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Is this Abuse

2

Comments

  • #32
    harr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,507 ✭✭✭harr


    Something definitely now right here ... to suddenly blow up like this is very odd and I would be worried about his mental health.
    It sounds like a complete breakdown and yes it is abuse. Anything you did sexually before you were with him is none of his business.
    Most people would have had some sort of sex life before they settled down.
    He needs help not as a couple or marriage councillors he needs some professional help.
    Like others I am wondering if he is hiding anything from his past


  • #33
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

    The sort? Eh - what age are you?

    You mean the sort of person who is human?

    Heres a novel thought - people have sex. Sometimes they have it on a ONS basis, sometimes they have it with multiple partners, sometimes they do things that other people might find odd but so long as everyone is a consenting adult there is nothing wrong with it.

    It would be worse for children to grow up watching their father abuse their mother irrationally. Children learn the idea of what is a relationship from their parents. It is NOT normal for someone to be abused because they had sex 15 years previously. There is nothing to deal with here. People have sex. End of.

    My own view on this is that this man is reaching very dangerous levels of disassociation with reality. His wife and his children could be in danger.


  • #34
    SoundsRight
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 408 ✭✭SoundsRight


    harr wrote: »
    Something definitely now right here ... to suddenly blow up like this is very odd and I would be worried about his mental health.
    It sounds like a complete breakdown and yes it is abuse. Anything you did sexually before you were with him is none of his business.
    Most people would have had some sort of sex life before they settled down.
    He needs help not as a couple or marriage councillors he needs some professional help.
    Like others I am wondering if he is hiding anything from his past

    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.


  • #35
    Recliner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 951 ✭✭✭Recliner


    ....... wrote: »
    Bizarre attitude and to be obsessing on it 15 years later is very odd. I would be concerned for his mental health and strongly suggest you are very careful for your own safety as this sounds like someone who could lose touch with reality entirely and snap.

    Its difficult to understand why you would entertain any negative comments about your sex life previous to meeting your husband. It was your life. Its not something that you should either be ashamed of or want a medal for IMO - its simply your life. You werent born out of an egg on your wedding day pristine and pure waiting to walk up to the altar.

    And nor was he. He seems to be very hung up on sex as being a bad and nasty activity to be engaged in. Very worrying thoughts for an adult man tbh.

    I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

    I would suggest that rather than a therapist and a marriage counseller he needs psychiatric help as he is not in touch with reality.

    +1 a thousand times to this.


  • #36
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    Why?

    Whats wrong with having a one night stand?


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  • #37
    Recliner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 951 ✭✭✭Recliner


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    Rarely if ever I'm lost for words, but WOW!!


  • #38
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    The one night stands happened prior to the conception of said children. He was aware of all of this before the kids were born.

    He does not get a free license to suddenly fly off the handle a decade and a half later because he now feels differently cause she's the mother of his kids.

    He needs to get over it, or move out of the home. His wife has done nothing wrong and the treatment she is being subjected to for something she cannot control is uncalled for.


  • #39
    harr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,507 ✭✭✭harr


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    This is more than name calling...he has left his wife and is blaming her for the break down of the marriage and has got kids involved..it’s not on.
    It’s certainly not her fault. I am from a small village and I have plenty of friends including myself who have been involved romantically with various people we still know and indeed are still friends with and my wife has had local boyfriends before, lads I would still talk to and be on first name terms.
    You seem to have the old fashioned idea that women should “save” themselves for the marriage night.


  • #40
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    And yet there are who knows how many thousands of people in his exact situation who manage not to verbally abuse their wife or engage in the extremely destabilising behaviour he's exhibiting around his children. He's the only one punishing them, he's the one who can't deal with the past.

    Worth pointing out that there are men on this thread explaining just how much they don't or wouldn't care their wives' previous sexual experiences. SOME men may share this guy's insecurities and the frankly misogynistic mentality that underlies them, but let's not pretend this is something that applies to "husbands" or "men", it doesn't.

    The fact that this behaviour has suddenly escalated and that he's being medicated for depression is significant, I agree that he does need some help and support, but because he may be going through a serious mental health episode, not because of the abusive way in which it's being expressed.

    And him needing support does not supersede the safety OP and their kids.

    Contact women's aid OP, and do it at a time and on a device that he won't find out about it.


  • #41
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,810 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    Don't be justifying it- he's being a twat plain and simple and she doesn't need to take abuse over a perfectly normal event that took place over a decade ago before they were a couple.

    If he actually was a man and not a boy, it wouldn't be eating away at him!


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  • #42
    FishOnABike
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,895 ✭✭✭FishOnABike


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    She has had previous relationships, over fifteen years ago, before they were married. Her past relationship and sexual history is exactly that, past.

    Once you get beyond early adulthood it's to be expected that any partner will have had past relationships and sexual history but it's no one else's business other than their own.

