mother looking for access

LegacyUser

I live with my 10 year old child and gained sole custody when my child was 1 due to the mother being addicted to drugs. The custody agreement has no set visits for the mother however at my discretion I can let the mother see the child if I believe the mother is in a fit state.

I always kept this offer open and over the years the mother was not interested, would have excuses from too tired, not well, lost the phone or just not answering


in the 9 years that has passed my child has seen her mother 2-3x for a max of 5 to 10 mins.
The mother would "visit" more to ask for money from me than show any interest.

Anyway the mother is homeless the last few years but stays on someones couch.

The mother has been in and out of hospital for weeks at a time due to drug related effects on her health. We can go literally a year or 2 without hearing anything from her then get a text demanding access and ranting and swearing down the phone at me


2 days ago, she sent me a well written, articulated text demanding to see her child and accusing me of preventing her and will be taking me to court and has the support from her doctor and counsellor at the methadone clinic she goes.

This doctor and counsellor were anything but helpful with the social workers in the past, refused to pass on any results for drug testing, writing glowing reports of their patient.

Well the mother rang on Sunday accusing me of poisoning my child against her, telling me that I am wrong to be with them in their presence when she did visit.

I have never poisoned my child against her, in fact when my child used to say how much she hated her, I would say your mum loves you. This would confuse the child so I brought her to a therapist who was able to help my child understand was a great success.

I am very worried. Apparently the mother is "clean" but has been addict the last decade.


Do I speak to my child and asks if she would like to see her mother or do I continue to refuse her for the reasons above?

If I refuse, she will go through the courts again and whilst I am confident nothing would change, this would be very very stressful as it almost broke me 10 years ago.

I work full time, I do everything for my child, bring the child to their activites 4x a week, homework, clothes, love etc

I have no family at all here whatsoever and have looked after my child 365 days a year the last 9 years. My child is doing very well in school, lots of friends and very happy.

I do know that the child would want a mother figure in their life but I know her mother is not a role model for her.



We bumped into her 18 months ago in town and my child hid behind my leg as did not want to speak, the mother asked why they didnt want to speak and told them to ring her tonight. my child didnt answer then whispered that they did not want to do this.

the mother started "crying" so my child then started saying that they would

The reason I am mentioning this, is that the mother is a very good manipulator.


Finally I say the word my and not our, this may be politically incorrect but after 10 years on my own looking after and caring for my child. I dont care.


I just want to know best course of action and to avoid any extra stress and hassle to both myself and my child.

thanks

Cash_Q

Fair play to you, you're doing an amazing job parenting alone.

I wouldn't ask the child or even mention there's been contact. Who knows, it could set your child up for false hope. It could trigger more upset than it's worth. I would speak to a solicitor and I would go through the courts to prevent any access. Your child is approaching a pivotal time with puberty around the corner and could do without disruption and false hope. If the mother has in fact gotten clean, great, but that doesn't undo 10 years of not bothering with her child. The mother needs to earn any right to access. Her aggressive approach to you now is not a good sign.

Keyzer

Agreed with the above poster - if she wasnt so aggresive you might hear her out.

I've never been in a situation like this so I can offer you little advice other than perhaps speak to a solicitor (free legal aid perhaps if money is tight) and take care of yourself and your kid. You're doing a remarkable job and should be proud of yourself.

SusieBlue

Your child is 10 so if it progresses through the legal system, the judge will take your childs wishes into consideration. They will not enforce custody or visitation on a child who does not want to see the other parent.

The mother has had sporadic, inconsistent contact with the child for almost a decade. She is an ex drug addict on a methadone program. The child is afraid of her and does not wish to be in her company.
You have provided a loving, stable, consistent home and the child is thriving and happy in your care. It is not in the best interests for the child to be forced to spend time with a woman who is practically a stranger.

It sounds like a lot of empty threats so I would just leave her to it. No judge will enforce a custody arrangement when a) the child doesn't want it and b) it isn't in the childs best interests.
Engage in legal advice yourself so you are fully prepared. Don't even tell the child about what's going on as it will only worry them.

