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I don’t like my sister and her husband - I want to say something

LegacyUser

I’m not sure where to start but here goes.

I don’t like my sister very much. She thinks we are very close but I’ve always found her overbearing. She has a hair-trigger temper (you only need to lightly criticise her for her to bear her teeth at you like a dog. Seriously, actually grit her teeth at you). Her only modes of interaction towards pretty much everyone is either lecturing them, patronising them or mocking them and she has a supercilious attitude. She goes into every situation thinking that she and her husband are the smartest people in the room. I want to say to her that no grown adult enjoys being patronised or lectured to but I think it would fall on deaf ears. There’s very little warmth to her as she is too busy judging people and patronising them. But yet has little sense of humour about herself. She is also very, very loud. And she turns her temper on her husband just as quick as anyone else. She has been openly emotionally abuse towards him in public in front of all his friends. I won’t give more detail there as it might identify her.

I used to wonder if I was just being oversensitive. But events in the last few years have clarified for me that I’m not imagining things and that others find her very objectionable too. Planning her hen party was a nightmare. It was difficult to gather a ragtag group of people together for it. There were tonnes of declines and those that came could not have been less enthused. And she had kept it simple, just a night out, to boost attendance. When the wedding came around, her husband’s invites had a good uptake whereas a lot of her invitees RSVPed No. A lot. She actually begged a couple of people to go who had RSVPed No. Rang them up and pleaded with them to go, she’d had so many declines. My husband cannot stand her and limits his interactions with her as much as possible. My friends all dislike her. All my husband’s friends. My husband’s parents. The list goes on and on. People just very quickly take against her. I wish I was exaggerating here but I’m not.

So that’s her. Her husband does a lot better socially. He has a good gang of friends. He’s a bit more warm and personable.

I guess my problems with him might be on my end. There’s a personality clash there. I’m one of these people who cannot fake laughter at things I don’t find funny. I just can’t do it. If I did it, it would come across so fake. And he tells a lot of jokes that I don’t find funny. So in their company, I come across as rude towards him because his main mode is trying to make quippy, clever jokes that usually don’t land and my options are to either fake-laugh or just smile politely. He’s also a complete joke-topper. When someone else says something funny, he’s in there trying to top it. And he shares a trait with my sister in that much of his joking stems from mocking people. My husband barely talks in their company because he said pretty much anything you say to them is likely to be picked apart so he just can’t be bothered.

As a unit, he and my sister come across like nitpicky know-it-alls. They are tied to their phones, trying to prove you wrong if you are disagreeing with them about something. They don’t seem to understand the art of conversation and that being right doesn’t always matter. They frequently argue with each other in front of people. Basically, they are never relaxing company to be around. Never. My sister is just not really a good person and her husband, whilst a bit better, is also someone I’d never choose to spend time with if I wasn’t related.

So, I suppose I should get to the point. I was at their house last night. We were disagreeing about something. I’m no angel in this regard. I do like to be right too. But I eventually conceded that I didn’t know enough about the topic and we moved on. I thought. Five minutes later, bro-in-law is waving his phone at me going “See! See!”. So I lost the rag as it was late and I was tired after an evening of fielding unfunny quips and teeth-gritting and generally being made to feel stupid. I yelled at him. So my sister told me to leave, telling me that I’m never any less-than-rude to her husband. That’s pretty much true but I can’t help it if I don’t find his many, many jokes funny. Anyway, her telling me to leave was totally fair enough. It’s their home. So I left promptly and was glad to.

There is clearly an issue here. There have been a lot of these arguments over the years. The dislike of pretty much all my friends, in-laws and my husband towards my sister causes me a lot of strain. I wish to god she would just cop on a bit and then I wouldn’t have to keep her separate from all those people. (I’ve had people cancel things on me when they hear that she’s going to be there. Happens all the time) But I’ve tried to address some of her issues before and she won’t hear of it. It’s always everyone else’s fault.

I want to say something to them. Something has to change here. I realise I can’t change them as people. I know that. But I don’t really want to spend any time with them and I want them to know why. How do I do this? These are people I would never choose to spend time with if they weren’t related. I hate that I have to just for that reason.

This wouldn’t be such an issue if my sister didn’t clearly have some vision that we should be double-dating with our husbands frequently and should all be besties. She is always trying to plan things and won’t take the hint. Sorry sis, my husband doesn’t like hanging around with a loudmouth who goes out of her way to make people feel stupid. That’s not a fun time. And for me, sitting there politely smiling at crap jokes made by someone who also makes people feel stupid - also not a good time.

I’m just fed up of this dynamic. It’s causing me strain.

