How can I let this guy at work down gently?

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 12:16AM #1

I have been texting a guy at work for the past two months. I think he is a nice person and I like talking to him. He asked me about a month ago was I single and I said no at the time because I didnt want to complicate work or go down that road. We remained in touch occasionally having completely friendly conversations and have arranged to meet for a cigarette break soon at work. All platonic on my part. This evening he said "lets make a plan to go for dinner or coffee" but I am a little uneasy about meeting outside work as I dont want it to complicate things in work esp if people found out. If they did it would definitely affect my work performance more than him and I am not long in the job either. How can I let him down gently but remain friendly with him?

Passenger · 29-11-2018 12:23AM

Be honest and tell him exactly what you've posted here imho.

Bobtheman · 29-11-2018 12:23AM

You should just say you are in a relationship. End of.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 12:27AM

But if im in a relationship then hes going to be wondering why am I texting him etc. My hunch is just to be honest about work but felt I needed to seek advice also as I will have to see him everyday at work and consult with him regularly

leggo · 29-11-2018 12:31AM

"I remember you asked me if I was single a while back and maybe I've taken you up the wrong way but I wouldn't like to get involved in anything with someone from work. I do enjoy chatting to you in work and would like to be friends though."

Wheety · 29-11-2018 12:33AM

If you don't want anything to happen between you two, then stop texting him so much. Without meaning to, you're leading him on. Not your fault, but he'll be encouraged by your niceness.

bilbot79 · 29-11-2018 12:34AM

Could you just stop leading him on? Would that solve the issue?

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 12:47AM

Thats it I dont want to lead him on hence why I said before that I wasnt single, he is genuinely a nice guy and I do enjoy talking to him but Im just not prepared to go there romantically and dont want to cause any bad air either as my biggest fear is people at work finding out about this

bilbot79 · 29-11-2018 12:51AM

You said earlier 'if I tell him I'm in a relationship he'll wonder why I'm texting him so much'

Therefore the level of texting is so high as to suggest there is more going on. I imagine you text because you like him but not enough to take the risk of a relationship at work. This is leading him on, but not intentionally, sort of.

You don't need to let him down, just stop flirting and he'll get the message pretty quickly

Wheety · 29-11-2018 12:53AM

I've been that guy. He thinks there's something there. He's asked you to dinner despite you saying you're not single! Nip it in the bud fairly sharpish. I don't care if you are new. You won't be upsetting anyone but him. Others probably know what he's like anyway.

Stop texting him. If he asks you out again just say no. Say you only see him as a friend. Do not go to dinner if he says that's all it would be, 2 friends going to dinner. It's never nice to let someone down like that but there's no easy way out

Big Bag of Chips · 29-11-2018 08:18AM

You're being selfish by deciding you don't want to stop texting him because you enjoy talking to him. You know he likes you, you know you have to 'let him down gently' which means you know he is interested in something more than friendship with you. You can't be friends with him. Simply because he doesn't want to be friends with you. He wants more.

So you are leading him on. You are giving him hope that you will go out with him. And he already thinks your 'relationship' mustn't be that great because you text him so often. If you were in a happy commited relationship then you definitely would not have this level of contact with another man who you know is interested in you.

Don't reply to all his texts. Don't reply immediately. Let the friendship drift back to colleague level. Like it or not you are leading him on. And THAT'S more likely to get you in trouble in work than pulling back a bit and maintaining a bit of distance is.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 09:43AM

So what will I say to him?

harr · 29-11-2018 09:54AM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

So what will I say to him?

Be truthful be apologetic about the texts and apologies if he felt you were leading him on.
Explain about work and that you feel it’s better to keep things professional.
I have a feeling that if you weren’t working together you might have given the date a go as it sounds like you are fond of him and him you.
If you both are happy after that and want to keep exchanging texts fine but you will have to be clear to him that’s as far as things can go.
Don’t let it fester any longer the sooner the better to clear this up.

December2012 · 29-11-2018 09:55AM

You could
A) ignore the invite

stop responding to the texts
C) stop texting so much
D) say 'no thanks'. No is a complete sentence
E) say 'No thanks that sounds too much like a date and you know how I feel.about that'.

Any of the above.

You can't have it every way. You have to consider what is an acceptable level of communication with a work colleague, one who might fancy you.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 11:25AM

harr wrote: »

Be truthful be apologetic about the texts and apologies if he felt you were leading him on.
Explain about work and that you feel it’s better to keep things professional.
I have a feeling that if you weren’t working together you might have given the date a go as it sounds like you are fond of him and him you.
If you both are happy after that and want to keep exchanging texts fine but you will have to be clear to him that’s as far as things can go.
Don’t let it fester any longer the sooner the better to clear this up.

