What's the etiquette here??

Voodoomelon · 30-04-2019 08:03PM

Has anyone else perfected the "pull and throw" technique on exiting the public conveniences?

My procedure it to wash my hands, pressing in on those wretched push taps with me elbows. Then over to the disposable hand towels, pull out three plys to dry my hands and the gorilla hair on the back of them, plus one for the door. I grab the door handle with the forth towel, pull it open and release, allowing its momentum to carry it fully open, all the while gracefully spinning around in slow motion and lobbing the towel across the room and into the bin in one fell swoop.

Not a trace of Franks or Pats bum stew on my hands.

Brendan Bendar · 30-04-2019 10:14PM

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Has anyone else perfected the "pull and throw" technique on exiting the public conveniences?

My procedure it to wash my hands, pressing in on those wretched push taps with me elbows. Then over to the disposable hand towels, pull out three plys to dry my hands and the gorilla hair on the back of them, plus one for the door. I grab the door handle with the forth towel, pull it open and release, allowing its momentum to carry it fully open, all the while gracefully spinning around in slow motion and lobbing the towel across the room and into the bin in one fell swoop.

Not a trace of Franks or Pats bum stew on my hands.

Those hand towels are history now Melon

Last time I saw one was in the shítters beside the Sydney Opera Hse. in the middle of the floor with a shiny coiled turd sitting in the middle of it.

Some dirty bassa must have backed one out during an intermission..

EmmetSpiceland · 30-04-2019 10:23PM

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Has anyone else perfected the "pull and throw" technique on exiting the public conveniences?

My procedure it to wash my hands, pressing in on those wretched push taps with me elbows. Then over to the disposable hand towels, pull out three plys to dry my hands and the gorilla hair on the back of them, plus one for the door. I grab the door handle with the forth towel, pull it open and release, allowing its momentum to carry it fully open, all the while gracefully spinning around in slow motion and lobbing the towel across the room and into the bin in one fell swoop.

Not a trace of Franks or Pats bum stew on my hands.

That’s a bit extreme for me, V. Wash and dry your hands, then just open the door and get out. If you’re squeamish I suggest carrying a antibacterial gel and using it on your hands once you’re out.

You don’t store your own urine in jars at home, do you? That’s when you know you’re going far too far.

Doctors room ghost · 30-04-2019 10:40PM

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Those hand towels are history now Melon

Last time I saw one was in the shítters beside the Sydney Opera Hse. in the middle of the floor with a shiny coiled turd sitting in the middle of it.

Some dirty bassa must have backed one out during an intermission..

It’s funny you mention them toilets at Sydney opera house. I ran in there one time busting for a dump and with the turtle neck sticking out and the toilets were a fcukin tip.
Had to hover and bomb from a height.splashback from said bombers was cruel.nearly drowned.
No paper for tidying after so had to goose step for the rest of the day and ditch the jocks come evening.

padd b1975 · 30-04-2019 10:47PM

ArrBee wrote: »

Hang on...
one moment the advice is to always carry a sturdy plastic bag, now its to carry a coat hanger?
Next it will be to just carry your own throne around....

Turn the plastic bag inside out and handball the fooker out of harm's way.

Job done.

Coat hangers.... Jesus Christ almighty!!

Borderfox · 30-04-2019 10:48PM

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

It’s funny you mention them toilets at Sydney opera house. I ran in there one time busting for a dump and with the turtle neck sticking out and the toilets were a fcukin tip.
Had to hover and bomb from a height.splashback from said bombers was cruel.nearly drowned.
No paper for tidying after so had to goose step for the rest of the day and ditch the jocks come evening.

Priceless, beautiful use of the English language

EmmetSpiceland · 30-04-2019 10:56PM

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

No paper for tidying after so had to goose step for the rest of the day and ditch the jocks come evening.

You lasted all day without cleaning your arse?! Jesus you must have an awful itch down under.

padd b1975 · 30-04-2019 10:59PM

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You lasted all day without cleaning your arse?! Jesus you must have an awful itch down under.

In Australia too, I hope for his sake he wasn't wearing any man-made fibres.

Doctors room ghost · 30-04-2019 11:05PM

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You lasted all day without cleaning your arse?! Jesus you must have an awful itch down under.

