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Heartbroken and scared.

1356

Comments

  • #62
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 81,134 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    If it was me I would probably ring just too see what she wanted, curious and all that but follow your gut, what is that telling you?


  • #63
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,570 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If it is your ex's new woman then do not get involved. Anything that happened in your relationship is between you and him. Anything that's happening in their relationship is between her and him. You do not have to have any contact with her. You have no responsibility to her, or him. You don't need to get sucked in to whatever it is.

    There's a chance it's not her. I think I would wait to see does she try contact you again. As the poster above mentioned, if it's something important she'll get back to you.


  • #64
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Sephiroth_dude wrote: »
    If it was me I would probably ring just too see what she wanted, curious and all that but follow your gut, what is that telling you?

    My gut is telling me that it has been hard to claw my way to where I am now and I need to focus on me and not risk a setback. Yes I am curious but self preservation is stronger. I have not spoken about him or her to anyone so it is not a confrontation. There is some niggle telling me he is very ill or in hospital and she thought I should know. But If so again I need to worry about me, they can worry about him.


  • #65
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    If it is your ex's new woman then do not get involved. Anything that happened in your relationship is between you and him. Anything that's happening in their relationship is between her and him. You do not have to have any contact with her.

    I wouldn't think it's relationship really. Why would she be contacting me now if it was this? Anyway as you say, I don't have to have contact. I burned the number. If it was important at least she knows she tried.


  • #66
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,570 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If my ex was sick in hospital I certainly wouldn't expect his new gf, who I've never met to be the one to contact me. He's probably not sick in hospital!

    You never know, if it is her, he could be filling her head with all sorts. And she wanted to get your version. He might be stringing her along and she's coming to you for some insight.

    Again, whatever it is it's none of your concern. You're right with wanting to protect yourself.

    And then it might not be her at all.. It could be someone trying to sign you up to be a Forever Living agent or something!!


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  • #67
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    You never know, if it is her, he could be filling her head with all sorts. And she wanted to get your version. He might be stringing her along and she's coming to you for some insight.

    Again, whatever it is it's none of your concern. You're right with wanting to protect yourself.

    Well if it is this you can be sure I won't be getting involved. If it turns out she has doubts already then the relationship is in trouble but I won't be giving him the chance to say that I interfered in it or damaged it in any way. He can have the responsibility for doing that all by himself.


  • #68
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 81,134 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    KathleenGrant wrote: »
    My gut is telling me that it has been hard to claw my way to where I am now and I need to focus on me and not risk a setback. Yes I am curious but self preservation is stronger. I have not spoken about him or her to anyone so it is not a confrontation. There is some niggle telling me he is very ill or in hospital and she thought I should know. But If so again I need to worry about me, they can worry about him.

    If he is ill, well that's not your problem or your concern, as cold as that might sound.


  • #69
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Ah, good to see you burned the number. You wouldn't be human if you weren't curious to know why she called (if it is her) but I can't see any good coming of a phone call. My instinct tells me the visit was for her benefit, not yours. My guess is that either she is uneasy about what she has got herself into or he has been filling her head with lies and she now thinks you're interfering in some way. Either way, she's welcome to him.

    In the unlikely event he is ill, word will trickle back to you anyway.


  • #70
    Lisha
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,697 ✭✭✭Lisha


    Good for you Kathleen, you don’t need to be dragged into any drama. You are doing amazingly well. Be proud of yourself and just keep on keeping on.
    I think you are simply amazing.


  • #71
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Much of the advise given on this thread while well meaning, does not really help the OP long term. People are making out the the OP's ex just up'd and walked out over night. The reality is he probably thought about it for a very long time. A 10 year relationship is a huge thing to leave behind.

    OP I do not mean to be harsh here but I dont think he really needs to explain to you why he walked out, you almost certainly know why he did, you were with him for 10 years. You need to face up to that and do some soul searching or your next relationship will fail for the same reasons this one did. He does not owe you anything & if he chooses not to explain things to you then that is his choice. Relationships can be tough, so can breakups & the risks are something as adults we must accept or stay single.

    There is no point telling the OP that its all his fault, that kind of advise hurts people in the long run because lessons dont get learned, just brushed under the carpet.

