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Engaged, questioning LT relationship due to sexual compatibility issues

2

Comments

  • #32
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    OP so we all know what you like and your wishes (BJs, dirty talk, sexting etc), and that you estimate your sexual compatibility based on whether your girlfriend delivers on it or not. She is trying to comply but you can tell that this list is not her list and it makes you question the relationship.

    But what does she like?
    Does she like a massage? A 30 minutes foreplay? Sex in new places? A light smack or two? Fingers? Toes? Doesn't want porn but has a reaction to an erotica story? Something else? Anything?

    In what ways do you learn and deliver on her wishes?

    There is a chance that she does not like or want anything at all, she only does it for you and not for herself, and that is your real incompatibility right there, and it won't get better. You would need to reconsider the relationship then because you are clearly not a match and most likely cannot develop into one.

    But there is also a chance that her being clearly a lot less experienced she has no confidence to recognise and express her own wishes, and when the convo does turn to sex it's about something from your list again and it simply does not turn her on. She can obey but not enjoy. So how can you leverage your own experience and sex-positive attitude to help her discover her own list? Do you want to? She can be a sex-positive woman in her own way, or grow into one, but right now you might be smothering her exploration with your one size fits all prescription.


  • #33
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    <snip>

    A wind up surely? Wanting a healthy sex life is the norm & nothing in his posts sounds in any way excessive - its very tame,standard stuff.

    I have total sympathy for the OP - to a point, lost as to why you ever considered getting engaged before sorting this out, but sympathise with the rest.

    Two of the biggest contributors to relationship breakdown are sex incompatabilty & financial incompatability.

    In my own experience, its very hard to find someone who you are compatable in ever way. Some of the best sex, I've had is with people I liked the least on a day to day level.

    What you have to decide is if you are compromising too much? I know nobody who says their sex life improved after marraige - its maintained at best.

    Talk again about your long term relationship & if it provides you both with everything you need.


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP.
    I've been following this thread and decided to go unreg for the reply.
    To give a bit of perspective, I was in you GFs shoes.
    Myself and an ex partner were not sexually compatible.
    The more he insisted on trying things I was not confortable with the more I lost the willingness to try it.
    For example, he loved getting BJ, I do like them in my own way/terms, he insisted in getting them his way and it completely turned me off them for a long time.
    The more he insisted in me initiating sex, the more it turned off it.
    He told me that I was very sexually immature and I disagreed, I love sex.
    What ended up happening was that I resented him for being so forceful (if hlyou call it that) I gave in and tried new stuff, some I liked some definitely not but once I tried it it was expected.
    Ended up calling it quits when I felt all I was was a sex object expected to perform.


  • #35
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I’m a regular poster but going unreg as this doesn’t just involve me. Your post really resonated with me as it’s something I wonder about myself at times. For context, when I met my husband, I had only had a handful of short term sexual partners and no serious relationships. He had had several serious relationships and plenty of sexual partners.

    For me, frequency or desire has never been an issue, but I yearn for passion and I have instead managed to marry the most laid back person I could find. In my fantasies, I’m with a man who can’t keep his hands off me, who shoves me against a wall and kisses me passionately, who sneaks off to the bathroom with me at parties to f**k me. Instead, 90% of the time, sex happens when we’re already in bed and it nearly always follows a similar routine. My husband has NO interest in having sex if there’s any chance we might be overseen. Even if I initiate in the living room, for example, he’ll push me off to make sure the curtains are closed before continuing, which is quite a passion killer.

    It’s not ideal for me. That passion mostly just happens in my fantasies (although there are odd times my husband surprises me with passion, and I heap positive feedback on him for that!). Have wondered whether I settled, or sold myself short. But at the end of the day, I adore my husband. He has so many qualities that make him an amazing man and husband. He is intelligent and funny and so kind and thoughtful. He might not shove me against a wall and kiss me passionately, but he makes me coffee every single morning without fail, and he buys me flowers, and he cuddles me so tightly every night.

