How do I get out of this?

lalababa wrote: »

Wouldn't you have a case for the small claims court?

I doubt it. We had an agreement that he then decided that that wasn’t what he wanted to do. The agreement was to put the same amount of money I was paying back to a savings account and then when it built up, to pay me back. I thought that was a reasonable agreement. That way I was paying it back and he was putting the money away and would receive it at the end. Maybe in a few months. I was told that he had scrapped that idea. I didn’t know so I was with the idea of he was paying me back. There’s been no written proof. My ex had this way of convincing me that he means well. He proposed to me with the intentions of marrying me. My ex knew how much I loved him and he took advantage of that. I’m just thinking now, I remember one time he said something about me getting paid and when I do, to hand him the wages and whatever I needed, to ask for it. I outright said no. All because I was “spending too much” and he thought he was helping. I’m sure he lied about how much to give towards the rent as well. He was buying himself all sorts of things and I ended up buying the necessary things for us.

seamusk84 wrote: »

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this situation for you.

I would suggest posting an official letter to him. Make it sound official with wording like -

“Failure to repay the funds will lead me to pursue a legal route. Please initiate a bank transfer for the entire amount outstanding by the 31st of December 2018. By doing this I will forgo pursuit of any outstanding interest.
Otherwise I will have no option but to engage legal council with a view to a personal judgement.”

Basically just to scare him into complying...Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

Thank you for that. I’ll go back to my solicitor and get them to write a formal letter.

Unanimous wrote: »

So sorry to hear what you have gone through.

If i were in your shoes i would have carried the money i saw he was keeping away with me when leaving his place.

I have learnt the had way when it comes to borrowing for loved ones and i really hope you get your money back.

I suggest you stand up to him to ask him for your money.

If he dares attack you, report him to the police.

I think you are just trying to avoid trouble but i strongly believe that he tries to be aggressive to frighten people into letting him have his way with them.

I would let him know he doesn't have the right nor power to do **** and if he is not careful, he will rot in jail cos i would be willing to speak up if he does anything stupid.

All the best.

All the money I found, I made him give it to his parents for the rent. His father told me that later on the evening I left, He handed him a wad of cash and said “he forgot to pay”. That itself was laughable. He has always been passive aggressive. Towards anything in life but I never taught he would abuse my kindness like that. I’ve had objects thrown at me, I’ve been told I wasn’t allowed to leave a room at one occasion and I’ve been mentally and verbally abused. He was an manipulator. You would of thought I would walk away at the earliest sign but I f&@&king loved him. He knew that and still went out of his way to make me feel horrible about myself. I still made sure that he was okay. I still tried to look after him and in the end, he threw me out. I was starting to stand up for myself and he took that up as me starting fights. I would apologise for every single thing, even if it wasn’t my fault. You’re right, I’m terrified of him and what he will do. At the same time, I don’t want his shadow over me for the next 5 years. I’ve been thinking of going to the Guards and telling them the situation. Chances are they will laugh at me but I’m willing to go as far as I can legally to get his money and him out of my life

Kidchameleon wrote: »

If you go to the guards you would be wasting your time and their time. They will do nothing. It is your debt, you must pay it. You made a bad investment, simple.

I wouldn’t necessarily say bad investment. I would like to think I was helping a partner who I thought needed help and threw it in my face. I know I didn’t make the best decision and I didn’t get lucky about it either. I know the guards won’t help too much but if they can advise me on how to approach the situation might help a small bit.

SteM wrote: »

I'm prtrey sure they'll tell you it's a civil matter and that's it.

That’s what I was thinking myself. Sometimes I wish I was in the mafia and this would be sorted haha. No but seriously all the advice and help has been great. It has saved me from running around in my head and making wrong choices.

wellwhynot wrote: »

You are not going to get that money back unfortunately as you cannot prove it was a loan. By all means write a letter if you wish but I don’t think it will have any effect.

Do not tell the mother of his child for revenge. Let it go and move on with your life.

I was hoping to not tell the mother. I didn’t have that intention as I genuinely felt that it was nothing to do with her. Family and friends think otherwise but they are fuming for me so any tactic towards him is supposed to make him see I’m not going to let him away with anything. Personally I don’t feel the need to drag anyone else into his games. I’ve come to accept, also reading all the replies, that fighting him for this money just isn’t going to work. I’m going to see if I can arrange with the bank if I can try and pay off the loan as quick as I can, ie pay more than I need too if I have too. I just want it off my back at this rate

dellas1979 wrote: »

That money is gone.