    The OP's ex does not have "some cheek" walking out. He is free to do as he wishes. I doubt the OP would be happy for him to stay if he is miserable anyway


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  • #72
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    He was perfectly entitled to split from her. From what she has told us, the relationship was faltering anyway. My issue is with the underhand way he ended things.


  • #73
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    Much of the advise given on this thread while well meaning, does not really help the OP long term. People are making out the the OP's ex just up'd and walked out over night. The reality is he probably thought about it for a very long time. A 10 year relationship is a huge thing to leave behind.

    OP I do not mean to be harsh here but I dont think he really needs to explain to you why he walked out, you almost certainly know why he did, you were with him for 10 years. You need to face up to that and do some soul searching or your next relationship will fail for the same reasons this one did. He does not owe you anything & if he chooses not to explain things to you then that is his choice. Relationships can be tough, so can breakups & the risks are something as adults we must accept or stay single.

    There is no point telling the OP that its all his fault, that kind of advise hurts people in the long run because lessons dont get learned, just brushed under the carpet.

    The OP's ex does not have "some cheek" walking out. He is free to do as he wishes. I doubt the OP would be happy for him to stay if he is miserable anyway

    A ten year relationship is a big thing to leave, and he probably was thinking about for ages and certainly had it planned, even seems to have had enough mental space to have another relationship lined up.

    Despite all the thinking it over and planning he'd done, he left her with an hour's notice, with no apparent concern and certainly no material help for her keeping a roof over her head (skipping his turn at the rent in fact).

    He's free to do as he wishes, and he apparently wished to act like a complete shít. From Kathleen's very first post she's been acknowledging that she'd been ignoring distance between them, been preoccupied with family matters.

    He did this in the way that meant the least unpleasantness for himself, letting her think the relationship was ongoing when he'd obviously emotionally checked out of it, waiting until he had a new flat, new woman organised before dropping a bombshell on her. There's no nice way to end a LTR but this was a selfish, cowardly, coldhearted way to do it.


  • #74
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    Much of the advise given on this thread while well meaning, does not really help the OP long term. People are making out the the OP's ex just up'd and walked out over night. The reality is he probably thought about it for a very long time. A 10 year relationship is a huge thing to leave behind.

    OP I do not mean to be harsh here but I dont think he really needs to explain to you why he walked out, you almost certainly know why he did, you were with him for 10 years. You need to face up to that and do some soul searching or your next relationship will fail for the same reasons this one did. He does not owe you anything & if he chooses not to explain things to you then that is his choice. Relationships can be tough, so can breakups & the risks are something as adults we must accept or stay single.

    There is no point telling the OP that its all his fault, that kind of advise hurts people in the long run because lessons dont get learned, just brushed under the carpet.

    The OP's ex does not have "some cheek" walking out. He is free to do as he wishes. I doubt the OP would be happy for him to stay if he is miserable anyway


    I need to do some soul searching so my next relationship does not fail!!!!..... this was not my relationship, it was ours and if the relationship failed, the fault was not all mine. A ten year relationship may be hard to walk out on but if it is hard you try to avoid that by talking to the person, discussing issues, soul searching and trying to work together. This is a man who refused to talk about anything. This is a man who didn't support me in two major personal issues in my life because he had "already committed to playing a golfing tournament" I didn't this before because the thread was only about how I could pick up the pieces of my broken life. If you like I can write plenty about fault but it will be on both sides, more his than mine.

    I never asked him to stay nor would not. He doesn't have a cheek walking out, I have more respect for him and more self respect than to want any man to stay with me if he does not want to. BUT he has a cheek walking out at an hour's notice and stealing from me by not paying two months rent he should have paid when he knows I am under pressure already. That should tell you something about the character of my ex. You may think he has no fault but I think he has no emotional intelligence for not trying to fix the problem, no decency for stealing from me and no balls for running out the door at an hour's notice with no explanation


  • #75
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Plenty of red flags there, next time you spot a red flag in a partner, its best to deal with it there and then rather than be stung 10 years down the line. I agree with you that you both contributed to this but trying to lay more of the blame at his door is not going to change anything now but it will fill you with resentment. You need to move on from this.