I'd be pretty confident she'll back off when she sees she isn't getting any satisfaction from you. She can't expect to just waltz in and play happy families.
Seems like she's more interested in causing upset and anxiety than actually having contact.

It sounds like you are an excellent father to your child.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you should contact somewhere like Barnardos. They will advise you having dealt with this situation thousands of times, unfortunately. You have never denied your ex access. As an addict she disappeared. Judges are also used to this.

I think you should tell her that you are very happy to engage with her and set up routine access. Tell her you would welcome her getting a solicitor and going to court to have it agreed. That it would be in the best interests of your daughter to have something regular and routine and you see no reason to put any blocks in place. You can of course request that the access be supervised. It may have to be supervised by you in the absense of any other service/relative able to do it.

If she is serious about seeing her daughter, she will be happy with these arrangements. If she's just doing this to have a dig at you, then she'll fade away again for another while until she decides she's bored again.

Keep a record of everything she sends you. Get your own letters from schools, GP, maybe even speak to the designated child liason officer at some of your daughter's activities and ask them for a letter/reference about how your child is getting on and how often she attends, who brings her/collects her etc.

Her solicitor and social worker are fighting her corner, of course they are going to put forward an argument for her. But you can gather your own information and evidence too.

She is not going to be granted everything she demands right from the off. But if she looks for access she will almost certainly be granted something. Get your affairs in order so that you are in control in so far as possible. Be seen to be reasonable and accommodating and the judge should recognise that.

Xterminator

Hi Op

i think you probably need to be proactive here.

Why don't you send your ex a registered letter offering to allow supervised visits on a schedule. You can choose an acceptable method of supervised access. EG your mother, her mother etc. once a week to start.

If the reasonable offer is rejected or not taken up, you can demonstrate that you were flexible and the mother failed to adhere to or accept the reasonable offer.

if the mother accepts perhaps she can start to repair relationship with your child which may seem unlikely but would actually be in everyone's best interest.

PS the sentence

This doctor and counsellor were anything but helpful with the social workers in the past, refused to pass on any results for drug testing, writing glowing reports of their patient.

I'm not sure why you are disregarding the professional opinion of doctor and counsellor. You sound a good concerned parent, but don't get hung up on what happened in the past.

Paddy Cow

654 wrote: »

Well the mother rang on Sunday accusing me of poisoning my child against her, telling me that I am wrong to be with them in their presence when she did visit.

This part alone says that she is still a selfish, manipulative person and does not have the best interests of your child at heart. Anyone who had abandoned their child for 10 years and was serious about rebuilding a relationship would know they have to take it slowly and obviously someone would have to be there in the beginning, to reassure the child. This woman is a stranger to your child.

I agree with the above poster. Get a solicitor to write a letter agreeing to regular supervised access to start, with a view to increasing it as the child adjusts. If it does then go to court, it shows you were willing to be diplomatic and it looks bad against her if she ignores/doesn't follow it.

Keep track of absolutely all communication. Open a word/excel document and every time she calls/texts, log it. With someone that dangerous you have to cover yourself.

LegacyUser

thank you for the responses.

I have called social services who initially dealt with the case all those years ago and they have provided some advice.

I also have an appointment with a solicitor this week too

Very hard to concentrate in work and sleep at night with all this going on as so much at stake.

It was incredibly stressful all those years ago going through the courts and almost lost my job through not being able to concentrate. Now I have responsibility of a mortgage so I need to be get this sorted

From a logical point of view if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have no chance of seeing my child but as this is the mother, I am sure it is different.

Jurgen Klopp

Just in regards to the doctors and counselors

My arse would I let my druggie ex near my child without a recent test showing they were clean especially when social services obviously asked for one as they no doubt felt it was warranted

If you do send that solicitors letter Def make sure it's supervised visits

Surely if it went to court a judge would want to know the test results

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I completely understand your upset and annoyance, but don't start trying to argue 'if the shoe was on the other foot'. You are a man and you have sole custody of your daughter. Your ex is an addict who will do as she pleases. She will come and go wreaking havoc. There are plenty of women dealing with feckless fathers in identical circumstances. There are men who come and go as they please. Demanding all sorts and then disappearing again. Unless a parent is an actual physical threat to a child it would be very very rare for access to be denied. If it goes to court, a judge will see a parent who is looking to build a relationship with their child and will grant them access.

