Scared to travel that far with inlaws

ShaShaBear · 21-03-2019 01:26PM

To be absolutely honest, your husband sounds like a domineering bully and quite possibly a Mama's Boy (from what you've said regarding his mother interfering when he wants to do something and you want him to do something else).

I am 32 years of age and in two weeks time, my husband and I are taking our two kids aged 4 and 3 to the UK on a plane. Their first "holiday". I'm already nervous and anxious about managing all the travel documents, navigating security (my eldest girl would be very sensitive and find a packed airport, queues of people and machines bleeping a bit much). My husband gives 100% of himself to helping with my girls and we've travelled quite a bit ourselves and have been to the UK loads (I was actually born there), and I'm still racked with worry.

Honesty, your situation has ME in the sweats. I absolutely, totally would not go either. Being stuck in a strange country around people who bully you while you try to manage a cranky toddler in the heat they are not accustomed to and worrying about your condition sounds like an absolute waste of what I'm sure was quite a lot of money. Your husband has some bloody neck on him telling you not to ruin this for him. Because it sounds like he's pretty much ruined it for you!

Neyite · 21-03-2019 01:31PM

But that's why I haven't brought it up to him since because his response was very clear at the time that he said this was his holiday and that he didn't want me ruining it on him by not wanting to go.

You've tried to talk to him and this is his parting shot. Based on that, I'd pull out of the trip. Anything you ask him to do - take the baby for an hour on the plane, doing any of the child related stuff will be 'you ruining it on him' if you get ill or have a seizure there you'll be 'ruining it on him'

Fcuk that. He wants a three-week trip of a lifetime without even once considering that time zone changes mean that for the best part of the first week you'll be struggling with a child on Irish time and trying to get him/her to some normal sleep time, you have no idea what kind of house you are staying at - is it even suitable or safe for a toddler? You have no idea who he's living with. You have no idea if they even know that 4 adults and a toddler are descending on them for three weeks. They appear to have no firm plans as to what kind of things they'll want to do during their stay - even eating out usually clashes with a child's bedtime and it's all very well to say just bring her in a buggy but then they are pissed off when a cranky and exhausted child is roaring the place down. Can't win.

So yeah, I'd bow out because none of them are likely to help you out at all with a toddler in strange or unsafe surroundings. I'd just say "Husband, I've decided not to go to OZ with you all. I was not given enough information before the booking and since then I've realised it's not a holiday suitable for a toddler." If he disputes it, ask him loads of questions like does his brothers house have stairs, pool, childproofing? what is there for toddler to enjoy? He won't have the answers or if he does they won't be the right ones so that bolsters up your argument.

wiggle16 · 21-03-2019 02:16PM

Neyite wrote: »

. Anything you ask him to do - take the baby for an hour on the plane, doing any of the child related stuff will be 'you ruining it on him' if you get ill or have a seizure there you'll be 'ruining it on him'
[....]
So yeah, I'd bow out because none of them are likely to help you out at all with a toddler in strange or unsafe surroundings. I'd just say "Husband, I've decided not to go to OZ with you all. I was not given enough information before the booking and since then I've realised it's not a holiday suitable for a toddler." If he disputes it, ask him loads of questions like does his brothers house have stairs, pool, childproofing? what is there for toddler to enjoy? He won't have the answers or if he does they won't be the right ones so that bolsters up your argument.

Agreed!

morebabies · 21-03-2019 03:15PM

OK, I mightn't be popular for my opinion, but... I know personally how hard it is to stand up to a domineering member of the family who, in your case, cannot see the effort you will have to put in to make the trip possible.
In an ideal world, telling the mother-in-law you don't want to go would be the thing to do, but in reality, you are tied to that family for life (hopefully), and things could become very tense and awkward, particularly if your husband will side with his mother over you. If you pull out now they will probably never let you forget it, and relations between you and your husband /in-laws will be strained for the foreseeable future. That's the reality if you tell them now that you don't want to go.
So... I would be as prepared as you can be for the holiday with meds for yourself, and maybe find out about child/family friendly activities near to where you'll be staying. I would grit my teeth and just plough through the "holiday", and then just make sure you never get yourself put in such a situation again. Have your excuses ready, smile pleasantly, and just try and protect yourself from being put in a corner like this again. They probably will put you in awkward situations again, but just prepare yourself better to refuse with legitimate excuses, and in the future show them that no means no, but for now, I would just plough through the 3 weeks and put it down to experience. Maybe fake a few headaches while you're over there so the in-laws babysit for a while and you relax.

lulu1 · 21-03-2019 08:17PM

Op I would try and put my fears to one side and go but make it clear to your husband that you wont stay with strangers.