    There are times when I question if I could find a relationship that ticks all the boxes, but when I really think about it, I’m happy to compromise on our sex life to have all of the other things that we have. It’s an incredibly personal decision and it’s absolutely fine if you decide that you’re sexually incompatible and that’s too much of a hurdle to overcome. Nobody wants a dead bedroom and other posters are right that your fiancée probably won’t change. But I agree with ginandtonicsky that sex is just one part of a relationship and it’s worth looking at the relationship as a whole before making any serious decisions.


  • #36
    Hedgelayer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 530 ✭✭✭Hedgelayer


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    A wind up surely? Wanting a healthy sex life is the norm & nothing in his posts sounds in any day excessive - its very tame,standard stuff.

    I have total sympathy for the OP - to a point, lost as to why you ever considered getting engaged before sorting this out.

    Two of the biggest cobtributors to relationship breakdown are sex incompatabilty & financial compatability.

    In my own experience, its very hard to find someone who you are compatable in ever way. Some of the best sex, I've had is with people I liked the least on a day to day level.

    What you have to decide is if you are compromising too much? I know nobody who says there sex life improved after marraige - its maintained at best.

    Talk again about your long term relationship & if it provides you bothwith everything you need.

    I agree with your response to my question.

    I myself have gone to the point in my life where sex is secondary in a relationship and companionship is more appealing.

    Maybe the OP has done enough for the survival of the relationship and best thing for the other person is to leave her.

    She might not find him attractive anymore and could meet someone else and be absolutely fired up and compatible.

    The op can have his freedom and let loose, and he's entitled to that freedom.

    No point in being with someone who's not ticking all the boxes.

    And I have had amazing encounters with people I didn't even have anything in common with.

    Im rugged tattooed bearded and athletic working as a forestry and horticulture , the kind of women who are attracted to me are the petite high flyers executive's...

    Probably on 3 times my salary its great fun and it's financial compatibility which causes problems.

    So I can relate to the OP for being incompatible on a different scale.

    Sorry op for suggesting you could have sex problems, I have financial issues myself


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  • #37
    jimd2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    Apologies if I have got the wrong end of the stick here but I didnt get any feeling from the OP that he actually loves his fiance.

    I am married almost 30 years (eeek) and our marriage has probably got stronger over the years and our sex life is probably as good and (almost) as frequent as it was in the early years of the marriage. We do have differences but had a core bond there.

    Even with sex we would not always have been on the same wavelength but gradually learned what the other wanted - the person that suggested longer foreplay / massage etc made a good point.

    I think the key aspect is that when all the aspects of your relationship and your fiance is considered do you still love her and want to be with her through thick and thin? If you do then you should both try and work ogether to improve this aspect, albeit a VERY important aspect of your relationship.

    If you think this is going to claw away at you and that you and she will be unwilling to compromise then I think you should take the advice from many here and walk away.


  • #38
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,819 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    It sounds like she simply doesn't have a high sex drive, and as sex isn't that important to her, it seems like that extends to how she views it for you.

    I suppose what you want, OP, is not only that she is spontaneous and takes the initiative and so on, but that she does so out of genuine passion and enthusiasm. Not only that she does certain things, but that she naturally wants to do them, rather than out of obligation or whatever.

    But if she naturally wanted to do these things, she already would be doing them, and there wouldn't be an issue. I don't know if there is much (or anything) you can do to make her change her nature.

    And you need to have a good think about this now, and decide if it is something you can accept in the long term. Because, as others have said, things are unlikely to get any better down the line, but the stakes in a break-up get a lot higher when kids and a mortgage are involved.


  • #39
    khaldrogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,582 ✭✭✭khaldrogo


    SecondGuessing wrote:
    That sub can be a wee bit toxic. Tends to represent the relationships where one person is entirely uninterested in sex altogether. This is not the case for us but rather the discrepancy between our interest in sex in general. Plus the chemistry, which isn't a 0/10, but it's not 10/10 for sure.


    The point is that Reddit sub is full of stories from men and women who started out like you. Be careful is all I'm saying


  • #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    strandroad wrote: »
    OP so we all know what you like and your wishes (BJs, dirty talk, sexting etc), and that you estimate your sexual compatibility based on whether your girlfriend delivers on it or not. She is trying to comply but you can tell that this list is not her list and it makes you question the relationship.


