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I think my boyfriend is embarrassed to be with me..

  • 24-02-2019 12:18PM
    #1
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭


    I’m not sure what to think. So we’ve been together 2 years. I don’t want to give away too many personal details but we’re in our 20s. Basically it seems he hides/ excludes me from his life and I can’t figure out why. I’ve met his family and we’re very close but I’ve never met any of his friends.

    The only reason people know we are together is if people see us together and they have asked him who am I. Or his Mam loves to tell everyone that I’m his girlfriend, she seems to be proud whereas my own boyfriend isn’t proud to be with me. He has told me if people ask if he’s got a girlfriend he does tell them but otherwise he doesn’t say anything. On his social media there’s no mention of me. No pictures of me. We don’t even have a picture together. You could look at his social media and think he’s single. He doesn’t use Facebook but all the other social media accounts. It has got to the point where I’m thinking he’s ashamed to be with me and I’ve never felt so low. He goes out to the pub a lot and I’m never invited because it’s fellas only.

    It’s got to the point where we don’t even go on dates anymore. I’ve asked him can we go out or do this and he always says yeah we will but it never happens. It’s like I’m talking to the wall. It’s like I’m the only person he refuses to do anything with and I can’t understand why.

    I know he was invited to a wedding, which is in 3 weeks and he hasn’t mentioned it to me so I assume I’m not invited. I’ve no idea if he got a plus one or not but the friend who is inviting him to the wedding I’m sure he probably doesn’t know I exist. Other couples that were invited got invited both by name. And I don’t even exist. So now I’m worried about him going to that wedding as a “single man” which is what everyone is going to think when he turns up by himself, that he’s going to cheat on me.

    He’s always saying how much he loves me. But is this normal behaviour for 2 years in? I thought most relationships are serious by then. I don’t understand why he’s with me if he’s embarrassed by me or wants to hide me. I never thought I was ugly or not good enough until now. I’ve had other boyfriends couldn’t wait to be seen with me, yet this one wants to keep everything separate. He’s not seeing anyone else or married haha so it’s not that. Maybe he’s not attracted to me? I don’t know does this make sense though because when I first met him he was CRAZY about me, like couldn’t wait to make me his girlfriend, kept saying I’m beautiful and I’m the best looking girl he’s ever spoke to. So what the hell happened?! He even said he loves me after 3 weeks!


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Comments

  • #2
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    Also in regards to his social media, I haven’t added him on there but I can see what he does because his account is open. He has a habit of following random local attractive girls and then liking all their selfies when they upload. Another reason which makes me think he’s not entirely happy with me and is looking for something better.


  • #3
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Well that second post explains a lot. He wants to maintain an outwardly single status so he can keep his options open.

    He sounds like an immature idiot & if you stay with him you’ll do long-term damage to your own self esteem. I’d be calling him on all of this and telling him you’re off to find someone who’s proud to be with you.


  • #4
    lawred2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,761 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    He's probably got a few others on the hook. Fairly sure that's what your suspecting right!?

    Sounds like a time waster really. You're young. Move on.


  • #5
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    Well that second post explains a lot. He wants to maintain an outwardly single status so he can keep his options open.

    He sounds like an immature idiot & if you stay with him you’ll do long-term damage to your own self esteem. I’d be calling him on all of this and telling him you’re off to find someone who’s proud to be with you.


    Why would he want to appear single for 2 years? Like I don’t understand why he’s with me if he’s not happy with me entirely why spend 2 years with me?! That’s crazy.


  • #6
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    It would raise an alarm bell for me. I was with a guy for years who kept me separate from the rest of his social life, even when we lived together. It wears down your self confidence and self esteem eventually. I can't say what reason your partner's is but it's not a good sign that he chooses to keep you on the sidelines of his life.


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  • #7
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Laylac wrote: »
    Why would he want to appear single for 2 years? Like I don’t understand why he’s with me if he’s not happy with me entirely why spend 2 years with me?! That’s crazy.

