Engaged, questioning LT relationship due to sexual compatibility issues

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 07:34PM #1

This might be a long one but it's eating away at me and it's tough to figure out what I should and do and where the problem actually lies.

I'm engaged to a genuinely caring, sweet, beautiful woman but lately I've been having issues with our sexual chemistry, passion, spark, whatever you want to call it....

We're both in our early 30's and while my past would have me labelled as a lot more experienced than her, when it comes to her being open and willing to experiment or communicate in sexual ways there's a bit of a roadblock.

I'm her very first long term relationship, she had slept with maybe 2/3 (I would be around mid 20's with my number, I'm including this for the sake of full disclosure) people before me and they were very short lived dating daliances she would have had. Even before she met me, she's always been quite focused on career, meeting someone, house, marriage, kids.
She doesn't masturbate really, says it feels like nothing if she uses her own hands on herself, has never looked at porn (doesn't want to try) and has been mostly unable to communicate sexually, via text or otherwise. She'd prefer to change the topic if I started talking sexually via text. Her response when I said I'd like some sexual communication was "that's just not me, you know I don't talk like that".

I'm pretty expressive, sexually charged person, and would largely get off on giving my partner pleasure, and initially, she didn't. There was no reciprocation of oral from her until a conversation took place after 6 months of us being together. Her rationale then was "she didn't get anything out of it" but I genuinely felt it was a combination of anxiety of potentially doing it wrong/lack of experience/slight OCD when it comes to hygiene (I like to stay very clean for the record).

She eventually wanted to try it and it's been frequent-ish ever since then (3 years). I'm not sure I ever found out the real reason for her aversion to it though. It still plays on my mind sometimes that a discussion was necessary to get that reciprocation. It doesn't feel great that I had to "convince" her - Let me add a note here that everyone has the right to refuse to do something if they don't want to do it, but people have a right for it to be deal-breaker for them - we had a discussion.

Anyway.. fast forward to today and certain things just aren't "clicking" for me, the likelihood that she will initiate is pretty low, and if she does, I feel it's because she knows it's been a few days and that I'm probably at my limit of how often I prefer to have sex - I'd prefer it more often, but it's decent at being once every 3-4 days, that frequency is mostly fine, on paper. The sex itself is good, pretty vanilla, but there's zero chance for any experimentation and very little chance of verbal sexual expression occurring in or outside of the bedroom. She admitted that she doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying when I'm dirty talking during sex, she focusing on my physical tough - I wasn't sure what to make of that comment (negatively or positively).

We've had multiple conversations around her lack of initiation and communication when it comes to sex, it was pretty emotional as I couldn't hide how serious it was to me and how much it was wearing me down that it felt like she wasn't into me all that much physically. She agreed that she would look into expanding her horizons a bit when it came to sexual things, so we did a bit of research and came up with a book suggestion that we'd both read "Sex for one". Ironically named I suppose but it seemed like it would be at the very least, a good place to start.

She didn't get halfway through the book however, maybe about a quarter. When I asked about it, she said "don't judge me on that" (in a much less passive aggressive way that that reads). And in fairness she did start to initiate more though, but it feels very "I can tell he wants me to initiate, so I will" sort of thing, rather than from chemistry/a spark while kissing or similar - it doesn't feel organic to me. It's like she understand sex in a relationship is necessary for me, knows I need it, but I'm not sure she does.

I'm worrying I may be overthinking it all a bit too much though, over analysing things and participating in confirmation bias which may be clouding my judgement. I've almost convinced myself she may be asexual and she doesn't realise it.

I'm worried that I can't reconcile my past sexual experiences and while I do not miss sleeping around, I miss the things that are currently missing/not quite there... the passion, the spark, the initiation, the expression. All this is leading me to worry about our future together - my frustration ends up showing itself in other parts of the relationship - I find myself sometimes being moody or quiet - which certainly won't encourage her to initiate, a vicious cycle of sorts... but I'm trying very hard to not be that person. Ugh I think we need counselling.... Cheers for reading.

