How to make sure he is comfortable...

Notabigdeal? · 03-12-2018 12:39PM #1

I have been officially with my boyfriend for two months now and it is my first time being in a serious relationship in several years. We get along so well and I am completely mad about him, we actually haven't spent longer than 24 hours apart since we became official!

However, we have completley different social lives. We are both living abroad but I have been here longer than he has. I would be his only friend here while I have quite a few great friends that I make sure to still talk to and spend time with, despite my blossoming romance.

I have invited him along to meet my friends but when he is in a group he is completely silent. I never noticed him being shy with me but je doesn't say a word in a group. My best friend always makes so much effort to talk to him and bring him out of his shell but it creates a bit of an awkwardness to have someone completely silent.

I don't want to change anything about him, or bring up him being quiet, but how do I smooth this along? I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I also get so worried that he isn't having a good time at parties etc and it distracts me.

Also, him not having any friends other than me does put a bit of pressure on our relationship. I feel guilty when I go out with my friends (though he is always very encouraging and tells me to go) and I know he is at home not doing much...This weekend I spent everyday with my friends and met him in the evening. Or I invited him along when it was just me and my best friend, because I know she will talk to him and he is better not in groups.

Any advice? Has anyone else experienced a massive social difference between you and your partner? I just get worried about him being lonely

He has many friends from his country but he doesn't seem willing to make the effort here...

hawley · 03-12-2018 01:52PM

It sounds like you are in an awkward situation. Of course, you don't want for him to be stuck inside by himself when you're out enjoying yourself. He seems like quite a nice person and is encouraging you to socialise. It's very difficult to give advice when you don't know what type of person he is. If it was me, I wouldn't enjoy going out in a group with my partner and her friends and I would find it awkward. Is there an ex-pat community that he could get involved with? I think that you should leave him at home on nights out with your friends. The only other thing you can do is to encourage him to get involved in activities, but not be overly pushy. If it becomes a strain in future, then at least you'll know that you tried to help him.

Notabigdeal? · 03-12-2018 02:21PM

hawley wrote: »

It sounds like you are in an awkward situation. Of course, you don't want for him to be stuck inside by himself when you're out enjoying yourself. He seems like quite a nice person and is encouraging you to socialise. It's very difficult to give advice when you don't know what type of person he is. If it was me, I wouldn't enjoy going out in a group with my partner and her friends and I would find it awkward. Is there an ex-pat community that he could get involved with? I think that you should leave him at home on nights out with your friends. The only other thing you can do is to encourage him to get involved in activities, but not be overly pushy. If it becomes a strain in future, then at least you'll know that you tried to help him.

Thank you for replying.

Yes, now he doesn't really go out if there is more than one of my friends with me. he doesn't really wqant to be out with a big gaggle of us cackling away anyway.

He is a very quiet person in general and would be consider the "quiet person in the group". I don't mind, since this is one of the reasons I love him so much, because he quiet, thoughtful, caring and notices things other people wouldn't.

I have tried to have double dates with my friends and their boyfriends but he never seems interested or bothered to make contact afterwards...but I know he is lonely in that sense

He messages his friends from home constantly.

He has lived abroad in two different countries the last four years but it is harder here to make friends...Paris syndrome.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-12-2018 02:32PM

How he is now, is how he was before he met you. And it seems he's managed all along. I think you need to just let him be who he is. Don't bring him along on nights out with a crowd. He won't enjoy it, nor will you, nor will your friends who either struggle to make small talk with him, or just start turning against him because they think he's not bothered making an effort, or whatever.

The one thing I will say is do not change who you are to suit him. Do not avoid going out in groups, in order to sit in with him at home. He's fine. He's a grown man who has gotten this far in life. You are two individual people. Don't let go of that.

You do what makes you happy, he will do what makes him happy and that way you are both happy.

CPTM · 03-12-2018 02:36PM

I'm not sure OP, it sounds like it is an issue for you but there's a kindness filter in your head that's telling you it's not allowed to be an issue. I think it's very normal for a guy to not want to have a big group of mates, and it's also quite normal for a guy to be quieter than his girlfriend. If it's really no issue for you, I would let him be him and if that's being quiet in large groups, then so be it. I certainly wouldn't try to change how he is socially because that's his job to do, and anything anyone else does is walking a line between being "caring" and being "controlling".

tara73 · 03-12-2018 03:06PM

for me, this sounds a bit worrying. you can be shy, but everybody has been given the gift to speak, why can't he even make a bit of an effort to do some small talk or even some sort of conversation, answer questions your (nice) friends ask him? if he's not completely numb he must notice you and your friends make a lot of effort to integrate him and somehow acknowledge this. Is he friendly in general with your friends?

you didn't describe any other aspects of his life, like work, hobbies. how is he there? does he has a job where's not necessary to talk? does he has no hobbies?

