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  • #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The funeral was the other day. We both went and paid our respects. My child never appeared visibly upset but has been asking the odd question about her mum/funerals etc since, which I would consider to be quite healthy that she is processing it in her head too.

    After 3 months, I can seek rainbow therapy if required, which could be a very good thing.


    Without making this about me, I am surprisingly handling this worse than I expected. When my child is asleep, I am going over all the times I denied the mum seeing her. I know at the time I was right but it doesnt stop going over and over in my head.


    Anyway, thanks for all the advice.


  • #33
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    There are no sinners in the graveyard. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Guilt is a normal part of the bereavement process and will abate with time. You know you did everything right and protected your daughter.


  • #34
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    It might be good for you to talk to someone yourself.

    You have handled a lot over the past decade and its only natural now that the situation has had final closure that you find yourself looking back and questioning if you did the right thing. While a person still lives we can always think "well things might change in the future" but there is a finality now, you cant go back again.

    But you did the right thing. You looked after your daughter and protected her.

    Try to go easy on yourself. Your daughter will no doubt ask you more questions and delve into her past a bit more when she is older too, thats ok, so long as she knows you love her and did your best for her.

    Its very sad that this woman died, and that in life she wasnt the mother you would have hoped her to be. But she didnt change when she was alive and had the chance to change and you are not responsible for that, difficult though that can be to accept.

    Please look after yourself and do keep posting here if it helps you to process your thoughts too.

    Youre doing a great job, grief and mingled feelings take time to resolve.


  • #35
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,444 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Just remember that it wasn't you that prevented your daughter's mother from seeing her, it was her addiction. You absolutely did the right thing for your daughter by doing your best to keep her away from that. It's very, very tragic that she developed an addiction and more so that she died before she had a chance to straighten herself out fully and have a relationship with her child. But, you didn't cause that, couldn't change that and couldn't fix that. What you have been doing is being a fantastic parent to your daughter. So be gentle with yourself now. Every decision you made was in the best interest of your daughter, not out of malicious intentions towards her mother, may she RIP .

    You're an amazing Dad. Hats off to you.


  • #36
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    8hk2342442 wrote: »
    When my child is asleep, I am going over all the times I denied the mum seeing her. I know at the time I was right but it doesnt stop going over and over in my head.

    And with all due respect to your ex, her passing does not alter the fact that you were right to do this.

    You made your child's well-being the priority - and that is what parents should do. Sadly, many don't and their children grow up around people who abuse drugs/drink or engage in poor behaviour.

    I'm sorry for your ex that she was unable to handle her addictions and her life ended in such a manner. And sorry for your daughter that she never got to experience a mother who was well adjusted and put her daughter first. But it's important to acknowledge that YOU have been the anchor in your daughter's life, and you have absolutely done everything in the best way you could have. You have no reason to feel any guilt, though it's not uncommon for people to question if they should have done things differently when someone who was part of their life dies. Your ex made the choices which led the situation to become what it was.


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  • #37
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,594 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    One way to look at it OP, is you have preserved your daughter's memory of her mother. You protected her from the worst of her behaviour. You made sure she didn't see her mam at her worst. Your daughter is only young now, but she will grow up to realise and appreciate how much you have done alone.

    Has she any contact with her mother's family?


  • #38
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    You've done an amazing job considering the hand you were dealt - and you still are doing an amazing job. You have no reason to feel guilty - that's not to dismiss what you're feeling. This was a difficult situation for many many years, this is bound to bring up a mixture of feelings as you think back over it, particularly as the woman's death was so sudden. You need to remember that you consistently did right by your daughter and in years to come she will appreciate that.

    Mind yourself and take your time.


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