How Can You Go Four Months Without Contacting Your Family

Homer · 23-02-2019 04:31PM

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Not every family is like the Waltons.

For the life of me I can't understand how some people can't fathom this stuff.

The word busybody springs to mind.. they are more interested in everyone elses lives than their own!

doolox · 23-02-2019 04:44PM

In my own case I was actually advised to minimise contact with two of my sisters who have mental health and self esteem issues due to ongoing underlying disabilities and were difficult to talk to or relate with due to my life experiences being different to theirs.

My third and youngest sister and I are very close both in temperament and outlook on life and we meet up as often as we can with little fuss or ceremony.

I recall our mother isolating herself from people because she felt a big meal or production was needed when meeting friends or acquaintences ( of which she had few) or relatives ( of which she had many ).

Myself and my younger sister try to avoid this by meeting friends outside the home or just not getting involved in a big production entertainment-wise.

Many people just want to talk and make contact and are not looking for a big meal or a perfect hostess. You could not tell my mother that and it isolated her a lot.

Many emigrants can get ashamed of their perceived lack of self worth or job advancement and they can break off contact with family and neighbours in their hometowns when they hit on hard times.

I have encountered this on some occasions when people were made homeless, lost jobs or hit on bad health, broken relationships etc. and they disappeared off the face of the earth regarding contact with their parents and siblings in the home town.

My youngest brother in law is in one of these phases at the moment, to the puzzlement, consternation and anger of his siblings.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 23-02-2019 04:56PM

I'd assume that this was more a case of him deliberately ceasing to contact them rather than just not bothering and certainly none of us should judge him for that.

If he told his family that and they still reported him missing that's one thing, but if he had a normal conversation or a huge row with them in October and then just disappeared in Australia surely it's pretty predictable that they'd launch appeals? Australia is a long way away and immigrants go missing or get attacked there quite often.

There are lots of dysfunctional and toxic families but presumably there aren't half as many where not one member of the extended group will check at least once that the person isn't murdered rather than estranged.

ginandtonicsky · 23-02-2019 05:07PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

My best friend hasn't seen or spoken to his family in ten years, he got a bus one day, landed at my doorstep in London, and never went home.

Not going to discuss his private life on here, but I've never seen him happier. People have all sorts of reasons for doing this. Some of us were lucky with the families we were born to, others not so much. Its ridiculous to expect everyone to stay, or provide their family with reassurances.

We don't know what happened here but I suspect there were some good reasons.

And some people are just reckless and inconsiderate and just can’t be arsed staying in touch. Totally generalising but I’ve noticed it’s usually men who fall out of the contact loop for no good reason.

I live in London and I’ve met a good few Irish lads who couldn’t tell you the last time they spoke to their mam or visited the family home. It’s a real red flag to me as a single woman. Unless there’s a legitimate reason such as a terrible family background, there’s absolutely no excuse for not calling your folks or dropping them a text semi regularly solely to let them know you are alive.

Mad_maxx · 23-02-2019 05:11PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I haven't had contact with my immediate family in over 20 years. They don't know where I live, that I'm married and I don't think they even know about the existence of my youngest child. I have no interest in any of them again and certainly wouldn't be checking in with them if I was abroad. Some families are so bad you don't want anything to do with them.

I don't know anything about you but this sounds very brave on your part to me, took strength

Wish I'd done the same twenty years ago but only in respect of my father who's long dead now incidentally

freshpopcorn · 23-02-2019 05:17PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And some people are just reckless and inconsiderate and just can’t be arsed staying in touch. Totally generalising but I’ve noticed it’s usually men who fall out of the contact loop for no good reason.

I live in London and I’ve met a good few Irish lads who couldn’t tell you the last time they spoke to their mam or visited the family home. It’s a real red flag to me as a single woman. Unless there’s a legitimate reason such as a terrible family background, there’s absolutely no excuse for not calling your folks or dropping them a text semi regularly solely to let them know you are alive.

There generally is a reason for people losing contact with family. It's not something people do light heartedly.
You seem judgemental in your post and people probably wouldn't share the real reason why they've lost contact with there family with you.

banie01 · 23-02-2019 05:21PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

There generally is a reason for people losing contact with family. It's not something people do light heartedly.
You seem judgemental in your post and people probably wouldn't share the real reason why they've lost contact with there family with you.

I was just about to post similar!
As for its being a "red flag"? its not something I'd discuss with someone I was just dating.
I can't imagine the conversation at a dinner date turning to a discussion of toxic family environments.

ginandtonicsky · 23-02-2019 05:22PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

There generally is a reason for people losing contact with family. It's not something people do light heartedly.
You seem judgemental in your post and people probably wouldn't share the real reason why they've lost contact with there family with you.