This is why if you do get some sort of formal agreement in place, that every time she fails to show up you log it. You bring the agreement to a garda station, or your solicitor to be date stamped and noted that she didn't turn up. Everytime she does that it evidence for you to bring with you the next time she starts shouting that you're keeping her child from her.

Xterminator

OP you have to take your ego out of the situation.

Your ex partner may be selfish, manipulative but she is the mother.
She may be very unreasonable & like you said if it was you seeking to re-establish visitation with your child after a prolonged absence maybe she wouldnt be reasonable.

But that doesnt mean you should act in the same manner. The opposite, you should set a good example to your child who is the most important person in the dynamic here. You should simply look to your own conscience and be savvy about how you will present your case in court.

do the right think, and do it in such a fashion you can prove it in court. Getting your own solicitors advice is very wise.

Defunkd

That well-written and coherent letter/text didn't originate from your ex-partner but was made by someone on her behalf.
Keep it as a record and make a copy of it. Keep all correspondence. ALL.

The law now takes into account the wishes of the child more than before, so it is ultimately her decision. No court can force her to visit her mother.

But how to prevent you from being dragged before the court and exhausting your resources?...I have no ideas on that bit.
What if you set up a meeting with a social worker? Let your daughter speak her mind. If she doesn't want contact with her mother, you would have it on paper and that could diffuse any attempt before it begins.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

OP you have to take your ego out of the situation.

Your ex partner may be selfish, manipulative but she is the mother.
She may be very unreasonable & like you said if it was you seeking to re-establish visitation with your child after a prolonged absence maybe she wouldnt be reasonable.

But that doesnt mean you should act in the same manner. The opposite, you should set a good example to your child who is the most important person in the dynamic here. You should simply look to your own conscience and be savvy about how you will present your case in court.

do the right think, and do it in such a fashion you can prove it in court. Getting your own solicitors advice is very wise.

I can assure you my ego is not in the situation.

I have relented in the past and gave opportunities to see their child and it has never happened. Just because the mum wants to visit this week, does that mean I should agree knowing full well after a couple of visits she will go missing again for a year or 2 as per usual. I dont see why I should risk this just to leave my ego out the situation.

I will do whatever I am legally advised, but make no mistake, my priority to see how I can, if possible , not have the mother in the child's life.

I believe I am "setting a good example" as I never bad mouth the mother to my child and when my child was telling me how much she hated her mum I brought her to a therapist to explain things in a more child friendly way. This was a great help as well as costly financially.

Unfortunately the world isn't always as clear and black and white as you might be suggesting and there comes a time when enough is enough. My child is not there to ease a mother's guilt when she decides she wants to see her or not see her and I have to pick up the pieces .

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I completely understand your upset and annoyance, but don't start trying to argue 'if the shoe was on the other foot'. You are a man and you have sole custody of your daughter. Your ex is an addict who will do as she pleases. She will come and go wreaking havoc. There are plenty of women dealing with feckless fathers in identical circumstances. There are men who come and go as they please. Demanding all sorts and then disappearing again. Unless a parent is an actual physical threat to a child it would be very very rare for access to be denied. If it goes to court, a judge will see a parent who is looking to build a relationship with their child and will grant them access.

This is why if you do get some sort of formal agreement in place, that every time she fails to show up you log it. You bring the agreement to a garda station, or your solicitor to be date stamped and noted that she didn't turn up. Everytime she does that it evidence for you to bring with you the next time she starts shouting that you're keeping her child from her.

Appreciate the advice BBoC.

I did not mean to come across stroppy which I did regarding the "shoe on the other foot"

This was due to when I was going for full custody with the backing of the social worker, they told me and my solicitor that at that particular time a mother had a constitutional right to see their child.