Caranica · 10-05-2019 08:06PM

I thought it was the part of our relationship I could compromise on when I married my ex. I shouldn't have tried. It does vary for people but sexual compatibility is more important than I realised when I said yes.

For me it's now a dealbreaker. But this is so personal, only you can work out if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 08:20PM

How many years have you been dating?
When is your wedding date set for?

Nothing will change now after the wedding if it hasn't already. Irrespective of her numbers (also remember, it's quality not quantity!!!)
She isn't going to morph into this whole different person. She is showing you who she is- believe her. The real question is, can you deal with this forever? Because having children will make things harder again.
Seek counselling, single & couples.
Do NOT get married until you are 100% happy with your decision

Sardonicat · 10-05-2019 09:07PM

If she doesn't like dirty talk then stop doing it. You're probably turning her off.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 09:14PM

Sardonicat wrote: »

If she doesn't like dirty talk then stop doing it. You're probably turning her off.

So once she said she doesn't listen to it, I did stop.... And I think in the grand scheme of things and the issues I'm trying to address, that's a pretty small part of it.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 09:17PM

Caranica wrote: »

I thought it was the part of our relationship I could compromise on when I married my ex. I shouldn't have tried. It does vary for people but sexual compatibility is more important than I realised when I said yes.

For me it's now a dealbreaker. But this is so personal, only you can work out if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

This is my worry, that I've been trying to convince myself that it is something I can compromise on but if it's weighing on me now, how can we continue?

Though I'm also trying to look at this from a perspective of.. am I self sabotaging? Participating in confirmation bias? That I can't see the forest for the trees?That I may be looking at the negatives on the sexual side ignoring the positives.

Our compatibility in genenral is very high, our chemistry.. is not.

zapper55 · 10-05-2019 09:31PM

You sound hugely incompatible sexually. For what it's worth I've been you in a relationship and my boyfriend has nowhere near the same sex drive. It wears you down eventually, it's so demoralising .

This is only going to get worse as you get older, have kids etc. There's so many posts on here from guys who think their sex life will magically improve when they get married, I have no idea why.

As a side note re oral sex sounds like she still has no interest in it and is grudgingly doing it to keep you happy, especially you keep having discussions about it. I do thinks its incredibly insensitive that you have no understanding of why she mightnt like it, perhaps she just doesnt want a penis in her mouth.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 09:40PM

zapper55 wrote: »

You sound hugely incompatible sexually. For what it's worth I've been you in a relationship and my boyfriend has nowhere near the same sex drive. It wears you down eventually, it's so demoralising .

This is only going to get worse as you get older, have kids etc. There's so many posts on here from guys who think their sex life will magically improve when they get married, I have no idea why.

All fair points, things for me to consider.

As a side note re oral sex sounds like she still has no interest in it and is grudgingly doing it to keep you happy, especially you keep having discussions about it. I do thinks its incredibly insensitive that you have no understanding of why she mightnt like it, perhaps she just doesnt want a penis in her mouth.

Well, it's not that I'm not understanding, I did explain that people have every right not to do something they don't want to do. It's just that her explanation of "It doesn't do anything for me" sounds like a selfish reason. If her reason truly is "I don't want a penis in my mouth, I don't like it", then by all means, fair enough, say that... but that wasn't her reason. And to add to that, I did go on to say that the real reason was probably a shyness/lack of experience thing, but admittedly that's conjecture. I really didn't think at the time she meant it to come out as selfishly as it sounded. Also, your suggestion is pure conjecture as well.

I mean, imagine it's roles reversed, she's giving me head all the time and I give the reason of "It doesn't do anything for me" when she asks that I reciprocate.. I don't think anyone would be on my side...

