Major red flags or do I just need to have hard limits and discuss boundaries?

LegacyUser

Background: OK, this is all a bit whirlwindish, but I met this guy online about a month ago. From day 1 we really clicked and things just moved really fast from that. Whilst we haven't met in person, yet, we've been talking pretty each non-stop all day, every day, staying up until the early hours of the morning, and long, long phone calls, our first one was over 4 hours long. Without getting into too much boring detail, he seems perfect on paper and we seem so well suited. We both seem to be as infatuated with other (yes, at this stage I do realise that it's infatuation) and the only reason we haven't met yet is because we live in different countries and I've had work commitments. But an opportunity has arisen to meet in the next week or so.

Here is where my dilemma lies. Early on it became obvious that he was into a bit of kink, fine, no judgement there on my behalf.

Pretty early on I learned that he liked to be called Daddy and as time has developed it appears that he has a thing for Good Girls or Littles. I don't know much about the DD/LG scene, but I think that I could get on board with it, even if it was only to please him, and hey, I may even end up enjoying it myself too.

We're both mid 30s so not kids. He would however be a lot more experienced than myself and had longer relationships. I would be a bit more on the introverted, shyer side, but I would be more than willing to take on a submissive role in the relationship.

We did have one minor hiccup where he sensed a coolness in me when I felt that he was sexualising things far too soon and he appeared to be genuinely horrified in case he had upset or offended me in any way. He went to pains to say that he didn't want to do or say anything that made me feel uncomfortable and that he felt bad for perhaps not showing me the respect that I deserved and that he was afraid he was sending out the wrong vibe and that he had been falling for me as a person and that the sexual side of things wasn't his main goal or purpose and that he was afraid of undermining what we had. And to be fair, he did lay off any of the sexual stuff afterwards and was nothing but respectful and kind and decent and still as keen and eager to get to know me afterwards, he didn't cool off me in any way.

However, gradually the sexy time chat has started back up again (I've been guilty as charged too) but what's really disconcerting me is when he talks of "punishments" at first I thought it would be light spanking, northing too hardcore, but now he's been dropping hints of talk such as choking with a leather belt, hard spankings, gagging me with my soiled underwear and at last, the final straw for me, talk of beating me across my breasts with a leather belt.

Now, we last spoke of meeting and I told him that I was a little uncomfortable in case he was expecting sex straight off the bat. He assured me that this wasn't the case and that there was a spare bedroom and how we could take it off the cards so to speak, straight away so I wouldn't feel under any sort of pressure and if it put me more at ease. And I was glad and thankful for that, but today's comment about the leather belt beating, its made me question and re-evaluate everything.

I haven't mentioned my discomfort and unease yet as I don't know whether this is just role play talk for him or if it's actually something that he's into. If it is what he's into, I do feel a little disrespected that he hasn't set any boundaries with me beforehand or to ensure that I'm comfortable with this line of talk. Because frankly I'm not. I feel it cheapens me and it makes me feel like a dirty whore and not in a good way either.

Whilst I would be more vanilla compared to him, I don't consider myself a prude, I'm open to trying new things and have done so in the past, but I just feel that whilst perhaps it's not a hard no from me, it does cross a line.

I'm going to say it to him tonight that I find all of this very off-putting and disrespectful, but how do I say it without causing drama or making it into a big deal? Or perhaps I should be making it into a big deal, I don't know? I don't want to be the spoil sport ruining his fun if that's his kink, but alternately I do not like being made to feel this way, and I feel its a bit soon. It has put me right off of meeting him now, which is a shame as everything else on paper is perfect.

Perhaps there isn't even any point in meeting now as we're clearly 2 very different people and perhaps we'll just always be incompatible in this regard.

I want to please him, but not at the expense of my own happiness either.

He seems very genuine and sincere in every other aspect, it's just this one issue that's turning me off completely.

I'd love to hear some opinions from some outsiders please.

Am I being too much of a prude or is he pushing the boundaries way too soon?