Therefore no matter what had happened, if they expressed a desire to take me to court to see their child again, they would be granted some access

This has now changed in recent years and as a couple of posters have mentioned, a child now has the right to say if they do or do not want to see the parent in question.


Everything will be done in a civil, above board with my child's interest at the forefront as well as mine if I am being honest too.



again, thanks for all the advice and believe me I am taking in everything and not going tunnel vision about this.


I know hand on my heart, Im doing this for what I believe to be the best interests for my child

Yellow pack crisps

Xterminator wrote: »

OP you have to take your ego out of the situation.

Your ex partner may be selfish, manipulative but she is the mother.
She may be very unreasonable & like you said if it was you seeking to re-establish visitation with your child after a prolonged absence maybe she wouldnt be reasonable.

But that doesnt mean you should act in the same manner. The opposite, you should set a good example to your child who is the most important person in the dynamic here. You should simply look to your own conscience and be savvy about how you will present your case in court.

do the right think, and do it in such a fashion you can prove it in court. Getting your own solicitors advice is very wise.

She gave birth. Being a mother is a completely different matter.

Yellow pack crisps

654 wrote: »

Appreciate the advice BBoC.

I did not mean to come across stroppy which I did regarding the "shoe on the other foot"

This was due to when I was going for full custody with the backing of the social worker, they told me and my solicitor that at that particular time a mother had a constitutional right to see their child.

Therefore no matter what had happened, if they expressed a desire to take me to court to see their child again, they would be granted some access

This has now changed in recent years and as a couple of posters have mentioned, a child now has the right to say if they do or do not want to see the parent in question.


Everything will be done in a civil, above board with my child's interest at the forefront as well as mine if I am being honest too.



again, thanks for all the advice and believe me I am taking in everything and not going tunnel vision about this.


I know hand on my heart, Im doing this for what I believe to be the best interests for my child

Op. Let her fight for her child if she is that bothered. Don’t be stressed or worried about court or any of that. You’re the one constant in her life and a courth will ultimately see that. Let her legally fight to see your daughter and at least then you will get a picture of her consistency and will to do it, anyone can send a text message with threats or manipulative words, it’s easy, done from the comfort of a bed, a couch etc. you will get an insight into her real desire to to lay foundations with your daughter if you make her work for it in a consistent way. Don’t worry about her councilors or social workers etc, half of those are buffoons and work out of a lazily put together half arsed folder. Make her work for access over a long period so at least you know she really wants it and is serious about it rather than the usual see and disappear act. Next time she texts reply with a simple ‘this has to go to court’ text. You and your kid are much older and wiser now, you have all the rights at this moment in time so you can dictate terms.

Teyla Emmagan

You are an amazing Dad, you should be very proud of yourself.

I wouldn't let that woman near your child.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately my daughter’s mother was found dead last week

Family members are suggesting I don’t bring my child to the funeral

I have asked my daughter and she would like to , despite no contact in years


I can understand will be upsetting and that’s my family’s viewpoint- why I bring her through all this when she wasn’t close at all

But then again, if my daughter wants to go I should respect her wishes. It is also closure for her too

I am bringing her


This is causing extra issues within my family



Lastly, what does a 10/11 year old girl wear to a funeral?

I don’t have much money, she will need shoes, black dress etc?

Big Bag of Chips

She doesn't necessarily need black dress and shoes. If she has anything decent to wear at all that will be fine.

I'm sorry this is another thing you need to deal with with you daughter. Have you looked into the Rainbows program. It may be available through her school. It might help her make sense of everything that has gone on.

SusieBlue

I would say bring her, let her pay her respects and get closure from what’s happened.
I would avoid bringing her to the afters/wake, they are usually held in pubs and it’ll be an emotionally charged affair given the circumstances of her mothers death.
She doesn’t need to be around that, but that’s just my opinion.
The mass and possibly the burial, if you think she can handle it, will be enough.

She won’t ever resent you for giving her the opportunity to say goodbye to her mother, but in angst ridden teenage years it could come back to bite you if you keep her away, despite having her best interests at heart.

