Emptiness after breakup with abuser

Exaspo

Six months ago my relationship broke down due to a drunken infidelity. I have posted before about my ex boyfriends alcohol issues.

With time and reflection I have come to see him as having narcissistic elements. He was verbally abusive to me alot and abandoned me numerous times throughout the relationship. I was repeatedly blamed for all his problems in life despite always trying to make him happy. His nastiest statements were while drink but I don't think this should excuse it. Sober, he was highly critical, disinterested in intimacy and Jekyl and Hyde .

Despite blocking him in everything he has found a way to ask me for another chance. I refused. I need to let my head rule this one and the reality is that I am far less anxious without his moods dictating my life.

The problem is, I have this ongoing cloud of sadness hanging over me. I can't get excited or happy about anything. The love I experienced for him was sudden, strong and pure. I hadn't loved like this before. The repeated ways he threw it back at me haunting me, I constantly read self help and analyse memories. I feel no excitement for my future, just a hollow pit of despair. One part of me wishes I could forgive him and go back to his arms, but I forsee more pain of I do . Some friends have threatened to block me if I do get back with him.

Is this it now? I'm this shell of a person forever?

Mr. Incognito

You appear to have been in an abusive relationship and this reaction is normal

You should go for Counselling to work through these issues.

Sardonicat

Well done you on blocking him and refusing his request for another chance.

Could he have been love bombing you at the start and could that explain the "suddenness " and "purity " of your feelings for him. If you think he could be a narcissist be aware that is something they often do, especially if they are charismatic.

The emptiness you feel could be down to a lot of things. Emotional burn out from a volatile relationship, grieving for the relationship you wish you had, the one that co responded with those intense feelings you experienced at the start. It could be a trauma response even. The best thing to do is seek counselling from a therapist experienced in this area. With time you will start to feel a whole array of emotions and most likely will need support and guidance going through that.

And no, this is not it. You will recover yourself again but NOT if you go back to him. You've been really brave and done something really difficult. Reach out for some support now.

All the best

Idle Passerby

This won't be your life forever, it will improve. Leaving a toxic relationship can bring a very mixed bag of feelings. Even when the situation was bad and being out of it is a good thing it can still be disorientating. The process of leaving takes a lot of guts and fortitude but adjusting to not being in it is a hard slog too just in different ways. Life improves gradually but it does improve and you'll eventually look back and be delighted you made the choice to leave.

zoobizoo

Exaspo wrote: »

. The love I experienced for him was sudden, strong and pure. I hadn't loved like this before.

It may have been many things but this wasn't love.

zapper55

Just because it was an abusive relationship it doesn't mean that she didnt love him.

Porklife

zapper55 wrote: »

Just because it was an abusive relationship it doesn't mean that she didnt love him.

Is it love if its unrecipricated? Love in the true sense I mean. Obviously you can love someone who doesn't feel the same way but is that truly love? I don't think it is but I'm sure for others it differs.

Mongfinder General

**** that guy. He was an asshole to you. I'd have danced down the street knowing that he was out of my life. Don't ever tolerate people in your life that just exhaust you.

December2012

Are you a pleaser OP?

Do you generally put yourself last?

That person sounds like a horrible, abusive, emotionally stunted creep.

This person has not changed, and will not change for you or with you.

Keep away while you still can. Work on yourself, keep busy, do therapy, see friends. Heal yourself and build yourself back up.

There is plenty of love in the world, start with you. You will then, in time, find somebody who loves you like you love them

LegacyUser

OP I've been there, relationship with an abusive narcissist. The pain, confusion, cognitive dissonance and grief in the aftermath of a breakup are overwhelming, I felt like I was drowning. I loved him for a long time even though he treated me terribly, and I felt so ashamed of missing him despite knowing he was a horrible person.

How you feel is completely normal. The cycle of abuse acts like a real addiction, abusers basically train you to be addicted to the periods of relief when they are good to you. Look up the terms 'cycle of abuse' and 'intermittent reinforcement' and you will get more information. So essentially you're going through a type of withdrawal, which adds to the pain of betrayal, abuse and heartache. You can often feel it physically, it's so hurtful. It's part of why it's so hard to leave an abusive relationship and it can take a long time to heal.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you this wasn't real love. What you felt, and what he built up in you at the start, was as real as any other emotion you've ever had. Your mind and body experienced this as real love, and you're dealing with the loss of that as well as the loss of the future you thought you'd have. How you feel now, the devastation and grief, they are very real. You're facing the fact that he's not who you thought he was, and it's extremely difficult to hang on to the reality of just how awful he was to you. This is a complicated grief, it's going to take you some time to heal and get your head around the reality of it all.