Are these major red flags that I shouldn't ignore? Part of me thinks yes, the other part thinks that he'll back off and drop it once he knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

Another part of me is this all the beginnings of him setting me up for some form of abuse in the future? But then again, I'll be the first to admit that I know very little of the kink / DD/LG scene so I could be jumping to conclusions. I know that plenty of people enjoy some healthy BDSM in their lives. I'm just not sure that I'm cut out for it or that it's meant for me.

cannotlogin

You are considering meeting a man you don't know in a different country and he's already told you he wants to choke you with your soiled underwear?

I'm not an introvert or vanilla but to me this has so many red flags. Like loads. Initial boundries? Excessive calls? There may not even br a physical attraction beyween you both.....appears very excessive without at least establishing that.

I don't mean to be alarmist and realise people have all sort of kinks & most of them are very normal, but this immediate reminded me of Graham Dwyer.

Also, you should never fundamentally change yourself for somone else.

Dial Hard

There are a million red flags here, tbh, and his kink is the least of them.

You are *completely* overinvested in someone you've never even met. Hours on the phone, constant contact - it's all way too intense. It's classic "magnesium flare" behaviour. That's what I call these guys, because they burn incredibly hot and fade unbelievably fast.

There is no way in hell I'd be travelling to meet this guy. Let him come to you if he's that keen. But be realistic with yourself - even if you didn't have the reservations you do about the sex, where do you honestly see this going??? You live in different countries.

I think you need to step away from the phone/computer for a while and ask yourself why you've become so invested in a complete stranger.

Addle

I'd source my own accommodation for a first meeting anyways.

LadySkunk

I have to agree with cannotlogin. Reading that I thought of Graham Dwyer too.

I certainly wouldn’t be travelling to a foreign country and staying in his house if i were you. Firstly you don’t really know him and yes people have these kinks and that’s fine but the fact he never even had the conversation with you to set boundaries says a lot. The soiled underwear suggestion is awful too if he doesn’t know how you feel about it.

Major alarm bells, your safety should be your number one priority and this whole situation sounds shady. Please look after yourself and if you do decide to meet then he has to come to you.

ginandtonicsky

What if you don’t fancy him and you’re staying a room in his house and have been excessively sexting for weeks about BDSM fantasies?

Major boundary issues here and you are as responsible as he is. How old are you? Have you been online dating for long? Most people with even a little bit of experience of the apps will know that most people they “meet” online, they don’t fancy in real life or simply don’t match their expectations in many different ways. Texting night and day and veering into risky sexting with someone you dont know and have never met is a major breach of normal, healthy behaviour - why make this stranger a major priority in your life? Why let him objectify you when you don’t even know if you are into him physically? (You can’t possibly know until you meet him)

I’ve had the long phone calls a handful of times, thought I’d met someone special only to feel bitterly disappointed in meeting and knowing within 5 minutes that we had no chemistry.

At the very least, don’t stay in his house and commit to a brief coffee date with an easy escape plan before you sign up for an evening with him.

tara73

TheSkunk wrote: »

Major alarm bells, your safety should be your number one priority and this whole situation sounds shady. Please look after yourself and if you do decide to meet then he has to come to you.

can only echo everything what's been said.

actully, this sounds horrbile and I'm actually a bit shocked there are women out there who react to this kind of stuff in the way you do, even thinking of going to the house of this man.

Do you know the story of Graham Dwyer? I know it can't be him and there is every chance this guy is not a murderer but please get a grip. Your safety should be your top priority.

And if you still decide to meet this guy (I really hope you don't), as been said, let him travel to your country, meet him in a neutral place for a coffee, nothing more, and don't even think of letting him into your house.

Sono

****ing hell OP, I’m a male and reading this post is bloody shocking. You would want to be mad to meet this person I mean seriously. If anything he is giving you every reason to stop this right now before it goes way too far.

Run and keep running....

rolling boh

under no circumstances should you travel to meet this person I would be fairly concerned for your safety the chances are that you would getting into a very tricky situation and not worth the risk .I am sure you can find a better option than him.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there

Ive lots of experience of the kink scene.

There are plenty of fetish sites out there. Fetlife is one for example. If you dont meet someone on those sites its not really a bit of friendly role play. It can become a lifestyle. It is also quite heavily populated with people who have sex addictions or other fantasies and who rely on these fantasies to escape life problems.

