Major red flags or do I just need to have hard limits and discuss boundaries?

ginandtonicsky · 02-04-2019 03:54PM

Amitoovanilla? wrote: »

Background: OK, this is all a bit whirlwindish,

Whilst we haven't met in person, yet, we've been talking pretty each non-stop all day, every day, staying up until the early hours of the morning, and long, long phone calls, our first one was over 4 hours long.

we live in different countries and I've had work commitments.

Early on it became obvious that he was into a bit of kink, fine, no judgement there on my behalf.

However, gradually the sexy time chat has started back up again (I've been guilty as charged too) but what's really disconcerting me is when he talks of "punishments" at first I thought it would be light spanking, northing too hardcore, but now he's been dropping hints of talk such as choking with a leather belt, hard spankings, gagging me with my soiled underwear and at last, the final straw for me, talk of beating me across my breasts with a leather belt.

I'm going to say it to him tonight that I find all of this very off-putting and disrespectful, but how do I say it without causing drama or making it into a big deal?

I know that plenty of people enjoy some healthy BDSM in their lives. I'm just not sure that I'm cut out for it or that it's meant for me.

What's your relationship history like OP? Have you had many relationships and were they healthy, happy ones where you felt cherished and respected? Have you attracted a certain type in the past?

Reason I ask is because your post is full of behaviours on your part where you failed to establish healthy boundaries with an online stranger. This is usually a pattern of behaviour that plays out in someone's life in the relationships they have and emanates from a low sense of self-esteem.

Talking non stop for hours on end late into the night with an online stranger is not healthy behaviour. Allowing things to escalate sexually and into uncomfortable territory for you when you've not even met someone is not healthy behaviour. Planning to spend the night with a stranger from another country particularly after this unsettling sexual talk is not healthy behaviour. Feeling something is "off" and yet letting it continue because someone throws a few meaningless words your way and then reverts to form is NOT healthy behaviour.

What do you want from a man / relationship? Focus on that. Be firm, direct and clear in your communication.

Tell this man: I am not comfortable being talked to like this and will not be meeting you next week. Or: the hardcore sexual chat is unsettling to me. I will meet you for a coffee but am only free for an hour. Any more sexual talk and you won't hear from me again. Then size him up in person. If the hardcore stuff starts up again, cut him off with no further explanation.

That's how you set healthy boundaries. I'd never let a man talk to me the way you have this one. Think about your own behaviours here. You say things like "the sexy chat started again", as if you have no say in the matter and just have to go along with it. If I set a boundary of "stop talking to me like that" and someone started again, that's when I walk away. You really have to be aware of how your behaviour can attract these unhealthy situations for you and breed abusive interpersonal relationships.

If indeed this is a pattern for you, I would suggest counselling to build your self-esteem and develop healthier behaviours.

Emme · 02-04-2019 05:44PM

OP please don't meet this guy - I'll call him CreepyDom. If you want to explore kink and fetish you would be better to do it in a supervised group setting and even go to what's called a munch before doing anything. You'll get good advice from people in the scene there. They are very strict on consent and on what's acceptable behaviour.

DO NOT MEET THIS GUY.

Don't entertain him any more online. Going to another country where you know nobody to spend a night with a guy who is creepy is lunacy. Your gut is screaming NO - listen to it!

LegacyUser · 22-04-2019 11:04AM

Op here.

Thanks to all who replied previously.

I took all of your concerns and viewpoints to heart and considered them in detail. Had I been the unbiased outsider, I would have been advising similar myself if someone else had come along with the same quandary.

I just wanted to provide a quick update, as I know myself it's always nice to hear how things panned out, especially when so many of you went to the effort of replying.

Well, I did end up going to see him in the end, and ended up staying 5 days.

I'm pleased to say that everything went great, he was a perfect gentleman throughout and we had a really amazing time together.

I think we're both pretty smitten by each other now and all that's left is trying to navigate how to manage the long distance thing.

Things have been going really well since I got home so I'm glad that I went ahead and listened to my gut and took a chance on going to see him.

He couldn't have been nicer or taken better care of me, and the spark we had online was every bit as much there in person, if not more so, and we just clicked.

Whilst, it could very well have gone the opposite way, I'm really happy that I seized the opportunity as it all worked out really well and I'm looking forward to seeing where all of this leads to.

tara73 · 23-04-2019 10:56AM

OP, alright, sounds like a fairy tale then and him miracously changing directions and respecting your limits with no attempts to beating your breasts with a leatherbelt as stated in your first post?

I find it very, very important to mention for all other women who might find themselves in a situation like the OP described in her first post, reading this update, that all the advice given here is very, very valid.

Beeing very, very cautious and to not meet somebody with demands like this guy!

....... · 23-04-2019 11:04AM

Im a little confused as to why you came and asked for advice, then ignored all of the unanimous advice given and took the risk anyway?

Im not suggesting that you are obliged to take the advice you receive, but I cant understand why anyone would ignore the advice given in this thread which was exceptionally unusual in that it was more or less the same from everyone.

For the record. I still feel like this is a dangerous situation and would not advise you to continue - given what you have posted on this thread. This person could easily still be trying to manipulate you into a dangerous situation.

However, perhaps you have not given the full story. Certainly, there is some unknown at play given you decided to go meet him despite major red flags.