Some advice to help you to move past this:

- Allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to grieve and miss who you thought he was. If you bottle it up and deny yourself the chance to feel it, it will only take longer to resolve. So dive into it, and work your way through it. But know that no matter how much you miss him, you cannot go back there. He will never change, you have to be strong in holding on to that.

- Find a therapist and work with them. One who has experience of dealing with victims of abuse will be best able to help you. In therapy you can talk through everything without fear of judgement. It will help you to let go of the grief and hold on to the reality of who he really is.

- Have a support group who allow you to experience all of this fully. People you can confide in that you miss him even though he was awful, and won't judge you for that. People who will help you to stay strong when you feel weak, who you can text instead of texting him. People who will just let you feel how you feel.

- Read up on narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, and talk to other people who understand what you've gone through. On reddit there's a sub called NarcissisticAbuse, it's full of other supportive survivors, they also have subs to discuss abuse in general. There are plenty of Facebook support groups. There's a few books you should read: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, When Love Hurts by Jill Corey, and The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. There are lots of books about narcissism too, extremely helpful to help you understand what you went through. There's a book called The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver that you may also like, it's about working your way healthily through heartbreak.

- Fill your life with lots of self care. Do the things that make you feel good. Go out for walks in nature. Get some exercise in (it will help boost your mood). Meditate, go to a yoga class, read up on mindfulness. Book yourself a spa day. Basically arm yourself with a load of gentle self care aimed at boosting your mood and being kind to yourself.

- Get a calendar and mark off each day of no contact with him, a visual reminder will help you to stay strong when he tries to get you to talk to him. If you need to, go talk to the guards about harassment if he will not leave you alone, use every tool you can get. Narcissists are notorious for trying to get you to break no contact, don't give in to it, you will only regret it.

OP I really feel for you going through this. But it is possible to feel better, you will get there, just have patience with yourself. Six months is still a very short period of time, it took me the guts of two years to heal. Take your time, there's no rush, you'll find that peace again and you'll feel okay again x

fifi_gal

beentheretoo wrote: »

OP I've been there, relationship with an abusive narcissist. The pain, confusion, cognitive dissonance and grief in the aftermath of a breakup are overwhelming, I felt like I was drowning. I loved him for a long time even though he treated me terribly, and I felt so ashamed of missing him despite knowing he was a horrible person.

This. All of this. It's been two and a half years since I managed to get out of a relationship with an abusive narcissist. The control, the manipulation, the loss of self - it all takes time to get over. The one thing I've struggled with most is trusting new partners and feeling afraid to let go around them or speak my mind because I expect them to launch into a tirade of abuse. Also the shame aspect because with some time and distance the sheer volume of things that you put up with becomes clear and you wonder how you allowed yourself to be manipulated so much. But you absolutely must realise that it was not your fault. None of it. These people target kind, empathetic people and gain their power from breaking them down.

So while I do still struggle, I am miles away from the heartbroken shell I was two and a half years ago. This is how they get to you - convince you that you are nothing and can't live without them. But you can and you will. One day you will feel like you can breathe again and realise that you are free. It's a long and tough road but you will get there. beentheretoo has given some great advice. Focus on yourself and building yourself back up. Keep busy and connect with friends and family. My heart goes out to you but it will get better OP, I promise xx

forgodssake

The two posts above my own here are all the advice you need OP .

Sephiroth_dude

He made your life miserable, do not get back with him, get yourself into counselling asap if you haven't already, your friends ultimatum was because they don't want you to go back to that place again, he will never change, counselling can make you stronger and move forward.

LegacyUser

Exaspo wrote: »

Is this it now? I'm this shell of a person forever?

No, you are not a shell of a person forever. You are not a shell of a person now either although it might feel that way. He probably is though.

The longer you stay away and get a clearer head, the more you will see that.

You will get back to yourself.

The excitement and the highs in a toxic relationship are fake. They feel like highs because there are so many low lows. You will get back to yourself op and you will feel better as long as you stay away xx

Exaspo

Some wonderful advice was offered up here.

Sadly I met him again. We live overseas and considered him family due to this. My resolve was weakened and we met. We talked about the future. He wrote me a series of essays to apologise and had it bound. He talked about us reconciling and moving somewhere new.

I asked him about rumours I'd heard that he'd been all over women half his age at an event where we had mutual friends. He said he did nothing wrong and while that's true it doesn't marry up with this person trying to get me back.