As a consequence ive found that more people have emotional difficulties.

Your potential sounds like a dominant chap. To him if he is really gone too far into fantasy land you are a sexual object and plaything.

This can suit some people. However if you are chatting for 4 hours and willing to compromise your own safety for someone who you have not even met then this is infactuation and is not healthy.

I suggest you take steps to maximise your safety. Find out where he lives and works. Arrange to meet him at a neutral venue and tell him sex is off the table for the first half dozens dates.

If he is unwilling to invest in you as a person then you shouldnt be willing to compromise.

I hope it works out. Kink can be fun if done with an emotional connection

LegacyUser

Jesus, OP!! What are you at?? You're talking about going to meet this guy who is talking about choking and beating you. A man who jumped into sexting and started kink talk without setting boundaries.

The kink isn't the issue by the way, it's the fact that he is a complete stranger who is speaking to you this way. You haven't even met!!!! FFS! The stuff he's talking about is the kind of stuff you might broach when you're in an actual relationship with someone. Not the kind of thing you talk about when you haven't even met the person.

He is being totally inappropriate and, honestly, you're being a total idiot to even contemplate continuing on anything with this guy.

Sorry if the above is harsh, but I would be truly worried for your safety - this is how women end up raped and murdered.

Do NOT met this man!

LegacyUser

Alarm bells on all sides. You sound extremely vunerable and naive is there any reason why this might be the case? You're not into this stuff so why get yourself in a demeaning and possibly dangerous situation with someone living in other country. If that's what he's after he's not after a vanilla relationship. Either way your boundaries are going to be pushed in meeting up with him.

Yellow pack crisps

Ah here OP. You need to meet first in a public place and not just once, a few times. Look this might come across sexist but really let him come to you the first time and build up a trust first. His kink is not something you delve into, there needs to be a build up of trust to experience those things for the first time. You’re horny and that is clouding your judgment, you need to think about the psychological impact this could have on you and that is why trust and knowing the person is so important. You don’t get to know someone over text/phone call/email etc. For your own mental and potential physical wellbeing start this thing slowly. Somewhere you feel secure.

What is the world coming to..

leggo

Yeah OP gotta echo the consensus here. You sound a bit lonely and horny and willing to ignore all red flags and safety to find a connection. He sounds, frankly, like he’s grooming you. The level of contact for a start isn’t healthy on both sides, it’s just impractical and naive, because when you’re chatting to someone that long you’re putting aside space in your life and leaving yourself open to heartbreak if you meet and it fizzles (which is probably the majority of online experiences). Especially with online, keep it light and casual in the early stages. Keep your life going as normal and don’t set aside large chunks of your day for people you just started talking to, or else you’ll find those chunks empty if it doesn’t work out and a big void in your life. Fill that void with yourself and things you like, your friends/family/hobbies etc.

Then, whatever about the stuff he’s into, but you communicated you were freaked out about it and he went back to it again at the first opportunity! That’s mental! When you haven’t met someone and they communicate something like this, you do NOT go there again! This is where the grooming part comes in: he’s testing your boundaries, seeing what you will and won’t put up with, what he can get away with etc. He can’t claim ignorance, you were very clear before. He just doesn’t care. But then you push back and he goes back to the script of the ‘right’ things he’s supposed to say. That’s dodgy and on that basis I’d be sketchy about meeting him at all, much less booking flights to do so!

Take a step back and acknowledge the fact that you’re lonely and looking for a connection with someone. Let that sit with you, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. It’s okay, everyone knows that feeling when they’re single and looking, even if they don’t speak about it, there’s no shame in it at all. Now look at this mental situation and what you were willing to put up with to cure that loneliness. Remind yourself of your worth as a person and what you’d bring to a healthy relationship with someone who deserves it. Now take a second look at this situation with a clear head and I guarantee you see it differently.

zapper55

You discussed boundaries and he's ignored them repeatedly. End of story. I think you need to have a hard look at why you are valuing his comfort over yours. You sound quite vulnerable at the moment and I think online dating is a bad idea, for now.

Sono

I really hope the OP doesn’t go through with this and has listened to everyone’s concerns on here.

This is a no brainer, stay away.