    It’s called “having your cake and eating it too”. You get the comfort and companionship of a regular girlfriend and the thrill of the chase with other new girls too. Don’t be naive OP, this is not an uncommon phenomenon and in this instance it’s staring you in the face.

    Up to you if you want to put up with it and let him away with this incredibly disrespectful and immature behaviour. Standards and self respect are important not just now but in all future relationships you have, might be worth exercising them now.


  • #8
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    Laylac wrote: »
    Why would he want to appear single for 2 years? Like I don’t understand why he’s with me if he’s not happy with me entirely why spend 2 years with me?! That’s crazy.

    It’s called “having your cake and eating it too”. You get the comfort and companionship of a regular girlfriend and the thrill of the chase with other new girls too. Don’t be naive OP, this is not an uncommon phenomenon and in this instance it’s staring you in the face.

    Up to you if you want to put up with it and let him away with this incredibly disrespectful and immature behaviour. Standards and self respect are important not just now but in all future relationships you have, might be worth exercising them now.

    Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?


  • #9
    Stellasmurf
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 139 ✭✭Stellasmurf


    Ye aren’t connected on social media and yet he follows other local girls? Is this recent activity? Sorry OP but this is not the behavior of someone who is interested in/sees a future with you. You could call him out on it but I’d be moving on pretty fast. You deserve better.


  • #10
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    Stellasmurf wrote: »
    Ye aren’t connected on social media and yet he follows other local girls? Is this recent activity? Sorry OP but this is not the behavior of someone who is interested in/sees a future with you. You could call him out on it but I’d be moving on pretty fast. You deserve better.

    It’s not recent activity from what I can gather. He’s been doing this I’m sure before I even knew he was on Instagram, at least since 2 years, probably before I knew him. The one thing I do remember him saying is he used to block his ex girlfriend because she used to ring him asking why is he liking this girls pic etc, I know how she feels now.


  • #11
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Laylac wrote: »
    Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?


    Maybe you should be asking the question "What's wrong with him?"


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  • #12
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Laylac wrote: »
    Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?

    There's a good chance he keeps you on the side as the stable girlfriend but has all the time and perceived freedom to meet the other local girls when he's "out with the fellas". Sure the pub is not for fellas only and he is presenting as available. That's why his friends don't know you and you don't date anymore, he can plausibly tell them you're not very serious. He introduced you to his parents though because it probably pleased them too see him in a stable relationship, and it's not like he could meet any girls there anyway so no loss there for him.

    There is nothing wrong with you, he just wants to have it all. The comforts of a stable relationship and the freedom to roam.

    How do you meet if you don't go out together any more? Do you live together?


  • #13
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Laylac wrote: »
    Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?
    You are naive and trusting and he's taking advantage of that. He is the problem here. He's acting like he's single when he's not. He doesn't respect you and you can do much better. Your self esteem has obviously been affected when you think you are the problem. You cannot change him and if you leave, in a few months when your head clears you'll look back at this and wonder how you put up with him for so long.


  • #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Laylac wrote: »
    So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?

    You're framing this all wrong. The question is not what is wrong with you - there's nothing wrong with you. The question you need to ask yourself is what the hell is wrong with him? And other questions like: what kind of a pri*k treats his girlfriend like this? Who does he think he is?

    If it was a problem with his ex, then he's well aware of his behaviour. My advice is to walk away. He doesn't sound like he's worthy of being given the benefit of the doubt. Let's face it, prior behaviour indicates that he won't change.

    Don't you think you deserve someone who makes you part of their life and who is proud to be with you. You deserve to be treated better than this, OP.


  • #15
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Okay he might want to go to the pub with his friends, but why don't you go on dates on other nights?


  • #16
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    December2012 wrote: »
    Okay he might want to go to the pub with his friends, but why don't you go on dates on other nights?

