How can I let this guy at work down gently?

Sugarloaf12345

I have been texting a guy at work for the past two months. I think he is a nice person and I like talking to him. He asked me about a month ago was I single and I said no at the time because I didnt want to complicate work or go down that road. We remained in touch occasionally having completely friendly conversations and have arranged to meet for a cigarette break soon at work. All platonic on my part. This evening he said "lets make a plan to go for dinner or coffee" but I am a little uneasy about meeting outside work as I dont want it to complicate things in work esp if people found out. If they did it would definitely affect my work performance more than him and I am not long in the job either. How can I let him down gently but remain friendly with him?

Passenger

Be honest and tell him exactly what you've posted here imho.

Bobtheman

You should just say you are in a relationship. End of.

Sugarloaf12345

But if im in a relationship then hes going to be wondering why am I texting him etc. My hunch is just to be honest about work but felt I needed to seek advice also as I will have to see him everyday at work and consult with him regularly

leggo

"I remember you asked me if I was single a while back and maybe I've taken you up the wrong way but I wouldn't like to get involved in anything with someone from work. I do enjoy chatting to you in work and would like to be friends though."

Wheety

If you don't want anything to happen between you two, then stop texting him so much. Without meaning to, you're leading him on. Not your fault, but he'll be encouraged by your niceness.

bilbot79

Could you just stop leading him on? Would that solve the issue?

Sugarloaf12345

Thats it I dont want to lead him on hence why I said before that I wasnt single, he is genuinely a nice guy and I do enjoy talking to him but Im just not prepared to go there romantically and dont want to cause any bad air either as my biggest fear is people at work finding out about this

bilbot79

You said earlier 'if I tell him I'm in a relationship he'll wonder why I'm texting him so much'

Therefore the level of texting is so high as to suggest there is more going on. I imagine you text because you like him but not enough to take the risk of a relationship at work. This is leading him on, but not intentionally, sort of.

You don't need to let him down, just stop flirting and he'll get the message pretty quickly

Wheety

I've been that guy. He thinks there's something there. He's asked you to dinner despite you saying you're not single! Nip it in the bud fairly sharpish. I don't care if you are new. You won't be upsetting anyone but him. Others probably know what he's like anyway.

Stop texting him. If he asks you out again just say no. Say you only see him as a friend. Do not go to dinner if he says that's all it would be, 2 friends going to dinner. It's never nice to let someone down like that but there's no easy way out

Big Bag of Chips

You're being selfish by deciding you don't want to stop texting him because you enjoy talking to him. You know he likes you, you know you have to 'let him down gently' which means you know he is interested in something more than friendship with you. You can't be friends with him. Simply because he doesn't want to be friends with you. He wants more.

So you are leading him on. You are giving him hope that you will go out with him. And he already thinks your 'relationship' mustn't be that great because you text him so often. If you were in a happy commited relationship then you definitely would not have this level of contact with another man who you know is interested in you.

Don't reply to all his texts. Don't reply immediately. Let the friendship drift back to colleague level. Like it or not you are leading him on. And THAT'S more likely to get you in trouble in work than pulling back a bit and maintaining a bit of distance is.

Sugarloaf12345

So what will I say to him?

harr

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

So what will I say to him?

Be truthful be apologetic about the texts and apologies if he felt you were leading him on.
Explain about work and that you feel it’s better to keep things professional.
I have a feeling that if you weren’t working together you might have given the date a go as it sounds like you are fond of him and him you.
If you both are happy after that and want to keep exchanging texts fine but you will have to be clear to him that’s as far as things can go.
Don’t let it fester any longer the sooner the better to clear this up.

December2012

You could
A) ignore the invite
stop responding to the texts
C) stop texting so much
D) say 'no thanks'. No is a complete sentence
E) say 'No thanks that sounds too much like a date and you know how I feel.about that'.

Any of the above.

You can't have it every way. You have to consider what is an acceptable level of communication with a work colleague, one who might fancy you.

