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What is wrong with me?

  • 17-02-2019 03:06PM
    #1
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭


    I'm 30, and I haven't been in a proper relationship in about 9 or 10 years.

    I feel so, so alone at the moment, and many of my friends are getting married and having children so while I'm happy for them, every new engagement and baby announcement reminds me of everything I haven't got.

    I have loads of friends and I have absolutely no trouble making male friends - but for some reason they don't want anything more. I have two hobbies that are quite male dominated so I meet new guys regularly through them but they don't seem attracted to me/ don't see me that way.

    I am an average/ normal looking woman - neither repulsive nor beautiful. Average height, neither slim nor fat (size 12-14), dark hair, decent skin, look fairly young for my age. Lost a bit of weight this year and could do with losing a bit more. I'm not really interested in clothes and makeup at all, but I've been trying to make more of an effort in the last year.

    I have quite a big personality, and people often mix that up with confidence. I can be quite loud at times without realising it, and I love telling stories. I'm often described as both intelligent and funny - but I wonder are these characteristics men are looking for?

    I've had some really bad experiences on apps over the last couple of years and I feel totally drained with it. I have ended up in a number of "friends with benefits" situations with guys who I was attracted to but who "weren't looking for a relationship". On several occasions, those same guys were in a relationship with someone else a couple of months later.

    I have a good job and I'm financially independent, would always offer (and mean it genuinely) to go halves on a first date. I don't know if this is actually a turn off for men?

    There are certain mistakes I know I make - I get very excited and hopeful if I do meet with someone I seem to click with, I start thinking "this is it - finally!" and I think I come across too keen. But there's a part of me that thinks when it's the right guy, he'll be as keen as I am and that won't matter? Or is that just a scene from a romantic comedy?

    I don't drink and lately I think this is more of a factor than I had previously thought. Alcohol seems to lubricate a lot of the awkwardness of the first few dates for others?

    I don't have the best mental health either, but I know plenty of people in the same boat who have managed to find relationships, and I work on it every week in two different types of therapy.

    Every article I read tells me self-love is the key, but none of them tell me how to achieve it. I feel lost, broken and worthless (not to mention ugly). The other day I was overpowered by the thought that I might never find anyone, and spend the next 50 or so years on this planet alone.

    What can I do differently? What is it about me that can easily attract male friends but not romantic partners?

    How do I improve myself, and where do I find decent guys?

    I know some really bitter older women who never found love, and I would truly hate to become one of them.


«13

Comments

  • #2
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    We always hear how important our formative years are... I grew up in a home where my Dad was abusive (verbally/emotionally) to my Mam and my Mam was very bitter and passive aggressive towards him.

    I don't ever remember them getting on or having any affection for each other, loving each other, I've never seen a photo of their wedding day. They are still together to this day, even though they basically can't stand each other.

    There was a lot of fighting in the house growing up, and (I believe) as a result of that, I'm quite an argumentative person. I'm very emotional at times. My feelings are easily hurt.

    As I posted on another thread, I've been single for almost 10 years and I wonder if this is the root of why I find it so difficult to form loving relationships.

    I've been in therapy for years but progress is very slow and I wonder if it is really possible to rewrite your story at 30 when you've lived this experience your whole life.


  • #3
    CALI
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 47 ✭CALI


    I’ve no words of wisdom OP as I’m in the same boat but at 40. It’s great that you are trying to get a handle on all this now as I should have done at your age. Suddenly you’re 40 and no decent men are interested in you. I realise I sound bitter but it’s so difficult to be young at heart, still attractive (or so I’m told) yet men look at you as past your sell by date. I really did not expect things to change so dramatically. I’m deleting the dating apps as they are ruining my self confidence at the moment. Best of luck OP, you’re in the prime of your life to meet someone so keep plugging away. I do think there’s something to be said for people feeling like the have so much choice they don’t really want to settle with any one person.


