Is this Abuse

isthisabuse

A few months ago my Husband started to obsess about my life before him, he especially cant get over two ONS I had and since then he has attended a Therapist, we had one session with a Marriage Counsellor and he is on anti depressants. The Therapist worked with him and noted it was a deep rooted Control issue. The Marriage Counsellor said that it was before him and to move on.He said he cant get it out of his head and constantly calls me names, sends me messages about being a *lut, *hore and how badly I behaved. I have never cheated on him n our 15 years together, this was before him. We are from a small town and unfortunately he knows both of these exes. He has told our kids he is moving out, then went away to clear his head, everything went back to normal he told our oldest he is now staying but things have gone downhill the past week. I was reading up about this and I feel this is a form of abuse, am I right. I am now in the mindframe to know it isn't right, and I have asked him to move out. I need to be strong for our children. I am not happy and even though I love him I think there has been too much said.

Johnnyhpipe

Yes.

TheIronyMaiden

Wasn't going to post until I saw he has gotten the kids involved in his mess - this is obviously grossly unfair on you but equally so on the kids. None of you deserve to be messed around like that. I think as you said you need to be strong for both yourself and your kids and tell him to leave.
Goes without saying that what you have done in your past is of absolutely no concern to your husband. Cannot believe he is calling you names like that, so sorry you have to deal with that crap.

punisher5112

You need to get away from that.

What a nut.

Did he only find out your past or was he actually always like this.

Very very strange.

FishOnABike

I think anyone would consider that name calling and the attitude behind it to be emotional abuse.

His obsession about your past and extreme attitude might indicate he could benefit from some counselling himself apart from any joint marriage counselling you have both gone to.

tea and coffee

100%
It's none of his business what you did before you got together.
Strange how it's only in last few months given you're together 15 years. Anything that might have prompted it? If not, is it possible he having an affair and is projecting onto you?
Either way, it is abusive.

sbsquarepants

Hi OP,

This has excuse written all over it. 15 years in and he's only just upset that you slept with someone else before you met - sorry I'm just not buying it!

I also don't see how this conversation even comes about - if my missus said to me "you know johnny down the road, well I banged him 15 years ago" my only thoughts would be - "why are you telling me this now"? closely followed by "so what"?

isthisabuse

It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

isthisabuse

Thanks for replies. I just wanted to make sure it is abuse as when I said it / labelled it he went mad.

amcalester

isthisabuse wrote: »

It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

No reason why you should regret a ONS or a kiss or anything.

I wonder if he’s done something he shouldn’t have and is now trying to set it up so you’re also at fault, so when the big reveal happens you both have something to apologize for.

Not that you actually do, obviously.

isthisabuse

I don't know, I don't feel he has cheated I think it is a mixture of control issues and depression. I dont want to walk away but cant cope with the treatment I'm getting any more.

SusieBlue

isthisabuse wrote: »

It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

Why would you regret it? You don't owe him an apology for having a life before you met him.

He's being absolutely unreasonable and extremely abusive. He's also being manipulative because there is literally nothing you can do to undo the past, its done, and he has known these facts for years. No amount of arguing it will make it cease to have happened.
If its such an issue for him (unnecessarily so) then he should have cut ties with you 15yrs ago, instead of marrying you and having kids.

He is trying to shame you by bringing the children into it - more abuse.
I'd also be questioning his own faithfulness seeing as this is suddenly a huge issue for him. He could be projecting to hide his own cheating.

Either way it sounds toxic, he has no respect for you and you don't deserve this. It sounds like a horrible environment to live in and unless he agrees to either let it go, or try to let it go, there is no point continuing with your marriage.

isthisabuse

Thank you. I don't think he will let it go so I have to end the marriage, it is hard but I've now had enough.

Pauliedragon

Does he not have any sexual past?

isthisabuse

Yes an odd kiss/fumble, a LTR but no ONS

punisher5112

Op I feel for you but I'm worried more so that you have to ask is this abuse.

I would not dream of talking to another person never mind my girlfriend or wife as she is now no matter what.....

That carry on is seriously out of control and he may well be mentally unstable which he most likely is and has been a long time.