And I’d just like to say that I’m painfully aware that I’m flawed human being myself. But, you know what? I have a good gaggle of friends, get on well with my in-laws and all my husband’s friends. I’m clearly doing okay. I know that I play a part in the fractious relationship I have with my sister and my brother-in-law. But I sort of don’t need them in my life and don’t depend on them in any way at all. I want to loosen the ties. How do I do this?

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zapper55

Saying something to her isn't going to magically make things right, it'll only make things worse.

There's a major personality clash here. And no amount of hints will work. Next time she suggests a double date

You: no I dont think that's a good idea.
Her: why not?
You: I think we are all very different people and I really do not enjoy the tension that happens every time we meet. I've tried my
best but this situation is not good for any of us.
Her: either completely denys it and you can say well if you dont see it we have nothing to talk about it

Or she suggests that they'll try harder. You all meet again. As soon as there is a whiff of tension you stop and say see this is what im talking about. This is not good for any of us. We are leaving.

You dont have to have a relationship with a sibling that you find insufferable.

screamer

Say it and be done with it. A lot of people carry on as they do because no one in their family has the balls to call them on it. I find Irish family dynamics very strange, laughable even at times. Call her on it, but be prepared for the fall out. Personally I rather that than have to pretend to be ok with someone who treats me badly.

Sardonicat

You are not obliged to have her or her husband in your life.

dartboardio

Stay away then
It doesnt sound like either of you get on.

You're adults and should know if yer interactions dont make ye happy ye dont need to communicate.. Only if its a family event or whatever ye can be civil.

Why do you feel so pressured to fix the problems rather than just taking a step back and enjoying your life with your husband and the people that make you happy?

lulu1

Are your parents still alive or have you any more siblings and if so what do they make of the situation?

I would avoid her at all costs until she gets the message and if she calls you up on it i would just tell her she needs to change her attitude

lawred2

Just fu(k them off.. why do you need them in your life?

Don't bother saying anything. It won't make things any better. At all. You might think it would. But it won't. Just leave them to it.

[Deleted User]

By your own admission, you're just as much at fault as your sister.

You said yourself you don't like her and chances are she doesn't like you either. I wouldn't fault either of you for feeling that way about each other in fairness, as neither of you seem to behave like nice people based on how you describe your carry on when you're together.

You only want to say something to try to get a dig in, to make her feel like it's her fault, when in truth you *are* equally to blame. So just stop putting yourself in unnecessary social situations with each other. Do family things where you *have* to be there (funerals etc), but don't waste each others time and energy trying to act like you're a big bunch of friends.

They say you can't choose your family. I think that's a load of bollox. Even if you believe it's true, you sure as hell can choose when and where you spend time with family. Do that. Keep the bitching and confrontation out of it. Unless you're just keen on a bit of drama.

wirelessdude01

Cut her loose. I cannot stand my sister. Horrible person and treats my OH like dirt so I just cut her. Miss my nephew's something terrible as I rarely see them now but life is so much less stressful without her shadow.

GingerLily

You don't like each other, you don't get on, you need to give each other space and distance.

It sounds so very toxic betwen the two of you, does it really matter who's worse? There's two of you in it from what I see. If you want to be the bigger person then you've have to step back.

LegacyUser

JayZeus wrote: »

By your own admission, you're just as much at fault as your sister.

You said yourself you don't like her and chances are she doesn't like you either. I wouldn't fault either of you for feeling that way about each other in fairness, as neither of you seem to behave like nice people based on how you describe your carry on when you're together.

You only want to say something to try to get a dig in, to make her feel like it's her fault, when in truth you *are* equally to blame. So just stop putting yourself in unnecessary social situations with each other. Do family things where you *have* to be there (funerals etc), but don't waste each others time and energy trying to act like you're a big bunch of friends.

They say you can't choose your family. I think that's a load of bollox. Even if you believe it's true, you sure as hell can choose when and where you spend time with family. Do that. Keep the bitching and confrontation out of it. Unless you're just keen on a bit of drama.

Ah, sorry, I think I left out some important stuff from the OP. The highlighted isn’t the case. Quite the opposite. She describes me as her best friend. She is always trying to plan things with us. If she gets wind of hubs and I being, say for example, in a pub in town, she and her husband will hop in a taxi and rock up half an hour later. Without fail. We have to omit details of our plans to them regularly because if we don’t, they’ll show up uninvited. Like, we actually can’t tell them our specific plans most of the time because they will invite themselves along. We do our best to avoid them.