Augme

I'm a big fan of spankings, choking, belts, choking with belts and generally lots of things of that sort. Surprisingly enough, I'm not Graham Dwyer and I don't have fantasy's about murdering people either.

OP you need to figure out what you want in a relationship and what you enjoy sexually. If you are not into any of the above then you need to say it and importantly you need to finish what you have with this guy as it will never work out.

I also echo what others have said about getting into these online "relationships". They generally never end well or on a positive note.

SoundsRight

If everything on paper is perfect as you say, and you like each other, then meeting in a public place to begin with would be the sensible thing. If you're comfortable in his company then you can choose to take things further. If not, then just call it quits. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Church on Tuesday

I'd drop this creep right now.

I'st grand having kinks and all that but this is way too intense and quite frankly extremely worrying and I'm speaking as a man here.

It's too much too soon. I'd guess he just sees you as a potential plaything; that's not a criticism of you BTW, you are being more than understanding open-minded and reasonable here.

At the very least I'd back away from this for now and evaluate the situation but it feels very off to me. There are loads of decent men out there that have a fun side to them who just like you would want to take things slow and at a reasonable pace, maybe try and connect with some one like that instead?

LegacyUser

Did you specifically go looking for kink or did you go looking for a man and the kink aspect came up because huge difference. It sounds like he's after the deed and pushing your boundaries and you're after some form of a relationship. It sounds like you're confusing attraction and attention also. He's a stranger, he can make himself out to be as ideal as he so pleases on paper. You're probably not the only woman he contacts. How does he have so much time for all this communication in the first place!?

lulu1

Deleted User wrote: »

What is the world coming to..

Not the world but the people in it

lulu1

OP why would you even have to ask this question. A person you never even met talking about choking and god knows what else.

.......

He is entitled to be into the things he is into but he is not entitled to push that on you non consensually.

Very very worrying that you already drew boundaries and he has ignored them.

Also very worrying that you met someone online only a month ago and you are in constant communication - thats a HUGE red flag IMO and you must be extremely needy to be able to fall in with this level of contact at the drop of a hat! Its just not normal or healthy. I like another users expression about magnesium burners - bad news.

Frankly what you are describing sounds like this guy could be a sexual predator. Now, maybe he isnt.

But why would you take the risk of finding out by going from never knowing him at all to constant online contact to staying in his home, all just in a few weeks? If you want to meet him then let him travel here and stay in a hotel and meet him in a public place, with a friend present at least to begin with.

Everything you have described sounds alarming.

Neyite

There's no harm in exploring - but it should be with someone you trust, have met often in person, and someone you know a bit about - not just what he's told you. It should be someone you know stops the instant you say no or that you aren't sure about something he wants to try.

He's consistently ignored your boundaries and continued on with the chat you aren't comfortable with. And you think that he will respect your boundaries in person when you are alone in a room with him? If he's not listening to your 'no' on the phone, will he listen to your 'no' when he's all turned on? I'm doubtful and this has potential harm written all over it.

Your instincts are screaming at you. Don't ignore them.

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

Very very worrying that you already drew boundaries and he has ignored them.
[....]
Everything you have described sounds alarming.

I agree. I don't know if I'd say he's a predator (of course he could be) but why put yourself into that position for someone you've never met?

You know what he's into. You know that's something you're not willing to participate in, you're not into it. So right from the off you know you're not compatible.

On the other side of it, you've let him know your boudaries and he keeps pushing it and this is only over messaging. So what would he be like if you were in a hotel room with him?

Ultimately, predator or not, you are not comfortable with his behaviour, you are not compatible and he does not respect your boundaries. I'd head for the hills, let him find someone who shares his interests.

zoobizoo

Amitoovanilla? wrote: »

I met this guy online about a month ago...….things just moved really fast

we haven't met in person

we've been talking pretty each non-stop all day, every day,

long phone calls, our first one was over 4 hours long.

We both seem to be as infatuated with other

even if it was only to please him,

I would be more than willing to take on a submissive role in the relationship.

say that he didn't want to do or say anything that made me feel uncomfortable

he had been falling for me as a person and that the sexual side of things wasn't his main goal

a spare bedroom

it makes me feel like a dirty whore and not in a good way either.