  • #4
    Daisy78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,052 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    You mention that the guys you showed interest in ended up in relationships some months later. What type of women did they end up going out with? I’m not saying you should compare yourself with them necessarily but it might give you an indication of what might not be working for you. For example you say you are not into clothes or makeup and have male orientated hobbies, if these ended up dating very glamorous girly type women then perhaps they might not be your target audience so to speak. I do believe that people can meet at any age (and at 30 you are practically a child in the dating world though you might not believe it) but I think as we get older we may have to adjust our expectations somewhat and be a bit more open minded as to the type of guy/girl we would consider dating. If it’s clear a guy is only interested in something platonic then I’d move on, wasting emotional energy on someone like that will affect your self esteem. As for dating apps, I think the way to go is continue using them but temper your expectations as to potential outcomes, that way you won’t be too disappointed when things don’t turn out the way you want them to.


  • #5
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    Daisy78 wrote: »
    You mention that the guys you showed interest in ended up in relationships some months later. What type of women did they end up going out with? I’m not saying you should compare yourself with them necessarily but it might give you an indication of what might not be working for you. For example you say you are not into clothes or makeup and have male orientated hobbies, if these ended up dating very glamorous girly type women then perhaps they might not be your target audience so to speak. I do believe that people can meet at any age (and at 30 you are practically a child in the dating world though you might not believe it)

    Quite hard to believe it tbh when all my friends are getting engaged/ married. Particularly when I've been single for so long... since college... all of my adult life really. It makes me feel like something is specifically wrong with me.

    In most cases I haven't met the new gf/ don't know anything about her, but where I do it does seem to be that they are more physically attractive.


  • #6
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    OP welcome to PI/RI. However please be aware that it is against the forum charter to start multiple threads at once. Therefore I have I have merged your 2 threads.


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  • #7
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    Lots of women have the same issue. You're far from alone. It honestly feels like if you're not lucky enough to meet someone in your twenties and marry them by 29-30, your chances get really slim. I was unfortunately very ill throughout my twenties, and still don't have great health, and find it really hard to meet people. I met a guy at 31, but ended up getting strung along, really. We had lots of fun together but he just had no interest in settling down and having a serious, long term relationship. I also look at other women and wonder how they have so much more than me. I think a lot of men these days just prefer to have casual flings and one night stands, and app culture has greatly contributed to that. I remember back when I was about 25, there were always those who wanted casual sex, but a good number of men wanted something serious and were willing to commit. I don't really see that anymore.


  • #8
    Plopsu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    You sound perfectly fine to me. What are you looking for in a man (other than being willing to have a relationship with you)?


  • #9
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    Plopsu wrote: »
    You sound perfectly fine to me. What are you looking for in a man (other than being willing to have a relationship with you)?

    Intelligence is important to me. Similar values. And kindness. A sense of humour. I won't pretend looks don't matter but they are not the most important thing to me by a long way.

    It feels like I'm asking for a lot there, but it shouldn't be, really?


  • #10
    Plopsu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    Intelligence is important to me. Similar values. And kindness. A sense of humour. I won't pretend looks don't matter but they are not the most important thing to me by a long way.

    It feels like I'm asking for a lot there, but it shouldn't be, really?

    I wouldn't say that's asking for a lot at all. Pretty basic model romantic interest you're describing there. Are you approaching them or are they approaching you?


  • #11
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    Plopsu wrote: »
    I wouldn't say that's asking for a lot at all. Pretty basic model romantic interest you're describing there. Are you approaching them or are they approaching you?

    Because I don't drink I'm not out in bars and clubs a lot (also most of my friends are settled and have no interest) so I mostly meet men online through apps, most often Bumble.

    So I reach out to them first (women have to send the first message on Bumble). The last time I met a guy in real life we dated for a few weeks and then it turned out he was also seeing another woman who he ended up in a relationship with for about six months.

