth looking at the relationship as a whole before making any serious decisions.

Hedgelayer

cannotlogin wrote: »

A wind up surely? Wanting a healthy sex life is the norm & nothing in his posts sounds in any day excessive - its very tame,standard stuff.

I have total sympathy for the OP - to a point, lost as to why you ever considered getting engaged before sorting this out.

Two of the biggest cobtributors to relationship breakdown are sex incompatabilty & financial compatability.

In my own experience, its very hard to find someone who you are compatable in ever way. Some of the best sex, I've had is with people I liked the least on a day to day level.

What you have to decide is if you are compromising too much? I know nobody who says there sex life improved after marraige - its maintained at best.

Talk again about your long term relationship & if it provides you bothwith everything you need.

I agree with your response to my question.

I myself have gone to the point in my life where sex is secondary in a relationship and companionship is more appealing.

Maybe the OP has done enough for the survival of the relationship and best thing for the other person is to leave her.

She might not find him attractive anymore and could meet someone else and be absolutely fired up and compatible.

The op can have his freedom and let loose, and he's entitled to that freedom.

No point in being with someone who's not ticking all the boxes.

And I have had amazing encounters with people I didn't even have anything in common with.

Im rugged tattooed bearded and athletic working as a forestry and horticulture , the kind of women who are attracted to me are the petite high flyers executive's...

Probably on 3 times my salary its great fun and it's financial compatibility which causes problems.

So I can relate to the OP for being incompatible on a different scale.

Sorry op for suggesting you could have sex problems, I have financial issues myself

jimd2

Apologies if I have got the wrong end of the stick here but I didnt get any feeling from the OP that he actually loves his fiance.

I am married almost 30 years (eeek) and our marriage has probably got stronger over the years and our sex life is probably as good and (almost) as frequent as it was in the early years of the marriage. We do have differences but had a core bond there.

Even with sex we would not always have been on the same wavelength but gradually learned what the other wanted - the person that suggested longer foreplay / massage etc made a good point.

I think the key aspect is that when all the aspects of your relationship and your fiance is considered do you still love her and want to be with her through thick and thin? If you do then you should both try and work ogether to improve this aspect, albeit a VERY important aspect of your relationship.

If you think this is going to claw away at you and that you and she will be unwilling to compromise then I think you should take the advice from many here and walk away.

osarusan

It sounds like she simply doesn't have a high sex drive, and as sex isn't that important to her, it seems like that extends to how she views it for you.

I suppose what you want, OP, is not only that she is spontaneous and takes the initiative and so on, but that she does so out of genuine passion and enthusiasm. Not only that she does certain things, but that she naturally wants to do them, rather than out of obligation or whatever.

But if she naturally wanted to do these things, she already would be doing them, and there wouldn't be an issue. I don't know if there is much (or anything) you can do to make her change her nature.

And you need to have a good think about this now, and decide if it is something you can accept in the long term. Because, as others have said, things are unlikely to get any better down the line, but the stakes in a break-up get a lot higher when kids and a mortgage are involved.

khaldrogo

SecondGuessing wrote:

That sub can be a wee bit toxic. Tends to represent the relationships where one person is entirely uninterested in sex altogether. This is not the case for us but rather the discrepancy between our interest in sex in general. Plus the chemistry, which isn't a 0/10, but it's not 10/10 for sure.

The point is that Reddit sub is full of stories from men and women who started out like you. Be careful is all I'm saying

LegacyUser

strandroad wrote: »

OP so we all know what you like and your wishes (BJs, dirty talk, sexting etc), and that you estimate your sexual compatibility based on whether your girlfriend delivers on it or not. She is trying to comply but you can tell that this list is not her list and it makes you question the relationship.


But what does she like?
Does she like a massage? A 30 minutes foreplay? Sex in new places? A light smack or two? Fingers? Toes? Doesn't want porn but has a reaction to an erotica story? Something else? Anything?

In what ways do you learn and deliver on her wishes?

There is a chance that she does not like or want anything at all, she only does it for you and not for herself, and that is your real incompatibility right there, and it won't get better. You would need to reconsider the relationship then because you are clearly not a match and most likely cannot develop into one.

But there is also a chance that her being clearly a lot less experienced she has no confidence to recognise and express her own wishes, and when the convo does turn to sex it's about something from your list again and it simply does not turn her on. She can obey but not enjoy. So how can you leverage your own experience and sex-positive attitude to help her discover her own list? Do you want to? She can be a sex-positive woman in her own way, or grow into one, but right now you might be smothering her exploration with your one size fits all prescription.

We have found stuff she likes, but it's been difficult.
She has said she has no sexual fantasies, hasn't ever had a sex dream... so it's been me trying new things on her that has helped her discover things she likes (massages and playing with her tits being two examples). As I said, I get off on giving pleasure so it's been hard to hear some of her responses, I think it's common enough for people who don't/rarely masturbate to not know what they like. I used to be desperate to find something she liked, but it's been somewhat impossible to discover new things at times. This was why I thought the book "sex for one" may expand her horizons a wee bit but unfortunately, she didn't finish the book.


And to all the people questioning why I proposed, simply put, at the time, despite the bedroom issues (remember, sex and stuff is still frequent) I thought I could compromise because almost everything else outside the bedroom was great. It has begun to weigh on me more and more over time, so now I'm looking to consolidate and address it. Thanks for all your responses so far.

Church on Tuesday

I really think the best thing for people to do in situations like this is to stop lying to themselves, accept that the compatibility is not there and go out and find someone who will match that compatibility however long that may take and not just settle.

OP getting married is a huge undertaking and responsibility and not something to just blindly walk into. You will see on this community any amount of bored men and women who live in dull sexless marriages and dead bedrooms. I reckon in time you could end up like them.