I have a story in mind whith the boyfriend of my best friend. I remember very well the first time meeting him. we were in a group of friends, sitting outside in nice summer weather, everybody happy chatting along. He was just sitting there, saying nothing. I also remember me trying to integrate him and asking him a few questions or trying to talk to him. He still was just sitting there, looking at me with no expression on his face, saying nothing. Felt so weird.

After getting to know him a bit better, turned out it was arrogance. He felt 'above us' or superior to anybody not just our circle of friends.

Not saying your bf is like that, but want to point it out as a possibility. You don't know him that long though.

osarusan · 03-12-2018 03:15PM

Have you any indication that he wants to be more active socially, wants a wider circle of friends, etc.? Has he ever mentioned any kind of social anxiety?

It's only an issue if he is unhappy about not having many friends. He could be perfectly happy with the situation. Is there actually anything that needs to be 'fixed' here?

As mentioned above, don't try to change him, and don't change yourself either. He seems happy for you to go out with your friends, and doesn't seem to resent your social life at all. That's a good thing anyway.

Be careful that you are not looking to improve things to make you feel better about them, rather than him.

Jurgen Klopp · 03-12-2018 03:24PM

OP I would say it's a great thing that he encourages you to go out with friends and he's happy have time to himself. I had an ex who had no friends and I was hassled for not being with her constantly, so if he's happy do his own thing i wouldn't worry

Another thing is maybe he just doesn't like big groups or nights out? I know some men married decades and their happy chill at home while the wife heads off to meet friends for dinner etc and they are perfect

If he's happy to meet a friend or two of yours for dinner then that's fairly good IMO

Then there is the case that despite being your friends he just doesn't want to be friends with your friends? I mean if he's happy meet the odd friend for dinner with you and support you by going to the odd wedding or birthday party then I wouldn't worry

LirW · 03-12-2018 03:27PM

That's my partner.
He's the loveliest person but whenever we get into a social situation with friends or family of mine, he's very quiet. Partly because we sometimes speak another language and while he's okay-ish in it, he always thinks it's better to leave us. But even so, he's just a solitary person.
We talked about that quite a bit but I gathered the best thing is to just leave him to it.
There's a good chance he has family members like that, in my guy's case it's his mother and he has a cousin who's quite the same.
Believe me, it's more awkward for you than it is for him because it's just the way he is.
Don't try to force it, talk to him about it but don't hold it against him, it's pointless.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2018 03:37PM

Maybe he is just an introvert and doesn’t need the constant stimulation of the company of others. If he is going out with your friends would take effort on his part and probably is draining. If he’s happy with his own company while you’re out who cares

Ghekko · 03-12-2018 03:47PM

Continue to meet your friends on your own and don't ever feel guilted into staying in just to keep him company. I'd be wary of him being silent in company with your friends. Already this is making you feel uncomfortable, and most likely your friends will feel the same. Don't end up in a situation where you are being isolated from friends because of this issue. Go out, enjoy your friendships and don't get to a stage where you are sitting in every night to please him. It's great that he's encouraging you to go out now, so hopefully he is genuinely happy that you do. It's up to him to go out and make friends of his own liking.

December2012 · 03-12-2018 03:53PM

Is he being rude? Will he start a conversation, even in a small group?

Notabigdeal? · 03-12-2018 06:03PM

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your responses. to answer some of your questions:

1, No, he has never mentioned any social anxiety and it wouldn't be a snobby thing. He is very down to earth.

2, No, at the moment there isn't much going on in his life. He is highly qualified in a very admirable career path but is taking a break to learn the language of the country we are in. So his days are just class (when he goes) and me in the evening. He smokes a lot of weed...

3, I think my friends have found it strange though I haven't spoken to them about it really since I don't want to be disloyal to him. Though once we were quite drunk and I heard a friend of a friend call him rude to another friend of mine as he was sitting there waiting for me to leave...it does give a terrible impression despite him being one of the mosty polite people I have ever met. Especially since we are all very friendly people.