    But what does she like?
    Does she like a massage? A 30 minutes foreplay? Sex in new places? A light smack or two? Fingers? Toes? Doesn't want porn but has a reaction to an erotica story? Something else? Anything?

    In what ways do you learn and deliver on her wishes?

    There is a chance that she does not like or want anything at all, she only does it for you and not for herself, and that is your real incompatibility right there, and it won't get better. You would need to reconsider the relationship then because you are clearly not a match and most likely cannot develop into one.

    But there is also a chance that her being clearly a lot less experienced she has no confidence to recognise and express her own wishes, and when the convo does turn to sex it's about something from your list again and it simply does not turn her on. She can obey but not enjoy. So how can you leverage your own experience and sex-positive attitude to help her discover her own list? Do you want to? She can be a sex-positive woman in her own way, or grow into one, but right now you might be smothering her exploration with your one size fits all prescription.

    We have found stuff she likes, but it's been difficult.
    She has said she has no sexual fantasies, hasn't ever had a sex dream... so it's been me trying new things on her that has helped her discover things she likes (massages and playing with her tits being two examples). As I said, I get off on giving pleasure so it's been hard to hear some of her responses, I think it's common enough for people who don't/rarely masturbate to not know what they like. I used to be desperate to find something she liked, but it's been somewhat impossible to discover new things at times. This was why I thought the book "sex for one" may expand her horizons a wee bit but unfortunately, she didn't finish the book.


    And to all the people questioning why I proposed, simply put, at the time, despite the bedroom issues (remember, sex and stuff is still frequent) I thought I could compromise because almost everything else outside the bedroom was great. It has begun to weigh on me more and more over time, so now I'm looking to consolidate and address it. Thanks for all your responses so far.


  • #41
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    I really think the best thing for people to do in situations like this is to stop lying to themselves, accept that the compatibility is not there and go out and find someone who will match that compatibility however long that may take and not just settle.

    OP getting married is a huge undertaking and responsibility and not something to just blindly walk into. You will see on this community any amount of bored men and women who live in dull sexless marriages and dead bedrooms. I reckon in time you could end up like them.

    Every relationship is different and it's obvious you love and care for this woman, but any healthy relationship is about compromise and hard work; if that is not there, then it may be time to finish this and look elsewhere.


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  • #42
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    With no kids or age/health worries that you speak of this is likely to be the absolute best your sex life will ever be.

    She sounds like she's not comfortable with her sexuality or has no enthusiasm for sex. She couldnt even finish a book on it. I feel really sorry for her, she would be much better matched with someone with a similar attitude to sex. And that's not a criticism of you, I think you deserve the same.

    You dismissed couples counseling but if it was me I'd find one specialising in sex and have you both go.


  • #43
    Augme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,621 ✭✭✭Augme


    She clearly has little interest in sex so you need to figure out if going without sex is something you are happy to do once you are married and have kids.


  • #44
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I think Caranica's reply (2nd post) is probably the most astute you are going to get.

    You two have done everything right, you've talked about it, you have respected one another's boundaries. Her sex drive is simply not as strong or varied as yours, she has hang-ups about a number of things you like and want, and you sound like someone who has a preference for novelty and spontaneity, things she isn't capable of giving you. It's just not in her make-up.

    Usually when guys come to PI with issues like yours, my initial response is "okay, but what's in it for her??" But it sounds like you have that covered, and the remainder of your sex life is just her getting down to, quite literally, servicing you.

    While I think you should have a frank discussion with her, I don't think much will change. You're not a good match for one another sexually. Either way, you need to have this conversation before you walk down the aisle.


  • #45
    SaltSweatSugar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭SaltSweatSugar


    I agree with others that you guys should give couples counselling a go. I know you’ve spoken to each other about it but it can be good to bounce things off someone who is impartial and unbiased. I don’t think you should get married until you figure out if the current situation is one you can be happy with, as it would just lead to bigger problems and heartache down the road.