Were these comments milder at the start and he try with conversation of the past etc?

When did it get abusive?

You need to seriously get away from that and the kids otherwise they will turn out as bad or worse.

isthisabuse

Yes milder at start and have gradually got worse. I asked him how he could treat me like this last night and he replied asking did I want a medal for sleeping around. I didn't go any further than that as it would just get worse and not able for the insults anymore.

.......

Bizarre attitude and to be obsessing on it 15 years later is very odd. I would be concerned for his mental health and strongly suggest you are very careful for your own safety as this sounds like someone who could lose touch with reality entirely and snap.

Its difficult to understand why you would entertain any negative comments about your sex life previous to meeting your husband. It was your life. Its not something that you should either be ashamed of or want a medal for IMO - its simply your life. You werent born out of an egg on your wedding day pristine and pure waiting to walk up to the altar.

And nor was he. He seems to be very hung up on sex as being a bad and nasty activity to be engaged in. Very worrying thoughts for an adult man tbh.

I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

I would suggest that rather than a therapist and a marriage counseller he needs psychiatric help as he is not in touch with reality.

SusieBlue

He sounds like a poisonous bitter little man. I don't know how you are putting up with this.
I would advise you to kick him out of the house. If he isn't willing to work on HIS issue (emphasised there because it is his issue, not yours) then he clearly isn't interested in saving your marriage either.
Which means you are both living in a toxic environment for no good reason. He needs to go.

SoundsRight

No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.

.......

....... wrote: »

Bizarre attitude and to be obsessing on it 15 years later is very odd. I would be concerned for his mental health and strongly suggest you are very careful for your own safety as this sounds like someone who could lose touch with reality entirely and snap.

Its difficult to understand why you would entertain any negative comments about your sex life previous to meeting your husband. It was your life. Its not something that you should either be ashamed of or want a medal for IMO - its simply your life. You werent born out of an egg on your wedding day pristine and pure waiting to walk up to the altar.

And nor was he. He seems to be very hung up on sex as being a bad and nasty activity to be engaged in. Very worrying thoughts for an adult man tbh.

I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

I would suggest that rather than a therapist and a marriage counseller he needs psychiatric help as he is not in touch with reality.

100% agreed on all counts

SusieBlue

SoundsRight wrote: »

No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.

Unsettling news? He's been aware of this for over 15 years. It isn't understandable. Everyone has a sexual past and she has no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about things she did before she even met him.
He is being utterly unreasonable.

There is nothing to "come to terms with". Jesus wept talk about victim blaming! There is no justification for how she is being treated. None.

SoundsRight

SoundsRight wrote: »

No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts.

It's not "news", he's known about it for years.

isthisabuse wrote: »

It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

OP, think about it seriously … do you remember anything out of the ordinary that happened last October/November?

I get that it's been an issue on an off over the years and it could just that he's (finally :rolleyes:) processing it, but a change like that could indicate there's another factor you're not aware of.

Either way, hopefully he'll feck off again to "clear his head" and you can change the locks. He does not get to ruin you and your children's lives with his insecurities and control issues.

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

100% agree with this. There is something very wrong here and he does not sound stable.

He's giving you abuse and calling you a slut based upon a sexual history he has:
1) contrived in his own mind
2) has become obsessed with
3) has no business knowing anyway

This is irrational and quite disturbing imho. I don't thknk anything you can tell him will be enough. Even if you said you slept with 40 men and gave him all the details it sounds like he would still think there were more.

This is abuse, and he sounds mentally unstable. You need to get out of this situation and take it from there.

Good luck OP x

Dial Hard

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not "news", he's known about it for years.

Nor is it "unsettling". Jesus Christ, what a weird attitude to have towards perfectly natural human behaviour.

OP, I can only echo what others have said here, particularly around being concerned for your safety while your husband is in this spiral. Unfortunately we have seen many times where this level of controlling behaviour can lead. Mind yourself and good luck.

SoundsRight

SusieBlue wrote: »

Unsettling news? He's been aware of this for over 15 years. It isn't understandable. Everyone has a sexual past and she has no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about things she did before she even met him.
He is being utterly unreasonable.