Sugarloaf12345

harr wrote: »

Be truthful be apologetic about the texts and apologies if he felt you were leading him on.
Explain about work and that you feel it’s better to keep things professional.
I have a feeling that if you weren’t working together you might have given the date a go as it sounds like you are fond of him and him you.
If you both are happy after that and want to keep exchanging texts fine but you will have to be clear to him that’s as far as things can go.
Don’t let it fester any longer the sooner the better to clear this up.

harr wrote: »

Be truthful be apologetic about the texts and apologies if he felt you were leading him on.
Explain about work and that you feel it’s better to keep things professional.
I have a feeling that if you weren’t working together you might have given the date a go as it sounds like you are fond of him and him you.
If you both are happy after that and want to keep exchanging texts fine but you will have to be clear to him that’s as far as things can go.
Don’t let it fester any longer the sooner the better to clear this up.

Your right I do like him he is very nice makes me feel ‘looked after’ and secure and I love talking to him but due to the nature of our jobs I’m not ready to start seeing him romantically outside work hence why I like to be friends with him and see him during work but I know it’s not fair on him. Honesty is best policy so I will be honest and let things take its course

Big Bag of Chips

You can deflect/ignore. You can stop replying and then if he asks in work about why you didn't respond tell him you were busy. Didn't see your phone etc.

If you're not comfortable being direct with a "Thanks but no thanks" then it is perfectly acceptable to just avoid contact with him, and keep things polite but not pally in work. He'll soon get the message and if he doesn't then you'll have to go the direct route.

Xterminator

Op

you could be clear with him, and tell him you see this as a platonic friendship and continue the friendship. That sounds like a simple and easy thing to do. Go out together for coffee after work. Be clear and blunt that you would like him as a friend but that it will never be more. see how he reacts, there is a chance he drops the friendship, but that's a risk you might have to take.

Sugarloaf12345

Does this message sound ok:

“Thank you for the invitation I appreciate your offer but I don’t think it’s a good idea as I think it would impact too much on work, but I would like us to stay friends”

harr

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Does this message sound ok:

“Thank you for the invitation I appreciate your offer but I don’t think it’s a good idea as I think it would impact too much on work, but I would like us to stay friends”

As in a text message?
Honestly you would be better off saying it face to face all this texting is what teenagers do.
Go for a coffee or cigarette and explain the situation

Sugarloaf12345

He text me and asked me last night so I need to reply something

December2012

You don't have to respond today. You don't have to respond quickly at all.

If you didn't work with him, would you date him?

miamee

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

He text me and asked me last night so I need to reply something

If you haven't replied by now he already knows the answer is no, tbh. Maybe say you'd love to but would rather keep things professional for the moment as you feel you still have to prove yourself at work.

Sugarloaf12345

December2012 wrote: »

You don't have to respond today. You don't have to respond quickly at all.

If you didn't work with him, would you date him?

Yes. He is leaving in a month also and moving to another town so realistically it wouldn’t work

Sugarloaf12345

Ok so I sent the message that I want to keep personal and work life separate as it would impact on work too much but want to remain friends. Yes it should be done face to face but English isn’t his first language so it’s easier this way.
I feel bad about it and confused. I really enjoy talking to this guy and I love seeing him and work and I suppose I want to get to know him more (hence the smoke breaks) before I jumped into anything. I’m being cautious, I’m 29 and don’t want to make a mistake that will make work uncomfortable yet equally I don’t want to cut myself short of someone I am fond of

LegacyUser

Hang on, he’s leaving work in a month?! Then go for it! You obviously really like him. Even the most uptight workplace won’t frown on you dating someone who USED to work there!

Faith

You’ve had several threads here about interpersonal issues. Is this a regular issue for you, that you don’t know how to communicate clearly and assertively with others? I’m wondering if assertiveness training might be beneficial for you.