    When they broke up, he and I started sleeping together again but as friends with benefits. I know that's not a particularly good idea, but I enjoy sex and the comfort of sleeping next to someone occasionally.


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  • #12
    Plopsu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    Because I don't drink I'm not out in bars and clubs a lot (also most of my friends are settled and have no interest) so I mostly meet men online through apps, most often Bumble.

    So I reach out to them first (women have to send the first message on Bumble). The last time I met a guy in real life we dated for a few weeks and then it turned out he was also seeing another woman who he ended up in a relationship with for about six months.

    When they broke up, he and I started sleeping together again but as friends with benefits. I know that's not a particularly good idea, but I enjoy sex and the comfort of sleeping next to someone occasionally.

    Out of my depth so. I've never really understood the FWB thing. Isn't a friend you want to have sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend??
    Could you ask that guy why he saw you that way (as a FWB rather than girlfriend)? The answer might be difficult to hear but illuminating.


  • #13
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    Plopsu wrote: »
    Out of my depth so. I've never really understood the FWB thing. Isn't a friend you want to have sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend??
    Could you ask that guy why he saw you that way (as a FWB rather than girlfriend)? The answer might be difficult to hear but illuminating.

    It's actually a pattern over years. This has happened with numerous guys. In some cases it's 100% my fault i.e. getting involved with a guy who is not single, in others they just don't seem to see me as 'girlfriend material'.

    I could ask him but I don't think I can do it right now, I'm so down at the moment about it I think the answer might break my heart.


  • #14
    Plopsu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    I know it's hard seeing other people pairing off and thinking, "Why not me", but there are lots of good guys out there.
    Maybe look at the guys you've gone out with and see if there are any common patterns with the choices you make that are causing problems. Definitely don't get involved with a guy who's not single if you're looking for something more than sex.


  • #15
    heretothere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 635 ✭✭✭heretothere


    I'm the same age as you, it seems like a lot of my friends are in the same boat as you. I got lucky, and some of it really is down to luck, just the right place right time and being 'open' to meeting someone. I don't want to sound harsh but are you maybe coming across too strong? I've seen it happen, I know its not something you're doing on purpose.

    I do think dating apps have a lot to answer for though, internet dating was just kicking off really when I meet my husband so I don't have experience of it, but I agree with others does it give people the sense that there will always be something better out there instead of really giving what they've found a go!

    In saying all the above there are plenty of men in the 30 - 40 bracket looking to settle down I'm not saying rule out younger men just in general they're probably not going to be looking to settle down. You might just be going for the wrong sort of fella too, there is a lot to be said for the 'nice' guy.


  • #16
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    heretothere wrote: »
    I don't want to sound harsh but are you maybe coming across too strong? I've seen it happen, I know its not something you're doing on purpose.

    Yes, I think this is a big part of it. I'm very independent and financially secure in my own right, I'm generally considered quite intelligent, I'm quite interested in current affairs and politics and have strong opinions in these areas and on things like human rights.

    The thing is, if this is the problem, I'm screwed. I wouldn't know where to start with trying to change these things about myself and more to the point I don't think I should be changing these things.


  • #17
    Bigbagofcans
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    I can be quite loud at times without realising it, and I love telling stories.

    OP, you sound like you have a great personality and are intelligent. The above stood out to me though. So you love telling stories but are you also a good listener? A good listener is one that people will always have time for.

    Not saying you're like this but some people who tell stories without listening to others or are constantly talking can be draining on some people. Just something to note.


  • #18
    heretothere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 635 ✭✭✭heretothere


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    The thing is, if this is the problem, I'm screwed. I wouldn't know where to start with trying to change these things about myself and more to the point I don't think I should be changing these things.

    Oh no, that's not what I meant. Don't go changing any of those things about yourself. I meant when you first start dating someone don't be texting all the time etc. Like any good fire it needs a bit of oxygen to get going.