There is nothing to "come to terms with". Jesus wept talk about victim blaming! There is no justification for how she is being treated. None.

Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

SusieBlue

SoundsRight wrote: »

Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

"The sort that would have a one night stand", what is that supposed to imply?

The fact that she had sex before she met him does not give him the right to use it against her at his own discretion for the rest of their married life.
It isn't a get of of jail free card to be abusive towards her.
And he is being extremely manipulative by involving their children.

And he is a total hypocrite, because it not like he was a virgin on their wedding day.

She has done nothing wrong and if he cannot deal with it, that is on HIM.
Not OP. She has no responsibility for his absurd behaviour.

amcalester

SoundsRight wrote: »

Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

Its the father who is struggling to deal with the past, not the parents so any impact on the children is down to him making an issue where none exists.

wiggle16

SoundsRight wrote: »

Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

So he should be able to verbally abuse his wife and call her a slut because he is finding hard to accept that she was sexually active prior to meeting him? This is dark ages stuff.

She didn't do anything wrong. And even if he has a problem with that, what is she supposed to do about it? Get in a time machine?

He shouldn't even need to see professionals to help with this, which suggests there is something very wrong with him, but even if he is, he's involved the kids and threatened to walk out and is behaving in a very unstable and unnerving way. The OP doesn't have to put up with that because of his atavistic ego.

OP, it doesn't really matter WHY he is acting like this. At the end of the day he is abusing you and he sounds unstable and irrational.
I'd encourage you to contact Women's Aid for advice if you are concerned about how he would react to you calling time on the relationship. I'm not being alarmist here - it really sounds like he has control issues and there is something really not right. His reaction to this "issue" is completely disproportionate.

Please mind yourself xxx

sbsquarepants

SoundsRight wrote: »

No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.

Sounds wrong, soundsright!

He's being a twat, he has absolutely nothing to come to terms with. Why in the name of jaysus should this woman "regret" sleeping with someone else.

He needs to grow the hell up, this is no way for a grown man to behave - you'd give a teenager a slap for carrying on like that!

shenanagans

isthisabuse wrote: »

A few months ago my Husband started to obsess about my life before him, he especially cant get over two ONS I had and since then he has attended a Therapist, we had one session with a Marriage Counsellor and he is on anti depressants. The Therapist worked with him and noted it was a deep rooted Control issue. The Marriage Counsellor said that it was before him and to move on.He said he cant get it out of his head and constantly calls me names, sends me messages about being a *lut, *hore and how badly I behaved. I have never cheated on him n our 15 years together, this was before him. We are from a small town and unfortunately he knows both of these exes. He has told our kids he is moving out, then went away to clear his head, everything went back to normal he told our oldest he is now staying but things have gone downhill the past week. I was reading up about this and I feel this is a form of abuse, am I right. I am now in the mindframe to know it isn't right, and I have asked him to move out. I need to be strong for our children. I am not happy and even though I love him I think there has been too much said.

Yes it's Abuse.

No you shouldn't tolerate it. It's a bad example for your kids if nothing else.

Pack his bag. Kick him out for a few weeks at least. Tell him to sort himself out. Get help etc. Avoid contact in the mean time. Let him get a feel for what life would be like without you. He may realise very quickly what he has got in you and your lives together.

Give it another go after some time has passed if you love him and he makes a effort to address his issues.

Otherwise, life's too short it be someone else's pushbag.... Emotionally speaking. Your worth more than that.

Its hard to hear and sad to acknowledge but history repeats itself. If your kids live with a controlling nasty bully that emotionally abuses their mum...... What will they see as normal.... What will they turn out like..... Will your son/daughter bully and control their partners in future. You can to say no they won't..... But if that's all they know and see..... History does have a habit of repeating itself.... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Do it for your kids.

harr

Something definitely now right here ... to suddenly blow up like this is very odd and I would be worried about his mental health.
It sounds like a complete breakdown and yes it is abuse. Anything you did sexually before you were with him is none of his business.
Most people would have had some sort of sex life before they settled down.
He needs help not as a couple or marriage councillors he needs some professional help.
Like others I am wondering if he is hiding anything from his past

.......