Sugarloaf12345

Faith wrote: »

You’ve had several threads here about interpersonal issues. Is this a regular issue for you, that you don’t know how to communicate clearly and assertively with others? I’m wondering if assertiveness training might be beneficial for you.

Potentially. No I am not assertive as I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing and affecting other people and their perception of me. For eg. After work I reflect on things I say to people and question whether it was the right thing or not and try interpret how they may see me now after I said it.

Sugarloaf12345

He replied to my message and said he didnt mean it that way he was just being friendly and saying we can go out some day and that yes we are friends. now im confused and feel like an awful t**

ligerdub

Sugarloaf12345 wrote:

He replied to my message and said he didnt mean it that way he was just being friendly and saying we can go out some day and that yes we are friends. now im confused and feel like an awful t**

Sounds like a face saving comment on his part. It also seems like you do like this guy.

Big Bag of Chips

Can I just ask how, or why you think you dating him would impact your work? In what way? And especially if he's leaving in a few weeks anyway.

People have office romances all the time. The only way it could potentially get awkward with colleagues is if you date your boss and start getting preferential treatment. Or if you break up really badly and things get awkward.

I agree that it sounds like you do actually like this fella. If you didn't then you wouldn't be making such san issue of what he said/what you should say/what he replies.

Your response now should be grand! You misunderstood his intention, now that he has said there's nothing more to it, you can continue your friendship. You don't have to say anymore about it.

leggo

OP be honest with me: am I right in saying that you actually like this lad and that this whole charade is a roundabout way of seeing if he likes you too and meant it a certain way, to put it on the table but not have to say you like him?

If so, that's fine. There's probably a better way of handling it but it's your life. But come to us with the actual issue, not the pretence, and we can help you achieve what you actually want.

Sugarloaf12345

Yes I do like him.. there’s something about him I find attractive. He is a good person and seems to look out for me based on questions he asks me. There’s just something pulling me towards him. Every time I see him I want to hug him. But he’s a different race and religion that’s the problem. Yes I am coming across shallow but in my place of work that’s the type of thing that would be talked about and make me feel uncomfortable

never_mind

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Yes I do like him.. there’s something about him I find attractive. He is a good person and seems to look out for me based on questions he asks me. There’s just something pulling me towards him. Every time I see him I want to hug him. But he’s a different race and religion that’s the problem. Yes I am coming across shallow but in my place of work that’s the type of thing that would be talked about and make me feel uncomfortable

Very unusual reason to not get with someone.. if you’ve made your decision and you’re not interesting in taking things further maybe don’t text him and phase him out of your life. You’re hurting an innocent person here- don’t be that person.

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know it would be talked about in work? Have you witnessed people commenting on his race or religion? I think people aren't half as interested in our lives as we sometimes like to believe they are. If you like this fella, go for it. If you don't just stop replying to him and leading him on and giving him feeble excuses as to why you can't go for lunch with him. Just let the communication drift off. He'll be leaving soon.

leggo

Well you were honest OP, fair play.

I definitely wouldn't tell him those excuses, like ever, or he'll likely be making this decision for you. Also I kinda got it more when you were saying "oh it's because I'm new in the job", or how he was moving, to the real reason. But it is what it is.

I guess what it comes down is how beholden to other people's opinions do you want to be? Imagine if you two were destined to fall madly in love and one day get married and you never got to have any of that because you cared about what some randoms you work with, whose names you likely won't even remember in 10-15 years, thought. Seems kinda mental, no?

Sugarloaf12345

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How do you know it would be talked about in work? Have you witnessed people commenting on his race or religion? I think people aren't half as interested in our lives as we sometimes like to believe they are. If you like this fella, go for it. If you don't just stop replying to him and leading him on and giving him feeble excuses as to why you can't go for lunch with him. Just let the communication drift off. He'll be leaving soon.

Yes he is on a team of two other Muslims and two girls I work with commented on their work performance before and lack of empathy.
He knows the score now I told him we were just friends and he agreed to being friends. He also still continues the conversation so I assume he’s happy with that.