You need to get practical on how you look at this.

I loaned 1.5k to an ex (this is about 10 years ago).

We split up of course, and I never even bothered to ask him for the 1.5k back. He sounds exactly like your ex. I wasnt even bothered about money. I was glad Id gotton out. 1.5 or 3k is a small price to pay in my eyes vs a life time of unhappiness.

10 years later (a few months ago), bumped into him. He was full of "Im sorrys" and that usual tripe. I just nodded. Didnt really interact with him (really, I wanted to burst out laughing of what an awful human being is he/was). No mention of money though (surprise!). Made me laugh at how manipulative people can be.

You can thank God or whomever, that the debt is only for 3k. I know you are saying that is huge amount for you. You are going to have to find a way to do this yourself. The bank loaned it to you, you most have some pay back power.

3k over 5 years works out at e50/60 per month.

Fortunately I have friends and family who have been by my side since the situation has happened so I haven’t had a good minute to sit down and fully take in everything so right now, I’m determined to get my money back. In saying that, reading all the replies I’ve received from this post and the positivity I’ve read, I’ve realised that although it’s my own doing, it’s a lesson learned and that although kindness and weakness isn’t that horrible of a personality to have, I’ve to learn how to say no and understand that when something isn’t right, to leave. I should of left his house a long time ago but I was blindsided by love and fully believed he was going to be someone who I was going to settle with.

Sheedy234 wrote: »

My advice be glad he is gone and take the loss of the money, as prev poster said it's a small price to pay to get your life back. If you go telling the ex he could get very nasty and make ur life he'll and you will regret it. Move on with ur life and be happy you are rid of him. Best of luck

That’s exactly what I think as well. He was capable of making me feel miserable (then good for a split second and take it away from me) then he will be capable of making me feel even worse if I retaliate. Thank you

dellas1979 wrote: »

Of course you want your money back - having had it happen to myself (as per my post above, the best way I dealt with it (and in hind sight too, I still believe I did the right thing), was just to leave him/it/situation alone.

I could have done a town cryer thing in my case too. Everything would have been twisted. I chose not to.

It would have prolonged everything. That might seem like giving up to some - but in my eyes, it was putting myself first and moving on. I know now, this guy had traits of a sociopath. Off he feckin goes! (they dont learn BTW nor will there ever be genuine empathy for the situation he put you in).

He got/is living every day his come uppance. And awful life and lies this man has created for himself.

When my head/heart caught up, I was just delighted he was gone - and it was absolutely excellent fuel to use to get over him properly :-)

Your fam and friends of course are looking out for you-and they are expressing what "they might do in your situation"/being supportive. Youre the one in the actual situation, so all you can do is your best, and not be hard on yourself for trusting and believing him.

The sad fact is, my ex will genuinely not think for one minute that any of this was his fault. He will tell himself that he has done nothing wrong. All the years I’ve showed him support and helped him, in his head, he will have himself convinced that I walked out for no reason considering he told me to leave. It’s sickening to think someone can be that manipulative towards another person and not have an ounce of respect after it all. I wish I had known sooner that this was who he really was and I would of stopped everything a lot earlier.

I am amazed at how people can continue living life knowing that they made someone feel so horrible about themselves and made someone feel so unworthy and drove them to take an overdose. I became so sick from his abuse that I couldn’t see a way out. I was afraid to tell people what was going on. I was afraid to admit that he was a horrible, horrible person. I took an overdose with a mixture of low self esteem or lack of self esteem I should put, self hatred and unworthiness. I was believed into thinking that my anxiety that I had suffered with over the years, was the cause of why he treated me badly. My ex was brilliant with his words and knew exactly what to say to make me believe that things were my fault. I never told anyone what had happened until I rang my parents I told them I was coming home. I told them everything and from that, friends and family want me to do everything and anything they can to make him suffer, like I did.

Since I was a kid I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression, I’ve been able to manage them with the help of professionals over the years. My ex knew everything I was going through and made me think that he was my “happiness” and dropped me so quickly. I took an overdose because I physically and mentally had enough and I could not see a way out. A way out of anything. I was already having problems in work as it was and he knew all of this. Thankfully my work situation is cleared. Thankfully I’m getting the continued help and support from friends, family and professionals and the continued positivity from the people on boards has been a huge help.

leggo wrote: »

OP I hope you're getting some relief and closure from sharing on this thread at least, even if you don't get the money back.