    He does say we will do lots of things, he brings up taking me to this or that place yet he never materialises. It’s like I would have to drag him out the door. What I don’t get is at the start when I met him it wasn’t like this, we went out places, went to the cinema etc now I can’t get him to do anything. I might as well be talking to the wall


  • #17
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    Paddy Cow wrote: »
    Laylac wrote: »
    Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?
    You are naive and trusting and he's taking advantage of that. He is the problem here. He's acting like he's single when he's not. He doesn't respect you and you can do much better. Your self esteem has obviously been affected when you think you are the problem. You cannot change him and if you leave, in a few months when your head clears you'll look back at this and wonder how you put up with him for so long.


    Well I guess I’m trusting in that I assumed someone being with me for 2 years means they want to be with me. I don’t get it because I can’t imagine staying with someone I didn’t give a crap about for 2 years, I wouldn’t enjoy it so why bother. It’s not something I’ve ever done so it confuses me. I’ll be honest I did think he loved me because he always says it and some things he has done makes me think he did too but maybe that’s all lies too?


  • #18
    jopax
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 486 ✭✭jopax


    Laylac wrote: »
    Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?


    There is nothing wrong with you except naivety, but there certainly is something wrong with him.
    You have said that previous boyfriends were happy to been to seen with you so there you go, hence the problem is his.
    I'm assuming you are very young if it's the first encounter you've had with a creep.
    Just chalk it down to experience & dump him pronto, things will not improve there. Have some more respect for yourself as he certainly doesn't


  • #19
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Laylac wrote: »
    Well I guess I’m trusting in that I assumed someone being with me for 2 years means they want to be with me. I don’t get it because I can’t imagine staying with someone I didn’t give a crap about for 2 years, I wouldn’t enjoy it so why bother. It’s not something I’ve ever done so it confuses me. I’ll be honest I did think he loved me because he always says it and some things he has done makes me think he did too but maybe that’s all lies too?

    Perhaps he does love you; it's just that he is not mature enough to commit to a quality exclusive relationship. He might think it's perfectly okay to "love" one girl and to maintain active interest in others to keep his options open. His love might be genuine from his point of view but ultimately worthless if it's demonstrably more trouble than it's worth.


  • #20
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭tara73


    what a low-life he is.

    please don't blame yourself, you seem like a nice person. it's him.

    get rid of him asap.


  • #21
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    strandroad wrote: »
    Laylac wrote: »
    Well I guess I’m trusting in that I assumed someone being with me for 2 years means they want to be with me. I don’t get it because I can’t imagine staying with someone I didn’t give a crap about for 2 years, I wouldn’t enjoy it so why bother. It’s not something I’ve ever done so it confuses me. I’ll be honest I did think he loved me because he always says it and some things he has done makes me think he did too but maybe that’s all lies too?

    Perhaps he does love you; it's just that he is not mature enough to commit to a quality exclusive relationship. He might think it's perfectly okay to "love" one girl and to maintain active interest in others to keep his options open. His love might be genuine from his point of view but ultimately worthless if it's demonstrably more trouble than it's worth.

    This I don’t understand. How you could love someone yet want to keep your options open. When I love someone I don’t want anyone else but them even if someone better looking came along etc. It doesn’t seem like a genuine love. And it’s not like he’s a teenager. He’s in his late 20s. He should be mature enough by now.


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  • #22
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    cantlogin2019! wrote: »
    Laylac wrote: »
    So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?

    You're framing this all wrong. The question is not what is wrong with you - there's nothing wrong with you. The question you need to ask yourself is what the hell is wrong with him? And other questions like: what kind of a pri*k treats his girlfriend like this? Who does he think he is?

    If it was a problem with his ex, then he's well aware of his behaviour. My advice is to walk away. He doesn't sound like he's worthy of being given the benefit of the doubt. Let's face it, prior behaviour indicates that he won't change.

    Don't you think you deserve someone who makes you part of their life and who is proud to be with you. You deserve to be treated better than this, OP.