It was a rough day.was on a sightseeing day out with the wife and another group and got caught short as they say.woke up that morning and gave the bomb doors every chance to tidy shop before leaving for the day but nothing stirring and all of a sudden came alive at the opera house.
The jacks were underneath a walkway under the opera house. The heat and the state that the jacks were in made a stench that will haunt me forever and that’s before I left my own mark on the place.
The gander steps for the rest of the day and showered come evening.
Any time I see the Sydney opera house or harbor bridge on tv now I do get the Vietnam flashbacks

Hotblack Desiato · 01-05-2019 02:58AM

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Then over to the disposable hand towels, pull out three plys to dry my hands and the gorilla hair on the back of them, plus one for the door.

Very Howard Hughes. Now he was a fella who really did know his sh1t.

stefanovich · 01-05-2019 06:01AM

Borderfox wrote: »

Priceless, beautiful use of the English language

He should be a writer for Viz.

ILoveYourVibes · 01-05-2019 06:56AM

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I had to open my business today for a few hours, and asked one of the lads to come in and give me a hand. I was out last night watching the Liverpool game, and I've a stage 6 hangover as a result.

Anways, it got to about half 10 and I felt my 'sheriff's badge' starting to twitch. Headed into the jacks and dropped a serious anchor into Brown Water Bay. I was sitting there afterwards on my phone when what do I hear but the jacks door opening, and someone heading into the stall beside mine. Down go the trousers, a slight groan, a string of watery farts, and then a noise that sounded like a box of old boots being thrown out of an attic. A smaller fart to finish up, and a deep exhalation of breath. :eek:

I was shocked, and very angry. Am I overreacting, or should the fúcker have waited until I had finished using the boombox before he decided to go and pinch one out? He's an Eastern European, so don't know if they have different cultural norms. I didn't say a word to him for the rest of the morning, and am in a shocker of a mood since. :mad:

He did all this without so much as an introduction first? My God!

The protocol is clearly to say 'Good Morning Sir' , 'My name is -- Pleasure to meet you' then offer your hand under the stall for a handshake. Then talk about the weather as he does what nature commands.

partyguinness · 01-05-2019 02:36PM

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Oh dear, another amateur....lookit if it was a posh hotel it undoubtably had a kettle and one or two cups on a little table.

You use the cups to ‘decant ‘ the sludge or to corral the‘ barrack buster ‘which can be can then be released into what will definitely be there .....a wastebin with a plastic bag liner.

This can be disposed of later creatively

Now next thing is the cups, simply dispose out the window or if that’s not possible into a bag for disposal later.

Then down to brekkie, slip two coffee cups into the bag...back to the room..bang bang all sorted.

No kettle. An Nespresso machine thingy.

I wasn't in a position to leave the bathroom without drawing undue attention to my predicament which was my ultimate aim.

Brendan Bendar · 01-05-2019 02:49PM

partyguinness wrote: »

No kettle. An Nespresso machine thingy.

I wasn't in a position to leave the bathroom without drawing undue attention to my predicament which was my ultimate aim.

I never put the kettle into the problem Party.

The fcuking cups.... cups.... they were the players.

Decant the load into the bin, pull the bag out, hoy it over the wall, dispose of it creatively, horse it into an unattended bin in the corridor, get rid of the fcuker.

Getting a bit annoyed here....

partyguinness · 01-05-2019 03:02PM

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I never put the kettle into the problem Party.

The fcuking cups.... cups.... they were the players.

Decant the load into the bin, pull the bag out, hoy it over the wall, dispose of it creatively, horse it into an unattended bin in the corridor, get rid of the fcuker.

Getting a bit annoyed here....

There were a few of those teeny tiny espresso cups. Now if you think I am going to unleash into one of those...think again.

I couldn't even fit by balls into one cup let alone two days worth of arse juice. You don't have to think about it too long to know what a mess that would turn into.

Using the actual toilet is my preferred default option

Brendan Bendar · 01-05-2019 03:07PM

partyguinness wrote: »

There were a few of those teeny tiny espresso cups. Now if you think I am going to unleash into one of those...think again.

I couldn't even fit by balls into one cup let alone two days worth of arse juice. You don't have to think about it too long to know what a mess that would turn into.

Using the actual toilet is my preferred deferred option

Don’t go to that fcuking establishment again is all I can say.

Daithi101 · 01-05-2019 03:10PM

So if your an android phone user there is a function called "nearby". Basically interacts with apps on your phone.

Now some genius was obviously reading this thread as there is also an app called "TripToilet" which will show you all nearby toilet and also has them rated. Havent yet tested it for Irish facilities.

Could come in handy for some of ye lads, especially given the recent talk of "Lidl" bags etc.