I sent him a long message saying he was messing with my mind and saying he doesn't understand the pain he's caused. Insult to injury he says it's best for me if we don't talk and that while I don't like the fact he kissed another woman since our break up, it's not abuse. This feels like gaslighting because a) I didn't know he had kissed anyone and b) never said it was abuse to move on but called him out for leading me on as he does so.

I feel rotten. I brought this new spate of hopelessness on myself. He warps the narrative everytime and I go through feeling anger, then pity for his inability to cope with the truth.

I've blocked him on everything and will see a counselor this week. I overlooked the advice given here, and from friends and the shame this creates makes me feel like sh*t.

Who was I with for the past few years? A demon with a mask?

So so low.

Ursus Horribilis

I read through your update with a growing sense of dread. Thankfully it never go to the bit where you said you'd decided to get back together again. I think you're being very hard on yourself here. Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard and many people end up going back. I've read (including this article) that on average it can take a woman seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. It was on the cards that your resolve would weaken. You're abroad and away from your family and support network at home. He's a part of your social network where you are now so it's hard to get away from him. Given what you described in your first post, you definitely need to work on yourself to get over what he did to you.

I see hope in your latest update even though the journey to the current state of affairs has had bumps in it. As things stand right now, you've blocked him on everything. You're going to see a counsellor this week. Most importantly, you have obviously read up about these sorts of relationships and you are asking questions. Maybe you'll find your own answer to that Demon with a Mask question. I hope so.

Muckka

I've been the recipient of dealing with a Narcissist.

What they're really good at is Trauma Bonding.

Google trauma bonding.

It's very interesting, I had to understand it before I fully recovered.

Wishing you luck OP

Idle Passerby

Leaving an abusive relationship often doesn't happen as a standalone event. It's an ongoing thing. If the abusers sense of self is built around having you under their thumb they aren't going to just quietly accept being dumped, they'll constantly come back trying to mess with your head and get under your skin. The only solution is to remove yourself from their orbit. Stonewall him, don't ask him who he's seeing or kissed or whatever, it's not your concern anymore. If he tells you don't react. Better yet don't agree to meet or talk to him full stop.

Ursus Horribilis

That series of essays he wrote and bound reads like something out of a handbook somewhere. You're quite right to say that his actions in real life are at odds with the person who wants you back. And, I assume, the persona portrayed in those essays. You've been with him long enough to know what a relationship with him actually entails. It's not grand gestures and words in essays. It's his behaviour in everyday life.

I've found your old thread about him and it's interesting that you seem to have buried your head in the sand regarding his cheating. I hope he didn't give you that STI he contracted himself.

Exaspo

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

That series of essays he wrote and bound reads like something out of a handbook somewhere. You're quite right to say that his actions in real life are at odds with the person who wants you back. And, I assume, the persona portrayed in those essays. You've been with him long enough to know what a relationship with him actually entails. It's not grand gestures and words in essays. It's his behaviour in everyday life.

I've found your old thread about him and it's interesting that you seem to have buried your head in the sand regarding his cheating. I hope he didn't give you that STI he contracted himself.

I can assure you the trauma from this event has not been buried. We moved past it as it turned out to be a misdiagnosis. I was however stonewalled when it came to seeking explanations about how his drunkenness was leading to uncertain situations. My push for him to clarify the friends comments were met with abusive comments. Since the cheating I was tested again, and thankfully nothing. Can only hope for a relationship in the future where weekends involve long walks and lunch as opposed to humiliating visits to clinics.

Monife

While not a book specifically about narcissists, I would really recommend "Leave a cheater, Gain a life" by Chump Lady. It's a no nonsense approach to leaving a cheater and it puts the blame squarely on their shoulders (whereas other "infidelity" books sometimes reference what the betrayed could have done to cause the cheating - ridiculous imo!)

I think it will help you understand why he appears to want a second chance and help you see what it really is that he wants, he just wants the attention you provided to him before, or whatever you used to do for him.

Exaspo

After many weeks NC, our social groups crossed paths recently which led to him reaching out. Claims of missing me etc.

I felt a horrible longing to speak to him and made contact. He was angry at my silence. Made me feel guilty for it. Despite trying to have sex with me he said he doesn't know if he loves me, but thinks we need to be in contact, be friends and take care of each other.