    One thing you will have to understand is that men and women deal with emotional situations differently, a woman will generally talk about her feelings while a man may try get away from it all by, for example, playing sports. It is how we as a species have evolved. It is harsh to accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence for acting like most men do in such situations. You cannot force someone to talk.

    I hope it is just an oversight on his part regarding the rent money, please understand that he is mourning the relationship also and you say he is ill? Is he out of work because of his illness? Perhaps a gentle reminder about it would be the best approach.


  • #76
    amdublin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    Plenty of red flags there, next time you spot a red flag in a partner, its best to deal with it there and then rather than be stung 10 years down the line. I agree with you that you both contributed to this but trying to lay more of the blame at his door is not going to change anything now but it will fill you with resentment. You need to move on from this.

    One thing you will have to understand is that men and women deal with emotional situations differently, a woman will generally talk about her feelings while a man may try get away from it all by, for example, playing sports. It is how we as a species have evolved. It is harsh to accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence for acting like most men do in such situations. You cannot force someone to talk.

    I hope it is just an oversight on his part regarding the rent money, please understand that he is mourning the relationship also and you say he is ill? Is he out of work because of his illness? Perhaps a gentle reminder about it would be the best approach.

    Get away with your victim blaming would you.

    The op was treated very poorly by someone she was in a relationship and has dealt with that admirable (go Kathleen!).

    Your advice to her here is unhelpful and mean spirited. I sincerely hope none of your friends go to you for your "advice and help" in real life. Life is tough enough without making someone feel worse.

    Op. Stay strong. And stay away from that woman who called. You're doing great.

    (My theory is she wants to get your version of events he has told her. No doubt there will be lies in there. You owe nothing to either of them, stay well clear imo)


  • #77
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I meant to reply to this a couple of days ago to say: I'm glad you burned the number.

    We can only speculate on why she would have wanted to contact you, but I would very, very strongly suspect it's that she's realised that something he told her before he left isn't true or no longer makes sense. She wanted to verify something with you. Either way, it would have done you no good at all to have contact with her, and she was wrong to approach you - he's her problem now, warts and all. I'm so glad you burned the number - I probably wouldn't have been able to, in all honesty!

    I think you are doing fantastically. You are going to have good days and bad days still, ten years takes a long time to get over, but on the bad days just remember "this too will pass".

    Best of luck and keep your head up high :)

    xx


  • #78
    Necro
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 56,276 Mod ✭✭✭✭Necro


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    Plenty of red flags there, next time you spot a red flag in a partner, its best to deal with it there and then rather than be stung 10 years down the line. I agree with you that you both contributed to this but trying to lay more of the blame at his door is not going to change anything now but it will fill you with resentment. You need to move on from this.

    One thing you will have to understand is that men and women deal with emotional situations differently, a woman will generally talk about her feelings while a man may try get away from it all by, for example, playing sports. It is how we as a species have evolved. It is harsh to accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence for acting like most men do in such situations. You cannot force someone to talk.

    I hope it is just an oversight on his part regarding the rent money, please understand that he is mourning the relationship also and you say he is ill? Is he out of work because of his illness? Perhaps a gentle reminder about it would be the best approach.

    Before you wade in and start blathering on with all the above nonsense, sometimes it's best to actually read the thread and the dates that this information was posted.

    It's been over two months since her ex left the OP in the lurch for two months rent and with only an hour's notice, definitely not the way you make things out to be above.

    He clearly does lack emotional intelligence as up and leaving, with kids involved (even if they are not his, it was a 10 year relationship so some form of bond or connection was bound to form) is an absolutely cowardly way to do it.

    On top of that, he clearly had an exit strategy planned and a bit on the side - so he is definitely not the innocent party you attempt to make him out to be.

    Moderator: Current Affairs/IMHO, Soccer, Pro Wrestling



  • #79
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    I am upset today, missing him and more likely missing being part of a couple.

    I think I have been so busy working and trying to financially keep my head above water that I didn't grieve the loss of the relationship (or maybe if I am honest the loss of a relationship.

    I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone to unwind with. I miss physical contact with another person.


  • #80
    DeanAustin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,885 ✭✭✭DeanAustin


    KathleenGrant wrote: »
    I am upset today, missing him and more likely missing being part of a couple.