4, He makes conversation when we are in a group of three.

My worries are more so stemming to thinking about him being lonely and this putting a pressure on our relationship. Like I mentioned, he has lots of friends in his home country and would be social with them so I don't think he is an introvert...especialy since we spend everyday together, I understand introverts don't like that?

zapper55 · 03-12-2018 06:20PM

Could be just be really stoned all the time and not bothering to.make an effort? I.gotta say the more you post about him the more I think wonder how the relationship will be healthy and beneficial for you.

zoobizoo · 03-12-2018 09:36PM

Notabigdeal? wrote: »

4, He makes conversation when we are in a group of three.

When I used to be socially anxious.... I never told anyone.

I would have sat in groups in silence panicking if someone spoke to me.

I still can't stand big groups of people, not because I'm anxious but because the style of chat doesn't suit me. Stick me in a smaller group and I find it much more enjoyable.

Your fella gets on best when it's you and someone else so maybe he just likes smaller groups although if it's double dating you were doing maybe he feels intimidated by the other guy.... And more than likely he won't admit to that.

Does he have an interest in other people like your friends and family?

leggo · 04-12-2018 12:06AM

Try talk to him gently about social anxiety, it might be an issue, it might even be something that's been totally normal for him but even reading into he might relate and feel better knowing so many people out there are going through similar. I'd bring this up non-confrontationally (and you sound pretty emotionally intelligent so I'd say you'll get the tone bang on) and not like you're trying to 'fix' an issue (there may be none and he could be zen being who he is), but just more like "I've noticed.../Is there anything I can do to help?" then go from there and have an open chat, gently introducing the idea of social anxiety if it feels right. I accepted ages back that I'm not great being in big groups of people I don't know. That's fine, I limit situations where that'll be the case and try catch people more 1-to-1. I'm honest about my limitations with my girlfriend and also open to compromise and try push myself when needed, so the open dialogue there allows us to figure out ways in the middle we're both happy.

Having said that, it's okay if you're feeling the strain of this and maybe starting to wonder if he's the one for you. We can be with people and have them behave certain ways that are totally acceptable, yet they still don't work for us, that's not being selfish. You sound like you don't want to say it but you're feeling a bit of pressure from him having no life outside of you, yet perhaps you're putting a lot of that pressure on yourself. Or maybe you're just a good girlfriend with a busy life who likes a guy who has his own busy life too and you're learning that through this, that's okay too. This is why we date: not everyone is going to be 'the one' and not every failed relationship needs to have a good and bad guy, we date people to figure out what we like and dislike that help us better refine our tastes until we can spot the person that brings out the best in us and that we have our best possible lives with.

The million dollar question for you here OP is: does he do bring out the best in you or do you already feel he's holding you back a little? Is this your best possible life with your best possible partner or do you feel you'll look back on him as a good guy...but not for you? A good litmus test for this, I find, is asking yourself if 5-10 (or however many) years down the line you were to look at marrying him, would you be content if he was the exact same person or would he need to change? You may think it's crazy to think like that after just two months, but also if you're noticing things you'd change just two months in too, that's not great either.

joeguevara · 04-12-2018 03:09AM

Your friends don’t have to be his friends and as long as he treats you well and you are happy then your friends should not be bad mouthing him because he does not engage with them.

You mention that he does talk and engage when there is just one of your friends there. Perhaps it’s an idea to confide in your best friend and say you want to show that he isn’t being rude and is just introverted in large groups. Perhaps if it is agreeable to both of you that you could start going out in small groups so they can see the guy you see and they know that it is not rudeness that keeps him quiet.

He really should be creating his own social life and not be so dependent on you. If he really is there to learn a language then sitting at home alone getting stoned will not help that. Maybe research a few meet up groups or sports groups that could introduce him to his own circle of friends.

I hate when people blame weed for being quiet. I hate the feeling of being stoned but have many friends that love it. Never are they quiet on it unless completely baked and are usually very entertaining.

pwurple · 04-12-2018 07:01AM

People don’t have to be extroverts, nothing wrong with preferring small groups. I prefer small gangs myself and find big events exhausting.

However, he does need to make an effort with your friends. It’s just being part of the community. Hi there, how are you, and then listen.