Your right I do like him he is very nice makes me feel ‘looked after’ and secure and I love talking to him but due to the nature of our jobs I’m not ready to start seeing him romantically outside work hence why I like to be friends with him and see him during work but I know it’s not fair on him. Honesty is best policy so I will be honest and let things take its course

Big Bag of Chips · 29-11-2018 11:30AM

You can deflect/ignore. You can stop replying and then if he asks in work about why you didn't respond tell him you were busy. Didn't see your phone etc.

If you're not comfortable being direct with a "Thanks but no thanks" then it is perfectly acceptable to just avoid contact with him, and keep things polite but not pally in work. He'll soon get the message and if he doesn't then you'll have to go the direct route.

Xterminator · 29-11-2018 11:46AM

Op

you could be clear with him, and tell him you see this as a platonic friendship and continue the friendship. That sounds like a simple and easy thing to do. Go out together for coffee after work. Be clear and blunt that you would like him as a friend but that it will never be more. see how he reacts, there is a chance he drops the friendship, but that's a risk you might have to take.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 03:32PM

Does this message sound ok:

“Thank you for the invitation I appreciate your offer but I don’t think it’s a good idea as I think it would impact too much on work, but I would like us to stay friends”

harr · 29-11-2018 03:56PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Does this message sound ok:

“Thank you for the invitation I appreciate your offer but I don’t think it’s a good idea as I think it would impact too much on work, but I would like us to stay friends”

As in a text message?
Honestly you would be better off saying it face to face all this texting is what teenagers do.
Go for a coffee or cigarette and explain the situation

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 04:03PM

He text me and asked me last night so I need to reply something

December2012 · 29-11-2018 04:26PM

You don't have to respond today. You don't have to respond quickly at all.

If you didn't work with him, would you date him?

miamee · 29-11-2018 04:27PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

He text me and asked me last night so I need to reply something

If you haven't replied by now he already knows the answer is no, tbh. Maybe say you'd love to but would rather keep things professional for the moment as you feel you still have to prove yourself at work.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 05:16PM

December2012 wrote: »

You don't have to respond today. You don't have to respond quickly at all.

If you didn't work with him, would you date him?

Yes. He is leaving in a month also and moving to another town so realistically it wouldn’t work

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 06:33PM

Ok so I sent the message that I want to keep personal and work life separate as it would impact on work too much but want to remain friends. Yes it should be done face to face but English isn’t his first language so it’s easier this way.
I feel bad about it and confused. I really enjoy talking to this guy and I love seeing him and work and I suppose I want to get to know him more (hence the smoke breaks) before I jumped into anything. I’m being cautious, I’m 29 and don’t want to make a mistake that will make work uncomfortable yet equally I don’t want to cut myself short of someone I am fond of

LegacyUser · 29-11-2018 07:35PM

Hang on, heâ€™s leaving work in a month?! Then go for it! You obviously really like him. Even the most uptight workplace wonâ€™t frown on you dating someone who USED to work there!

Faith · 29-11-2018 07:35PM

You’ve had several threads here about interpersonal issues. Is this a regular issue for you, that you don’t know how to communicate clearly and assertively with others? I’m wondering if assertiveness training might be beneficial for you.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 08:09PM

Faith wrote: »

You’ve had several threads here about interpersonal issues. Is this a regular issue for you, that you don’t know how to communicate clearly and assertively with others? I’m wondering if assertiveness training might be beneficial for you.

Potentially. No I am not assertive as I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing and affecting other people and their perception of me. For eg. After work I reflect on things I say to people and question whether it was the right thing or not and try interpret how they may see me now after I said it.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-11-2018 10:10PM

He replied to my message and said he didnt mean it that way he was just being friendly and saying we can go out some day and that yes we are friends. now im confused and feel like an awful t**

ligerdub · 29-11-2018 10:16PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote:

He replied to my message and said he didnt mean it that way he was just being friendly and saying we can go out some day and that yes we are friends. now im confused and feel like an awful t**

Sounds like a face saving comment on his part. It also seems like you do like this guy.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-11-2018 11:29PM

Can I just ask how, or why you think you dating him would impact your work? In what way? And especially if he's leaving in a few weeks anyway.

People have office romances all the time. The only way it could potentially get awkward with colleagues is if you date your boss and start getting preferential treatment. Or if you break up really badly and things get awkward.

I agree that it sounds like you do actually like this fella. If you didn't then you wouldn't be making such san issue of what he said/what you should say/what he replies.

Your response now should be grand! You misunderstood his intention, now that he has said there's nothing more to it, you can continue your friendship. You don't have to say anymore about it.

leggo · 30-11-2018 12:33AM

OP be honest with me: am I right in saying that you actually like this lad and that this whole charade is a roundabout way of seeing if he likes you too and meant it a certain way, to put it on the table but not have to say you like him?

If so, that's fine. There's probably a better way of handling it but it's your life. But come to us with the actual issue, not the pretence, and we can help you achieve what you actually want.

How can I let this guy at work down gently?

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