“Yeah I’m really bad at staying in touch” I’ve heard a few times. Two are friends whose families I’ve met and no issues, they’re just not close and they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

Outlaw Pete · 23-02-2019 05:24PM

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

Four months is hardly needy. Nothing over Christmas. It's selfish behaviour.

Did you just assume his delusion?

RhubarbCrumble · 23-02-2019 05:26PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

And sometimes people have gone through horrendous abuse by the people who are supposed to love them most, their family, whether YOU want to believe it or not.

You come across as a very judgemental person.

eviltwin · 23-02-2019 05:26PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

“Yeah I’m really bad at staying in touch” I’ve heard a few times. Two are friends whose families I’ve met and no issues, they’re just not close and they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

This is exactly what I say when asked about my family. I wouldn't go into the whole saga with a stranger so a vague answer is easier. I'm sure some people think I'm an awful bitch especially because my family are the street angel house devil variety. Some people are just not great at keeping in touch but never assume and don't judge a person for it.

freshpopcorn · 23-02-2019 05:28PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

“Yeah I’m really bad at staying in touch” I’ve heard a few times. Two are friends whose families I’ve met and no issues, they’re just not close and they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

So your friends with people who you judge and you consider to be lazy and selfish people.(If I'm reading that correctly).
Sometimes families aren't overly close.
Not everybody shares the real reason why they've lost contact with people shur we're not that close is a brush off in my experience.

_Kaiser_ · 23-02-2019 05:34PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I haven't had contact with my immediate family in over 20 years. They don't know where I live, that I'm married and I don't think they even know about the existence of my youngest child. I have no interest in any of them again and certainly wouldn't be checking in with them if I was abroad. Some families are so bad you don't want anything to do with them.

Pretty much the same really. The only one I keep in contact with really is my sister and that's usually over WhatsApp every few weeks.

Our parents are both dead, and we haven't heard a thing from mam's side since she died a few years ago and we neither expect nor want to. Mam was sick for a long time but it deteriorated significantly in the last few years of her life. Her parents could have helped make her more comfortable, but didn't nor did they bother visiting her at all in that time - yet they played the grieving parents for the town on the day of her funeral.
Mam's sister (a somewhat unhinged type who bullied her throughout her life) spent the day verbally attacking my sister.

Mam being ever practical had agreed that they would take care of the arrangements but myself and my sister had to find out the details on rip.ie

The fact that we don't hear from any of them since is no loss whatsoever.

Edgware · 23-02-2019 05:37PM

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

Four months is hardly needy. Nothing over Christmas. It's selfish behaviour.

If a person wants to go and lead a lone life well in my view they are fully entitled to do so.
However if doing so it wouldnt be unreasonable to leave a message with some family member to that effect rather than have family memers concerned that a tragedy had occurred.
I had an uncle who did just that and while we knew he was in London we had no contact for over 25 years.
There wasnt a family dispute or anything. It was just that he found Irish life in a rural town restricting.

jimd2 · 23-02-2019 05:37PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

They will, but the Indo hasn't called him selfish or implied that he was acting irresponsibly. I wish more people would be careful with their words, when they obviously aren't in possession of all the facts.

He's alive and safe, and that's wonderful. Now let's leave him get on with his life, eh?

His name has not been mentioned by me or anyone else on this thread so a search will bring up news articles not threads with a link to them.

i just cannot see how I am preventing him from getting on with him life.

23-02-2019 05:39PM

for all we know he told them to leave him alone and they launched this anyway

jimd2 · 23-02-2019 05:40PM

Edgware wrote: »

If a person wants to go and lead a lone life well in my view they are fully entitled to do so.
However if doing so it wouldnt be unreasonable to leave a message with some family member to that effect rather than have family memers concerned that a tragedy had occurred.
I had an uncle who did just that and while we knew he was in London we had no contact for over 25 years.

Yes, I agree. It's just very strange as I would imagine that if there had been a family falling out then the authorities may not have assumed that he was missing.

jimd2 · 23-02-2019 05:42PM

bluewolf wrote: »

for all we know he told them to leave him alone and they launched this anyway

If he did that then yes they should have accepted that but, on face value, that doesn't seem to have been the case.

ginandtonicsky · 23-02-2019 05:43PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

So your friends with people who you judge and you consider to be lazy and selfish people.(If I'm reading that correctly).
Sometimes families aren't overly close.
Not everybody shares the real reason why they've lost contact with people shur we're not that close is a brush off in my experience.

And some are just shyte at contact. What’s so hard to believe about that?

Noone’s perfect including my friends and I’m noone’s mother, live and let live but it’s not a behaviour I’d be engaging in or a lad I’d be dating either.

Edgware · 23-02-2019 05:44PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And some people are just reckless and inconsiderate and just can’t be arsed staying in touch. Totally generalising but I’ve noticed it’s usually men who fall out of the contact loop for no good reason.