At least you will be able to avail of some decent porcelain to drop a load inand not sh!tting in bags on the side of the road.

EmmetSpiceland · 01-05-2019 03:10PM

partyguinness wrote: »

There were a few of those teeny tiny espresso cups. Now if you think I am going to unleash into one of those...think again.

I couldn't even fit by balls into one cup let alone two days worth of arse juice. You don't have to think about it too long to know what a mess that would turn into.

Using the actual toilet is my preferred deferred option

Could you have gotten it into the shower? Then you could just “toe” it down the hole.

Brendan Bendar · 01-05-2019 03:14PM

Daithi101 wrote: »

So if your an android phone user there is a function called "nearby". Basically interacts with apps on your phone.

Now some genius was obviously reading this thread as there is also an app called "TripToilet" which will show you all nearby toilet and also has them rated. Havent yet tested it for Irish facilities.

Could come in handy for some of ye lads, especially given the recent talk of "Lidl" bags etc.

At least you will be able to avail of some decent porcelain to drop a load inand not sh!tting in bags on the side of the road.

Try that on the road between Rusape and Mutare...

Daithi101 · 01-05-2019 03:18PM

Brendan Bendar wrote:

Try that on the road between Rusape and Mutare...

Well I suppose exceptionally situations call for exceptionally circustances.

But I suppose it is always better to prepared then caught short.

RollieFingers · 01-05-2019 03:24PM

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Could you have gotten it into the shower? Then you could just “toe” it down the hole.

Jaysus Emmet, that's a bit of a nuclear option, don't know if I'd fancy 'toeing' it. Needs must though of course.

JohnnyFlash · 01-05-2019 03:35PM

Daithi101 wrote: »

Well I suppose exceptionally situations call for exceptionally circustances.

But I suppose it is always better to prepared then caught short.

Everyone gets caught short from time to time. It’s just a part of being human. You could set your pocket watch to my bowel movements most of the time, but other times you think you’ve emptied the chamber only to find yourself urgently trying to find a boombox to empty the shrapnel into.

A Lidl bag is far better than filling your slacks or jorts with thick gouts of hot and sour midden.

EmmetSpiceland · 01-05-2019 03:39PM

Daithi101 wrote: »

Now some genius was obviously reading this thread as there is also an app called "TripToilet" which will show you all nearby toilet and also has them rated. Havent yet tested it for Irish facilities.

Well, I, for one, will be giving every perfect facility a terrible review.

I certainly don’t want any of the animals you get in work shítting all over the seat and smearing used toilet paper on the walls. Then there’s the snot stickers, another clear “toilet foul”.

Utter Consternation · 01-05-2019 03:47PM

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Getting a bit annoyed here....

You sound a bit bound up there Brenner.

Relax 'bro.'

JohnnyFlash · 01-05-2019 03:51PM

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You sound a bit bound up there Brenner.

Relax 'bro.'

A diet of pork scratchings and microwaveable cheeseburgers will do that to a fella. He must have a serious dose of ‘Johnny Giles’ as well.

Brendan Bendar · 01-05-2019 03:59PM

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You sound a bit bound up there Brenner.

Relax 'bro.'

Fair point..... got a bit hot around the rim.

Soz lads....

Utter Consternation · 01-05-2019 04:07PM

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Fair point..... got a bit hot around the rim.

Soz lads....

Very easy get caught up in the moment. It is a very contentious issue after all.

A class act Brenner, no need for the show of humility.

EmmetSpiceland · 01-05-2019 04:44PM

Speaking of humility, I just had quite a humbling experience. Stepped out of the lift and into an adjoining corridor, no one around so I let out a real trumpeting fart.

Was a little too casual with the cut off, a bit more choke and she would have started, if you catch my drift.

I actually did a quick scuttle into the jacks and tested the area with some bog roll, just in case. All clear but it really did bring me down to earth.

Be carful out there lads, and lassies.

Utter Consternation · 01-05-2019 04:46PM

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Speaking of humility, I just had quite a humbling experience. Stepped out of the lift and into an adjoining corridor, no one around so I let out a real trumpeting fart.

Was a little to casual with the cut off, a bit more choke and she would have started, if you catch my drift.

I actually did a quick scuttle into the jacks and tested the area with some bog roll, just in case. All clear but it really did bring me down to earth.

Be carful out there lads, and lassies.

You played fart roulette and won. Some people are not so lucky.

JohnnyFlash · 01-05-2019 04:59PM

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You played fart roulette and won. Some people are not so lucky.

The gamble

What's the etiquette here??

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