This is all on top of the fact that it occurs relatively frequently at this point and isn't the main issue right now. Rather a number of smaller incidents building to a bigger problem in the relationship.

ginandtonicsky · 10-05-2019 09:44PM

Is this your longest relationship OP? I’m asking because, while there are clear areas of sexual incompatibility there, this “spark” you mention is IME very much a factor in casual or short term setups, but tends to dip over time. You settle into “relationship sex”, just as you settle into a deeper love that’s not characterised by butterflies and stomach flip flops when you see your OH.

I’m pretty sure it’s a chemical thing - the novelty wears off, you get used to each other’s bodies and it becomes routine. Not boring or miserable, but familiar and routine. Excuse the bluntness, but on the face of it, you’re having sex 2/3 times a week and getting regular BJs, many LT or married couples would kill for that kind of sex life. Not a good measuring stick I know, but something to put your problem in perspective.

Was your sex life ever any other way? Did your gf initiate in the early Honeymoon days? Was she into dirty talk back then? Was she more adventurous? If not, then I think it’s unreasonable to expect that she will suddenly change now, several years in.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 09:57PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Is this your longest relationship OP? I’m asking because, while there are clear areas of sexual incompatibility there, this “spark” you mention is IME very much a factor in casual or short term setups, but tends to dip over time. You settle into “relationship sex”, just as you settle into a deeper love that’s not characterised by butterflies and stomach flip flops when you see your OH.

Past two relationship were 4 and 3 years respectively, this one is almost 4 years. Chemistry was not an issue on those ones however. First one, different life goals (wanted to work in different countries) and second one was a bit of a dumpster fire but both had high sexual chemistry. Goes to show I suppose that sexual chemistry isn't everything... but has still ended up being important to me currently when it isn't really present.

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I’m pretty sure it’s a chemical thing - the novelty wears off, you get used to each other’s bodies and it becomes routine. Not boring or miserable, but familiar and routine. Excuse the bluntness, but on the face of it, you’re having sex 2/3 times a week and getting regular BJs, many LT or married couples would kill for that kind of sex life. Not a good measuring stick I know, but something to put your problem in perspective.

That's just it, on paper, the "numbers" aren't bad. In a previous relationship it's probably been about that frequent but it was never an issue due to the things I feel are missing (initiation, passion, chemistry etc..) if that makes sense?

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Was your sex life ever any other way? Did your gf initiate in the early Honeymoon days? Was she into dirty talk back then? Was she more adventurous? If not, then I think it’s unreasonable to expect that she will suddenly change now, several years in.

Her initiation is better now than it was then, since we've talked. But as I mentioned, it feels like she's doing it because she knows I need it, rather than her wanting it. That could be my paranoia though..
No, she was never into dirty talk, ever so slightly more adventurous now after our conversations? She has once invited me into the shower for sex. That was a pint in her favour, and I did tell her how much I liked the though and the sex itself. Nothing since then though. Again, not all entirely negative - and could indicate the issue is me looking at things too negatively?

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 10:48PM

I think it's not the amount of sex ye are having that's the issue tho right? Like you said, 'on paper's it's ok...and that's the problem right there. ...it all just seems so.. forced and unwanted from her side. I'd be so down if I had to ask my partner to please me or return a sexual favour ..or to please desire me enough to initiate sex.. those things are so basic and so.important, don't let ppl tell you you should be fine with a few nights nookie a week when there's loads of couples that get less...fine, less is annoying but less is immensely preferable when you know the desire is there and it's not a feeling of one partner wanting and the other just not that bothered about the whole thing. The fact she doesn't masterbate or have any sexual desires outside your relationship would have me very worried that's its not just a case of needing to communicate/work on things...it seems she doesn't like sex or have any interest in it. As time goes on, couples have less sex.. if it's like this now, her desire isn't going to grow, it'll diminish...do you want that? Ye are early 30's, a bit young to be settling for a lack of passion the bedroom

zapper55 · 10-05-2019 10:57PM

She doesn't actually need to explain to you why she doesn't like to give a BJ. You arent entitled to an explanation. If the person I was having sex with said they didnt like a particular sex act I would never bring it up again. I certainly wouldnt feel entitled to an explanation.

