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Is this Abuse

  • 28-03-2019 11:27AM
    #1
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭


    A few months ago my Husband started to obsess about my life before him, he especially cant get over two ONS I had and since then he has attended a Therapist, we had one session with a Marriage Counsellor and he is on anti depressants. The Therapist worked with him and noted it was a deep rooted Control issue. The Marriage Counsellor said that it was before him and to move on.He said he cant get it out of his head and constantly calls me names, sends me messages about being a *lut, *hore and how badly I behaved. I have never cheated on him n our 15 years together, this was before him. We are from a small town and unfortunately he knows both of these exes. He has told our kids he is moving out, then went away to clear his head, everything went back to normal he told our oldest he is now staying but things have gone downhill the past week. I was reading up about this and I feel this is a form of abuse, am I right. I am now in the mindframe to know it isn't right, and I have asked him to move out. I need to be strong for our children. I am not happy and even though I love him I think there has been too much said.


«13

Comments

  • #2
    Johnnyhpipe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 743 ✭✭✭Johnnyhpipe


    Yes.


  • #3
    TheIronyMaiden
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 188 ✭✭TheIronyMaiden


    Wasn't going to post until I saw he has gotten the kids involved in his mess - this is obviously grossly unfair on you but equally so on the kids. None of you deserve to be messed around like that. I think as you said you need to be strong for both yourself and your kids and tell him to leave.
    Goes without saying that what you have done in your past is of absolutely no concern to your husband. Cannot believe he is calling you names like that, so sorry you have to deal with that crap.


  • #4
    punisher5112
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,519 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    You need to get away from that.

    What a nut.

    Did he only find out your past or was he actually always like this.

    Very very strange.


  • #5
    FishOnABike
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,895 ✭✭✭FishOnABike


    I think anyone would consider that name calling and the attitude behind it to be emotional abuse.

    His obsession about your past and extreme attitude might indicate he could benefit from some counselling himself apart from any joint marriage counselling you have both gone to.


  • #6
    tea and coffee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,877 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    100%
    It's none of his business what you did before you got together.
    Strange how it's only in last few months given you're together 15 years. Anything that might have prompted it? If not, is it possible he having an affair and is projecting onto you?
    Either way, it is abusive.


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  • #7
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,810 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Hi OP,

    This has excuse written all over it. 15 years in and he's only just upset that you slept with someone else before you met - sorry I'm just not buying it!

    I also don't see how this conversation even comes about - if my missus said to me "you know johnny down the road, well I banged him 15 years ago" my only thoughts would be - "why are you telling me this now"? closely followed by "so what"?


  • #8
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.


  • #9
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    Thanks for replies. I just wanted to make sure it is abuse as when I said it / labelled it he went mad.


  • #10
    amcalester
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,097 ✭✭✭amcalester


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

    No reason why you should regret a ONS or a kiss or anything.

    I wonder if he’s done something he shouldn’t have and is now trying to set it up so you’re also at fault, so when the big reveal happens you both have something to apologize for.

    Not that you actually do, obviously.


  • #11
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    I don't know, I don't feel he has cheated I think it is a mixture of control issues and depression. I dont want to walk away but cant cope with the treatment I'm getting any more.


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  • #12
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

    Why would you regret it? You don't owe him an apology for having a life before you met him.

    He's being absolutely unreasonable and extremely abusive. He's also being manipulative because there is literally nothing you can do to undo the past, its done, and he has known these facts for years. No amount of arguing it will make it cease to have happened.
    If its such an issue for him (unnecessarily so) then he should have cut ties with you 15yrs ago, instead of marrying you and having kids.

    He is trying to shame you by bringing the children into it - more abuse.
    I'd also be questioning his own faithfulness seeing as this is suddenly a huge issue for him. He could be projecting to hide his own cheating.

    Either way it sounds toxic, he has no respect for you and you don't deserve this. It sounds like a horrible environment to live in and unless he agrees to either let it go, or try to let it go, there is no point continuing with your marriage.


  • #13
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    Thank you. I don't think he will let it go so I have to end the marriage, it is hard but I've now had enough.


  • #14
    Pauliedragon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,607 ✭✭✭Pauliedragon


    Does he not have any sexual past?


  • #15
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    Yes an odd kiss/fumble, a LTR but no ONS


  • #16
    punisher5112
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,519 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Op I feel for you but I'm worried more so that you have to ask is this abuse.

    I would not dream of talking to another person never mind my girlfriend or wife as she is now no matter what.....