    Personally, for me sex is so incredibly important in a relationship, not just for the pleasure but for the intimacy. If the guy I was with wasn’t fully satisfied with our sex life, I’d much rather he talk to me about it than worry about it alone, and I’d jump at the chance to go to couples counselling to try and sort it out. I’d want to exhaust every single option before calling things off, but that’s me.

    It sounds like you guys have a good relationship other than this, so I do hope ye can find a way to sort it out. And if it turns out that ye are just completely incompatible, then it’s better to break now before ye commit to a marriage. Something like this can lead to resentment down the line which isn’t healthy for anyone. It’s ok to have different desires and attitudes when it comes to sex, but I don’t think it’s something you can compromise on if you’re not happy with it. People could get hurt in the long run.


  • #46
    rob316
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,667 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    I don't know op it sounds like ye have a lot going for each other as a couple. You could spend your life trying to find someone that ticks every box.

    I suppose intimacy has always been more important to me with my wife than sex itself.

    She clearly loves you, she's tried to make you happy even to her own discomfort.

    Weigh it up if you can't compromise on it, let her go. No point both of ye been unhappy and resenting each other.

    Make no mistake this will be as good as it gets, when kids come along, pressures of life, exhaustion sex will be few and far between.

    I wish you and your partner the best OP.


  • #47
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    SecondGuessing wrote: »
    Probably my favourite response so far, thank you. I've a lot of thinking to do. I certainly do have a tendency to over think and "pick" at things. When I proposed, I did it because it felt so so right. Right now feels like a combination of picking on certain things (that may or may not be valid) and the fear of it being the beginning of the rest of my life.

    I think this is pretty crucial information. It sounds like you're getting cold feet syndrome as I'm guessing the wedding plans are speeding ahead. Wedding jitters are pretty normal and can call everything into question as you begin to ruminate on the rest of your life with this one person and this one person alone.

    Before you proposed, were you frustrated with your sex life? Were these things a pain point for you?

    It's not a bad thing that you're thinking long and hard about these things, as of course you should think long and hard about what the rest of your life might look like. And it's certainly true that there are major incompatibilities there. I agree with others in that this is probably as good as it gets with your partner. She's not going to suddenly be open to experimenting or become really verbally expressive or have a sex drive overhaul overnight. The way it is, realistically, probably isn't going to improve all that much as you move into married life.

    What you really think about is, assuming that's the case, do you still want to marry her? Are you going to eventually get so frustrated that resentment builds and affects your overall relationship?


  • #48
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP I'd normally be the first one to recommend counselling, but I'm not sure it will help in this case. It sounds like she's already listening to your concerns and compromising where she's comfortable - I'm not sure what else can be expected from her?

    As far as your sex life goes, this is as good as it's ever going to get. Counselling isn't going to change her sex drive or her desire (or lack there of) for experimentation.

    Now you just need to ask yourself: is the status quo enough for you?


  • #49
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,540 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Does the Marvin Gaye song "I Want You" resonate OP?

    Might be a good way of explaining to your other half what's missing in your sex life: a feeling of being desired.


  • #50
    Metroid diorteM
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 303 ✭✭Metroid diorteM


    When the op posted that she feels nothing when she tried masturbating I was like uh oh

    I’ve never heard of this before but maybe it’s not as rare as I think?

    It’s a shame because in every other way things look good for you guys.


  • #51
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    Metroid diorteM wrote: »
    When the op posted that she feels nothing when she tried masturbating I was like uh oh

    I’ve never heard of this before but maybe it’s not as rare as I think?

    It’s a shame because in every other way things look good for you guys.

    She may be asexual.


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  • #52
    Emme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP you said that before you met she was focused mainly on college, career, relationship, house. That's fine if it's what she wants. However I'm guessing that once all those boxes are ticked the next one will be "babies" and after that it could be a desert for you.

    There have been countless threads here from beleaguered partners in sexless marriages, many of them men. In some cases the woman only had sex with her partner as a means to an end (ie marriage/commitment) and when children came along it stopped.

    Perhaps your OH feels intimidated by your experience and is afraid to open up for fear of comparison with previous experience you had. This is probably completely unfounded but it could be an issue with her. I think counselling might help you both decide your compatibilities or otherwise and hopefully help her open up a bit more to you.