After being reeled in for a few days I think he's full of it. at the social event he was acting rudely towards me (no one there knows we were an item). He seems to have a very close female friend there. I think perhaps he's manipulating me again because he might feel guilty or like he needs to preserve his image

I want to go NC again but I'm afraid there'll be backlash, that he'll cause me pain somehow. Annoyed at myself for getting sucked back in and being made to feel bad.

How can I stay away and be sure I stay away . I'm in counselling and reading self help but this draw feels magnetic

Ursus Horribilis

What sort of backlash do you think there'll be? Are you sure this isn't just you trying to fill that "emptiness" again?

Big Bag of Chips

You can't be friends with him. He doesn't treat you like a friend would. Would you accept this sort of carry on from a friend?

What he wants is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if he thinks you should be friends. He thinks you should be a support for each other?? Has he ever supported you in anything? Has he ever been there for you, selflessly? Or is everything he does, every bit of contact, for his benefit?

Block him. Why are your social paths crossing? Avoid him. If that means finding a new social circle, do it. You will never be free and happy for as long as he's around telling you how you should feel, and how you should react.

The advice now is the same as advice from months ago.. Move on, move away from him. Don't allow him back in. He is controlling you, and loving it. Reeling you in, just to dump you again over and over.

It will continue for as long as you allow it. He's not going to change. Why would he?

LegacyUser

You said he reached out to you. How did he do that? You had mentioned in other posts about blocking him, did you unblock him? If so, why? Did you have any idea he was going to be at this recent event?

Stop allowing this man back into your life. Block him and keep him blocked. Don't go to events where you think he will be. Don't answer your front door if he calls etc.

He will NEVER change!! And you are going to ruin your life if you don't cop on a small bit.

Also, who gives a f*ck if he's angry at your silence. He's a horrible human being and his opinion should mean jack sh*t.

I would suggest you sit down with your therapist and try to get to the root of why, knowing the kind of man he is, you keep allowing him to control you.

Ursus Horribilis

When are you seeing your therapist again? Can you talk to them over the phone in the meantime?

I can only hope against hope that you've gained some insight into how vulnerable you are and how you have to take steps to protect yourself. It's telling that you only "think" that this man is full of it. Everyone else here can see him for what he is. And let's be honest here, your fear of going No Contact with him again isn't because of some perceived backlash. It's that you'll be cutting the cord again with this person who has a hold over you.

Exaspo

You're probably right Ursus. I told him to leave me alone today and felt full of anxiety doing so. I offloaded on a friend that I was afraid what he would do but she pointed out that it's probably the repeated confrontational factor of our 'contact reunions' that are causing me to feel sick.

He essentially told me he isn't sure he won't abuse me again but we need to try take care of each other now. This fills me with dread and when he contacted me via work I told him as much. He was angrily challenging why I would say this on a work email when it can be seen and I apologised and just blocked him.

I felt this immense guilt and realise these feelings run deeper. How can someone who cares so little force me to care to the point of anxiety?

I will see her this week.

tara73

Exaspo wrote: »

He essentially told me he isn't sure he won't abuse me again but we need to try take care of each other now.

this sentence takes the biscuit and makes my blood boil because it breaks down in a nutshell what he's doing. it's the ultimate manipulation and he doesn't even has to hide it at all anymore to you.
He knows he can mess with your head just as he wants to. To keep you in line he adds this BS of him taking also care of you.

He's essentially telling you he will mess you up again but also he will take care of you becaus that's what his behaviour is for you. His 'taking care of you' equals him abusing you.

If I would believe in prayers I would pray for you that you'll find a way of getting out of this sh**. But you can do it, everybody can, you will need all the power you have, but believe in yourself and everything is possible. Keep going to your counciller if you feel she's helping you, you don't have to do it or even can't do it alone.

Also great there are still some friends who are supportive. Try to keep them to your support, good friends are so important in such circumstances.

Ursus Horribilis

That taking care of each other comment must have resonated with you because you've mentioned it twice now. It jumped out at me first time I read it because it was like something from an A-Z Manipulator's Handbook. It's creepy as hell and I don't think you can see it.

You're going to have to take responsibility for your "addiction" to this man, instead of simply questioning why you're giving him space in your head. We've established that you just can't stay away from him, he wrecks your head and he brings a heady mixture of elation and misery to your life. Unless you take firm action now, you are going to get sucked back in.

Maybe it's time to change counsellor if you're not getting anywhere with this one?

wiggle16

Exaspo wrote: »

You're probably right Ursus.

No, Ursus is definitely right.

I have every sympathy for you but you really, really need to listen to what everyone here is telling you and cut contact permanently with this person, for good.