    OP's husband's obsession with it is unhealthy and displays a narcissistic and dysfunctional view of relationships and sexuality that he would probably benefit from some mental health intervention (counselling / psychologist / psychiatrist ) in dealing with if he wants to try and save a relationship which he is currently destroying.

    He appears to be ignoring the advice given by the marriage guidance counsellor. There is no excuse for the verbal and emotional abuse.


  • #43
    punisher5112
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,519 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    How could anyone think it's ok for him to do what he is doing.

    He sounds like he has the mental capacity of a 5 year old.

    This guy needs help and the op and her kids need to be away from him.

    It's also like he is jealous also.

    I would be very worried he would lash out and be like those guys that take the lives of their family and then themselves.

    I really hope not of course but the mind is a very dangerous place.


  • #44
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    FishOnABike wrote: »
    SoundsRight wrote: »
    He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

    She has had previous relationships, over fifteen years ago, before they were married. Her past relationship and sexual history is exactly that, past.

    Once you get beyond early adulthood it's to be expected that any partner will have had past relationships and sexual history but it's no one else's business other than their own.

    OP's husband's obsession with it is unhealthy and displays a narcissistic and dysfunctional view of relationships and sexuality that he would probably benefit from some mental health intervention (counselling / psychologist / psychiatrist ) in dealing with if he wants to try and save a relationship which he is currently destroying.

    He appears to be ignoring the advice given by the marriage guidance counsellor. There is no excuse for the verbal and emotional abuse.

    His therapist tried to refer him to a psychiatrist but he refused to go, pls excuse my ignorance but what would a good psychiatrist do for him?


  • #45
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    A good psychiatrist could possibly prescribe him more effective medication, a therapist can't do that.

    Is he still engaging with the therapist? You say he "has attended".


  • #46
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    His therapist tried to refer him to a psychiatrist but he refused to go, pls excuse my ignorance but what would a good psychiatrist do for him?

    Therapy just involves counselling, CBT, etc...

    Psychiatry could include medication to help him get a grip back on reality.

    To use a more extreme example, if someone thought that the world was full of lizard men in human costumes then they would need medical intervention as opposed to just talking about it.

    Your husband has gone far beyond rational behaviour here. It is frankly quite disturbing.


  • #47
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    Macy Dirty Market wrote: »
    A good psychiatrist could possibly prescribe him more effective medication, a therapist can't do that.

    Is he still engaging with the therapist? You say he "has attended".

    No he stopped attending a few weeks ago


  • #48
    Lackey
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,118 ✭✭✭Lackey


    have you posted about this before?


  • #49
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    No he stopped attending a few weeks ago

    Get out or get him out, seriously. This is extremely alarming behaviour and he's showing you very clearly that he's not going to do the work to change it. Without straying into the realm of medical advice a psychiatrist would be a far better person to identify appropriate medication than a GP, which is where I assume he got the antidepressants.

    Where does that leave you? This has seriously and suddenly escalated and is coinciding with an episode of depression and he is actively withdrawing from the options for help.

    This will not get better by you sticking with him. Think back to 5 years ago, how likely would you have said it was that he'd walk out on you and the kids or send you messages calling you a whore? Extrapolate to 5 years in the future, what will you be enduring?

    Ending a marriage is a major thing and very difficult, and I have had very bad mental health episodes myself, I appreciate that it's a factor and the that it's influencing your attitude towards him. But this can't continue. There needs to be a major effort on HIS part to save this and he's showing you he's not currently willing or able to make it.

    In which case your priority has to be the safety security and mental health of your children and yourself.

    I don't want to alarm you but I agree with the sentiment expressed here that this is also a potentially physically dangerous situation.


  • #50
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod note:

    Okay, that's enough back and forth in this thread. We're getting off topic at this stage.

    Unless you have constructive advice for the OP thats she can use, please don't post.

    Thanks


  • #51
    shenanagans
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 896 ✭✭✭shenanagans


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

    Wives don't like to believe that one day in the future they'll wake up living with a controlling judgemental bully. That nice guy they married has changed into a verbally abusive nasty liitle man who for some reason is fixated with the past. Her history is her private business...... I'm sure he has a history too. But of course he's a man so same old double standard non sense.

    15 years ago FFS. I mean unless she told him lies about her past. That she had no previous partners... But unless she lied I don't see why its an issue.


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  • #52
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,369 ✭✭✭tara73


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    His therapist tried to refer him to a psychiatrist but he refused to go, pls excuse my ignorance but what would a good psychiatrist do for him?

    it's true, psychiatrist mainly only prescribe meds. but surely they can also admit patients to a psychiatric hospital and they know who to contact and the proceedings if an admission isn't on a voluntary base from the patient anymore.

    I don't like fearing for the worst but your description of his behaviour sounds indeed scary and there are young kids involved.
    I presume he won't admit himself to a hospital but I almost think this is the place where he should be at the moment.