Every relationship is different and it's obvious you love and care for this woman, but any healthy relationship is about compromise and hard work; if that is not there, then it may be time to finish this and look elsewhere.

zapper55

With no kids or age/health worries that you speak of this is likely to be the absolute best your sex life will ever be.

She sounds like she's not comfortable with her sexuality or has no enthusiasm for sex. She couldnt even finish a book on it. I feel really sorry for her, she would be much better matched with someone with a similar attitude to sex. And that's not a criticism of you, I think you deserve the same.

You dismissed couples counseling but if it was me I'd find one specialising in sex and have you both go.

Augme

She clearly has little interest in sex so you need to figure out if going without sex is something you are happy to do once you are married and have kids.

wiggle16

I think Caranica's reply (2nd post) is probably the most astute you are going to get.

You two have done everything right, you've talked about it, you have respected one another's boundaries. Her sex drive is simply not as strong or varied as yours, she has hang-ups about a number of things you like and want, and you sound like someone who has a preference for novelty and spontaneity, things she isn't capable of giving you. It's just not in her make-up.

Usually when guys come to PI with issues like yours, my initial response is "okay, but what's in it for her??" But it sounds like you have that covered, and the remainder of your sex life is just her getting down to, quite literally, servicing you.

While I think you should have a frank discussion with her, I don't think much will change. You're not a good match for one another sexually. Either way, you need to have this conversation before you walk down the aisle.

SaltSweatSugar

I agree with others that you guys should give couples counselling a go. I know you’ve spoken to each other about it but it can be good to bounce things off someone who is impartial and unbiased. I don’t think you should get married until you figure out if the current situation is one you can be happy with, as it would just lead to bigger problems and heartache down the road.

Personally, for me sex is so incredibly important in a relationship, not just for the pleasure but for the intimacy. If the guy I was with wasn’t fully satisfied with our sex life, I’d much rather he talk to me about it than worry about it alone, and I’d jump at the chance to go to couples counselling to try and sort it out. I’d want to exhaust every single option before calling things off, but that’s me.

It sounds like you guys have a good relationship other than this, so I do hope ye can find a way to sort it out. And if it turns out that ye are just completely incompatible, then it’s better to break now before ye commit to a marriage. Something like this can lead to resentment down the line which isn’t healthy for anyone. It’s ok to have different desires and attitudes when it comes to sex, but I don’t think it’s something you can compromise on if you’re not happy with it. People could get hurt in the long run.

Loveinapril

I am another poster who advocates gping to a specific sex therapist. From your posts, I can see how you really love your partner and how hard you are trying to make this work, but it definitely feels like you need to try something else before you get married. I am sure your fiancee knows that this is important to you but maybe telling her you feel like you need outside support will show her how detrimental it is to your relationship that you work on your compatibility. You are probably having the most sex you will ever have in your relationship right now. If you go on to have children, pregnancy, exhaustion and then just surviving day to day will impact frequency and inclination. Spontanaity goes out the window, leisurely days in bed experimenting are non- existent and brevity becomes familiar territory. At least if you have a good baseline of sex before the madness if parenthood hits, you have something to hope to return to.

rob316

I don't know op it sounds like ye have a lot going for each other as a couple. You could spend your life trying to find someone that ticks every box.

I suppose intimacy has always been more important to me with my wife than sex itself.

She clearly loves you, she's tried to make you happy even to her own discomfort.

Weigh it up if you can't compromise on it, let her go. No point both of ye been unhappy and resenting each other.

Make no mistake this will be as good as it gets, when kids come along, pressures of life, exhaustion sex will be few and far between.

I wish you and your partner the best OP.

ginandtonicsky

SecondGuessing wrote: »

Probably my favourite response so far, thank you. I've a lot of thinking to do. I certainly do have a tendency to over think and "pick" at things. When I proposed, I did it because it felt so so right. Right now feels like a combination of picking on certain things (that may or may not be valid) and the fear of it being the beginning of the rest of my life.

I think this is pretty crucial information. It sounds like you're getting cold feet syndrome as I'm guessing the wedding plans are speeding ahead. Wedding jitters are pretty normal and can call everything into question as you begin to ruminate on the rest of your life with this one person and this one person alone.

Before you proposed, were you frustrated with your sex life? Were these things a pain point for you?

It's not a bad thing that you're thinking long and hard about these things, as of course you should think long and hard about what the rest of your life might look like. And it's certainly true that there are major incompatibilities there. I agree with others in that this is probably as good as it gets with your partner. She's not going to suddenly be open to experimenting or become really verbally expressive or have a sex drive overhaul overnight. The way it is, realistically, probably isn't going to improve all that much as you move into married life.

What you really think about is, assuming that's the case, do you still want to marry her? Are you going to eventually get so frustrated that resentment builds and affects your overall relationship?

woodchuck

OP I'd normally be the first one to recommend counselling, but I'm not sure it will help in this case. It sounds like she's already listening to your concerns and compromising where she's comfortable - I'm not sure what else can be expected from her?

As far as your sex life goes, this is as good as it's ever going to get. Counselling isn't going to change her sex drive or her desire (or lack there of) for experimentation.

Now you just need to ask yourself: is the status quo enough for you?

Sleepy

Does the Marvin Gaye song "I Want You" resonate OP?

Might be a good way of explaining to your other half what's missing in your sex life: a feeling of being desired.

Metroid diorteM

When the op posted that she feels nothing when she tried masturbating I was like uh oh

I’ve never heard of this before but maybe it’s not as rare as I think?

It’s a shame because in every other way things look good for you guys.