What is wrong with me?

suicide_circus · 02-03-2019 01:44PM

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I have two main hobbies I've pursued over the last couple of years and one of them is stand up comedy.

i'll get pilloried for this but in general men want women to laugh at their jokes, not the other way around. its a pathetic male ego thing, no doubt, but its true.

aloneforever99 · 02-03-2019 03:43PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

i'll get pilloried for this but in general men want women to laugh at their jokes, not the other way around. its a pathetic male ego thing, no doubt, but its true.

Sadly, I think you're absolutely right.

I've actually said exactly this to my therapist. If I was a guy, I'd be a catch: Average looking maybe but with a good job, hobbies, funny, confident, outgoing, always up for a bit of banter... but unfortunately I don't think my 'good qualities' match up very well with what men look for in a partner.

It also explains why I'm easily able to maintain friendships with men, but none of them ever want to go out with me,

professore · 02-03-2019 04:35PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

i'll get pilloried for this but in general men want women to laugh at their jokes, not the other way around. its a pathetic male ego thing, no doubt, but its true.

I dunno, I think lots of guys like a funny woman who doesn't take herself too seriously and is good at banter. I do anyway. Banter being back and forth fun, not cutting at people passive aggressively, or giving it but not being able to take it.

Taking the piss in a fun way is great.

Give me a funny woman over a good looking one every day of the week. If we don't laugh until our sides are sore then theres no second date. Speaking theoretically now of course.

suicide_circus · 02-03-2019 04:41PM

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Sadly, I think you're absolutely right.

I've actually said exactly this to my therapist. If I was a guy, I'd be a catch: Average looking maybe but with a good job, hobbies, funny, confident, outgoing, always up for a bit of banter... but unfortunately I don't think my 'good qualities' match up very well with what men look for in a partner.

It also explains why I'm easily able to maintain friendships with men, but none of them ever want to go out with me,

yep i think youve got a point.
you seem to be fulfilling the "male" roles yourself and even the most woke modern metro men need to feel they can bring some kind of traditional masculinity to the table. conversely and perhaps unfortunately this also means that most men are looking for some slight glimps of traditional femininity in a woman. we didnt lick these gender stereotypes off the stones and people's real preferences are not as up to date as we think from what we see in the media.

suicide_circus · 02-03-2019 04:45PM

professore wrote: »

I dunno, I think lots of guys like a funny woman who doesn't take herself too seriously and is good at banter. I do anyway. Banter being back and forth fun, not cutting at people passive aggressively, or giving it but not being able to take it.

Taking the piss in a fun way is great.

Give me a funny woman over a good looking one every day of the week. If we don't laugh until our sides are sore then theres no second date. Speaking theoretically now of course.

oh im with you on that but im talking in generalities here.

the ability to make women laugh is far more important to a man's biological success than it is for a woman to make men laugh.

Idle Passerby · 02-03-2019 04:50PM

If we are to believe half the advice here, women should present themselves as bland personality-free gigglers at men's jokes in order to get a date. I say rubbish to that!

There's no point watering yourself down so a majority will think "meh, she's ok". You only need one guy to think your amazing. Present yourself in your best light, if something's important to you you shouldn't have to downplay it so some random insecure guy isn't intimidated by you.

Personally I think being able to stand in front of a crowd and make them laugh is a really impressive personality trait!

suicide_circus · 02-03-2019 05:07PM

not telling the OP to change who she is, just pointimg out some potential blockers from another point of view.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-03-2019 05:19PM

Without seeing how you behave, it's hard to give exact advice. The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you are a bit too full on?

aloneforever99 · 02-03-2019 05:26PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

most men are looking for some slight glimps of traditional femininity in a woman.

I've got big boobs and I like to wear red lipstick?

suicide_circus · 02-03-2019 06:00PM

aloneforever99 wrote: »

I've got big boobs and I like to wear red lipstick?

i was really referring to behaviours rather than physical stuff

aloneforever99 · 02-03-2019 06:07PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

i was really referring to behaviours rather than physical stuff

Ah I got you, I was joking.