It is very obvious by now to my sister that my husband doesn’t like her. He’s all but said the words. But she still pushes for visits and tries too hard. He turns down all her invitations. It’s not so easy for me to turn these invitations down because they often involve people that I love like my parents.

She is just so overbearing. It’s overwhelming at times.

Totes

Hi
I think you should have an honest conversation with your sister & explain as nicely as you can that she is not your best friend & ye have little in common. As painful as that might be for her to hear, she deserves to hear it from you directly & put an end to the farce of the friendship that she thinks exists but from your posts is far from it. It’s ok that ye don’t get on but it’s not ok if she thinks the latest argument is just a row that will be forgotten rather than the real situation that ye’re not close friends & most likely will not be in the future. Put her out of her misery in terms of trying to create/maintain a relationship with you & your partner.
I wish you the best.

retro:electro

Honestly I can’t even read all of that. You started by calling her judgmental before launching into paragraph upon paragraph of judgemental critique yourself before moving on to her husband.
Why? Life is too short. If she annoys you, spend less time with her or cut her off.

LegacyUser

retro:electro wrote: »

Honestly I can’t even read all of that. You started by calling her judgmental before launching into paragraph upon paragraph of judgemental critique yourself before moving on to her husband.
Why? Life is too short. If she annoys you, spend less time with her or cut her off.

It’s kind of hard for me to explain my problems with her without outlining them, isn’t it?

I have a lot of problems with her, yes. And the above doesn’t even cover all of it. But how am I supposed to outline my problems with her without saying what those problems are?

Big Bag of Chips

What do you hope to achieve by telling her? It's not going to make things better, and indeed will only make things very much worse.

Avoid her as much as possible. You don't have to be close to her. You don't have to be in her company. I have a sister who sounds like yours and I avoid her at all costs. It is quite easy to do if you want to.

Say something if you want to, but know the most likely outcome is that she won't change. She won't apologise. But she may well avoid being around you, so in that sense it might work out. Also be aware that if you say anything she might go around telling everyone how horrible you were to her.

People know she's not a very nice person. And they steer clear of her. Just do the same. It can be done.

screamer

As I suspected most advise of just ignore her or say nothing..... I’m not surprised. I disagree. Sounds like you need to get it off your chest, so do. She may never speak to you again, but at least you’ve said what you need to, so it’s win win for you. Unfortunately we are related to some people by blood but not by choice. I prefer choice if I’m honest.

JustAThought

Leave well alone and say nothing. Ypu clearly dont like her though from your initial.post it seems that the majority justification for this is that others dont either based on her hen rsvps and wedding rsvp's. It sounds like she likes your company and seeks you out (arriving by taxi when you say you'll be somewhere) but you find her loud and overbearing and can't stand her. Be a better person and refrain from spewing this at her - it will not make your life or hers more pleasant nor do anything for your relationship. You will always be sisters - if you don't want to spend time with her then don't share your plans & engage infrequently with them. No point in poisining a family and making a toxic stance when you will always be connected and related. Be polite, dont bother with whom you think likes or dosn't like her and move.on and enjoy your life with your husband . Leave old poisons and toxic thoughts and jealousies behind you and just get on with enjoying your life without anger or bitterness or rage or hatred. Let your hatred for her go & say.nothing.

December2012

Are your parents around? Can they say something or what is their opinion?

whiskeyman

Take a wide berth.
Don't say anything.
What benefit is it to you? To clear your chest as mentioned above?
That really doesn't do anything except to possibly offend. Be the strongrt person here. Didn't you say you hate how the husband mocks people? Why mock them so? It won't help them. They are who they are. You don't like them, so don't spend time in their company if you can.

There's many siblings who don't like each other or don't get on.

[Deleted User]

screamer wrote: »

As I suspected most advise of just ignore her or say nothing..... I’m not surprised. I disagree. Sounds like you need to get it off your chest, so do. She may never speak to you again, but at least you’ve said what you need to, so it’s win win for you. Unfortunately we are related to some people by blood but not by choice. I prefer choice if I’m honest.

I agree. People get into bad habits so she may not realise what's going on.

The next three times that she says something nasty, call her out. If that doesn't bring about any improvement, just step away from socialising.

If kids are on her agenda, she'll be doing less socialising in the coming years.

.......

Saying something to her just increases the potential for drama.

Simply drift off, be busy, be unavailable.

In your current emotionally heightened state about it you simply want to lash out and hurt her. Its not worth it, it wont actually do you any good.