So I would say let her go. Don’t even worry about the outfit, anything decent will do, regardless of colour.
And I second PPs suggestion of Rainbow.

Best of luck, I know you’re in a really tough situation.
I wish you and your daughter a peaceful future.

LegacyUser

My sincere condolences to you and your daughter, may her mother rest in peace.

If she was my daughter and she wishes to attend the funeral, I would take her. This is the final opportunity for her to say goodbye.

As she wants to go, she may have regrets if she isn’t allowed attend and that can’t be undone

As she wants to go, she may have regrets if she is allowed attend but they will be different regrets to not being allowed to attend.

My parent died when I was a child and I had younger siblings, many of our family didn’t think we should attend but our other parent brought us.

The funeral have us closure and the beautiful sad memory stayed with us as adults. My youngest siblings have no real memories of the deceased parent but they remember saying goodbye.

You could contact your local community welfare officer and ask for financial assistance to help you both with attire to attend the funeral as it’s an exceptional circumstances.

Whatever you decide, know you did it with a good heart and in your daughters best interest.

wiggle16

I think your family are wrong to be interfering like this. I don't see how they can justify making an issue of this.

I completely understand that they would have disliked her intensely considering how she behaved, but making an issue of this is personalising something that has absolutely nothing to do with them. It makes no difference to their lives if your daughter attends the funeral, but your daughter wants to go, so it makes a difference to hers. This is her decision entirely - if she were any younger and didn't really understand what has happened, I think it would be reasonable to leave it if you felt it was appropriate. Your family have to respect her wishes on this, she was her mother, she was nothing to them.

She may regret not going when she gets older. She's not going to regret it if she does go. At the end of the day, if it gets too much for her you can always leave.

For a situation like this I wouldn't be too worried about what she wears. She doesn't have to wear a black dress. Once she wears something subdued and plain so she will not stick out, that's fine - even her school uniform with a jacket would be fine in my opinion if you are stuck. No one is going to notice what she is wearing anyway.

She's probably going to have a lot of questions about her for you over the coming weeks, so be prepared for that.I think you're doing a fantastic job as a parent considering what you've been up against. If your family kick up about this tell them it has nothing to do with them, it's not about what her mother did and didn't do. It's your daughter's decision. They will get over it!

Best of luck in the future OP.

Loveinapril

Oh what a horrible situation to be in. Fair play to you for consulting your daughter on her wishes. It is so important for her that she is heard and attending the funeral will help her process everything. I am a Rainbows facilitator so obviously think Rainbows can be a great support for children going through a bereavement but just note that you will have to wait three months before your daughter can attend a group. The three months allows for her to process the raw emotion of the death.

qwerty13

I think you’re absolutely right to listen to your daughter, and to bring her to the funeral.

If I could say one thing though, which I feel sure you will already have considered, but do not let your daughter’s mother’s family pressure you into anything that you (and more importantly your daughter) aren’t comfortable with. No readings / prayers / gifts in the church - unless your daughter is very sure that she wants to do it.

And the post re the wake / ‘afters’ of the funeral is a good point. I think best avoided. It could be a heightened situation where your daughter ends up hearing too much, in an environment that you may find hard to control.

I’m sorry that this has happened in your life, but you sound like a great and considerate Dad. And I think you’re doing the right thing by your daughter in bringing her to the funeral. Sure, it would be easier for you to not do this - but you are putting your daughter first. That is a brave and selfless thing to do.

JustAThought

Barnardos also do bereavement councelling specificallt for children. Im sorry to hear about your ex despite all the pain she put you through -you loved her once so somewhere it must hurt. I'd arrive at the Church for the funeral ( if there is a Church part) & defer the burial or cremation & just leave: its a huge trauma for anyone to see a coffin lowered or be thinking about a cremation. It would also solve the family issue and all the usual drama and hysteria and hurt. Had you married/divorced her? It would be a pity if after all of that if you got stung for funeral costs -dont be guilted into signing for anything unless you are married in which case control the costs tightly. You dont need multiple cars and expensive caskets or plots to be worrying about paying off for the next 10 years. If youre not married leave it to her parents/ the social welfare grants. Sorry for talkung about money at such a time -people are guilted into massive funeral debt all the time.