And if a bloke came on here and said I'm not comfortable giving head I would absolutely tell him not to. In fact if I recall I did recently in relation to a query on sex toys.

In answer to your query, you should go into couples counselling now, before you get married. See if there's a compromise you can come to (though I suspect you have both come as far as you can).

Sardonicat · 10-05-2019 11:03PM

SecondGuessing wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

If she doesn't like dirty talk then stop doing it. You're probably turning her off.

So once she said she doesn't listen to it, I did stop.... And I think in the grand scheme of things and the issues I'm trying to address, that's a pretty small part of it.

If you've stopped then fair enough . Bit I don't think it was a small thing. If she was trying not to listen to you during sex then the chemistry was gone for her. Is she able to tell you what she does and doesn't like? You say the reason she gave for not giving oral sex was that it didn't do anything for her. Do you think she might be afraid to say 'actually I think it's gross' in case you think she's prudish? She's already told you she gets nothing from it, why do you expect chemistry when it happens? It does nothing for her. She's going through the motions of something she, at best, doesn't enjoy and at worst, actively dislikes, to please you. Do you want her to pretend she's into it?

And no, I don't think a man should be expected to perform oral sex on a woman if he doesn't want to, whatever the reason. No one should be expected by their partner to do anything sexually they don't want to. There should be some form of enjoyment, if not sexual then at least a loving, bonding enjoyment. But if a particular act is taboo then its off the table. If the other partner can't live without that then they should end the relationship . Just end it if you're not compatible.

ginandtonicsky · 10-05-2019 11:24PM

SecondGuessing wrote: »

Past two relationship were 4 and 3 years respectively, this one is almost 4 years. Chemistry was not an issue on those ones however. First one, different life goals (wanted to work in different countries) and second one was a bit of a dumpster fire but both had high sexual chemistry. Goes to show I suppose that sexual chemistry isn't everything... but has still ended up being important to me currently when it isn't really present.

And those relationships ended due to a lack of compatibility. On really important things like life goals, values, ambitions, personality etc. Things that I assume you are aligned on with your OH, seeing as you proposed to her?

Passionate chemistry is not an indicator of long-term compatibility. Invariably, it burns out and/or wider issues reveal themselves once the mist of boning like rabbits dissipates. Attraction is important and in fact, vital, but lust can be a big fat liar as to what is real and what will actually last long-term. As you've discovered twice before.

Alas, it's not the stuff that has been inspiring poets and Hollywood movies since the dawn of time, but it's far better to find someone you're compatible with that shares your goals and values. As well as having that attraction, which you clearly both have. But a, say, 6 or 7/10 on the chemistry scale and all of those important compatibilities is far better than a 10/10 and being partnered with a "dumpster fire". IME and what I so often hear anecdotally, that 10/10 usually predicts chaos and discord.

She's definitely less sexual and more vanilla than you are. That's quite clear. But you appear to be communicating well about this and she's evidently responded to your needs in multiple ways. You've said she's initiating more and you get regular BJs now, as opposed to how she was at the start of your relationship. Perhaps this is because she knows you are more sexual than her and as your partner, she loves you and wants you to be happy. Or maybe she actually enjoys it. The point is, you asked and she remedied the matter.

She's not willing to push her boundaries beyond that into the realm of dirty talk and more experimentation. And you have to respect it. You don't have to like it, and you yourself need to do some soul searching about what you want to do with that information. But you do have to respect her boundaries.

As to figuring this stuff out - think about why you proposed to her. And didn't with your previous two exes.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 11:32PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And those relationships ended due to a lack of compatibility. On really important things like life goals, values, ambitions, personality etc. Things that I assume you are aligned on with your OH, seeing as you proposed to her?

Passionate chemistry is not an indicator of long-term compatibility. Invariably, it burns out and/or wider issues reveal themselves once the mist of boning like rabbits dissipates. Attraction is important and in fact, vital, but lust can be a big fat liar as to what is real and what will actually last long-term. As you've discovered twice before.