Honestly there's certain things I thought were good things to do that I think I really need to stop. For example, a guy took me out for dinner a while back and I insisted on paying my half even though he was happy to treat me... Maybe I should have just let him, but I didn't want to seem entitled.

Same with a different guy for a first date at the cinema. I make more money than most guys my age, and it feels ridiculous for me to expect them to pay, but maybe it's a masculinity thing and I should just let them pay if they want to??

lainey_d_123 · 02-03-2019 11:50PM

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If we are to believe half the advice here, women should present themselves as bland personality-free gigglers at men's jokes in order to get a date. I say rubbish to that!

There's no point watering yourself down so a majority will think "meh, she's ok". You only need one guy to think your amazing. Present yourself in your best light, if something's important to you you shouldn't have to downplay it so some random insecure guy isn't intimidated by you.

Personally I think being able to stand in front of a crowd and make them laugh is a really impressive personality trait!

But she's absolutely right. A woman who does stand-up is intimidating to a huge proportion of men. I know women who do it and the harassment and abuse they get for daring to think women can be funny is insane.

A hilarious, witty woman vs a pretty woman who wears make-up and dresses up? I think the vast majority of men would go for the latter. It's what I see.

lainey_d_123 · 02-03-2019 11:52PM

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Ah I got you, I was joking.

Honestly there's certain things I thought were good things to do that I think I really need to stop. For example, a guy took me out for dinner a while back and I insisted on paying my half even though he was happy to treat me... Maybe I should have just let him, but I didn't want to seem entitled.

Same with a different guy for a first date at the cinema. I make more money than most guys my age, and it feels ridiculous for me to expect them to pay, but maybe it's a masculinity thing and I should just let them pay if they want to??

I would absolutely feel entitled if I didn't offer to pay. I won't keep insisting, but I feel like just letting him pay and not saying anything would make me look like a princess. I don't make good money and even if I go out with someone making ten times more, I still offer to pay and they almost always accept. Is this wrong?

LegacyUser · 03-03-2019 10:01AM

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If we are to believe half the advice here, women should present themselves as bland personality-free gigglers at men's jokes in order to get a date. I say rubbish to that!

There's no point watering yourself down so a majority will think "meh, she's ok". You only need one guy to think your amazing. Present yourself in your best light, if something's important to you you shouldn't have to downplay it so some random insecure guy isn't intimidated by you.

Personally I think being able to stand in front of a crowd and make them laugh is a really impressive personality trait!

Pretty much this. Are you willing to compromise who you are and the things you like just to get a guy? Is that going to make you happy long term? I doubt it somehow. And let's face it, who wants to be with an insecure man who can't handle a woman who is funny and intelligent?

There's no guarantee in this life that any of us will find someone. That's why it's so important to make the best life for ourselves and be happy on our own. That way if someone comes along, one has something to bring to the relationship.

Idle Passerby · 03-03-2019 10:18AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

But she's absolutely right. A woman who does stand-up is intimidating to a huge proportion of men. I know women who do it and the harassment and abuse they get for daring to think women can be funny is insane.

A hilarious, witty woman vs a pretty woman who wears make-up and dresses up? I think the vast majority of men would go for the latter. It's what I see.

I'm not saying this isn't the case. I'm saying diluting yourself to appeal to these guys is counter productive. It's no victory to find a guy if it's at the expense of being who you really are.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b · 05-03-2019 10:09AM

Not much to add here, OP, except to say that I'm male and I'd definitely be interested in someone who was smart, funny, informed about current affairs, had varied life experience, was gainfully employed, and enjoyed physical intimacy (not just sex, but being held, sleeping together, etc). That would tick pretty much all my boxes -- and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone among the male population in saying that, either. So don't give up, because there are men out there who will most definitely be interested in you. Best of luck.

lainey_d_123 · 05-03-2019 06:32PM

heretothere wrote: »

I'm the same age as you, it seems like a lot of my friends are in the same boat as you. I got lucky, and some of it really is down to luck, just the right place right time and being 'open' to meeting someone. I don't want to sound harsh but are you maybe coming across too strong? I've seen it happen, I know its not something you're doing on purpose.