In saying all this I do feel your husband should take your feelings on board in the first place and not rushed you into making a decision.

Pauliedragon · 21-03-2019 08:41PM

FuNKy102 wrote: »

.

Yes I know what you mean and I agree 100% I wouldn't bring up any of those things because I get on very well with his brother and I like seeing him too when he's over. Do t get me wrong I'd love to go just not for as long maybe and It's just the meds and seizures I'm worried about esp being over there I'd feel like I'm out of safe zone it's daft but true and I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of journey yet! We have a Toddler.

OP I used to live in Australia and have epilepsy. If its any comfort the health system over there is very efficient compared to ours. Which part are you going to? Your other concerns I can't speak for but I can promise you I'd rather have a seizure over there than here and I've experienced both. Have a letter from your doc and enough meds for the trip and medically you'll be fine.

MissShihTzu · 22-03-2019 11:12AM

I can see both sides here TBH. The way I see it, the flights have been booked without my input so I'm taking every opportunity to work this to my advantage!!

OP - I have a long term condition. It has never stopped me from going anywhere I want to go. You should be able to manage this. Talk to your GP. Get a copy of your prescription and a letter from the doctor. Take that with you. Take enough meds to last you a month and pack those in the hand luggage. Get decent travel insurance - one that includes repatriation if necessary. (Hopefully, you will never need it!) Have a chat about the baby too and make sure everything is in place to make the journey as comfortable as possible. Get ear defenders and ear plugs for the little one. Take some of her favourite toys, perhaps a blanky if she has one and books - anything to make a 27 hour trip a little more bearable.

Regarding the husband - he sounds a little immature to me. This is his holiday? OK - it's mine too! Get an Air BnB. I would not be staying in a house with a virtual stranger and two complete strangers for 3 weeks. I wouldn't worry about the BiL if he doesn't fancy going anywhere you want to go - You go and enjoy yourself! This is an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity, and I would take full advantage of it. You've been dropped in it by your husband so turn everything you can to your advantage.

I would also be having a chat with Hubby Dearest. Sit down when all this blows over and tell him what you want. Don't allow yourself to be bulldozed over like this again. Get support from your family and friends if you need to. He has to take his share of the house and childcare duties. You're his wife - Not his bloody maid!!

I hope it works out for you.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-03-2019 11:43AM

OP, you do need to consider that Australia, although very far away is still a developed country. Children live there! Families visit there all the time. So it is as set up for children as here is. As already mentioned, look into things. Look in to what you can see and do while there. Make plans with your husband. Wherever you're going to, maybe look around and see can you travel to somewhere else for a few days just the 3 of you. Talk to him about what his expectations are for this trip. Does he see it as primarily a family holiday for the 3 of you, where he will also see his brother. Or does he see it as a trip primarily to go see and spend time with his brother, that his wife and toddler just happen to be coming along on too. What does he hope to do on the trip and where do you and the toddler fit in to that? If he plans on going out most evenings, would he like you to come along? Does he plan on going out with his family (brother and parents?) without the toddler?

It can be done. It's not an impossible task. Plenty of people go to Australia to see family, and plenty of them bring small children - but you need to know are you going on this holiday as a family, or are you effectively going as a single parent? It's is a lot of money, and it is a long way to go to be left to fend for yourself.

FuNKy102 · 22-03-2019 02:18PM

Hi thanks for the feed back I wi just have to have a long hard think about it Tbh.

My parents in law although they are quite old Foster teenagers and I asked her a while back would she not bring them and she said she could if she wanted but that she doesn't think it would be because it's too far of a trip on them and my husband has other sibling also so a while ago I decided to speak to my sister in law as they have other kids aswel one whom is near the same age as my own child and ask her would she consider going and she said no that it is too far for them at the moment and that she wss thinking of going out herself in a years time for a week without kids just to visit him and why didn't we go then so it's really hard because it's not a case that this is a visit where all the family are together because ethey might not get to go again it's more of a case that his parents are just going out to visit him and asked us and my husband jumped to it straight away and I feel like the only reason I'm going is so that he hasnt a guilty conscious by going without us!