RIP to your ex -maybe she will find peace now.

Paddy Cow

Snncc1234 wrote: »

My parent died when I was a child and I had younger siblings, many of our family didn’t think we should attend but our other parent brought us.

The funeral have us closure and the beautiful sad memory stayed with us as adults. My youngest siblings have no real memories of the deceased parent but they remember saying goodbye.

Same situation here. I was 9 when my Dad died and it was suggested to my mother that I and my younger siblings shouldn't be at the funeral. Thankfully she ignored them and we went. I still remember it to this day and it did help to start processing that he was never coming back. If she hadn't let us, I know I would have resented her for it.

You don't have to buy a new outfit. Smart clothes are fine, even trousers if she wants.

Neyite

My lad was 5 when someone in the family died. As he'd never been to a funeral before I talked him through all the stuff that happens during one so he wouldn't pipe up with questions. So maybe have a chat about it beforehand. Not that your daughter might pipe up but just to prepare her for the bits like seeing the coffin or the grave.



Any neat outfit in muted colours is absolutely fine. Children would not be expected to wear full mourning garb.



Take her away afterwards - especially if there's drink /pub involved. There are story books that help children process bereavement. I got a few for my son but they'd be too childish for your daughter though so pointless to recommend them. Even if she had no relationship with her mother there's still a form of loss or finality that she'll be processing so the books will help with that.


Sorry for your loss.

SirChenjin

Not much to add to the advice already given, just to say, you are absolutely doing the right thing in talking to her and taking her wishes into account.
I agree re not staying around afterwards.

Also if she hasn't been to a funeral before, chat to her beforehand about what happens. Reassure her that if she changes her mind, that's fine too. As has been mentioned there are good books to help children when it comes to bereavement. I know she has not had contact with her mother very much, but it may be something that she would find helpful.

Your family probably are thinking only of your and your daughter's best interests, but you are doing the right thing.

Lastly, no need for anything out of the ordinary clothes wise. Certainly no need for black or anything like that.

All the best, take care.

tara73

my condolences to you and your daughter, this is, no matter how bad the mother behaved, a terrible situation to be in for you and your daughter.

please, please don't even consider listening to your family and not letting her go to the funeral although she wishes. It's vital for her to be there and she knows this.

Also, not saying it has to be the case, I don't know your daughter, but there could be difficult times ahead for her with feeling guilty. The death as such a close person as a mother is changing everything, although or even because, it was such a dysfunctional relationship.

what I would like to say is, your daughter might experience turmults of guilt and other stressful feelings because of the hate she felt and now the mother is dead.
I would keep a very close eye on her, she might need some more help from a good counseller.

Big Bag of Chips

I definitely think when the time comes your daughter will need help processing this. An estranged member of my extended family died recently. His adult children (who actively avoided him and wanted nothing to do with him for close to 10 years, since they were teenagers) are all wracked with guilt. They have re-written history and see him as the best dad in the world. Who done everything he could for them and loved them with every inch of his being etc. There are very very many other issues in that entire family, but the death of their dad who they had not seen, by their own choice for years has turned everything on it's head. And these are adults who are struggling to make sense of everything. So your daughter will almost certainly struggle.

Regardless of the reality of her mother's behaviour, she was still your daughter's mother. And children tend to always look for the best, hope for miracles, look forward to the day everything is changed and better. All those hopes will now be gone for your daughter, and even just comprehending the enormity of the death of her mam will be a huge thing.

I would also advise that you tell your own family to keep out of it. To not say anything in front of your daughter about her mother. Your daughter will have had a different relationship and different perception of her mother to your family, and they have no place whatsoever in trying to change that or influence that on her. The old advice definitely rings true here: If they have nothing good to say, say nothing.

joeguevara

I am sorry the issues you are going through. Sorry for asking are you the OP?