SoundsRight wrote: »

Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

The sort? Eh - what age are you?

You mean the sort of person who is human?

Heres a novel thought - people have sex. Sometimes they have it on a ONS basis, sometimes they have it with multiple partners, sometimes they do things that other people might find odd but so long as everyone is a consenting adult there is nothing wrong with it.

It would be worse for children to grow up watching their father abuse their mother irrationally. Children learn the idea of what is a relationship from their parents. It is NOT normal for someone to be abused because they had sex 15 years previously. There is nothing to deal with here. People have sex. End of.

My own view on this is that this man is reaching very dangerous levels of disassociation with reality. His wife and his children could be in danger.

SoundsRight

harr wrote: »

Something definitely now right here ... to suddenly blow up like this is very odd and I would be worried about his mental health.
It sounds like a complete breakdown and yes it is abuse. Anything you did sexually before you were with him is none of his business.
Most people would have had some sort of sex life before they settled down.
He needs help not as a couple or marriage councillors he needs some professional help.
Like others I am wondering if he is hiding anything from his past

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

Recliner

....... wrote: »

Bizarre attitude and to be obsessing on it 15 years later is very odd. I would be concerned for his mental health and strongly suggest you are very careful for your own safety as this sounds like someone who could lose touch with reality entirely and snap.

Its difficult to understand why you would entertain any negative comments about your sex life previous to meeting your husband. It was your life. Its not something that you should either be ashamed of or want a medal for IMO - its simply your life. You werent born out of an egg on your wedding day pristine and pure waiting to walk up to the altar.

And nor was he. He seems to be very hung up on sex as being a bad and nasty activity to be engaged in. Very worrying thoughts for an adult man tbh.

I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

I would suggest that rather than a therapist and a marriage counseller he needs psychiatric help as he is not in touch with reality.

+1 a thousand times to this.

.......

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

Why?

Whats wrong with having a one night stand?

Recliner

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

Rarely if ever I'm lost for words, but WOW!!

SusieBlue

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

The one night stands happened prior to the conception of said children. He was aware of all of this before the kids were born.

He does not get a free license to suddenly fly off the handle a decade and a half later because he now feels differently cause she's the mother of his kids.

He needs to get over it, or move out of the home. His wife has done nothing wrong and the treatment she is being subjected to for something she cannot control is uncalled for.

harr

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

This is more than name calling...he has left his wife and is blaming her for the break down of the marriage and has got kids involved..it’s not on.
It’s certainly not her fault. I am from a small village and I have plenty of friends including myself who have been involved romantically with various people we still know and indeed are still friends with and my wife has had local boyfriends before, lads I would still talk to and be on first name terms.
You seem to have the old fashioned idea that women should “save” themselves for the marriage night.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

And yet there are who knows how many thousands of people in his exact situation who manage not to verbally abuse their wife or engage in the extremely destabilising behaviour he's exhibiting around his children. He's the only one punishing them, he's the one who can't deal with the past.

Worth pointing out that there are men on this thread explaining just how much they don't or wouldn't care their wives' previous sexual experiences. SOME men may share this guy's insecurities and the frankly misogynistic mentality that underlies them, but let's not pretend this is something that applies to "husbands" or "men", it doesn't.

The fact that this behaviour has suddenly escalated and that he's being medicated for depression is significant, I agree that he does need some help and support, but because he may be going through a serious mental health episode, not because of the abusive way in which it's being expressed.

And him needing support does not supersede the safety OP and their kids.

Contact women's aid OP, and do it at a time and on a device that he won't find out about it.

sbsquarepants

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

Don't be justifying it- he's being a twat plain and simple and she doesn't need to take abuse over a perfectly normal event that took place over a decade ago before they were a couple.

If he actually was a man and not a boy, it wouldn't be eating away at him!

FishOnABike

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

She has had previous relationships, over fifteen years ago, before they were married. Her past relationship and sexual history is exactly that, past.

Once you get beyond early adulthood it's to be expected that any partner will have had past relationships and sexual history but it's no one else's business other than their own.