Be the bigger person, drift away.

keepalive213

Stay on speaking terms with them but limit your interactions to the bare minimum.
I would find it difficult to blank someone upon meeting them, but saying hello and moving on is much easier.
Limit the toxicity.
Familiarity breeds contempt

wiggle16

screamer wrote: »

As I suspected most advise of just ignore her or say nothing..... I’m not surprised. I disagree. Sounds like you need to get it off your chest, so do. She may never speak to you again, but at least you’ve said what you need to, so it’s win win for you. Unfortunately we are related to some people by blood but not by choice. I prefer choice if I’m honest.

It's not win win though. The woman sounds nasty, but why cause her upset for no reason? It's pointless and tit for tat. She obviously has absolutely no idea how she comes across, so it won't do any good to confront her, and the OP could come off looking worse in the grand scheme of things.

In spite of how she feels now, she could end up regretting falling out with her down the line, whereas she can't regret what she doesn't say.

leggo

Going against the grain a bit but I feel a bit bad for the sister. She does sound like a lot, but also she’s feeling the consequences of that with stuff like having to beg people to come to her wedding to make up the numbers. So I don’t see what saying something out of the blue would achieve but kicking someone while they’re down.

I don’t blame you for having a vent OP, you sound like you needed it and I hope putting it on paper helped, but your post did infuriate me a bit when you said all these negative things then said “I was in their house...” You’re not helping the situation or helping your sister get the hint with stuff like that. To be in her house, you have to leave your own and travel there to see her and her husband. How is that giving someone a hint that you don’t like them? I see why she thinks you’re best friends, it sounds like you’re being a bit false in pursuing a friendship then thinking all these thoughts and wanting to hurt her by putting her in her place. So you’re not perfect either. Keep that in mind before trying to upset a person who regards you as their best friend.

Distance is good. Re-framing a friendship is as easy as you want it to be. If she asks you to go out or come over to the house, make an excuse. Send actual hints for her to get. See how you feel then and go from there. If there’s a conversation about it, say in nice terms you’re taking a step back, you’ve got a good script above to work with. That’s all that needs to be done. I don’t know why you’re actively trying to hurt her. Generally if we want that it’s because someone has made us insecure and we want to take them down a peg to right the wrong in our mind, so again look at yourself here before you go attacking others.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

Wow, I can't believe the similarities between your relationship with your sister and mine (and her husband).

Over time I realised thatshe gets angry because she has her own issues, happy people don't constantly feel the need to make people feel bad. So, I just started looking at her differently, maybe even with a bit of compassion. I no longer fuel her need to argue and debate, I accept what she says but agree to differ and overall, it has made us a bit closer in a weird way. We have a calmer time together.

She still grates on me from time to time and I probably grate on her - that's families. Nothing in the world could be good about getting one up on each other so it's just about acceptance I guess.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Going against the grain a bit but I feel a bit bad for the sister. She does sound like a lot, but also she’s feeling the consequences of that with stuff like having to beg people to come to her wedding to make up the numbers. So I don’t see what saying something out of the blue would achieve but kicking someone while they’re down.

I don’t blame you for having a vent OP, you sound like you needed it and I hope putting it on paper helped, but your post did infuriate me a bit when you said all these negative things then said “I was in their house...” You’re not helping the situation or helping your sister get the hint with stuff like that. To be in her house, you have to leave your own and travel there to see her and her husband. How is that giving someone a hint that you don’t like them? I see why she thinks you’re best friends, it sounds like you’re being a bit false in pursuing a friendship then thinking all these thoughts and wanting to hurt her by putting her in her place. So you’re not perfect either. Keep that in mind before trying to upset a person who regards you as their best friend.

Distance is good. Re-framing a friendship is as easy as you want it to be. If she asks you to go out or come over to the house, make an excuse. Send actual hints for her to get. See how you feel then and go from there. If there’s a conversation about it, say in nice terms you’re taking a step back, you’ve got a good script above to work with. That’s all that needs to be done. I don’t know why you’re actively trying to hurt her. Generally if we want that it’s because someone has made us insecure and we want to take them down a peg to right the wrong in our mind, so again look at yourself here before you go attacking others.

A mutual friend who lives out of the country who I love was staying at her house. Said friend confided to me afterwards that she found my sister’s argumentative countenance difficult to be around this weekend and that she is increasingly finding her hard work.

And I left her house straight away when she told me to. Was very happy to actually. I have never lost my rag at her husband before in 15 years of knowing him.

I would love to distance myself from them but my second post in the thread outlines how difficult she makes that.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Going against the grain a bit but I feel a bit bad for the sister. She does sound like a lot, but also she’s feeling the consequences of that with stuff like having to beg people to come to her wedding to make up the numbers. So I don’t see what saying something out of the blue would achieve but kicking someone while they’re down.