………………... which is a shame as everything else on paper is perfect.

Forget about the kink for a minute.

The rest is enough to be worried about.


What's perfect on paper? His infatuation? His ability to have you questioning yourself to such an extent?


Sounds like he's just telling you a lot that you want to hear..... and then when he tests the boundaries and oversteps the mark, he tells you again what you want to hear.


If a friend said to you:
"hey, I am obsessed with a stranger online for the last 4 weeks and next week I'm going to stay with him in his house".... what would you say?

.......

wiggle16 wrote: »

I don't know if I'd say he's a predator (of course he could be) but why put yourself into that position for someone you've never met?

^^This.

You dont actually know anything except the online/voice on phone/messaging persona of this person.

And that form of communication has you worried - so why on earth would you want to meet up in real life?

bottlebrush

"He seems very genuine and sincere in every other aspect, it's just this one issue that's turning me off completely".

It is in his interest to come across as genuine and sincere and you don't have any third party corroboration of what he is really like. If he came across as monstrous, you'd be long gone by now, hopefully. You haven't even met him yet and the relationship is already sounding like hard work! He's not the only guy in the world and you shouldn't feel you have to stick with him and tailor your preferences to match his when there are plenty of other guys out there you will have more in common with without changing who you are. He may be a predator or he may not, but it's a big risk to take to find out - please don't do it.

sbsquarepants

:eek:

I have no idea what a good girl / littles scene involves and something tells me I don't want to!

My suggestion would be you'd want your god damned head examined if you are even considering flying out to a foreign country to meet this bloke. I'm very vanilla by nature, but I'm a live and let live kind of person, so I don't care in the least what consenting adults get up to.....but - if someone you haven't even met is telling you they want to gag you with dirty knickers and whip you with a leather belt, don't be too surprised if they do just that.

Before you allow someone to restrain or incapacitate you somehow, you'd want to be damn sure you can trust them to behave themselves from that point on - this fella is an absolute stranger, with fairly niche sexual ideas.

Are you mental!

And again, first thing that sprang to my mind...Graham Dwyer

wiggle16

OP if you were curious about exploring it that's one thing and there are meet-ups and fetish/leather nights on pubs you can go to if you were. Or even if you met someone online and they invited you to go to one of them that would be different because you'd know what you were dealing with.

This is different though. He could be Christian Gray, or he could be Graham Dwyer. You don't know him from Adam in reality.

Personally I wouldn't like to find out!

ginandtonicsky

Amitoovanilla? wrote: »

Background: OK, this is all a bit whirlwindish,

Whilst we haven't met in person, yet, we've been talking pretty each non-stop all day, every day, staying up until the early hours of the morning, and long, long phone calls, our first one was over 4 hours long.

we live in different countries and I've had work commitments.

Early on it became obvious that he was into a bit of kink, fine, no judgement there on my behalf.

However, gradually the sexy time chat has started back up again (I've been guilty as charged too) but what's really disconcerting me is when he talks of "punishments" at first I thought it would be light spanking, northing too hardcore, but now he's been dropping hints of talk such as choking with a leather belt, hard spankings, gagging me with my soiled underwear and at last, the final straw for me, talk of beating me across my breasts with a leather belt.

I'm going to say it to him tonight that I find all of this very off-putting and disrespectful, but how do I say it without causing drama or making it into a big deal?

I know that plenty of people enjoy some healthy BDSM in their lives. I'm just not sure that I'm cut out for it or that it's meant for me.

What's your relationship history like OP? Have you had many relationships and were they healthy, happy ones where you felt cherished and respected? Have you attracted a certain type in the past?

Reason I ask is because your post is full of behaviours on your part where you failed to establish healthy boundaries with an online stranger. This is usually a pattern of behaviour that plays out in someone's life in the relationships they have and emanates from a low sense of self-esteem.

Talking non stop for hours on end late into the night with an online stranger is not healthy behaviour. Allowing things to escalate sexually and into uncomfortable territory for you when you've not even met someone is not healthy behaviour. Planning to spend the night with a stranger from another country particularly after this unsettling sexual talk is not healthy behaviour. Feeling something is "off" and yet letting it continue because someone throws a few meaningless words your way and then reverts to form is NOT healthy behaviour.

