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Can a little space help works things out?

  • 25-11-2018 06:33PM
    #1
    IHeartShoes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 111 ✭✭


    I wanted peoples’ thoughts on a situation I am in, if possible. I dated a chap for a couple of months. We are both experienced in relationships. Started off very well. Compatible on almost every level. But it came to a halt due to availability (his) and distance. Our main difference is that he is quite risk averse and pragmatic. I’m more impulsive.
    He had the concerns so I concluded it. But we stayed in contact and pretty much resumed the relationship with no labels. We would talk every day for over an hour on the phone, text in between times and meet monthly maybe more frequently (him traveling to me). He has told me I am like an addiction. Never met anyone like me and never been so attracted to anyone before. Excitement at thoughts of talking to me, butterflies receiving texts and the physical is like nothing he has experienced before.

    Seven months later it has come to a head after a difference of opinion. He was very frank. His friends have noticed his distraction and that he doesn’t appear to be open to meeting anyone. It made him think about what we are doing. So speaking to me, he said even though we weren’t committed (we were exclusive) he didn’t feel free or interested in pursuing anything else. He was very content with what we had and therefore couldn’t move on. But. He didn’t think it was sustainable for aforementioned reasons. But. He could be making a huge mistake. So I suggested that he go no contact for 2 weeks. After that time either he would have broken his addiction to me and be able to move on or he would have realised that he didn’t want to move on and we would have to work out a way forward.

    I wonder if I should have suggested that? Surely, when you know, you know or is that naive?

    Can this space resolve the situation for him in his head?

    Any views welcome.

    S


Comments

  • #2
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    I think the friends thing is a bit of a yarn. He wants to see you just not exclusively.

    Long story short he's not that into you apart from great sex. If he was mad about you none of this would be a question. I don't think two weeks will make any difference.


  • #3
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Relationships are easy if both parties want them to work, they’re difficult if one or both don’t. Sorry OP but his ‘issues’ are a bunch of waffle, they’re airy-fairy reasons that wouldn’t be an issue if he was that into you. As said above, he’s probably into the sex so wants to keep that while manipulating you into an agreement that basically commits him to nothing else and leaves you hamstrung if you want to complain about it. If you texted him now and offered him no strings sex on demand, he’d probably be delighted and all those ‘issues’ would wash away.

    The complication here is that you seem to want more and he doesn’t, hence the faffing. Don’t believe that if you give him what he wants, he’ll eventually cave, you’ll just end up getting your head more wrecked. Make your peace with the fact he’s not that into you and find someone who is, your life will be better off.


  • #4
    IHeartShoes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes


    Thanks for the advice.

    Essentially, we’ve had a benefit style situation the last few months. But it has been exclusive. For him. He’s the traditional type and you’ll have to take my word for that.

    It has suited me in lieu of anything more interesting. You are right. I am keen to stress test the relationship we have, due to compatibility and connection, which is why I’ve given him the two weeks. But I’m less convinced with the physical side of things. So in two weeks, if he decides to finish it altogether, I’ll be just fine.

    If it is as you guess, which it very probably is and he’s just not THAT into me, would you draw a line under it now? Revoke the space I’ve given him?


  • #5
    QueenRizla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 222 ✭✭QueenRizla


    OP your posts are all about him. What do you actually want? You need to focus on what’s best for you and if you don’t have strong feelings why bother. You don’t seem that physically attracted to him and maybe don’t find him that exciting? If you aren’t getting a lot out of this, if the sex isn’t amazing, I wouldn’t bother with him, especially as it’s just FWB now and he seems a bit intense.


  • #6
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    The thing is though, it hasn't been a benefits type thing for you. You wanted and want more. Which you are fully entitled to want in a guy. But he doesn't.

    And of course nothing more interesting came along, you are fixated with him.

    Look this is a huge amount of drama for what amounts to being quite one sided apart from the sex.

    You are accepting crumbs from this guy. What would I do? Not bother contacting him. I suspect you think revoking the 2 weeks will make him come to his senses. It really won't. And I'd be having a hard think about why I'm willing to accept so little for myself in an intimate relationship. Everybody deserves to love and be loved. He's never going to provide that.