I do think dating apps have a lot to answer for though, internet dating was just kicking off really when I meet my husband so I don't have experience of it, but I agree with others does it give people the sense that there will always be something better out there instead of really giving what they've found a go!

In saying all the above there are plenty of men in the 30 - 40 bracket looking to settle down I'm not saying rule out younger men just in general they're probably not going to be looking to settle down. You might just be going for the wrong sort of fella too, there is a lot to be said for the 'nice' guy.

Funnily enough, I've found the opposite. I find a lot of men between 26 and 29 seem to want a serious relationship. I turned one guy down when I was 31 and he was 25 thinking he was too young for me, and I regret it now. When you get a bit older, the age gap doesn't seem as big. I actually find long term single men in their late thirties the worst at being willing to commit. The guy I was seeing is now 37 and dating a 24-year-old. People like this just doesn't seem able to grow up. They're grand for going out drinking but when you're looking for the relationship to 'go somewhere', they don't want to know.

Apollocredit · 05-03-2019 08:07PM

<snip>

lainey_d_123 · 05-03-2019 09:01PM

Apollocredit wrote: »

<snipped>

I never said it did. But it's poor form not to disclose to people you date that you basically don't ever want a traditional relationship. It's also a bit tragic to be dating people much younger than you and in a totally different life stage. I have very little in common with people in their early twenties - they're a different generation! I don't think getting older has to mean having a family, but yes, I do think it's a bit sad for a man of almost 40 to be chasing college students, hanging out in student bars and so on. I think it's a refusal to grow up.

Glitter · 06-03-2019 02:33PM

Funny and conventionally pretty are not mutually exclusive!
So I say keep up with the jokes AND the red lipstick.

The open mic stand up circuit in this country is insanely cutthroat so I would say if you're trying to meet potential partners on that scene you might be better off focussing your attention elsewhere for potential dates and keeping the stand up as a separate hobby that you do for yourself. But do keep it up!

Green&Red · 06-03-2019 05:54PM

OP, just a few thoughts on what you’ve put up that sprung out to me

Your family background could have a huge amount to do with how you view things, you mentioned once that you can be quiet argumentative, how does that manifest? (wrt men)

You also say you’re quite political, which is great, I am too, I think it’s importang. However majority of people are not. One thing I noticed at the referendum last year was that people on the left couldn’t believe that anyone could possibly have a different opinion and proceeded to ram their opinion down people’s throats. Even as someone who held similar views to them I found it overbearing. Could you be guilty of that? Majority of people don’t care one way or the other and some will have different views to you, are you someone who can accept that?

You described yourself as being loud with stories, I would find that a turnoff but lots don’t, as someone else said it can be about listening too

On the bumble thing, it’s not like there’s a group of lads who go on bumble and a separate group who go to pubs and another that go exercising, they’re all subsets of each other, I’m not sure what it achieves to go off it. As you said maybe temper your expectations.

Finally the FWB, there’s no real explaining it, some people you see as long term things and other you see as someone to call when you’re horny. It’s completely unfair but it’s human nature. It’s not anything you’re doing wrong IMO and it’s even less likely to be down to your looks. In blunt terms they fancy you enough to do that.

Good luck

LegacyUser · 11-03-2019 10:28PM

Hi Op, I feel like I'm in the same situation as yourself except I'm a lad. (I actually stumbled on your thread while considering starting my own)

Anyway my situation is similar, (minus the friends with benefits)

I feel like I'm a really nice guy. I always pay for drinks/food and like doing so, If I'm not interested in someone I try to be straight up in the nicest way possible. I think when i meet someone I really like i come across as too keen. I try my best to be 'a lovely lad' and i like people to think of me as 'really nice'

I'm pretty much terrible at pulling on a night out. I struggle to chat to girls and only get any success when well drunk. I wouldn't chat to many girls on a day to day basis. People would consider me as 'quiet' .