What do you want from a man / relationship? Focus on that. Be firm, direct and clear in your communication.

Tell this man: I am not comfortable being talked to like this and will not be meeting you next week. Or: the hardcore sexual chat is unsettling to me. I will meet you for a coffee but am only free for an hour. Any more sexual talk and you won't hear from me again. Then size him up in person. If the hardcore stuff starts up again, cut him off with no further explanation.

That's how you set healthy boundaries. I'd never let a man talk to me the way you have this one. Think about your own behaviours here. You say things like "the sexy chat started again", as if you have no say in the matter and just have to go along with it. If I set a boundary of "stop talking to me like that" and someone started again, that's when I walk away. You really have to be aware of how your behaviour can attract these unhealthy situations for you and breed abusive interpersonal relationships.

If indeed this is a pattern for you, I would suggest counselling to build your self-esteem and develop healthier behaviours.

Emme

OP please don't meet this guy - I'll call him CreepyDom. If you want to explore kink and fetish you would be better to do it in a supervised group setting and even go to what's called a munch before doing anything. You'll get good advice from people in the scene there. They are very strict on consent and on what's acceptable behaviour.

DO NOT MEET THIS GUY.

Don't entertain him any more online. Going to another country where you know nobody to spend a night with a guy who is creepy is lunacy. Your gut is screaming NO - listen to it!

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thanks to all who replied previously.

I took all of your concerns and viewpoints to heart and considered them in detail. Had I been the unbiased outsider, I would have been advising similar myself if someone else had come along with the same quandary.

I just wanted to provide a quick update, as I know myself it's always nice to hear how things panned out, especially when so many of you went to the effort of replying.

Well, I did end up going to see him in the end, and ended up staying 5 days.

I'm pleased to say that everything went great, he was a perfect gentleman throughout and we had a really amazing time together.

I think we're both pretty smitten by each other now and all that's left is trying to navigate how to manage the long distance thing.

Things have been going really well since I got home so I'm glad that I went ahead and listened to my gut and took a chance on going to see him.

He couldn't have been nicer or taken better care of me, and the spark we had online was every bit as much there in person, if not more so, and we just clicked.

Whilst, it could very well have gone the opposite way, I'm really happy that I seized the opportunity as it all worked out really well and I'm looking forward to seeing where all of this leads to.

tara73

OP, alright, sounds like a fairy tale then and him miracously changing directions and respecting your limits with no attempts to beating your breasts with a leatherbelt as stated in your first post?


I find it very, very important to mention for all other women who might find themselves in a situation like the OP described in her first post, reading this update, that all the advice given here is very, very valid.


Beeing very, very cautious and to not meet somebody with demands like this guy!

.......

Im a little confused as to why you came and asked for advice, then ignored all of the unanimous advice given and took the risk anyway?

Im not suggesting that you are obliged to take the advice you receive, but I cant understand why anyone would ignore the advice given in this thread which was exceptionally unusual in that it was more or less the same from everyone.

For the record. I still feel like this is a dangerous situation and would not advise you to continue - given what you have posted on this thread. This person could easily still be trying to manipulate you into a dangerous situation.

However, perhaps you have not given the full story. Certainly, there is some unknown at play given you decided to go meet him despite major red flags.

Perhaps seeing only one spin on this story is what united every other contributor to the thread in their advice to steer clear.

I think your own behaviour has many red flags. Too over invested, very dramatic about possible disrespect, then from that into a fairytale. Its just not a good basis for a relationship to be on the drama coach from the beginning like this. Plus from what you have posted you will never be sexually compatible - so whats the point?

Hoboo

A clear case of adult grooming.

Church on Tuesday

....... wrote: »

Im a little confused as to why you came and asked for advice, then ignored all of the unanimous advice given and took the risk anyway?

Im not suggesting that you are obliged to take the advice you receive, but I cant understand why anyone would ignore the advice given in this thread which was exceptionally unusual in that it was more or less the same from everyone.