Alas, it's not the stuff that has been inspiring poets and Hollywood movies since the dawn of time, but it's far better to find someone you're compatible with that shares your goals and values. As well as having that attraction, which you clearly both have. But a, say, 6 or 7/10 on the chemistry scale and all of those important compatibilities is far better than a 10/10 and being partnered with a "dumpster fire". IME and what I so often hear anecdotally, that 10/10 usually predicts chaos and discord.

She's definitely less sexual and more vanilla than you are. That's quite clear. But you appear to be communicating well about this and she's evidently responded to your needs in multiple ways. You've said she's initiating more and you get regular BJs now, as opposed to how she was at the start of your relationship. Perhaps this is because she knows you are more sexual than her and as your partner, she loves you and wants you to be happy. Or maybe she actually enjoys it. The point is, you asked and she remedied the matter.

She's not willing to push her boundaries beyond that into the realm of dirty talk and more experimentation. And you have to respect it. You don't have to like it, and you yourself need to do some soul searching about what you want to do with that information. But you do have to respect her boundaries.

As to figuring this stuff out - think about why you proposed to her. And didn't with your previous two exes.

Probably my favourite response so far, thank you. I've a lot of thinking to do. I certainly do have a tendency to over think and "pick" at things. When I proposed, I did it because it felt so so right. Right now feels like a combination of picking on certain things (that may or may not be valid) and the fear of it being the beginning of the rest of my life.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 11:39PM

zapper55 wrote: »

She doesn't actually need to explain to you why she doesn't like to give a BJ. You arent entitled to an explanation. If the person I was having sex with said they didnt like a particular sex act I would never bring it up again. I certainly wouldnt feel entitled to an explanation.

I didn't feel entitled to anything, at all. We talked about it, she said "she didn't get anything out of it" and I felt this sounded a bit selfish, especially since she wanted me to go down on her regularly. If the answer was "it grosses me out, I really don't want to do it" or similar, fair enough, don't. I think people are latching onto the BJ stuff a bit too much here... We had a conversation.

zapper55 wrote: »

And if a bloke came on here and said I'm not comfortable giving head I would absolutely tell him not to. In fact if I recall I did recently in relation to a query on sex toys.

Yep.

zapper55 wrote: »

In answer to your query, you should go into couples counselling now, before you get married. See if there's a compromise you can come to (though I suspect you have both come as far as you can).

We'll see, I love her to bits and we're compatible in many other ways outside of the sexual chemistry. And it's not as if the sexual chemistry is a 0/10, but it's up to me/us to figure out what happens next.

khaldrogo · 10-05-2019 11:52PM

r/deadbedrooms on Reddit..........have a look. She won't change.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2019 11:57PM

khaldrogo wrote: »

r/deadbedrooms on Reddit..........have a look. She won't change.

That sub can be a wee bit toxic. Tends to represent the relationships where one person is entirely uninterested in sex altogether. This is not the case for us but rather the discrepancy between our interest in sex in general. Plus the chemistry, which isn't a 0/10, but it's not 10/10 for sure.

Dial Hard · 11-05-2019 12:19AM

I'm actually going to have to disagree with ginandtonicksy here for pretty much the first time ever.

I think there are very, very clear sexual compatibility issues between you and your partner here and I think you'd be absolutely mad to ignore them. Neither of you are in the wrong here, in fact, you've both done everything right in terms of how you've tried to work around this issue. Yet your gut is still screaming at you.

I genuinely think you'd be mad to marry your girlfriend, OP. In fact, I can't really understand why you proposed in the first place. You both sound like great people but you are incompatible in a profoundly fundamental way. And being aligned on lots of other things isn't going to be enough to compensate for that in the long run.

You have already identified that your girlfriend is, essentially, going through the motions to a large degree because she feels she should. Because she knows there's an issue. But that's not sustainable long-term and I would put money on the fact that if you get married, you'll end up in the same position as *countless* posters here before you - stuck in a sexless marriage where the issues were writ large beforehand.