I live in London and I’ve met a good few Irish lads who couldn’t tell you the last time they spoke to their mam or visited the family home. It’s a real red flag to me as a single woman. Unless there’s a legitimate reason such as a terrible family background, there’s absolutely no excuse for not calling your folks or dropping them a text semi regularly solely to let them know you are alive.

The London scene is something else that way. In the 50s emigration was rife and lads as young as 14/15 left Ireland. Many fell between the cracks and when the mother died at home it often was the last bit of contact with home gone.

KaneToad · 23-02-2019 05:45PM

dodderangler wrote: »

...Family is always there.

For you, maybe. But it's not a universal rule.

Giveaway · 23-02-2019 05:46PM

Probably only noticed when the remittances stopped

freshpopcorn · 23-02-2019 05:51PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And some are just shyte at contact. What’s so hard to believe about that?

Noone’s perfect including my friends and I’m noone’s mother, live and let live but it’s not a behaviour I’d be engaging in or a lad I’d be dating either.

Yes some people are bad at keeping contact not everybody wants to live in every bodies pocket.
I never said anybody was perfect but I would like my friends to say I was loud at times or dressed badly and not for them to say I was selfish.
I just thought I'd say it people aren't going to share there family rifts after a few dates with somebody it can take a long time.

23-02-2019 05:52PM

I haven’t spoken to my parents in 3 years, best thing I ever did, no regrets

Mutant z · 23-02-2019 06:12PM

His life his business.

23-02-2019 06:15PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And some people are just reckless and inconsiderate and just can’t be arsed staying in touch. Totally generalising but I’ve noticed it’s usually men who fall out of the contact loop for no good reason.

I live in London and I’ve met a good few Irish lads who couldn’t tell you the last time they spoke to their mam or visited the family home. It’s a real red flag to me as a single woman.

Maybe being a woman, new men whom you meet don't feel like digging up painful memories of their past.

In my best friend's case, he only started telling me about why he left months after moving into my flat. I'm sure for any woman he met, this would have constituted a 'red flag', but lots of people don't feel comfortable opening up to people they've just met - men especially, I reckon.

23-02-2019 06:34PM

Leaving aside any possible relationship this man had with his family, why can people not accept his actions as a reflection of him rather than of his family, who could be very decent people? I don't mean that as a negative reflection on this man either.

Rather, I can understand that there are numerous if not countless very valid idiosyncratic reasons for somebody to want to "disappear". The human impulse for this shouldn't need explaining. It could include a sense of failure, of vulnerability, of self-anger, of disillusionment with life, and so much else. Many people can be overwhelmed with their own existence and feel they need a fresh break from everybody to make sense of it. Often, family would have experience of the personality traits involved and just learn to accept that their relative is going through one of those phases.

23-02-2019 06:43PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

So your friends with people who you judge and you consider to be lazy and selfish people.(If I'm reading that correctly).
Sometimes families aren't overly close.
Not everybody shares the real reason why they've lost contact with people shur we're not that close is a brush off in my experience.

Lots of people lose contact with family over horrendous dynamics or outright abuse, and if that's the case with this guy then it's a perfectly reasonable strategy for self-preservation to go NC and he's entitled to do whatever he wants for his own sake.

Equally his family might be perfectly normal and he might have a habit of leaving it too long to get in touch and his family get concerned about his whereabouts. Maybe his mother is ill and doesn't want to advertise it but would like him to be in contact instead of waiting until it occurs to him they might be worried. Or maybe he's not absent minded and he's just selfish, and it doesn't register with him that his presumably elderly parents would worry.

Or maybe one or both parties has mental health issues. Maybe he stormed out after a row and they feared the worst, maybe words were said and regretted and his family want the chance to put that right. The variables are too numerous to just decide his family must be the reason this situation occurred.

I think that's what Ginandtonicsky is getting at, and it's not at all unreasonable or judgemental. There's a few possible reasons why this situation may have occurred.

Gimme A Pound · 23-02-2019 06:50PM

Well I know two families whose sons have completely cut contact. One a slightly different situation - he's in the same city so at least they know he's alive, but otherwise they have zero connection. No his family is not a bad one - his mother is the nicest ever (his father is dead) as are his siblings.

The other guy - no idea whatsoever. Whether he's in Ireland or abroad; whether he's alive or dead. Again, lovely parents - mother now dead of cancer though.

So no it's not always because the family are awful, or for positive reasons. It can be just horrible selfish behaviour - imagine what the above two families are going through?

It's a bit irritating to see all this back slapping here about how the guy must have done the right thing for himself and probably had an awful family. So awful that there was a search for him.

ChikiChiki · 23-02-2019 06:54PM

Haven't talked to my mother in over a year. I tried to help her and gave her enough chances but she always let's me down.

I know from talking to my siblings she asks about me.

How Can You Go Four Months Without Contacting Your Family

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