I find it slightly tricky to reconcile the impressive career with taking a break to smoke pot and learn a language.

The part where you say “(when he goes)”.... do we read that he doesn’t always bother attending?

Those things combined would raise a little flag for me... no effort with friends, dropping career, pot, not going to the classes he dropped career for... I would be looking out for general laziness, and be wary if the relationship slides into you being his Mammy, taking care of his life, bills, clothes, food, cleaning etc.

Notabigdeal? · 04-12-2018 10:26AM

Hello everyone,

Thanks again for the responses. A few points:

1, Yes, well really he is here learning the language so he can practice medicine here. He isn't from Europe and has to do exams to make his degree applicable here so he can work. I was confused too, this daily weed smoking guy managed to get through seven years of med school and volunteered in a third world country for two years...but people aren't black and white. You can love weed and still be a highly intelligent person that works hard.

2, Being a pot head would usually be a deal breaker for me since I used to love the stuff but haven't been smoking it regularly for years. I do smoke it everyday with him now

But this is another contradiction to your typical "stoner", he is always cleaning and cooking and has made me lunch for work a few times.

3, That's why I think he is unhappy here in his heart and is using weed etc to be okay with only having me and not making an effort with other friends. I will bring up the topic of social anxiety and see. Going by his stories etc from before, I don't see how he could be happy here with just me. It puts a lot of pressure on us as a couple because I feel like I am his main source of happiness/social outlet. Also, he won't learn how to speak the language if he spend shis days just being stoned with me speaking in English...

Thanks for all these insights, they have giving me food for thought...

Faith · 04-12-2018 11:18AM

Is his home country Ireland too? I ask because it doesn't sound like he's overly happy in the country you're in presently, and you sound quite invested in the relationship, so what would happen if he suddenly decided to up sticks and go back home?

If you were to take a step back and look at your relationship as an outsider might see it, how does it look?

TheBoyConor · 04-12-2018 01:21PM

I think he might be an introvert. Maybe you should ask him to consider counselling for social anxiety or introversion?

I know a few people who are introverts and tbh, they are hard work. They are fine and nice and everything but conversation has to be dragged out of them and it is exhausting to be around. Even a simple conversation feels like you are conducting an interrogation. I couldn't deal with having one as a partner tbh.

Ursus Horribilis · 04-12-2018 02:43PM

Do you actually know what an introvert is? I think not.

osarusan · 04-12-2018 02:55PM

Faith wrote: »

Is his home country Ireland too? I ask because it doesn't sound like he's overly happy in the country you're in presently, and you sound quite invested in the relationship, so what would happen if he suddenly decided to up sticks and go back home?

It says in the post above yours that he's not from Europe, and it seems he is in this European country to learn a language, which will allow him to use his medical qualifications (earned wherever he is from) to practice medicine in this European country.

But it seems like he doesn't always go to classes, and sits at home alone a lot instead. So maybe it's not just a case that he is happy with his own company - missing the classes he should be taking to improve his language proficiency (and therefore his career) and instead sitting at home smoking weed, is not a good sign.

Rather than focusing just on why he isn't making friends easily or comfortable in a group, it might be better to look at why this person who was career-driven and motivated enough to move to a country to learn the language has stopped making the same kind of efforts to learn the language, and is instead content to sit at home smoking weed (although it might be the case that they have always smoked weed, rather than it being something new).

Aufbau · 05-12-2018 12:44AM

He has lived abroad in two different countries in four years, and is now in a third country to learn the language so he can practice medicine there? Is that correct?

When did he qualify? Why isn't he working in his home country?

From your description he sounds like a nice enough guy (as long as he's on his own) but a bit of a waster. Being cynical here, how do you know that he is actually qualified as he says he is? Could he be just a drifter, with a good line in guff, for some reason you don't know? Two months isn't enough time to know somebody.

Sephiroth_dude · 05-12-2018 12:45AM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think he might be an introvert. Maybe you should ask him to consider counselling for social anxiety or introversion?

I know a few people who are introverts and tbh, they are hard work. They are fine and nice and everything but conversation has to be dragged out of them and it is exhausting to be around. Even a simple conversation feels like you are conducting an interrogation. I couldn't deal with having one as a partner tbh.

You deserve a serious dressing down for that post tbh.

How to make sure he is comfortable...

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