All my friends are good looking, confident, stylish, energetic guys and I feel shattered and **** after most nights out when they get all the attention and I get none. Since this has been going on practically since I started going to pubs and clubs, I just have to get on with it. It feels like a destructive circle of No Female Attention = No Confidence, No Confidence = No Female Attention.

Luckily I can rely on Tinder because and I go on plenty of dates (Maybe 5 or 6 in a year). I enjoy them all but I feel like the girls that I like, they don't want to meet up again and the girls that I don't like tend to be interested.

Every now and again (twice in the last few years and maybe 3 or 4 times since I started dating) I've met someone I really clicked with, had the same interests, found attractive and who's found me attractive.

Because this doesn't happen often, I really fall for them and I probably appear too keen and after about 3 months, they decide they don't want to meet anymore and I sink down this rabbit hole of depression for awhile.

This happened to me very recently and this time especially it was a really tough one to take. I was very invested in a girl I met and was really looking forward to taking it further and tried my hardest not to screw it up, but now I'm back to where I started and its hard to move on.. No girlfriend, no FWB, no chance of getting one any time soon, feeling unattractive, more un-confident than ever, dreading having to go back onto tinder and begin all over again.

The worst thing is I don't know what goes wrong so its very hard not to blame myself and even harder to fix.

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread, at least you might be able to relate to my story and take something from it !

KikiLaRue · 14-03-2019 02:00PM

Similar_Situation wrote: »

Hi Op, I feel like I'm in the same situation as yourself except I'm a lad. (I actually stumbled on your thread while considering starting my own)

Anyway my situation is similar, (minus the friends with benefits)

I feel like I'm a really nice guy. I always pay for drinks/food and like doing so, If I'm not interested in someone I try to be straight up in the nicest way possible. I think when i meet someone I really like i come across as too keen. I try my best to be 'a lovely lad' and i like people to think of me as 'really nice'

I'm pretty much terrible at pulling on a night out. I struggle to chat to girls and only get any success when well drunk. I wouldn't chat to many girls on a day to day basis. People would consider me as 'quiet' .

All my friends are good looking, confident, stylish, energetic guys and I feel shattered and **** after most nights out when they get all the attention and I get none. Since this has been going on practically since I started going to pubs and clubs, I just have to get on with it. It feels like a destructive circle of No Female Attention = No Confidence, No Confidence = No Female Attention.

Luckily I can rely on Tinder because and I go on plenty of dates (Maybe 5 or 6 in a year). I enjoy them all but I feel like the girls that I like, they don't want to meet up again and the girls that I don't like tend to be interested.

Every now and again (twice in the last few years and maybe 3 or 4 times since I started dating) I've met someone I really clicked with, had the same interests, found attractive and who's found me attractive.

Because this doesn't happen often, I really fall for them and I probably appear too keen and after about 3 months, they decide they don't want to meet anymore and I sink down this rabbit hole of depression for awhile.

This happened to me very recently and this time especially it was a really tough one to take. I was very invested in a girl I met and was really looking forward to taking it further and tried my hardest not to screw it up, but now I'm back to where I started and its hard to move on.. No girlfriend, no FWB, no chance of getting one any time soon, feeling unattractive, more un-confident than ever, dreading having to go back onto tinder and begin all over again.

The worst thing is I don't know what goes wrong so its very hard not to blame myself and even harder to fix.

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread, at least you might be able to relate to my story and take something from it !

Hiya. I'm the OP. I re-regged under a different name because I didn't want to be known as "aloneforever" for my entire Boards life.

I really related to your story. I don't have a lot of advice to offer but it sounds like you're actually doing okay and just had a bit of bad luck, not unlike myself.

Chin up. Maybe take a couple of weeks off dating or even trying to think about it and focus on something else that makes you happy. Then when you're a bit happier in yourself, dive back in.

That's what I'm trying to do.

What is wrong with me?

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