    I think I have been so busy working and trying to financially keep my head above water that I didn't grieve the loss of the relationship (or maybe if I am honest the loss of a relationship.

    I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone to unwind with. I miss physical contact with another person.

    Haven’t read the whole thread but seen a few posts and you’ve been treated badly. Please don’t do anything stupid. Things are never as bad as you think - all the bad experiences I’ve ever had have never seemed as bad with the benefit of hindsight. It’s hard, really hard but just get through this and things will get better. Talk to someone please, it really helps.


  • #81
    amdublin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Aww I'm so sorry for you. There will be good days and bad days. This is a bad day but it will pass and the good days return. And the good will outweigh the bad.

    He has been a sh1t but of course you miss the relationship and maybe even him a little too.

    God bless your honesty. It's brave ackowledgingand typing what you did.

    Please remember though this will pass and their is a brighter future out there for you


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  • #82
    Lisha
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,697 ✭✭✭Lisha


    I think you are right in saying you miss being part of a couple more than you miss him. In the long run being part of an unhappy couple would be soul destroying.

    You are so brave to come this far. Keep your head high.
    Do something today to make yourself feel good. You deserve to be happy and the worst is behind you.

    Just keep on keeping on.
    I think you are amazing


  • #83
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Hi Kathleen,

    As the last couple of posters have said, you are going to have good days and bad days. You need to remember that the bad days will pass and become less frequent over time. The strength that comes across in your posts considering what has happened to you is astonishing and a credit to you. But please know that you do not have to deal with this on your own.

    We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If you need help urgently and outside of GP hours, please go to your nearest A&E department.

    Here at Boards.ie the moderators are not trained to support people experiencing difficulties. There are other organisations better positioned to provide specialised support. These organisations are listed below. I hope that you will follow these up so that you can get the help and support you need.

    If you need immediate help:
    Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

    The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

    Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click 'Contact us' to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email mary@pieta.ie for advice on getting an appointment.

    If you need non-urgent help:
    Aware have a support email service at supportmail@aware.ie

    There are some other useful services that you can use also listed here.

    Please look after yourself, Kathleen.

    I'm afraid I have to close this thread for the moment pending moderator review. Thanks & grma to all who posted.

    Wiggle


  • #84
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod note:

    Thread reopened after moderator review & OP's request.


  • #85
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    So I have gotten over my sad hump and feeling sorry for myself. I went to stay with a friend for a couple of days and it did me the world of good. I laoughed so hard last night i have pains in my jaws today. I said something about dark thoughts the other day which caused concern to people and i apologise. I PMd the Mod and explained what I meant. Those thoughts were of feeling tired of always working and being alone now and life not getting any easier and being dragged down They were honestly nothing more than that. I have 2 kids still dependent on me and i would never not fulfil my responsibilities to them. And then when they finish college I will be due so much payback it will take me years to spend it all!!


  • #86
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    You sound like a wonderful lady Kathleen. I wish you all the happiness in the world.


  • #87
    RhubarbCrumble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭RhubarbCrumble


    zapper55 wrote: »
    You sound like a wonderful lady Kathleen. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

    Absolutely agree. You sound like an amazing lady Kathleen. You've been so strong throughout this. You deserve nothing but happiness.


  • #88
    amdublin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    You've got this girl!


  • #89
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,916 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Ah Kathleen, I took it at face value - the hard hard work of having kids dependent on you, keeping all the balls in the air on top of everything else. You are amazing. And it won't always be like this. Ok, I know you probably don't feel ready at all, but who knows what might walk into your life in the future. You are in the process of healing, it's been very little time really and you do need to be nice to yourself. Hang in there, and don't be afraid to have a good cry sometimes....it can be cathartic :) I know you probably don't feel strong, you're just doing what you have to, but you are strong - you are inspiring.


  • #90
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Wow! Just realised it was 6 months yesterday and I didn't realise it. That must be a good sign.


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  • #91
    Lisha
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,697 ✭✭✭Lisha


    KathleenGrant wrote: »
    Wow! Just realised it was 6 months yesterday and I didn't realise it. That must be a good sign.

    Yaaaasss Kathleen you just keep on keeping on!! Good for you .


This discussion has been closed.
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