OP's husband's obsession with it is unhealthy and displays a narcissistic and dysfunctional view of relationships and sexuality that he would probably benefit from some mental health intervention (counselling / psychologist / psychiatrist ) in dealing with if he wants to try and save a relationship which he is currently destroying.

He appears to be ignoring the advice given by the marriage guidance counsellor. There is no excuse for the verbal and emotional abuse.

punisher5112

How could anyone think it's ok for him to do what he is doing.

He sounds like he has the mental capacity of a 5 year old.

This guy needs help and the op and her kids need to be away from him.

It's also like he is jealous also.

I would be very worried he would lash out and be like those guys that take the lives of their family and then themselves.

I really hope not of course but the mind is a very dangerous place.

isthisabuse

FishOnABike wrote: »

SoundsRight wrote: »

He is wrong to call his wife names. But knowing that the mother of your children has had one night stands with some of the locals is bound to eat away at a man. He needs support, not condemnation.

She has had previous relationships, over fifteen years ago, before they were married. Her past relationship and sexual history is exactly that, past.

Once you get beyond early adulthood it's to be expected that any partner will have had past relationships and sexual history but it's no one else's business other than their own.

OP's husband's obsession with it is unhealthy and displays a narcissistic and dysfunctional view of relationships and sexuality that he would probably benefit from some mental health intervention (counselling / psychologist / psychiatrist ) in dealing with if he wants to try and save a relationship which he is currently destroying.

He appears to be ignoring the advice given by the marriage guidance counsellor. There is no excuse for the verbal and emotional abuse.

His therapist tried to refer him to a psychiatrist but he refused to go, pls excuse my ignorance but what would a good psychiatrist do for him?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

A good psychiatrist could possibly prescribe him more effective medication, a therapist can't do that.

Is he still engaging with the therapist? You say he "has attended".

.......

isthisabuse wrote: »

His therapist tried to refer him to a psychiatrist but he refused to go, pls excuse my ignorance but what would a good psychiatrist do for him?

Therapy just involves counselling, CBT, etc...

Psychiatry could include medication to help him get a grip back on reality.

To use a more extreme example, if someone thought that the world was full of lizard men in human costumes then they would need medical intervention as opposed to just talking about it.

Your husband has gone far beyond rational behaviour here. It is frankly quite disturbing.

isthisabuse

Macy Dirty Market wrote: »

A good psychiatrist could possibly prescribe him more effective medication, a therapist can't do that.

Is he still engaging with the therapist? You say he "has attended".

No he stopped attending a few weeks ago

Lackey

have you posted about this before?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

isthisabuse wrote: »

No he stopped attending a few weeks ago

Get out or get him out, seriously. This is extremely alarming behaviour and he's showing you very clearly that he's not going to do the work to change it. Without straying into the realm of medical advice a psychiatrist would be a far better person to identify appropriate medication than a GP, which is where I assume he got the antidepressants.

Where does that leave you? This has seriously and suddenly escalated and is coinciding with an episode of depression and he is actively withdrawing from the options for help.

This will not get better by you sticking with him. Think back to 5 years ago, how likely would you have said it was that he'd walk out on you and the kids or send you messages calling you a whore? Extrapolate to 5 years in the future, what will you be enduring?

Ending a marriage is a major thing and very difficult, and I have had very bad mental health episodes myself, I appreciate that it's a factor and the that it's influencing your attitude towards him. But this can't continue. There needs to be a major effort on HIS part to save this and he's showing you he's not currently willing or able to make it.

In which case your priority has to be the safety security and mental health of your children and yourself.

I don't want to alarm you but I agree with the sentiment expressed here that this is also a potentially physically dangerous situation.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Okay, that's enough back and forth in this thread. We're getting off topic at this stage.

Unless you have constructive advice for the OP thats she can use, please don't post.

Thanks

shenanagans

SoundsRight wrote: »

Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

Wives don't like to believe that one day in the future they'll wake up living with a controlling judgemental bully. That nice guy they married has changed into a verbally abusive nasty liitle man who for some reason is fixated with the past. Her history is her private business...... I'm sure he has a history too. But of course he's a man so same old double standard non sense.

15 years ago FFS. I mean unless she told him lies about her past. That she had no previous partners... But unless she lied I don't see why its an issue.