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Emptiness after breakup with abuser

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Comments

  • #32
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,948 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Unless you cut him out of your life entirely you'll never move on from him. He drops in casually every couple of months or weeks because he knows it brings you almost back to square one again. It's not because he's feelings for you, but because you might be handy as a fallback option in the future for him. I doubt he would even consider your feelings.



    Stop letting him pick open the scab or you'll never heal.



    "He's vodka and you're an alcoholic". As usual, Ursus has nailed it. This should be your mantra.


  • #33
    Exaspo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Exaspo


    Not a bad mantra at all.

    I'm let down by my weakness and p*ssed at his minimisation.

    I'm not sure if I mentioned before that we are overseas and he effectively ostracized me from two communities, the Irish one and one related to our hobbies.

    This has been very isolating and I started to think it was my fault for removing myself. I wish that he'd given me the freedom to go to events and not show up for a few weeks while I grappled with the end and his betrayal.

    At this point, he's probably pinned god knows what to me and I'll need to actively remain away from these shared settings. I've received some coldness from people in these settings. Lost some mutual acquaintances.

    I feel like everyone thinks he's great water, while I know he's sh*te vodka.

    I need to remain removed I think, this trying to establish links is what set off his breadcrumbs.


  • #34
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,948 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    My nasty ex did a lot of damage to friendship groups on me. Even some of my own work colleagues. It hurt massively at the time but I looked up old friends, changed where I socialised, took up a new hobby and before I knew it, I had my own friends that had no connection to him. It was great really. In time I found that people gradually started to see the real him anyway.



    But it is hard in the beginning - especially if you are abroad in a smaller community. But see if you can see new hobby groups you might like or get involved in some local volunteering if that might be an option to keep busy and away from your usual haunts for a while.


  • #35
    Exaspo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Exaspo


    OP again. I have successfully maintained no contact. During NC I feel far better in my skin and can actually process my feelings. Unfortunately one of these feelings is anger.

    In one shared group he has shown off images indicating a new relationship. I left the group chat.

    I am now strongly compelled to expose his disgusting behaviour in another shared group where I have had to drop this hobbie and he wears the fake Mr. Nice guy mask.

    I have written what I'd say but such an action goes against my fiercely private personality. But he deserves exposure. It's not fair.


  • #36
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,444 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    OP, well done on maintaining your resolve.

    Under no circumstances should you try to expose this man 8n the way you are considering, however understandable your desire to do so is. This will backfire on your spectacularly and it will continue your connection to him.

    Now that your ability to emote has returned perhaps it is the right time to consider some counselling to help you deal with your feelings in a way that won't be self destructive .

    People like your ex are chameleons and master manipulators. But they don't fool all of the people all of the time. He will eventually expose himself and move on to his next unsuspecting victims. The ultimate goal for you is to be at a point in your life where you don't care where he is or who he's fooling. You are on the right track now. Stay strong. What you're feeling now is perfectly normal but very hard to deal with. Please consider getting help working through it.


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  • #37
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    All that exposing him will achieve is make you look like the crazy ex. People don't like to get caught up in the crossfire of a warring couple. That's what is going to happen here. You are running a high risk of coming out second best here. The only good thing from your update is that he has found a new girlfriend and won't be as interested in you.

    Have you had any luck expanding your social circle? It's not healthy to be orbiting in the same circle as him.


  • #38
    Exaspo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Exaspo


    Yes, I have established some friendships, new hobbies and have also become quite content in my own company.

    But this flood of emotion grips me at times and I want justice. I want back the person who I was. I feel like she was stifled and sometimes I feel lost and overwhelmed.

    I wish I could change the past and make myself walk away sooner. I realize how lacking in self respect I must have been and I spiral more deeply into shame.


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