It's just very hard to know what yo do tbh

Tiddlypeeps · 22-03-2019 03:26PM

You and your partner really need to figure out how to communicate with each other. This trip sounds like the least of your worries, how poorly you are both communicating your feelings around this to each other is indicative of a much bigger problem, one that is only going to get worse as time goes on if not tackled. I'd second what another poster said about couples counselling to help you figure out how to actually communicate with each other. If you can't figure out how to make him actually hear your concerns and if he can't figure out how to get his feeling across without sounding like a petulant child your relationship is going to be a very rocky road that will struggle to go the distance, double so with a child involved.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-03-2019 03:45PM

OP, I'm not sure what to advise you other than what has been said. It is clear from all your posts that you really really don't want to go on this holiday. And I think even the suggestions of how to make the most of it are not going to make a bit of difference to you.

I think rather than advising you on how to go on the holiday, advice on how you tell your husband you're not going would be more appropriate. I think whatever happens, whatever provisions are put in place, you are just not going to be happy going. If it plays out as you think it will with you doing all the minding of your child and your husband enjoying a 3 week "trip of a lifetime" then I can see why you're reluctant.

You and your husband do need to find a way to communicate with each other, as mentioned above. Because there will be many more times where things will need to be discussed and plans/compromises made.

SirChenjin · 23-03-2019 12:06AM

wiggle16 wrote: »

I've my foot in both camps here. While it's a great opportunity, I don't blame you at all with how you feel though and I wouldn't be happy to go. It's not the trip of a lifetime if you don't want to go.

Put your foot down with him about accommodation. The idea of couch surfing for three weeks is ridiculous, never mind with a toddler in a house with two strangers (three really, i assume you don't know your brother in law well either). And with your husband and in laws in close proximity for that long it's a recipe for a row/falling out. Ridiculous, OTT situation.

Tell him if you're going you are not going under the current terms - you'll need to find accommodation nearby that's suitable for a toddler. Full stop.

I got annoyed for you reading your post, if I'd a partner like that I'd give him a clatter. Saying that you'd be "ruining" his trip, he's carrying on like a brat.

I think as a parallel issue you need to have a sit down with your partner and make it clear exactly how you feel and how juvenile his behaviour is. I think he sounds very immature and selfish, bringing it up in front of your MIL to pressure you into going is a massive issue.
If it were me, I would be sitting him down and making the following things extremely clear to him:
- you do not decide to do things like this without consulting me
- you do not make decisions for me
- your mother certainly does not make decisions for me
- you do not dismiss me to please your mother
- you do not put pressure on me to fall into line when we disagree

Be calm and reasonable about it, but he needs to know how you feel. If he can't acknowledge all of the above then you have a bigger problem than this trip tbh.

+1 to all of this post.

OP, there is so much more to this than the proposed trip.

Anyway, if it is going to be a case of you wrangling a small child, on your own, for three weeks, in unfamiliar surroundings, then 'a trip of a lifetime' or a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' it ain't. And where exactly does the BIL live. Not asking you that, but, just if it is in the arsehole of nowhere, well then...

Time for some serious conversation to be had. Minus the in-laws.

Whereisgerry? · 23-03-2019 01:30AM

Hi OP,

I don't post on boards much but your story reminded me of a dilemma that I had a few years ago.

Firstly, I recognise that Oz wouldn't be an easy trip for you with a toddler, health worries and relationship issues but I think that you could make it work. You will definitely need to set some ground rules with your other half but I think that if you could find your own place to stay that you might actually enjoy it.

I'm also not standing up for your other half as he sounds like he is a handful but he seems very excited about the trip and who could blame him.

I have 3 children who were all under 6 at the time of my trip. I ended up lugging all 3 children across most of Asia (8 weeks) & the US (2 weeks) due to my husbands job. My choice was to stay at home alone for 10 weeks or to pack up and go along for the ride! My first reaction was pure horror - how would I manage the flights? Where would we stay? Did we need vaccines? What if someone got sick? How would I manage if I stayed at home alone? The list went on...

Anyway, after a lot of panic and a bit of research I decided to go and it was the best decision that I have ever made. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Let me also point out that I'm not one of these gung-ho mothers who would go anywhere - I'm definitely not - I stress about everything. My husband worked a lot while we were away but we used the evenings and weekends wisely.

You have one small child, I know it seems scary but you can totally do this. Australia is an amazing place. You will love it. Don't pass up a chance like this because its unfamiliar ground. I don't think that you would regret going. But you might regret not going...

shamrock55 · 23-03-2019 01:35AM

For christ sake you are not a child, if you don't want to go don't, tell your husband, no need to even speak about it to your in laws it's none of their business

corklily05 · 23-03-2019 10:12AM

Hi OP,
From reading all the posts, all concerns have been covered at this stage. For you to go on this trip, and enjoy it, you need to go with peace of mind and all of your concerns need to be addressed with your husband.