  • #19
    Ricosruffneck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,168 ✭✭✭Ricosruffneck


    Hi OP I hope this finds you well.

    'I'm quite interested in current affairs and politics and have strong opinions in these areas and on things like human rights.'

    are you actively campaigning or is it moreso sharing via social media? If so what issues are you most impassioned about? You had mentioned human rights (is any topic specific?)

    It feels like I'm asking for a lot there, but it shouldn't be, really?

    You're not asking for a lot at all. Just something everyone should hope to get.

    Your friends, are they from school days or have you gained them through adulthood. How's your relationship with them? Do you share things in common?

    If friendships were a solar system would you be orbiting someone else (i.e you're a planet/moon) or are your friends orbitting you (you're the sun)

    I hope this Board is constructive for you. :)


  • #20
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    Ricosruffneck wrote: »
    Hi OP I hope this finds you well.

    'I'm quite interested in current affairs and politics and have strong opinions in these areas and on things like human rights.'

    are you actively campaigning or is it moreso sharing via social media? If so what issues are you most impassioned about? You had mentioned human rights (is any topic specific?)

    I try to avoid it on social media but get sucked in sometimes. Generally speaking a lot of my friends would be involved in women's rights, LGBT rights, homeless rights, direct provision etc.

    I feel like I really missed an opportunity during the 8th referendum because I didn't canvas - I was going through a difficult time with my own mental health and didn't think it was a good idea to get involved, but I feel like I would have met a lot of people on my own wavelength if I had.
    Ricosruffneck wrote: »

    If friendships were a solar system would you be orbiting someone else (i.e you're a planet/moon) or are your friends orbitting you (you're the sun)

    I hope this Board is constructive for you. :)

    This is another piece of the puzzle. I'm certainly more planet than sun. A lot of my friends are in very long term relationships so often they are the 'sun' who decide to do something and then others get involved like myself.

    I lived in five cities in four countries during my 20s, so a lot of my closest friends are abroad. Particularly the single ones. I'm from down the country and lots of my friends from home/ school met partners and settled down really young.


  • #21
    1874
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,418 ✭✭✭1874


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    We always hear how important our formative years are... I grew up in a home where my Dad was abusive (verbally/emotionally) to my Mam and my Mam was very bitter and passive aggressive towards him.

    I don't ever remember them getting on or having any affection for each other, loving each other, I've never seen a photo of their wedding day. They are still together to this day, even though they basically can't stand each other.

    There was a lot of fighting in the house growing up, and (I believe) as a result of that, I'm quite an argumentative person. I'm very emotional at times. My feelings are easily hurt.

    As I posted on another thread, I've been single for almost 10 years and I wonder if this is the root of why I find it so difficult to form loving relationships.

    I've been in therapy for years but progress is very slow and I wonder if it is really possible to rewrite your story at 30 when you've lived this experience your whole life.


    From your posts, you seem fine, Im sure there are plenty of guys out there that would like to meet you, as a bloke I can say Id be more than happy to know of a woman with the qualities you mention, be even better to know that kind of thing when you meet them from my point of view, in many ways Id probably been the same when I was younger, but as a guy, similar family background, never thought Id meet anyone, didnt expect it, later on after being through failed relationships, realised I was looking for and at the wrong kind of people, maybe you're writing off guys who might be nice boyfriends?
    While I think its nice to have someone close to plan and do things together, its better (in hindsight) to not get it wrong and be stuck to the wrong person just for the sake of being married or in a permanent relationship, nothing is permanent really, do your own thing, I shouldnt have conformed too much and as I got a bit older I realised I diluted who I was and what I liked to fit in.
    A lot of guys really dont know what they want, I think maybe women too, some people think a relationship is the be all and end all to happiness, it can make happiness great or disappear altogether if they are difficult.
    I think its highly likely guys around the 30-30+ slightly age dont want permanent relationships for reasons not connected to you at all, I think its just the way things are. I certainly wouldnt be recommending married life and Im sure if the people/friends you know probably dont tell all about when things arent going so well. I think be who you want to be, easy to say and difficult to change circumstances, go and do the things you like or try new things, maybe you'll meet someone through common interests.
    What Ive come to beleive is you need to have some things in common, but overall have the same or similar values and goals, you can have different interests, I used to think people had to be almost opposites and they complement each other, but thats not really what Ive found.
    I dont know if you mean the therapy is related to your family history, mine used to get to me a lot, then I just accepted it and moved on, at times I think help/guidance/advice might have been nice but I didnt know if I really believed in it/wasnt as prevalent I think/didnt know where to get support. Take your own counsel and others, Im not suggesting stop therapy, but dont be so hard on yourself, I say that and I still am on myself, but less so than before.