    Well I don’t know what’s wrong with him. It makes me jealous of the other couples I see out that actually do things together and have pictures together on social media etc. When I have a boyfriend who wants nothing to do with me or include me anywhere. I don’t know if I’m not up to his standards of looks or something (it’s plausible) but it doesn’t make sense when he chased after me and pretty much said I’m the best looking girl he’s had. He was crazy about me to the point I thought it was too fast and too soon. I don’t know what’s changed.


  • #23
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Laylac wrote: »
    This I don’t understand. How you could love someone yet want to keep your options open. When I love someone I don’t want anyone else but them even if someone better looking came along etc. It doesn’t seem like a genuine love. And it’s not like he’s a teenager. He’s in his late 20s. He should be mature enough by now.

    To be honest it looks like you are in a completely different class of maturity than he is. He might never grow out of it either. Remember when you have this conversation with him as you probably will: it doesn't matter if he says he loves you. Love declared means nothing if it doesn't nourish you and make you a better person. In this case it's only hurting you and making you insecure because of the way you're treated.
    Laylac wrote: »
    Well I don’t know what’s wrong with him. It makes me jealous of the other couples I see out that actually do things together and have pictures together on social media etc. When I have a boyfriend who wants nothing to do with me or include me anywhere. I don’t know if I’m not up to his standards of looks or something (it’s plausible) but it doesn’t make sense when he chased after me and pretty much said I’m the best looking girl he’s had. He was crazy about me to the point I thought it was too fast and too soon. I don’t know what’s changed.

    He seems to be about the thrill and playing his options. What changed is that with his compliments and declarations he's bagged you and you are no longer exciting, so you can rest on the back burner for now.


  • #24
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,981 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Have you actually sat down and discussed any of this with him? What good do you get out of the relationship? It sounds to me like he's doing what he wants, meanwhile you are miserable and having your self esteem worn down. You deserve better than that.


  • #25
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,710 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    What are you getting from the relationship? Because from what you're saying, it seems not a lot. If you are not happy with any aspect of your relationship you are entitled to bring it up and try resolve it. If things don't change to your liking you don't have to stay with him.

    You know nobody that he knows. You don't know whether he has another girl on the go, just like you.

    At the very least you should be going out together, regularly.


  • #26
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Why do you (a) think that he might cheat on you at this wedding and (b) that he's not cheating on you already?

    Do you know anything about his previous relationship and why it ended? I've a feeling you'd find a conversation with his ex most enlightening.


  • #27
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Why do you (a) think that he might cheat on you at this wedding and (b) that he's not cheating on you already?

    Do you know anything about his previous relationship and why it ended? I've a feeling you'd find a conversation with his ex most enlightening.

    Because going to a wedding alone seems like the perfect place to cheat. I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating on me. I just really don’t think he is, it’s a gut feeling. That’s not to say he’s not keeping his options open but I don’t think he is cheating right now. His previous relationship ended because she cheated and is still with the guy she cheated on him with. He seems very against cheating going by what he says to me, he says he would forgive anything else just not cheating so don’t do it pretty much.


  • #28
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    So why do you think going to the pub without you means he's not chatting up other women or going home with them?


  • #29
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    What are you getting from the relationship? Because from what you're saying, it seems not a lot. If you are not happy with any aspect of your relationship you are entitled to bring it up and try resolve it. If things don't change to your liking you don't have to stay with him.

    You know nobody that he knows. You don't know whether he has another girl on the go, just like you.

    At the very least you should be going out together, regularly.

    I’m pretty sure he’s not got another girl on the go. Maybe he’s really good at hiding it but I would seriously be surprised. I’m close with his family, I have very very briefly met a couple of his friends but there’s lots I haven’t met. Mainly the ones inviting him to the wedding.


  • #30
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    So why do you think he wants to appear single and hasn't fully integrated you into his life?


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  • #31
    Laylac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭Laylac


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    So why do you think going to the pub without you means he's not chatting up other women or going home with them?

    I just don’t believe he’s ever physically cheated on me. Maybe I’m totally wrong but he comes home pretty early with no one with him so I would hope not lol


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