To tell or not to tell

LegacyUser · 09-04-2019 11:54PM #1

If you knew your best friend's spouse or partner was having an affair, what would you do?
Would you tell your friend?

Neyite · 10-04-2019 11:32AM

If I was certain, yes.

FunLover18 · 10-04-2019 12:09PM

I was recently in this very difficult position. I think the best policy is to approach the cheater, not in a confrontational manner, and inform them that you know about their indiscretions. Give them the opportunity to come clean. The other party has a right to know but if they hear it from you, they're not getting the full picture or the context and it would be much better for them to hear it from their OH rather than third party which would only add to the insult that others knew this was going on and they didn't. It won't be easy but like I said it can't be a confrontation. I don't know what your realtionship is with either party but either way the truth coming out is best for all all concerned.

Xterminator · 10-04-2019 01:57PM

I wouldnt take the step of informing the person being cheated on, unless in the very last resort.

i believe that the messenger who communicates this will very likely end up being seen as part of the problem (wrongly or rightly) and if the couple reconcile that will leave you in a very awkward position.

i think that's why people sometimes create a throwaway email address or social media profile and message the person to tell them, and open their eyes. Its one option if you cannnt figure out what course of action to take.

If it comes out that you know and didn't tell your friend then you need to give that careful consideration, as to the lesser of 2 evils.

Be careful and weigh up what your best course of action is. confronting the cheater could be disastrous, it would really depend on the people involved and your own relationship etc.

Persiancowboy · 10-04-2019 02:11PM

I'm assuming that in this scenario, you know for 100% certain that this is the case? Because if not, your blundering into a marriage/relationship with allegations that are unfounded or can't be proved could be disastrous for all concerned, including you.

jam_mac_jam · 10-04-2019 02:31PM

Yes, they will never forgive you if they find out that you knew and didn’t tell them.

Happened to me. Now after the time has gone past it is almost as hurtful that the friend covered up for him rather than him. So I lost a friendship as well as the relationship.

I would go to the spouse first though and tell them that you know, you never know what is going on, they may have an open relationship. You could be wrong. But if you are sure and the spouse doesn’t tell them then you have to.

Calypso Realm · 10-04-2019 04:56PM

Xterminator wrote: »

i believe that the messenger who communicates this will very likely end up being seen as part of the problem (wrongly or rightly) and if the couple reconcile that will leave you in a very awkward position.

Exactly. In additon, something else to consider is that sometimes the person themselves may already know about the affair and would prefer you and others didn't! Saving face and all that!

This situation has always been a minefield in terms of what action to take. It's basically down to weighing up the situation as each can differ according to the people, dynamics involved etc eg if someone in an abusive relationship was seeing someone else, I would definitely remain silent!

In general though, if I were absolutely sure of my facts and I felt someone was being taken advantage of, I would tell them! And let the chips fall where they may...

Jurgen Klopp · 10-04-2019 05:11PM

I'd be of the side of the coin that if a supposed friend knew I was being cheated on and said nothing they wouldn't be a friend any longer

wiggle16 · 10-04-2019 05:59PM

If you're sure, absolutely tell them.

It's can be different if it's someone you don't know so well, there is usually someone in a better place to tell them than you. But this is your best friend. There's always a risk that it will backfire on you in the long run if their partner gives them the runaround and they stay together, but that's a chance you take, and it's not up to you. If I knew my friend was being made a fool of I wouldn't say nothing just to save face.

I wouldn't be approaching the cheater first. That gives them an unfair advantage and they may be able to discredit you to your friend. Plus it just complicates things, you end up involved. I don't think that's a good idea under most circumstances.

But yeah if it's your best friend and you're sure, you should tell. How did you find out, can I ask, OP?

LegacyUser · 10-04-2019 06:29PM

I wouldn't tell.

wiggle16 · 10-04-2019 08:50PM

Okay then.

As this does not appear to be a personal issue but a hypothetical one, I am going to close this thread.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Thread locked.

To tell or not to tell

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