    lainey_d_123 wrote: »
    Lots of women have the same issue. You're far from alone. It honestly feels like if you're not lucky enough to meet someone in your twenties and marry them by 29-30, your chances get really slim. I was unfortunately very ill throughout my twenties, and still don't have great health, and find it really hard to meet people. I met a guy at 31, but ended up getting strung along, really. We had lots of fun together but he just had no interest in settling down and having a serious, long term relationship. I also look at other women and wonder how they have so much more than me. I think a lot of men these days just prefer to have casual flings and one night stands, and app culture has greatly contributed to that. I remember back when I was about 25, there were always those who wanted casual sex, but a good number of men wanted something serious and were willing to commit. I don't really see that anymore.


    Same for guys too really


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  • #22
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    I know there are a lot of other single women (and men) out there but the fact that I haven't had any kind of relationship in so long really leads me to believe it's something that's wrong with me specifically.

    I actually feel like I repel men.

    Not as friends, not as sexual partners, but in terms of a relationship, I am not what they want.


  • #23
    1874
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,418 ✭✭✭1874


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    I know there are a lot of other single women (and men) out there but the fact that I haven't had any kind of relationship in so long really leads me to believe it's something that's wrong with me specifically.

    I actually feel like I repel men.

    Not as friends, not as sexual partners, but in terms of a relationship, I am not what they want.


    Dont think that way, that its you, its just could be the dating scene now I think and I consider it is likely the same for guys thinking they will never meet anyone, ten years ago I felt I was in the same place, your post could have me writing about myself, brief relationships or none at all, I tend to still believe it about myself but just accept people are different and some people will never understand others, mostly it seems some people are hardwired and programmed to follow a set routine and social networking and friends stuff online doesnt help in my opinion.
    Im on the cusp of a seperation and Im not afraid, I thought of posting in PI myself looking for advice, but Im actually relieved that I'll get to spend some time with myself and not have to put up with the kind of things a bad relationships can bring, I probably followed a pattern myself, I can understand if you've been single for a good while it can seem like the best thing since sliced bread, but it isnt always and you never know whats going on in peoples relationships.

    At least you have friends, good friends are good to have and I think on that score women are better to each other than guys, I think blokes have a tendency to either be in select groups or drift away from each other, women can be more open and concerned about staying in touch. Its possible/maybe even likely the exact same things affect women and guys really.
    Hard to know what to say, but dont beat yourself up over it.


  • #24
    Ricosruffneck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,168 ✭✭✭Ricosruffneck


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    I try to avoid it on social media but get sucked in sometimes. Generally speaking a lot of my friends would be involved in women's rights, LGBT rights, homeless rights, direct provision etc.

    I feel like I really missed an opportunity during the 8th referendum because I didn't canvas - I was going through a difficult time with my own mental health and didn't think it was a good idea to get involved, but I feel like I would have met a lot of people on my own wavelength if I had.



    This is another piece of the puzzle. I'm certainly more planet than sun. A lot of my friends are in very long term relationships so often they are the 'sun' who decide to do something and then others get involved like myself.