If it helps, from reading your updates, the savings account plan he had was always a short-term one. Either you were going to call him on his **** or he'd hope you'd be a pushover and just forget. I'm guessing the reason he finished with you is that he saw the walls closing in on having to deal with this money. Dumping you could even be an abusive tactic to do something so shocking and heartbreaking you'll take him back no questions asked, I definitely wouldn't be surprised if you heard from him again. He seems narcissistic and those high on the narcissist scale tend to lack empathy and are unable to love people properly. People are a resource to them, a means to an end, and they feel entitled to use them to suit that end regardless of consequences. Serials users also tend to cycle through the people they use whenever they need something (you've probably had friends like this before who only get in touch when they need something). Know this and know that these people can't and don't change. They can be manipulative and adapt what they say or how they approach a situation to seem convincing, but soon enough you'll be back in the same situation. So remember this feeling and don't let go of it if he starts calling again.

In fact, your best bet if he does come calling is looking for the money up front and then saying you can talk once he gives it to you in full. Obviously don't talk when he does, just use the leverage as an excuse to try get it back. Name the terms yourself (e.g. have him put it in an envelope in your letterbox and you MIGHT see him) rather than getting caught up in games (you'll see through them anyway if you've prepared yourself). It's one way to potentially go if it comes about.

Since starting this thread, I will admit my mindset has changed completely. I went from leaning towards family and friends advice to reading the comments and realising that causing unnecessary added amounts of problems will just make the situation worst and knowing my ex, he would go out of his way to make my life a living hell if I did start to retaliate. He would claim I’m a psycho ex or make up stories considering he’s brilliant at that.

I will admit, I was a pushover. Especially on more than one occasions. I didn’t notice either until a friend pointed out that I would abruptly end a coffee chat with her and another friend because of something simple as, he needed something in the shop and he needed it at that exact moment. I was definitely a pushover. I made it very easy for him to control me and I was too blindsided to see it. I’ve apologised endlessly to my friends and family about my departure on occasions and lying to get out of occasions and they were trying to be as supportive as they could be while I was with him. They even faked smiles when they seen how happy I was when he proposed. I knew they were weary and worried but they held themselves brilliantly and when sh”t hit the fan, they were by my side.

In terms of him contacting me, he won’t and he wouldn’t. It would be beneath him to do that. To my ex, that would mean admitting he was at fault and owes me money. I’ve come to accept that I won’t receive 50cents, never mind 3,000. I’ve thought out in my head that if I was to amazingly receive the money, he would be horrible enough to throw it in my face. Not in the envelope either. I’ve spoken to his parents and I’ve told them that he is to hand the money to them and they are to contact me on the off chance that he does have it. My hopes aren’t set on high for that one but that’s the plan I’ve got. My parents however, they are determined to receive the money themselves, I’ve rold them under no circumstances are they to approach him or go to his house. For the fear of his reaction more so than anything else. My ex would turn violent, I’ve seen him punch a wall because I told him to calm down after a fight with his parents. The are no words to describe him for now. He left me heartbroken from it all. I’m disappointed, I’m hurt and I’m angry.

Floppybits wrote: »

I don't think you will see the 3k again. You said you were engaged to him, did he buy an engagement ring? Could you sell the engagement ring and at least get some money back that way?

We were engaged. When I left the house I left the ring behind. I felt no sentiment towards it. When he bought the ring, I picked one that was on sale because I felt guilty over the prices. I found the recipt and rang the number of the jewellers and they said because it was s sale item, I couldn’t return it. I stupidly left the ring in his house which I know he’s probably after pawning it

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Honestly you have dodged a bullet. organise a little treat for yourself. Block all contact from this guy and never contact him again. Try and set up your loan payments as direct debit from your account so hopefully you won’t notice them as they are taken out. Onwards and upwards from here!

Direct debit has been sorted. I spoke to the bank they’ve said they are going to take out the amount needed each week instead of me doing to myself. All I can say is that the exhaustion of it all is hitting me but I’m looking ahead instead of backwards. I’m getting the help I need to help build myself back up again