I don’t like my sister and her husband - I want to say something

I’m not sure where to start but here goes.

I don’t like my sister very much. She thinks we are very close but I’ve always found her overbearing. She has a hair-trigger temper (you only need to lightly criticise her for her to bear her teeth at you like a dog. Seriously, actually grit her teeth at you). Her only modes of interaction towards pretty much everyone is either lecturing them, patronising them or mocking them and she has a supercilious attitude. She goes into every situation thinking that she and her husband are the smartest people in the room. I want to say to her that no grown adult enjoys being patronised or lectured to but I think it would fall on deaf ears. There’s very little warmth to her as she is too busy judging people and patronising them. But yet has little sense of humour about herself. She is also very, very loud. And she turns her temper on her husband just as quick as anyone else. She has been openly emotionally abuse towards him in public in front of all his friends. I won’t give more detail there as it might identify her.

I used to wonder if I was just being oversensitive. But events in the last few years have clarified for me that I’m not imagining things and that others find her very objectionable too. Planning her hen party was a nightmare. It was difficult to gather a ragtag group of people together for it. There were tonnes of declines and those that came could not have been less enthused. And she had kept it simple, just a night out, to boost attendance. When the wedding came around, her husband’s invites had a good uptake whereas a lot of her invitees RSVPed No. A lot. She actually begged a couple of people to go who had RSVPed No. Rang them up and pleaded with them to go, she’d had so many declines. My husband cannot stand her and limits his interactions with her as much as possible. My friends all dislike her. All my husband’s friends. My husband’s parents. The list goes on and on. People just very quickly take against her. I wish I was exaggerating here but I’m not.

So that’s her. Her husband does a lot better socially. He has a good gang of friends. He’s a bit more warm and personable.

I guess my problems with him might be on my end. There’s a personality clash there. I’m one of these people who cannot fake laughter at things I don’t find funny. I just can’t do it. If I did it, it would come across so fake. And he tells a lot of jokes that I don’t find funny. So in their company, I come across as rude towards him because his main mode is trying to make quippy, clever jokes that usually don’t land and my options are to either fake-laugh or just smile politely. He’s also a complete joke-topper. When someone else says something funny, he’s in there trying to top it. And he shares a trait with my sister in that much of his joking stems from mocking people. My husband barely talks in their company because he said pretty much anything you say to them is likely to be picked apart so he just can’t be bothered.

As a unit, he and my sister come across like nitpicky know-it-alls. They are tied to their phones, trying to prove you wrong if you are disagreeing with them about something. They don’t seem to understand the art of conversation and that being right doesn’t always matter. They frequently argue with each other in front of people. Basically, they are never relaxing company to be around. Never. My sister is just not really a good person and her husband, whilst a bit better, is also someone I’d never choose to spend time with if I wasn’t related.

So, I suppose I should get to the point. I was at their house last night. We were disagreeing about something. I’m no angel in this regard. I do like to be right too. But I eventually conceded that I didn’t know enough about the topic and we moved on. I thought. Five minutes later, bro-in-law is waving his phone at me going “See! See!”. So I lost the rag as it was late and I was tired after an evening of fielding unfunny quips and teeth-gritting and generally being made to feel stupid. I yelled at him. So my sister told me to leave, telling me that I’m never any less-than-rude to her husband. That’s pretty much true but I can’t help it if I don’t find his many, many jokes funny. Anyway, her telling me to leave was totally fair enough. It’s their home. So I left promptly and was glad to.

There is clearly an issue here. There have been a lot of these arguments over the years. The dislike of pretty much all my friends, in-laws and my husband towards my sister causes me a lot of strain. I wish to god she would just cop on a bit and then I wouldn’t have to keep her separate from all those people. (I’ve had people cancel things on me when they hear that she’s going to be there. Happens all the time) But I’ve tried to address some of her issues before and she won’t hear of it. It’s always everyone else’s fault.

I want to say something to them. Something has to change here. I realise I can’t change them as people. I know that. But I don’t really want to spend any time with them and I want them to know why. How do I do this? These are people I would never choose to spend time with if they weren’t related. I hate that I have to just for that reason.

This wouldn’t be such an issue if my sister didn’t clearly have some vision that we should be double-dating with our husbands frequently and should all be besties. She is always trying to plan things and won’t take the hint. Sorry sis, my husband doesn’t like hanging around with a loudmouth who goes out of her way to make people feel stupid. That’s not a fun time. And for me, sitting there politely smiling at crap jokes made by someone who also makes people feel stupid - also not a good time.

I’m just fed up of this dynamic. It’s causing me strain.

And I’d just like to say that I’m painfully aware that I’m flawed human being myself. But, you know what? I have a good gaggle of friends, get on well with my in-laws and all my husband’s friends. I’m clearly doing okay. I know that I play a part in the fractious relationship I have with my sister and my brother-in-law. But I sort of don’t need them in my life and don’t depend on them in any way at all. I want to loosen the ties. How do I do this?