Perhaps seeing only one spin on this story is what united every other contributor to the thread in their advice to steer clear.

I think your own behaviour has many red flags. Too over invested, very dramatic about possible disrespect, then from that into a fairytale. Its just not a good basis for a relationship to be on the drama coach from the beginning like this. Plus from what you have posted you will never be sexually compatible - so whats the point?

Hoboo · 23-04-2019 11:08AM

A clear case of adult grooming.

Church on Tuesday · 23-04-2019 01:13PM

....... wrote: »

Im a little confused as to why you came and asked for advice, then ignored all of the unanimous advice given and took the risk anyway?

Im not suggesting that you are obliged to take the advice you receive, but I cant understand why anyone would ignore the advice given in this thread which was exceptionally unusual in that it was more or less the same from everyone.

For the record. I still feel like this is a dangerous situation and would not advise you to continue - given what you have posted on this thread. This person could easily still be trying to manipulate you into a dangerous situation.

However, perhaps you have not given the full story. Certainly, there is some unknown at play given you decided to go meet him despite major red flags.

Perhaps seeing only one spin on this story is what united every other contributor to the thread in their advice to steer clear.

I think your own behaviour has many red flags. Too over invested, very dramatic about possible disrespect, then from that into a fairytale. Its just not a good basis for a relationship to be on the drama coach from the beginning like this. Plus from what you have posted you will never be sexually compatible - so whats the point?

I'm not.

This is infatuation 101.

Not trying to be nasty to you OP or anything but as another poster here has mentioned, you are being groomed.

He's obviously going to be the perfect gentleman because he wants you to only see his good side. In the first 100 days of a relationship, we are only allowed to see the good sides to a person. That goes both ways BTW.

He seems to be doing a good job of it too. I've seen this before.

It's your life at the end of the day, you're an adult free to do as you wish with whomever you wish, but I would proceed with extreme caution here.

If you meet this chap again be sure to let people know where you are going and your contact details.

TheBoyConor · 23-04-2019 03:02PM

You should consider yourself lucky to be alive or not imprisoned in a room.

What you did was foolish in the extreme and that your "positive experience" is up here in public sets an extremely bad example for other girls and young women who might find themselves in similar circumstances and choose to travel on the basis of your experience.

You are very lucky. He may have just been on good behaviour to lure you into a false sense of security. Next time you travel to meet him he might not be so nice and you might end up in serious danger.

Did you at least tell some family or close friend that you were travelling and give them the location and name of the person you were visiting in case you never came home?

For goodness sake, do not even think about going back there. You don't know what is going on with him. He sounds like a sick pervert.

Mr. Incognito · 23-04-2019 03:18PM

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

Church on Tuesday · 23-04-2019 03:42PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

Yeah and there's plenty of sites out there for like minded people, don't you think this guy is being a tad intense?

....... · 23-04-2019 03:46PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

I dont think its so much an issue with his lifestyle but an issue with the fact that he has crossed boundaries and disrespected the OP during their contact.

I mean, he could be into naked hang gliding for all i care but trying to push that on someone else non consensually is an absolute no no.

ginandtonicsky · 23-04-2019 09:33PM

Amitoovanilla? wrote: »

I think we're both pretty smitten by each other now and all that's left is trying to navigate how to manage the long distance thing.

What about the sex thing? The fact that he pushed and pushed and pushed with the hardcore S&M stuff over text despite you expressing your discomfort, and reverted to form once he had thrown a few handy words your way to earn your trust back?

Did the sex stuff come up when you were under the same roof? And are you still over-and-backing night and day, staying up chatting until the early hours?

I'd be curious to hear another update in 6 months' time, as my experience with these kinds of intense-very-quickly relationships is that they run cold as quickly as they ran hot, usually once a certain means-to-an-end is met.

Emme · 23-04-2019 10:43PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

I have met people who are seriously into the lifestyle and make it their business to ensure newcomers understand what it is (and isn't) about. How to set boundaries, agree on safewords, etc. How to avoid predators. For example predators tend to operate on their own and often don't mix with others in the lifestyle. They keep their targets isolated.

OP be sure to let your friends know when and where you are meeting this guy and give them a phone number where you can be contacted.

To be honest the last reply from the OP has made me suspect the thread is a wind-up. For the sake of the OP I sincerely hope it is.

cannotlogin · 24-04-2019 12:23AM

Why did you ask for advice given you ignored all of it?

I'm struggling to understand where your head is at? It's like you have chosen to pursue something that makes absolutely no sense to pursue?

Even if he did respect your boundries and didn't come across a highly intense weirdo with unusual sexual preference, both the distance & sexual incompatilty limit the likihood of success.

Are you bored with life? Do you not know where your personal boundaries are etc? What is the attraction?

Have you ever heard the expression "there are none so blind as those who will not see"? A whole load of strangers with no vested interest can all see it for what it is! People are urging you not to put yourself in danger for a reason.

tara73 · 24-04-2019 10:05AM

why I'm so pretty sure OP will not come back with a single response like they did after their first post...

Neyite · 24-04-2019 11:13AM

Mod:
Closing this as it's as resolved as it's going to get at this stage.

Major red flags or do I just need to have hard limits and discuss boundaries?

Comments