    I lived in five cities in four countries during my 20s, so a lot of my closest friends are abroad. Particularly the single ones. I'm from down the country and lots of my friends from home/ school met partners and settled down really young.

    The men you meet up with in a romantic sense, are they through the extended network of friends you mentioned here. Do you date these guys? Is there anyone you really fancy in these groups involved with your friends campaigns.

    Or is it mostly men through bumble?

    If it's mostly men through bumble, why these men? Do they differ much between the men you know in real life?


  • #25
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    Ricosruffneck wrote: »
    The men you meet up with in a romantic sense, are they through the extended network of friends you mentioned here. Do you date these guys? Is there anyone you really fancy in these groups involved with your friends campaigns.

    Or is it mostly men through bumble?

    If it's mostly men through bumble, why these men? Do they differ much between the men you know in real life?

    Almost all of my friends are settled down and don't have a lot of single males in their social circles. On the odd occasion that there is one it can be very awkward as my friends will attempt to push me together with a guy who I have absolutely nothing in common with just because we're both single.

    I haven't actually been out on a date in months. Before Christmas I got into this FWB situation that was ticking enough boxes that I haven't really been out with anyone else.

    I was meant to meet a guy off Bumble for a drink on Valentine's - he had asked me out and confirmed, then sent a message the night before that said "you look different in some of your other photos and I'm not attracted to you. Goodbye."

    This has shattered my confidence. As I said I'm a size 12-14 but I feel so fat at the moment I'm genuinely considering liposuction. Or a new wardrobe. Or laser hair removal. Or all of the above. I feel like men are more forgiving of women's personality flaws when they find her more attractive.


  • #26
    1874
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,418 ✭✭✭1874


    I think doing things yourself is underrated, I dont want to say just go out and own it like some nutty life coach thats bloody gorgeous and rich and doesnt actually have the concerns or problems of the people they advise, but I think go and do your own thing and enjoy yourself doing things you like, meeting someone could come after that, 30 seems so young, what Id do to go back to 35. I never heard of bumble before, Id heard of meetup, and I think its based more around friends and common interests that dating, that might be better, personally I think I could take the criticism and laugh or smile it off, if they dont like you to hell with them, go out and do what you like and enjoy.
    I dont know anything about lipo, but there are parkwalk/runs and I think its possibly a better option than surgery, doing exercise has other benefits, supposedly and I believe its true is that it helps release endorphins that make you feel good, now Im not certain I felt the high in the way other people explained it, or they were overstating it, so at least not to such an extent that it overcame the pain of burning legs and lungs, but exercise is a good thing you can do in stages, you dont need to run a marathon on the first try, and I believe a moderate bit of weights exercises is beneficial rather than just a lot of cardio, but any exercise is better than nothing ( I say that and Im too busy to walk my dog) there are probably meetups to do that, just go at your own pace.


  • #27
    lawred2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,745 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    Are you in Dublin?

    Could be a simple case of numbers. More eligible ladies than fellas in Dublin was always my feeling.

    Head down to Cork - plenty of lonely lads fed up with the supply down there.

    I used to be one. :)


  • #28
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    aloneforever99 wrote: »
    Almost all of my friends are settled down and don't have a lot of single males in their social circles. On the odd occasion that there is one it can be very awkward as my friends will attempt to push me together with a guy who I have absolutely nothing in common with just because we're both single.

    I haven't actually been out on a date in months. Before Christmas I got into this FWB situation that was ticking enough boxes that I haven't really been out with anyone else.

    I was meant to meet a guy off Bumble for a drink on Valentine's - he had asked me out and confirmed, then sent a message the night before that said "you look different in some of your other photos and I'm not attracted to you. Goodbye."

    This has shattered my confidence. As I said I'm a size 12-14 but I feel so fat at the moment I'm genuinely considering liposuction. Or a new wardrobe. Or laser hair removal. Or all of the above. I feel like men are more forgiving of women's personality flaws when they find her more attractive.