Firstly, you cannot be a babysitter for 3 weeks while your husband has the time of his life. You're clearly outnumbered (or feel outnumbered) on this holiday and it seems like you've nobody to fall back on - you need to address this by coming to some agreement on his share of the babysitting.

Secondly, as other posters have said, australia is a very developed country but, as you have concerns about your meds, all of this needs to be sorted out before you go. Do you need to bring enough meds for 3 weeks? What do you need to do to get a prescription over there? etc..

Thirdly, the accommodation, this is a disaster! You don't even know if there is enough room for you all. So, you're expected to stay in a house with 3 lads, (all in their 20's and single?) who'll be out drinking, which they're entitled to do, coming in at all hours and you have a toddler. Also, your husband will want to go out drinking with them so, you can expect plenty of noise when they come back half cut from a night out. Accommodation with just the 3 of you is a must and you need to put your foot down on this. I'm married and have no kids and i'd still want my own space.

These are all red flags for me and also, it seems like you'll have nobody fighting your corner if you have any qualms with your husband over there.

For me, all of these issues would need to be addressed before you can travel, its your holiday aswell. If you're anxious about any of these things on the day of travelling, its going to cause you a lot of anxiety. You go on holiday to enjoy it and relax not to add more stress to your life. If these issues aren't addressed, i'd pull out.

Anyway, best of luck with it

shesty · 23-03-2019 07:21PM

ShaShaBear wrote: »

To be absolutely honest, your husband sounds like a domineering bully and quite possibly a Mama's Boy (from what you've said regarding his mother interfering when he wants to do something and you want him to do something else).

I am 32 years of age and in two weeks time, my husband and I are taking our two kids aged 4 and 3 to the UK on a plane. Their first "holiday". I'm already nervous and anxious about managing all the travel documents, navigating security (my eldest girl would be very sensitive and find a packed airport, queues of people and machines bleeping a bit much). My husband gives 100% of himself to helping with my girls and we've travelled quite a bit ourselves and have been to the UK loads (I was actually born there), and I'm still racked with worry.

Honesty, your situation has ME in the sweats. I absolutely, totally would not go either. Being stuck in a strange country around people who bully you while you try to manage a cranky toddler in the heat they are not accustomed to and worrying about your condition sounds like an absolute waste of what I'm sure was quite a lot of money. Your husband has some bloody neck on him telling you not to ruin this for him. Because it sounds like he's pretty much ruined it for you!

Me!!This is me, right down to the eldest child!!!It just would not be hapening.And to be honest, I would only be going on a holiday of a lifetime if I could enjoy it too....and I couldn't under those circumstances OP.

dellas1979 · 24-03-2019 12:03PM

Forget about Oz for a sec. Now is a perfect opportunity to assert yourself.

There is a lot of passiveness here on your part, and you cannot blame anyone else. That is to do with you.

A domineering MIL and a "roll over you" husband is how you are letting this play out.

And it will stay like this, forever, until you assert yourself!

If you are under pressure, learn to say "no", or "I will think about it and get back to you" and stick to it.

Learn to use your voice! Say what you want. Take control. Dont be a passenger in your life. Be the driver.

I think part of the struggle of this is you feel left out/forgotton in all this. You need to put you in the equation. Your needs are as important as them. If you are waiting for them to wake up and think "Oh how will poor Fiona/Mary manage" this will not happen. Everyone will think of their own situation. And they are not backwards in going forwards letting you know what they want. Time for you to speak up with what you want.

KevinCavan · 24-03-2019 12:06PM

From experience I’d say fly with in-laws, spend max a weekend with them and do your own “exploring” of Australia without them. Limit your time with them.Never s good idea to get too close to your in-laws.

FuNKy102 · 24-03-2019 02:33PM

Iv given alot of thought about this since I have first posted on here in fact I have have being giving alot of thought a bout this for sometime even before I needed advise.

And I'm not going to go! It's basically as simple as that. Iv weighted up the pros and cons and Tbh iv had more cons then Pros.

It's not just a case of my meds or being left out or being stuck with in laws and stranger for 3 weeks over there it's a case that I don't think this is the right time for me or my child to be travelling that far across the world at the minute.

I know it can be done but I also know that when your heart isn't fully into something there's no point in trying to pretend like it is just because others want it to be.