    That carry on is seriously out of control and he may well be mentally unstable which he most likely is and has been a long time.

    Were these comments milder at the start and he try with conversation of the past etc?

    When did it get abusive?

    You need to seriously get away from that and the kids otherwise they will turn out as bad or worse.


  • #17
    isthisabuse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭isthisabuse


    Yes milder at start and have gradually got worse. I asked him how he could treat me like this last night and he replied asking did I want a medal for sleeping around. I didn't go any further than that as it would just get worse and not able for the insults anymore.


  • #18
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    Bizarre attitude and to be obsessing on it 15 years later is very odd. I would be concerned for his mental health and strongly suggest you are very careful for your own safety as this sounds like someone who could lose touch with reality entirely and snap.

    Its difficult to understand why you would entertain any negative comments about your sex life previous to meeting your husband. It was your life. Its not something that you should either be ashamed of or want a medal for IMO - its simply your life. You werent born out of an egg on your wedding day pristine and pure waiting to walk up to the altar.

    And nor was he. He seems to be very hung up on sex as being a bad and nasty activity to be engaged in. Very worrying thoughts for an adult man tbh.

    I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

    I would suggest that rather than a therapist and a marriage counseller he needs psychiatric help as he is not in touch with reality.


  • #19
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    He sounds like a poisonous bitter little man. I don't know how you are putting up with this.
    I would advise you to kick him out of the house. If he isn't willing to work on HIS issue (emphasised there because it is his issue, not yours) then he clearly isn't interested in saving your marriage either.
    Which means you are both living in a toxic environment for no good reason. He needs to go.


  • #20
    SoundsRight
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 408 ✭✭SoundsRight


    No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.


  • #21
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ....... wrote: »
    Bizarre attitude and to be obsessing on it 15 years later is very odd. I would be concerned for his mental health and strongly suggest you are very careful for your own safety as this sounds like someone who could lose touch with reality entirely and snap.

    Its difficult to understand why you would entertain any negative comments about your sex life previous to meeting your husband. It was your life. Its not something that you should either be ashamed of or want a medal for IMO - its simply your life. You werent born out of an egg on your wedding day pristine and pure waiting to walk up to the altar.

    And nor was he. He seems to be very hung up on sex as being a bad and nasty activity to be engaged in. Very worrying thoughts for an adult man tbh.

    I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

    I would suggest that rather than a therapist and a marriage counseller he needs psychiatric help as he is not in touch with reality.

    100% agreed on all counts


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  • #22
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.

    Unsettling news? He's been aware of this for over 15 years. It isn't understandable. Everyone has a sexual past and she has no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about things she did before she even met him.
    He is being utterly unreasonable.

    There is nothing to "come to terms with". Jesus wept talk about victim blaming! There is no justification for how she is being treated. None.


  • #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts.

    It's not "news", he's known about it for years.
    isthisabuse wrote: »
    It often caused an issue through the years but since Nov everything has gone mad. He has asked for details of any one I ever had a kiss with. He says he can't move o from it and feels I don't regret it. I have reached a point where I can't take anymore this is no life.

    OP, think about it seriously … do you remember anything out of the ordinary that happened last October/November?

    I get that it's been an issue on an off over the years and it could just that he's (finally :rolleyes:) processing it, but a change like that could indicate there's another factor you're not aware of.

    Either way, hopefully he'll feck off again to "clear his head" and you can change the locks. He does not get to ruin you and your children's lives with his insecurities and control issues.


  • #24
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    ....... wrote: »
    I think you would be best off out of this marriage because I genuinely feel that someone who is being this irrational has a very very serious underlying problem and there is no telling where this could go.

    100% agree with this. There is something very wrong here and he does not sound stable.

    He's giving you abuse and calling you a slut based upon a sexual history he has:
    1) contrived in his own mind
    2) has become obsessed with
    3) has no business knowing anyway

    This is irrational and quite disturbing imho. I don't thknk anything you can tell him will be enough. Even if you said you slept with 40 men and gave him all the details it sounds like he would still think there were more.

    This is abuse, and he sounds mentally unstable. You need to get out of this situation and take it from there.

    Good luck OP x


  • #25
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,908 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Deleted User wrote: »
    It's not "news", he's known about it for years.

    Nor is it "unsettling". Jesus Christ, what a weird attitude to have towards perfectly natural human behaviour.

    OP, I can only echo what others have said here, particularly around being concerned for your safety while your husband is in this spiral. Unfortunately we have seen many times where this level of controlling behaviour can lead. Mind yourself and good luck.