    I find online dating and apps just so incredibly toxic. There are a lot of very nasty people on there who seem to get a kick out of ruining women's self esteem. There's no reason to say 'I'm not attracted to you' other than to hurt you and destroy you. He could have easily made up an excuse. There's something so grim and sad about putting yourself on app to be swiped on and 'chosen' and judged. I don't think it's a coincidence that there's more depression and anxiety around than ever before. Dating is supposed to be fun. You're supposed to enjoy meeting people. How is any of this fun?

    I would focus my efforts on doing things you genuinely enjoy. Going to meetups, classes, branching out and meeting new people. Aim to meet friends, rather than potential boyfriends. I've always found that works far better than apps. At the very least you're enjoying yourself, being productive and getting out there. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.


  • #29
    santana75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,356 ✭✭✭santana75


    aloneforever99 wrote: »

    I don't have the best mental health either, but I know plenty of people in the same boat who have managed to find relationships, and I work on it every week in two different types of therapy.

    Op you're tying yourself in knots. You're thinking about liposuction, hair removal, you're going to two different forms of therapy every week, you're second guessing your own personality and wondering if men are attracted to this or that.........that'd wear anyone out. Whoever told you that self love was the answer was telling you the truth. And I know you dont know what that means, but can I suggest that instead of trying to contort yourself into something that you might think is more romantically pleasing to men, that you might look more into the concept of loving yourself. Forget about dating, FWB, apps, all that jazz. Forget about the whole thing. Call off the search and call off the self analysis. Theres a book by Gay Hendricks thats called "How to love yourself" and everything you'll ever need to know about self love is in there. And its ridiculously simple. Its not a long book, its quite short, but its central concept is very easy to follow but for someone like yourself, who seems very much lost in their own thinking, it might be a challenge for you.
    So please ditch all this nonsense because like I said you're doing nothing only tying yourself in knots and digging psychological holes that are deeper and deeper. Cut back on the therapy. Seriously you dont need it. You have to trust in yourself, not a therapist. And you can trust in yourself, you just have to take that chance and remove the safety net of therapists or multiple therapists.
    Theres nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong is that you think theres something wrong. But what happens when you start to actually develop a relationship with yourself is that you start to see the truth about yourself, other people and life. And you'll see that there was nothing wrong with you to begin with. Thats self love and when you cultivate self love within yourself all of a sudden the things that seemed so out of reach(like romantic relationships)fall into your lap because you are genuinely at the point where you dont need them. Yes you will get to the point where you wont need a romantic relationship and the irony is that when you do get to that point, romantic relationships will come to you. As you are, without you fixing yourself or getting liposuction or whatever. And I know you dont really believe that and thats ok, because you dont have to right now. All you need to do is to learn the art of loving and accepting yourself. If you put your energy into that and take it away from thinking about having a boyfriend or husband or trying to make yourself into something that you arent, then you'll see some real changes.


  • #30
    aloneforever99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 179 ✭✭aloneforever99


    santana75 wrote: »
    Op you're tying yourself in knots.

    I cried reading your post Santana. I know that you're right. It's just hard. I don't think I can give up therapy right now - I have a bunch of other problems with my family at the moment, but I see what you mean.


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  • #31
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Why do you think there's something wrong with you? It's highly unlikely that there is.

    I would have a very similar dating past - huge gaps between relationships. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at times but they were rare.

    A few years ago, I started replying to well intented comments - like "you'll meet someone soon with" with "anyone you can think of?"

    As a result, I went on lots of dates, friends of friends, colleagues of friends, a guy who plays 5 aside with my brother. None worked out but it was fun.

    I've met someone recently & early days, might last, might not but if it doesn't it's not the end of the world. I'm happy enough with myself regardless of what the future holds.

    Appreciate yourself, love yourself and go easy on yourself. It starts with you, become happy with yourself first.......


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