  • #53
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    They have a good sex life as in frequency! Chemistry is missing! Despite its name, it’s not something you can conjure up in a lab.


  • #54
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Church on Tuesday wrote: »
    She may be asexual.

    Asexual doesn't really mean that a person gets no pleasure from masturbating - many asexual people masturbate. It just means they don't feel sexual attraction or desire for other people. I wouldn't say this is the case for the OP's partner, she would seem to be attracted to him, just not adventurous or spontaneous.

    I agree with other posters, I dont think counselling will accomplish much, but I think, considering your relationship is otherwise good, that it's worth a try.


  • #55
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    Asexual doesn't really mean that a person gets no pleasure from masturbating - many asexual people masturbate. It just means they don't feel sexual attraction or desire for other people. I wouldn't say this is the case for the OP's partner, she would seem to be attracted to him, just not adventurous or spontaneous.

    I agree with other posters, I dont think counselling will accomplish much, but I think, considering your relationship is otherwise good, that it's worth a try.

    Yea but it also can mean a distinct lack of interest in sexual pleasure or the seeking of it.

    It''s either that or the OP's partner has a very low sex drive.


  • #56
    ElizaBennett
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 244 ✭✭ElizaBennett


    I really came out of my shell sexually with my OH, having had a fairly vanilla sex life with ex husband which ended with sex once a month at most. My partner kept coaxing me to try things and made it easy to trust him from the start. I had lines in the sand re what I was willing to do which have now been washed away. Can you be certain you've tried everything in your arsenal to coax the sex goddess out of her? I met with success as I really really fancied my partner and knew he was mad about me and wanted me to feel good as his lifes goal. Does your OH feel this way? That you want nothing more than to see her happy. For me that breeds more love and attachment.
    Have you ever walked into the room and picked her up and carried her upstairs? Big romantic gestures might do it. Make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. It could work. It should be fun and awesome and romantic and like a fantasy come true, at least at the beginning. Then there's a firm foundation for the future.


  • #57
    whomadewho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 84 ✭✭whomadewho


    SecondGuessing wrote: »
    <snip>

    Id say you are right, she could be asexual. Google brainfall asexual quiz, print the 9 questions off and ask her them. Then you will get your answer.


  • #58
    Bigdig69
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71 ✭✭Bigdig69


    Just be a big boy. If she doesn't like to hear you talk dirty, just do it in your own head. With the rest just take charge and lead the way. She will follow.


  • #59
    Bigdig69
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71 ✭✭Bigdig69


    ElizaBennett wrote: »
    I really came out of my shell sexually with my OH, having had a fairly vanilla sex life with ex husband which ended with sex once a month at most. My partner kept coaxing me to try things and made it easy to trust him from the start. I had lines in the sand re what I was willing to do which have now been washed away. Can you be certain you've tried everything in your arsenal to coax the sex goddess out of her? I met with success as I really really fancied my partner and knew he was mad about me and wanted me to feel good as his lifes goal. Does your OH feel this way? That you want nothing more than to see her happy. For me that breeds more love and attachment.
    Have you ever walked into the room and picked her up and carried her upstairs? Big romantic gestures might do it. Make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. It could work. It should be fun and awesome and romantic and like a fantasy come true, at least at the beginning. Then there's a firm foundation for the future.

    This is exactly what I think too, just Eliza put it much better.


  • #60
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If she thought you were thinking of taking marriage off the table she'd probably change her tune fairly quickly. She'd flash forward to having to get used to a new partner and them wanting her to engage more in se* and she'll soon be more open to listening to what you need


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  • #61
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,819 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    watchthisspace wrote: »
    If she thought you were thinking of taking marriage off the table she'd probably change her tune fairly quickly. She'd flash forward to having to get used to a new partner and them wanting her to engage more in se* and she'll soon be more open to listening to what you need


    Does he really want to be using the threat of breaking up with her as leverage to have more sex?


    As I understand it, they are actually having sex regularly enough, but the OP wants something more fundamental - he wants it to be as important to her as it is to him, he wants to feel that she cares about his pleasure as much as he cares about hers, he wants her to want him as much as he wants her.


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