  • #26
    SoundsRight
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 408 ✭✭SoundsRight


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    Unsettling news? He's been aware of this for over 15 years. It isn't understandable. Everyone has a sexual past and she has no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about things she did before she even met him.
    He is being utterly unreasonable.

    There is nothing to "come to terms with". Jesus wept talk about victim blaming! There is no justification for how she is being treated. None.

    Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.


  • #27
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

    "The sort that would have a one night stand", what is that supposed to imply?

    The fact that she had sex before she met him does not give him the right to use it against her at his own discretion for the rest of their married life.
    It isn't a get of of jail free card to be abusive towards her.
    And he is being extremely manipulative by involving their children.

    And he is a total hypocrite, because it not like he was a virgin on their wedding day.

    She has done nothing wrong and if he cannot deal with it, that is on HIM.
    Not OP. She has no responsibility for his absurd behaviour.


  • #28
    amcalester
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,097 ✭✭✭amcalester


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

    Its the father who is struggling to deal with the past, not the parents so any impact on the children is down to him making an issue where none exists.


  • #29
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    Husbands don't like to think of their wife as being the sort that would have a one night stand. Doesnt matter how long he's had to process the details, it can still be very raw. He's seeing professionals to help, so clearly he wants to move on from this. Would seem very harsh to punish the children because their parents struggle to deal with the past.

    So he should be able to verbally abuse his wife and call her a slut because he is finding hard to accept that she was sexually active prior to meeting him? This is dark ages stuff.

    She didn't do anything wrong. And even if he has a problem with that, what is she supposed to do about it? Get in a time machine?

    He shouldn't even need to see professionals to help with this, which suggests there is something very wrong with him, but even if he is, he's involved the kids and threatened to walk out and is behaving in a very unstable and unnerving way. The OP doesn't have to put up with that because of his atavistic ego.

    OP, it doesn't really matter WHY he is acting like this. At the end of the day he is abusing you and he sounds unstable and irrational.
    I'd encourage you to contact Women's Aid for advice if you are concerned about how he would react to you calling time on the relationship. I'm not being alarmist here - it really sounds like he has control issues and there is something really not right. His reaction to this "issue" is completely disproportionate.

    Please mind yourself xxx


  • #30
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,810 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    SoundsRight wrote: »
    No, I don't think this is abuse. He's struggling to cope with some unsettling news, so it's understandavle that he would be out of sorts. Work through it, and he will eventually come to terms with your past.


    Sounds wrong, soundsright!

    He's being a twat, he has absolutely nothing to come to terms with. Why in the name of jaysus should this woman "regret" sleeping with someone else.

    He needs to grow the hell up, this is no way for a grown man to behave - you'd give a teenager a slap for carrying on like that!


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  • #31
    shenanagans
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 896 ✭✭✭shenanagans


    isthisabuse wrote: »
    A few months ago my Husband started to obsess about my life before him, he especially cant get over two ONS I had and since then he has attended a Therapist, we had one session with a Marriage Counsellor and he is on anti depressants. The Therapist worked with him and noted it was a deep rooted Control issue. The Marriage Counsellor said that it was before him and to move on.He said he cant get it out of his head and constantly calls me names, sends me messages about being a *lut, *hore and how badly I behaved. I have never cheated on him n our 15 years together, this was before him. We are from a small town and unfortunately he knows both of these exes. He has told our kids he is moving out, then went away to clear his head, everything went back to normal he told our oldest he is now staying but things have gone downhill the past week. I was reading up about this and I feel this is a form of abuse, am I right. I am now in the mindframe to know it isn't right, and I have asked him to move out. I need to be strong for our children. I am not happy and even though I love him I think there has been too much said.

    Yes it's Abuse.

    No you shouldn't tolerate it. It's a bad example for your kids if nothing else.

    Pack his bag. Kick him out for a few weeks at least. Tell him to sort himself out. Get help etc. Avoid contact in the mean time. Let him get a feel for what life would be like without you. He may realise very quickly what he has got in you and your lives together.

    Give it another go after some time has passed if you love him and he makes a effort to address his issues.

    Otherwise, life's too short it be someone else's pushbag.... Emotionally speaking. Your worth more than that.

    Its hard to hear and sad to acknowledge but history repeats itself. If your kids live with a controlling nasty bully that emotionally abuses their mum...... What will they see as normal.... What will they turn out like..... Will your son/daughter bully and control their partners in future. You can to say no they won't..... But if that's all they know and see..... History does have a habit of repeating itself.... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

    Do it for your kids.


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