You both sound like lovely people. You have both genuinely done your best here but the outcome is that neither of you are happy with the situation. And that's not fair on either of you. By all means, I would recommend counselling, but with a therapist who specialises in sexual issues. But hand on heart, I think the writing is on the wall here. Sorry.

UsBus · 11-05-2019 01:21AM

Whatever you do, don't get married unless you completely want to. My experience was that getting married was very straight forward. Getting out of it has been a different story entirely and one process I wouldn't wish on anybody.
Not only do you have the hurt of a relationship ending but you lose control over everything. There's very little connection or love when you've two solicitors divying up your assets...

11-05-2019 01:32AM

All I would say is that sexual issues like this get worse after marriage. How it is now is as good as it gets. It doesn't improve after marriage. Choose wisely.

qwerty13 · 11-05-2019 01:51AM

That is tough situation OP. I’m afraid I can’t think of much constructive advice. On the one hand, I’ve seen so many threads on here where there was clear sexual incompatibility before marriage - which ended up in a sexual desert. But you and your GF seem to have a lot going for you, outside of the the sexual element - and more importantly that you can discuss the sexual element.

I guess finding complete compatibility is difficult in many aspects - whether that’s shared goals / ambitions / attitudes to kids, money, family. And sex. All I can say is how much weight do you put on the sexual side of things. It seems quite a lot. And that’s ok. Much as you two seem to be compatible on everything else, I totally understand what you mean re feeling hurt that she doesn’t initiate. Can you handle that for the rest of your life? I’m really not sure that I could.

Aufbau · 11-05-2019 01:56AM

I have to say I feel sorry for the woman in question. If it was her writing in, what would she say?

She doesn't like your dirty/sexy talk or your dirty/sexy texts. Doesn't like going down on you but you make it clear that it's expected anyway - like wtf? Doesn't seem all that keen to initiate sex with you but again you've made it quite clear with constant 'discussions' that, yes, it's expected anyway.

It seems to me that she's just not that into you.

I'd be telling her to get the hell out.

qwerty13 · 11-05-2019 02:16AM

She’s also a grown up. Who can and should express her own views. As the OP has, which I can’t imagine was terribly easy. Surely discussing an issue / difference is a good thing? Unfortunately it seems like her solution is to acquiesce to something she doesn’t necessarily like very much. As opposed to being honest, or finding alternatives. And in my view, there’s always many sexual alternatives. Don’t like A, well then let’s try B etc. Seems like the OP’s partner isn’t willing to do that though. Or not open to doing that.

If she dislikes what he likes quite so much, maybe she should end it. And ‘going along with things’ being the most enthusiasm she can muster is one small step behind sexual rejection. Which can be soul destroying.

Dien · 11-05-2019 02:21AM

It's a tough one, no doubt, but it can't be brushed under the carpet for ever. I'm different to you SecondGuessing in that my girlfriend would be more experienced than me, but we were very open from the start. I'd be a humble enough fella anyway so I had no problem initiating conversation on our sex lives and finding out what she likes/is into etc, purely because I was so mad into her I wanted to please her and not let the sex be a problem!
At the same time this was always reciprocated and I genuinely feel she always wants to thoroughly please me as much as I do her.
Being honest your post reads like you know the answer yourself, trust your gut bro and go with that, engagement or not.

LegacyUser · 11-05-2019 04:48AM

Aufbau wrote: »

I have to say I feel sorry for the woman in question. If it was her writing in, what would she say?

She doesn't like your dirty/sexy talk or your dirty/sexy texts. Doesn't like going down on you but you make it clear that it's expected anyway - like wtf? Doesn't seem all that keen to initiate sex with you but again you've made it quite clear with constant 'discussions' that, yes, it's expected anyway.

It seems to me that she's just not that into you.

I'd be telling her to get the hell out.

I've made it very clear that none of those things are expected, nor have any of them been forced upon her. Are you sure you've read my posts properly?