My advice is if your daughter said she wants to go then bring her. Forget about wearing black. Let her guide you as she probably wants closure. It’s nothing to do about how good a dad you are so don’t feel hurt. Also family while trying to be helpful cannot understand that a piece of her is gone.

I hope that your daughter can close this chapter and is ok. My thoughts with you both.

Toplink

No advice, only to say I've nothing but admiration for you and the way you've handled this situation for over a decade.

LegacyUser

The funeral was the other day. We both went and paid our respects. My child never appeared visibly upset but has been asking the odd question about her mum/funerals etc since, which I would consider to be quite healthy that she is processing it in her head too.

After 3 months, I can seek rainbow therapy if required, which could be a very good thing.


Without making this about me, I am surprisingly handling this worse than I expected. When my child is asleep, I am going over all the times I denied the mum seeing her. I know at the time I was right but it doesnt stop going over and over in my head.


Anyway, thanks for all the advice.

Paddy Cow

There are no sinners in the graveyard. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Guilt is a normal part of the bereavement process and will abate with time. You know you did everything right and protected your daughter.

.......

It might be good for you to talk to someone yourself.

You have handled a lot over the past decade and its only natural now that the situation has had final closure that you find yourself looking back and questioning if you did the right thing. While a person still lives we can always think "well things might change in the future" but there is a finality now, you cant go back again.

But you did the right thing. You looked after your daughter and protected her.

Try to go easy on yourself. Your daughter will no doubt ask you more questions and delve into her past a bit more when she is older too, thats ok, so long as she knows you love her and did your best for her.

Its very sad that this woman died, and that in life she wasnt the mother you would have hoped her to be. But she didnt change when she was alive and had the chance to change and you are not responsible for that, difficult though that can be to accept.

Please look after yourself and do keep posting here if it helps you to process your thoughts too.

Youre doing a great job, grief and mingled feelings take time to resolve.

Sardonicat

Just remember that it wasn't you that prevented your daughter's mother from seeing her, it was her addiction. You absolutely did the right thing for your daughter by doing your best to keep her away from that. It's very, very tragic that she developed an addiction and more so that she died before she had a chance to straighten herself out fully and have a relationship with her child. But, you didn't cause that, couldn't change that and couldn't fix that. What you have been doing is being a fantastic parent to your daughter. So be gentle with yourself now. Every decision you made was in the best interest of your daughter, not out of malicious intentions towards her mother, may she RIP .

You're an amazing Dad. Hats off to you.

ManOfMystery

8hk2342442 wrote: »

When my child is asleep, I am going over all the times I denied the mum seeing her. I know at the time I was right but it doesnt stop going over and over in my head.

And with all due respect to your ex, her passing does not alter the fact that you were right to do this.

You made your child's well-being the priority - and that is what parents should do. Sadly, many don't and their children grow up around people who abuse drugs/drink or engage in poor behaviour.

I'm sorry for your ex that she was unable to handle her addictions and her life ended in such a manner. And sorry for your daughter that she never got to experience a mother who was well adjusted and put her daughter first. But it's important to acknowledge that YOU have been the anchor in your daughter's life, and you have absolutely done everything in the best way you could have. You have no reason to feel any guilt, though it's not uncommon for people to question if they should have done things differently when someone who was part of their life dies. Your ex made the choices which led the situation to become what it was.

Big Bag of Chips

One way to look at it OP, is you have preserved your daughter's memory of her mother. You protected her from the worst of her behaviour. You made sure she didn't see her mam at her worst. Your daughter is only young now, but she will grow up to realise and appreciate how much you have done alone.

Has she any contact with her mother's family?

wiggle16

You've done an amazing job considering the hand you were dealt - and you still are doing an amazing job. You have no reason to feel guilty - that's not to dismiss what you're feeling. This was a difficult situation for many many years, this is bound to bring up a mixture of feelings as you think back over it, particularly as the woman's death was so sudden. You need to remember that you consistently did right by your daughter and in years to come she will appreciate that.

Mind yourself and take your time.