    Can you talk to his therapist and tell him what's going on with him? Then the therapist knows a psychiatrist who can then act.

    Don't know, only you can tell if it's that serious already, but better safe than sorry I would say.


  • #53
    lawred2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,768 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    A few months ago my Husband started to obsess about my life before him, he especially cant get over two ONS I had and since then he has attended a Therapist, we had one session with a Marriage Counsellor and he is on anti depressants. The Therapist worked with him and noted it was a deep rooted Control issue. The Marriage Counsellor said that it was before him and to move on.He said he cant get it out of his head and constantly calls me names, sends me messages about being a *lut, *hore and how badly I behaved. I have never cheated on him n our 15 years together, this was before him. We are from a small town and unfortunately he knows both of these exes. He has told our kids he is moving out, then went away to clear his head, everything went back to normal he told our oldest he is now staying but things have gone downhill the past week. I was reading up about this and I feel this is a form of abuse, am I right. I am now in the mindframe to know it isn't right, and I have asked him to move out. I need to be strong for our children. I am not happy and even though I love him I think there has been too much said.

    Dump that prick


  • #54
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    His therapist tried to refer him to a psychiatrist but he refused to go, pls excuse my ignorance but what would a good psychiatrist do for him?

    While other health professionals may suspect a condition or disorder, only a psychiatrist is qualified to actually diagnose it in additon to prescribing the optimum meds and therapies. It sounds as if the therapist believed whatever he has was serious enough to necessitate a referral.


  • #55
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,918 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    It's the weirdest thing, but I am 100% sure I read about this "condition" a few weeks ago in a newspaper article .The reason I remembered it is that a friend was having some issues with his OH at the time and honest to God, they were really similar. For the life of me I couldn't really understand it but he was completely hung up on her past boyfriends, with a particular obsession about a couple of one night stands she said she had had.Constantly bringing it up, wanting to know exactly what happened, who said what etc. It was 100% up to him to get over it (basically) but he just couldn't let it go, despite the fact they were literally over 10-15 years ago. With people he never even met.


    That being said OP, it doesn't excuse your husband's behaviour. So yes, for you it is causing your OH to behave in a way that is totally unacceptable. It seems to be one of those things that they have to learn to deal with or get over. So he has to stay with the therapy and actually work on it, and his behaviour but if he isn't prepared to do that then yes, it is probably time to think about ending it.


  • #56
    cazzer22
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 501 ✭✭✭cazzer22


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.


    Comes to terms with her past? She did a very normal thing and he is completely overreacting to this. I feel it's abuse because I cannot understand name calling under any circumstances. Referring to your wife in that way is disgusting.


  • #57
    cazzer22
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 501 ✭✭✭cazzer22


    ....... wrote: »
    Why?

    Whats wrong with having a one night stand?

    This is the case in almost every relationship nowadays. Most people have been with other people and that's just it. I got the same nonsense from an ex where he actually said 'why didn't you wait for me?' as if I was supposed to predict i'd end up going out with him aged 23. There's 100% an underlying, disturbing issue at play to call your wife those horrible names and make her feel bad for doing a very normal thing, small town or no small town. It doesn't matter.
    My fiancée knows my ex well and other people I've had relationships with (small town) and vice versa and he and I are comfortable in ourselves and our relationship that it is never an issue.


  • #58
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,231 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    Lackey wrote: »
    have you posted about this before?

    I wondered that too, otherwise there's another poor woman on this forum in a relationship with someone who's treating her dreadfully because of something that happened many many years ago, and is nothing to be ashamed of in the first place.

    OP get out as fast as you can, it's a very slippery slope you're on. For your safety and mental health you need to split with this guy.


  • #59
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    Your husband does not own your former self, your current self and your future self. He seems unhinged because he is unhinged. You are remarkable in your patience putting up with this person. I have no doubt your husband has a mental illness and I do sympathise with people with this illness, but if they are not seeking to address it in a way that stops the abuse of others then it is your absolute right to protect yourself from this sort of abuse. Your husband needs to get healthy before he does something you both can’t come back from.


  • #60
    SoundsRight
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 408 ✭✭SoundsRight


    Is it really fair to label him unhinged and mentally ill? The fact that he's so torn up over his wife's past shows how much he loves her and his family. I'd be more worried of he was ok with it. He's come round from it before, so I'd be confident he can do it again and focus on keeping the family unit together.


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  • #61
    fineso.mom
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,093 ✭✭✭fineso.mom


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    Is it really fair to label him unhinged and mentally ill? The fact that he's so torn up over his wife's past shows how much he loves her and his family. I'd be more worried of he was ok with it. He's come round from it before, so I'd be confident he can do it again and focus on keeping the family unit together.

    you would be " more worried if he was ok with it " ??? Ok with what ?


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