I've been pretty clear that those are things I like, and many of them she won't do. I'm not persisting with dirty texts, or talk. Once she said she doesn't like it, I stopped doing it.

Yellow pack crisps · 11-05-2019 08:00AM

The positives:
you are compatible in many ways.
You actually frequently have sex.
She listens to you.
You love her
I presume she loves you

The negatives:
She listens to you, does something to keep you happy and then reverts back to her normality. Not healthy for either of you. Sex is healthy and fun and not a chore. If it’s a chore in certain aspects it will become an argument in the future especially when kids come along and tiredness outweighs the will to do said chore.

You will essentially close of a part of sex that turns you on. This is not your fault or hers. You are sexually incompatible and you have to decide whether that is something you can live with. This is not your fiancés fault. She is telling you what she will and will not do. You’re either listening to her or not.

One day your conversations will turn from discussing sex to it becoming a crux in your relationship.

Her comment about not getting anything out of giving you oral is a real insight into the way she sees sexually. Again nothing wrong on her end, she is being honest, are you? Because ultimately you have not sat her down and said you are not happy with your sex life, because you’re not. She is not meeting your sexual needs, again not her fault.

After the shower sex, you expressed how much you enjoyed it. Then it never happened again. Again, she is telling you things without words and you either don’t want to listen Or are incapable off.

The old saying ‘love just ain’t enough’ springs to mind.

There is countless threads here of married people utterly miserable because they expected their partners to change and married them anyway and lived to regret it. I think you should think about your long term happiness before you make your bed.

CageWager · 11-05-2019 09:16AM

OP seems to be getting some heat for having the temerity to ask for oral sex. From his posts it seems pretty clear to me that he’s not some kind of sex crazed manic who is forcing BJ’s on his OH. They are adults. Oral is an integral part of one’s sex life and IMO nobody (man or woman) should be shamed for articulating their sexual desire.

Long-term monogamous relationships are about negotiation and compromise. Everyone has their personal boundaries but if one party just point blank refuses to do something that is important to the other person then the negotiation automatically fails.

As I’m typing this I'm thinking “In a relationship, does one person’s right to not give something trump the other person’s right to receive something”. I legitimately hate going to visit my girlfriends family - If I flat out refuse to do this without any negotiation would she have the right to be upset or would she be shamed for forcing something on me?

There are plenty of sexual and non-sexual things I do to please my girlfriend and vice-versa. We experiment, push boundaries, and constantly communicate. Above all else, it’s not about a particular sex act or whatever, it’s having a desire to pleasure the other half. Taking pleasure in giving pleasure. If not, you’re simply incompatible and despite what some people think, life is too short to settle for a relationship without sexual chemistry, its one of the true joys of existence.

Just my 2 cents, not here for a back and forth argument with anyone on this topic.

Best of luck OP

Rologyro · 11-05-2019 09:30AM

Hi OP,

My two cents is that you should go to sex counseling. If you’re near Dublin, Emily Power Smith is based in Dun Laoghaire. She was on the Tommy Tiernan show talking about her job, it’s on youtube.

XsApollo · 11-05-2019 09:43AM

Nothing you can do op, been there and nearly out.
It’s soul destroying being in that type of situation and it is not going to get better.
Your just going to get madder and more frustrated and she isn’t going to suddenly change.
You will be full of resentment soon enough which will affect every other part of your relationship.

Some people are horny some people are kinky and some people don’t get it and have no desire like that.

After experiencing this myself, sexual compatibility is very high on the list of must haves in a partner and relationship.

PokeHerKing · 11-05-2019 09:46AM

OP I would have run far away from any girl who doesn't like giving oral. Wtf is that?? You're not 15.

How or why did you propose to someone who doesn't enjoy every inch (no pun intended) of your body?

My advice is get out now, relationships are hard enough. The bedroom should be the easy part.

Engaged, questioning LT relationship due to sexual compatibility issues

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