There is a link to Women's Aid in the forum charter. Have you tried contacting them? I really think you should if you have not done so already. They may be able to direct you to resources to help you keep this man out of your life and stick with it. You cannot keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to be any different this time, next time, the time after that....

He is not going to change, OP.

Ursus Horribilis

This might be a crappy analogy but bear with me. Let's pretend you were an alcoholic on the road to recovery. You wouldn't spend your time wondering why vodka and you are a disaster, or what you could do to it to allow you to handle it. You'd be working on the basis that you can't drink vodka or have it in your life. You'd take steps to avoid being tempted by it. It might entail changing your shopping patterns, keeping busy until it's too late to nip out to buy alcohol, taking up new hobbies, not socialising with drinking buddies etc. In other words, you'd be taking practical steps to ensure that you don't lapse and start drinking again. You know what your enemy is and you respect it and keep it out of your life.

As everyone has said, you can't change this guy. He has told you repeatedly what he is but you won't listen. He's vodka and you're an alcoholic.

Neyite

Unless you cut him out of your life entirely you'll never move on from him. He drops in casually every couple of months or weeks because he knows it brings you almost back to square one again. It's not because he's feelings for you, but because you might be handy as a fallback option in the future for him. I doubt he would even consider your feelings.



Stop letting him pick open the scab or you'll never heal.



"He's vodka and you're an alcoholic". As usual, Ursus has nailed it. This should be your mantra.

Exaspo

Not a bad mantra at all.

I'm let down by my weakness and p*ssed at his minimisation.

I'm not sure if I mentioned before that we are overseas and he effectively ostracized me from two communities, the Irish one and one related to our hobbies.

This has been very isolating and I started to think it was my fault for removing myself. I wish that he'd given me the freedom to go to events and not show up for a few weeks while I grappled with the end and his betrayal.

At this point, he's probably pinned god knows what to me and I'll need to actively remain away from these shared settings. I've received some coldness from people in these settings. Lost some mutual acquaintances.

I feel like everyone thinks he's great water, while I know he's sh*te vodka.

I need to remain removed I think, this trying to establish links is what set off his breadcrumbs.

Neyite

My nasty ex did a lot of damage to friendship groups on me. Even some of my own work colleagues. It hurt massively at the time but I looked up old friends, changed where I socialised, took up a new hobby and before I knew it, I had my own friends that had no connection to him. It was great really. In time I found that people gradually started to see the real him anyway.



But it is hard in the beginning - especially if you are abroad in a smaller community. But see if you can see new hobby groups you might like or get involved in some local volunteering if that might be an option to keep busy and away from your usual haunts for a while.

Exaspo

OP again. I have successfully maintained no contact. During NC I feel far better in my skin and can actually process my feelings. Unfortunately one of these feelings is anger.

In one shared group he has shown off images indicating a new relationship. I left the group chat.

I am now strongly compelled to expose his disgusting behaviour in another shared group where I have had to drop this hobbie and he wears the fake Mr. Nice guy mask.

I have written what I'd say but such an action goes against my fiercely private personality. But he deserves exposure. It's not fair.

Sardonicat

OP, well done on maintaining your resolve.

Under no circumstances should you try to expose this man 8n the way you are considering, however understandable your desire to do so is. This will backfire on your spectacularly and it will continue your connection to him.

Now that your ability to emote has returned perhaps it is the right time to consider some counselling to help you deal with your feelings in a way that won't be self destructive .

People like your ex are chameleons and master manipulators. But they don't fool all of the people all of the time. He will eventually expose himself and move on to his next unsuspecting victims. The ultimate goal for you is to be at a point in your life where you don't care where he is or who he's fooling. You are on the right track now. Stay strong. What you're feeling now is perfectly normal but very hard to deal with. Please consider getting help working through it.

Ursus Horribilis

All that exposing him will achieve is make you look like the crazy ex. People don't like to get caught up in the crossfire of a warring couple. That's what is going to happen here. You are running a high risk of coming out second best here. The only good thing from your update is that he has found a new girlfriend and won't be as interested in you.

Have you had any luck expanding your social circle? It's not healthy to be orbiting in the same circle as him.

Exaspo

Yes, I have established some friendships, new hobbies and have also become quite content in my own company.

But this flood of emotion grips me at times and I want justice. I want back the person who I was. I feel like she was stifled and sometimes I feel lost and overwhelmed.

I wish I could change the past and make myself walk away sooner. I realize how lacking in self respect I must have been and I spiral more deeply into shame.