For the record. I still feel like this is a dangerous situation and would not advise you to continue - given what you have posted on this thread. This person could easily still be trying to manipulate you into a dangerous situation.

However, perhaps you have not given the full story. Certainly, there is some unknown at play given you decided to go meet him despite major red flags.

Perhaps seeing only one spin on this story is what united every other contributor to the thread in their advice to steer clear.

I think your own behaviour has many red flags. Too over invested, very dramatic about possible disrespect, then from that into a fairytale. Its just not a good basis for a relationship to be on the drama coach from the beginning like this. Plus from what you have posted you will never be sexually compatible - so whats the point?

I'm not.

This is infatuation 101.

Not trying to be nasty to you OP or anything but as another poster here has mentioned, you are being groomed.

He's obviously going to be the perfect gentleman because he wants you to only see his good side. In the first 100 days of a relationship, we are only allowed to see the good sides to a person. That goes both ways BTW.

He seems to be doing a good job of it too. I've seen this before.

It's your life at the end of the day, you're an adult free to do as you wish with whomever you wish, but I would proceed with extreme caution here.

If you meet this chap again be sure to let people know where you are going and your contact details.

TheBoyConor

You should consider yourself lucky to be alive or not imprisoned in a room.

What you did was foolish in the extreme and that your "positive experience" is up here in public sets an extremely bad example for other girls and young women who might find themselves in similar circumstances and choose to travel on the basis of your experience.

You are very lucky. He may have just been on good behaviour to lure you into a false sense of security. Next time you travel to meet him he might not be so nice and you might end up in serious danger.

Did you at least tell some family or close friend that you were travelling and give them the location and name of the person you were visiting in case you never came home?

For goodness sake, do not even think about going back there. You don't know what is going on with him. He sounds like a sick pervert.

Mr. Incognito

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

Church on Tuesday

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

Yeah and there's plenty of sites out there for like minded people, don't you think this guy is being a tad intense?

.......

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

I dont think its so much an issue with his lifestyle but an issue with the fact that he has crossed boundaries and disrespected the OP during their contact.

I mean, he could be into naked hang gliding for all i care but trying to push that on someone else non consensually is an absolute no no.

ginandtonicsky

Amitoovanilla? wrote: »

I think we're both pretty smitten by each other now and all that's left is trying to navigate how to manage the long distance thing.

What about the sex thing? The fact that he pushed and pushed and pushed with the hardcore S&M stuff over text despite you expressing your discomfort, and reverted to form once he had thrown a few handy words your way to earn your trust back?

Did the sex stuff come up when you were under the same roof? And are you still over-and-backing night and day, staying up chatting until the early hours?

I'd be curious to hear another update in 6 months' time, as my experience with these kinds of intense-very-quickly relationships is that they run cold as quickly as they ran hot, usually once a certain means-to-an-end is met.

Emme

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think most of the ott reactions like sick pervert above just sensationalise the general advice of be safe and take proper precautions.

a LOT of people are into this lifestyle.

A LOT of people are not.

I have met people who are seriously into the lifestyle and make it their business to ensure newcomers understand what it is (and isn't) about. How to set boundaries, agree on safewords, etc. How to avoid predators. For example predators tend to operate on their own and often don't mix with others in the lifestyle. They keep their targets isolated.

OP be sure to let your friends know when and where you are meeting this guy and give them a phone number where you can be contacted.

To be honest the last reply from the OP has made me suspect the thread is a wind-up. For the sake of the OP I sincerely hope it is.

cannotlogin

Why did you ask for advice given you ignored all of it?

I'm struggling to understand where your head is at? It's like you have chosen to pursue something that makes absolutely no sense to pursue?

Even if he did respect your boundries and didn't come across a highly intense weirdo with unusual sexual preference, both the distance & sexual incompatilty limit the likihood of success.

Are you bored with life? Do you not know where your personal boundaries are etc? What is the attraction?

Have you ever heard the expression "there are none so blind as those who will not see"? A whole load of strangers with no vested interest can all see it for what it is! People are urging you not to put yourself in danger for a reason.

tara73

why I'm so pretty sure OP will not come back with a single response like they did after their first post...

Neyite

Mod:
Closing this as it's as resolved as it's going to get at this stage.