I don’t blame you for having a vent OP, you sound like you needed it and I hope putting it on paper helped, but your post did infuriate me a bit when you said all these negative things then said “I was in their house...” You’re not helping the situation or helping your sister get the hint with stuff like that. To be in her house, you have to leave your own and travel there to see her and her husband. How is that giving someone a hint that you don’t like them? I see why she thinks you’re best friends, it sounds like you’re being a bit false in pursuing a friendship then thinking all these thoughts and wanting to hurt her by putting her in her place. So you’re not perfect either. Keep that in mind before trying to upset a person who regards you as their best friend.

Distance is good. Re-framing a friendship is as easy as you want it to be. If she asks you to go out or come over to the house, make an excuse. Send actual hints for her to get. See how you feel then and go from there. If there’s a conversation about it, say in nice terms you’re taking a step back, you’ve got a good script above to work with. That’s all that needs to be done. I don’t know why you’re actively trying to hurt her. Generally if we want that it’s because someone has made us insecure and we want to take them down a peg to right the wrong in our mind, so again look at yourself here before you go attacking others.

Sorry, I’m quoting your same post again. We have done this. A lot. A LOT. I have turned down so many invitations over the years and blatantly been unspecific about where we’re going out in town and whatnot. She does not give up. So that where my problem lies. Walking away is not made easy by her.

This is why I think I need to be more forthright because very obvious hints don’t work. As in, some of my replied have been ‘Um, no thanks’ with no excuse tacked on. Just ‘No thanks’. How much more blunt can I be without being hurtful?

LegacyUser

I’d also have to disagree that wanting to take someone ‘down a peg’ as you put it denotes insecurity in oneself. Sometimes people are just arseholes.

.......

Stressed Sister wrote: »

I would love to distance myself from them but my second post in the thread outlines how difficult she makes that.

No, you just think she makes it difficult.

In reality yourself and your husband can either (1) not make your plans known, (b) if they are known and she mentions it tell her she is not welcome and (c) if she arrives and tries to land on you, refer to (b) and if all else fails, leave. Peacefully.

I dont think it is necessary for you to tell her all your issues with her as you outlined originally in the thread, but you can certainly civilly set boundaries.

LegacyUser

I think I just needed to vent. I can’t go into the detail that I’d like to here (and have already been criticised for going on too much) and it’s lead to some speculation that isn’t the case.

The complexity of the situation is too much for me to get across here.

Can you post this post and close the thread, mods? Thank you.

[Deleted User]

Stressed Sister wrote: »

leggo wrote: »

Going against the grain a bit but I feel a bit bad for the sister. She does sound like a lot, but also she’s feeling the consequences of that with stuff like having to beg people to come to her wedding to make up the numbers. So I don’t see what saying something out of the blue would achieve but kicking someone while they’re down.

I don’t blame you for having a vent OP, you sound like you needed it and I hope putting it on paper helped, but your post did infuriate me a bit when you said all these negative things then said “I was in their house...” You’re not helping the situation or helping your sister get the hint with stuff like that. To be in her house, you have to leave your own and travel there to see her and her husband. How is that giving someone a hint that you don’t like them? I see why she thinks you’re best friends, it sounds like you’re being a bit false in pursuing a friendship then thinking all these thoughts and wanting to hurt her by putting her in her place. So you’re not perfect either. Keep that in mind before trying to upset a person who regards you as their best friend.

Distance is good. Re-framing a friendship is as easy as you want it to be. If she asks you to go out or come over to the house, make an excuse. Send actual hints for her to get. See how you feel then and go from there. If there’s a conversation about it, say in nice terms you’re taking a step back, you’ve got a good script above to work with. That’s all that needs to be done. I don’t know why you’re actively trying to hurt her. Generally if we want that it’s because someone has made us insecure and we want to take them down a peg to right the wrong in our mind, so again look at yourself here before you go attacking others.

Sorry, I’m quoting your same post again. We have done this. A lot. A LOT. I have turned down so many invitations over the years and blatantly been unspecific about where we’re going out in town and whatnot. She does not give up. So that where my problem lies. Walking away is not made easy by her.

This is why I think I need to be more forthright because very obvious hints don’t work. As in, some of my replied have been ‘Um, no thanks’ with no excuse tacked on. Just ‘No thanks’. How much more blunt can I be without being hurtful?

Give her feedback at the time of her nasty comments, not when you get an invite. When she says something nasty, call her out on it. Something like 'Oh that's a very negative thing to say about X - I really need to surround myself with positivity'.