Yes I feel I was pressurised to some extend with him and my mother in law before I even really got to sit down and talk with him and be realistic about everything. But I also am most definitely not blaming him for me not wanting to go deep down I should have spoke up thats my own fault for not doing so.

Some may think I'm being selfish and some people may think I am not. But the truth is I'm just thinking of me and my child and given the fact that my OH doesn't really know how to do that at the best of time some one has to.

Its not something that I am going to just land on them out of the blue. I am going think carefully before I act on this and sit him down again and explain my case whether it is something he does or doesn't want to hear it all needs to be said.

We are nit supposed to be going till August so it is not Tbh like I am backing out a week before the trip I am giving them all plenty of notice beforehand. I will speak to him and then I will inform my mother in law. She may not like to hear the truth but to be honest I would prefer to have a clear mind then going around panicking with this in the back of my head for the next 5 months.
We have travel insurance taken out which I suppose is one reassuring thing.

I am nit going to prevent my husband for going jf he wants to see his brother that is okay he can go see his brother with his parents that is his choice but that's his decision to make not mine.

I will travel over that far when my child is abit older and more aware and the pressure has eased more so but nit yet I just cant and I think that's really the way I feel and its going to be hard trying to tell them because thats when the guilt trips will start happening but I'm just going to have t be firm about this one and stand my ground because this is a major thing to me and that's just I guess the way it is.

Thanks all for the advise it's much appreciated ðŸ‘

Big Bag of Chips · 24-03-2019 03:09PM

Don't let your husband, or in-laws turn this into an argument. State you case clearly. Your husband will probably try rise you with your "ruining" it for him. Tell him you have no intention of ruining it for anyone and that you have no problem with him going and enjoying the trip of a lifetime with his parents and brother, but that bringing a toddler along on it would seriously curtail that and you don't want to be over there hearing that you're "ruining" it for him by asking him to stay in with you and the child instead of going out with his brother.

If you remain calm and reasoned, then he can't argue with you. He can try. But it is very difficult to argue with someone who stays perfectly calm!!

Caranica · 24-03-2019 05:37PM

FuNKy102 wrote: »

We have travel insurance taken out which I suppose is one reassuring thing.

Not sure what you mean by that. Change of mind isn't covered by insurance so it looks like someone will be out of pocket for your flights.

OP I think this holiday isn't your biggest problem, you need to talk to your husband about equal marriage. You are both parents, not just you. Your husband needs to start sharing the responsibilities.

tara73 · 25-03-2019 12:55PM

I'm so happy for you you made this decision. To go on this trip would be pure madness regarding all the things which were covered already like your illness, the small child, living situation, your unsopportive husband and mother in law.

and it starts even with the flight nobody took into consideration. I presume they booked a nonstop flight, means no day in Dubai stopover to adapt to time difference or get enough sleep. So your overall travel time (with presumably some hours waiting for connecting flight) will be close to 30 hours, you will not get much sleep on the planes, maybe nothing at all, the child will probably not sleep very well either.

then you arrive and you have up to 10hours! time difference. the jetlag in combination with sleep deprivation is horrible. even when young, and without an illness like yours, a small child, useless husband, it's hard to take for the body and soul, I thought I'm actually going insane and I know friends who felt the same.

also, I think the point 'it's your lifetime opportunity' doesn't make any sense. It sounds like a saying from the 50's in this case. We have 2019, you can book a flight to Australia on the internet in the next five minutes, going the next days. From Dubai there's at least a flight per day to Perth,Melbourne or Sydney.
There's every chance in the world to go in a few years when the child is older if you still wish.

Also I think, this whole travel dilemma is just a 'side story' to the much bigger dilemma your in: your husband and the mother in law, your own inabilty to stand up for yourself. I think you have a long and not very pleasant journey ahead of you to get out of this, but believe me, it's worth all the pain to get out of this. otherwise you'll be a push around all your life for your husband and your inlaws.

Chocolate fiend · 27-03-2019 06:22AM

I know you have decided not to go but just as someone who is in Australia and who came here with 3 small children, this is a great country for kids, even visiting kids. The playgrounds and parks and just the general welcome that children get is great. You would really enjoy it here with one toddler because there are so many free things to do.
Three weeks would be the perfect amount of time, any less and you would not even be over the jetlag.

This post seemed to be less about the trip though and a lot more about how unhelpful your husband is, great that he is PLANNING on being better, maybe he should just actually be better.

Scared to travel that far with inlaws

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