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  • #7
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    Some men and women have mastered the art of sticking with people who have feelings for them cos its beneficial while they do the barest minimum.
    My advise to you is to never make an effort for someone who would make you feel like you are crazy when you ask to be loved or attended to in return.
    If it can't be reciprocated, then you shouldn't be giving to them as well.
    If he comes back, let him take a lead and decide what type of relationship he wants.
    And if it's not what you want, then bid him farewell and move on.

    Note:
    I personally think he is just saying...if his friends think he is crazy over you, why is that an issue?
    Shouldn't that even tell him that he has found what makes him happy and he should grab it?
    Who finds what they want and then reject it when they realise that it is what makes them happy?
    Please don't fall for this ego boost. If he thinks he wants to see other people, then maybe you guys should stop keeping in touch.
    I am glad you suggested that and when the 2 weeks is over, please don't contact him. if he contacts you, hear what he has to say.
    but if he doesn't want you, then let him know you won't be putting up with him as a friend for benefit. simple.


  • #8
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    You're both making it way too complicated with all these rules and so on. If you both liked each other that much, you'd just be together, there's actually nothing stopping you that other happy couples don't work through all the time. If you didn't care that much and it was just a casual setup, you wouldn't be posting on PI about it.

    Just admit to yourself you'd like more than he's able to give you. For your own peace of mind to not be left wondering "What if", I'd text saying "Hey so the few days space has left me feeling (your honest feelings), so if this is what you want let's do it right. If not then this is it for me and I'll be moving on past this." And go with it. That's it really. Like I said, these things are easy when they work.


  • #9
    IHeartShoes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes


    zapper55 wrote: »
    The thing is though, it hasn't been a benefits type thing for you. You wanted and want more. Which you are fully entitled to want in a guy. But he doesn't.

    And of course nothing more interesting came along, you are fixated with him.

    Look this is a huge amount of drama for what amounts to being quite one sided apart from the sex.

    You are accepting crumbs from this guy. What would I do? Not bother contacting him. I suspect you think revoking the 2 weeks will make him come to his senses. It really won't. And I'd be having a hard think about why I'm willing to accept so little for myself in an intimate relationship. Everybody deserves to love and be loved. He's never going to provide that.

    I suppose I can see what you would say that. But I’m really not accepting crumbs. He has done the chasing, traveling, contacting. I have not been exclusive. I have continued dating.

    Definitely don’t think revoking will bring him to his senses. That is not the aim. It’s probably to take back some control.

    It’s not to say I’m not invested to some extent. Of course I am. As another poster said, I wouldn’t have posted if I wasn’t.

    I wanted views on the situation which I’m getting and am grateful for.


  • #10
    IHeartShoes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes


    leggo wrote: »
    You're both making it way too complicated with all these rules and so on. If you both liked each other that much, you'd just be together, there's actually nothing stopping you that other happy couples don't work through all the time. If you didn't care that much and it was just a casual setup, you wouldn't be posting on PI about it.

    Just admit to yourself you'd like more than he's able to give you. For your own peace of mind to not be left wondering "What if", I'd text saying "Hey so the few days space has left me feeling (your honest feelings), so if this is what you want let's do it right. If not then this is it for me and I'll be moving on past this." And go with it. That's it really. Like I said, these things are easy when they work.

    I didn’t mean to give the impression that it is casual. It isn’t. But being honest, it’s all it’s amounted to. I posted because I’m not happy with the state of play but I didn’t want to be rash. I didnt want the ‘what if’ you mention. I think I needed a short, sharp, shock and that is what I’ve received here.

    I appreciate your response and was composing a text similar to that which you have suggested, after reading the first responses to my post. I’m torn between sending it or just leaving him to it. Not because I want a reaction or I’m afraid to sever it. Just because I’m cross with myself that I’m in this situation. I’ll work it out.

    Thanks again.

    S


  • #11
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    It's good to take control and do things on your own terms. I'd be inclined to send the text if I were you, even if it doesn't work out how you hope, when you look back on it in the future you'll be happier you dealt with it on your terms. We all end up in situations, from time-to-time, that haven't panned out as hoped, but when you finish them strongly and do right by yourself it gives you strength going forward in future situations. Plus sometimes taking the bull by its horns can give the other person a shock themselves into copping on.


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