Have I messed things up?

Ursus Horribilis · 22-09-2018 06:39PM

If a simple phone call is enough to scare him off, then what ye had must have been on very fragile ground indeed.

Banaba · 22-09-2018 06:44PM

I didn’t really think of it been honest. I knew he was at work late so I just sent the message because as I said it’s our usual method of communication

woodchuck · 22-09-2018 08:13PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If a simple phone call is enough to scare him off, then what ye had must have been on very fragile ground indeed.

That's a bit harsh. Texting/whatsapp is the main method of communication these days. So to deviate from that unexpectedly in the early days of dating can really throw people off. The only comparison I can think of is back when phonecalls were the primary method of communication, it would be like showing up on someone's doorstep unannounced!

I do agree though that sometimes texting isn't the best. However I'd never just ring someone out of the blue. I'd text first to ask if they're free for a quick call.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe he got scared away, but it could've happened at any time for any reason.

Banaba · 22-09-2018 08:25PM

woodchuck wrote: »

That's a bit harsh. Texting/whatsapp is the main method of communication these days. So to deviate from that unexpectedly in the early days of dating can really throw people off. The only comparison I can think of is back when phonecalls were the primary method of communication, it would be like showing up on someone's doorstep unannounced!

I do agree though that sometimes texting isn't the best. However I'd never just ring someone out of the blue. I'd text first to ask if they're free for a quick call.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe he got scared away, but it could've happened at any time for any reason.

Thanks for understanding my method of communication woodchuck. I feel my behaviour was not the best and understand his side if he wanted to leave. However am I right in feeling disappointed with the fact he didn’t respond at all to my apology given the reason why I was like that? I feel it was a bit harsh to just ignore my apology for been off over mams anniversary. I feel he could have acknowledged it at least instead of ghosting

woodchuck · 22-09-2018 09:53PM

Yes, I can understand why it would hurt that he didn't reply. It's possible he had no idea what to say though - I know I'm terrible in those types of situations!

If he has in fact ghosted you though, it's a lucky escape. It's an extremely cowardly act.

Banaba · 22-09-2018 10:28PM

I am very hurt to be honest. I appreciate it’s awkward but I also feel if he really wanted to he could just acknowledge it and either restart a conversation ie how was work/college etc.
I feel it’s safe to say he has ghosted. It’s been three days and he didn’t reply to even say ok. Even if he was busy with something 30 seconds out of his day wouldn’t have hurt to just say something instead of leaving me hanging especially when he knows it’s been a tough enough week already

qwerty13 · 23-09-2018 04:25AM

He knew after the fact that it was a tough week. But you effectively ghosted him. You didn’t communicate, you just shut down. I know there was a reason for that, but tbh I can understand if he thinks ‘well this is the way she deals with things’. I think the shut down of communication is what scuppered you OP

osarusan · 23-09-2018 09:55AM

If you would like to see him again, send him a message asking to meet.

It will give you a clearer picture than you currently have, with the question of whether he is ignoring you or giving you space or just doesn't know what to say.

Banaba · 23-09-2018 10:16AM

I have been crying over this all last night. I had one hour before bed of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and have messed things up. I feel so bad because I liked this person and while I was wrong to Act cold at the time I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and evidently ghosting me

mordeith · 23-09-2018 10:26AM

Banaba wrote: »

I have been crying over this all last night. I had one hour before bed of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and have messed things up. I feel so bad because I liked this person and while I was wrong to Act cold at the time I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and evidently ghosting me

Seriously will you just send him another text. You'll never know for sure otherwise. You're convinced he's purposely ignored you but you haven't actually confirmed that. Just send him a text.

Faith · 23-09-2018 11:33AM

Banaba wrote: »

I have been crying over this all last night. I had one hour before bed of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and have messed things up. I feel so bad because I liked this person and while I was wrong to Act cold at the time I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and evidently ghosting me

I think it needs to be pointed out that you started this thread looking for advice, but you’ve ignored all of the advice given.

Why haven’t you texted him yet?

Are you happier to wallow in misery than take action?

Obviously, not doing anything is making you feel bad. So what can you do to make yourself feel better?

Banaba · 23-09-2018 11:55AM

I have taken on board the advice given But I am contemplating whether I should text him or not.

Reason being if I were in his shoes I would feel bad about leaving someone hanging after they told me they were feeling down over a parents anniversary. It would be bitchy and harsh of me not to reply at least and say ok or whatever. I certainly wouldn’t leave it 3/4 days especially if I had interest in the person. That’s just me.

I do feel he should be the one to text back. I made a mistake yes but an acknowledgement would be courteous. If he cared or wanted to pursue things he would have checked in by now. Me texting again may only hurt me more if I get rejected a second time

osarusan · 23-09-2018 12:07PM

Banaba wrote: »

I do feel he should be the one to text back. I made a mistake yes but an acknowledgement would be courteous. If he cared or wanted to pursue things he would have checked in by now. Me texting again may only hurt me more if I get rejected a second time

Maybe if you cared or wanted to pursue things, you would have texted by now.

Maybe he 'should' be the one to text, but how far do you want to progress that line of thinking? You said you like the guy..so act on it.

Worst case scenario is that he never replies and it just confirms what you have already convinced yourself of anyway.

Kitty6277 · 23-09-2018 12:16PM

mordeith wrote: »

Seriously will you just send him another text. You'll never know for sure otherwise. You're convinced he's purposely ignored you but you haven't actually confirmed that. Just send him a text.

+1

Just text him. Men don't usually think the way women do, "why isn't she texting me, what did I do, oh god she hates me now for no apparent reason." Just send him a text, things are probably fine and you've just worked yourself into a state over it. Yeah, it's a little insensitive to not text back when you explained your behaviour that night, but he's probably just giving you space, which is basically what you said (without actually saying so) you wanted by being quiet and withdrawn. He's probably just waiting for you to feel like you're in a better place and feel up to talking again.

Banaba · 23-09-2018 12:28PM

Kitty6277 wrote: »

+1

Just text him. Men don't usually think the way women do, "why isn't she texting me, what did I do, oh god she hates me now for no apparent reason." Just send him a text, things are probably fine and you've just worked yourself into a state over it. Yeah, it's a little insensitive to not text back when you explained your behaviour that night, but he's probably just giving you space, which is basically what you said (without actually saying so) you wanted by being quiet and withdrawn. He's probably just waiting for you to feel like you're in a better place and feel up to talking again.

Ok I’ll send him a message later and see what happens. I’ll repost and say how it goes. Although I’m not holding much weight. I know I can’t read into this too much but I know he was meeting friends last night and going out. I have just seen he was tagged in a photo on Facebook with a girl wrapped around him which was obviously taken last night as he just became friends with her. And all his friends have liked it and put emojis etc so one would assume he was with her romantically not platonically.
it hurt me to see that. Yes he’s single etc but didn’t waste much time.

never_mind · 23-09-2018 12:50PM

Banaba wrote: »

Ok I’ll send him a message later and see what happens. I’ll repost and say how it goes. Although I’m not holding much weight. I know I can’t read into this too much but I know he was meeting friends last night and going out. I have just seen he was tagged in a photo on Facebook with a girl wrapped around him which was obviously taken last night as he just became friends with her. And all his friends have liked it and put emojis etc so one would assume he was with her romantically not platonically.
it hurt me to see that. Yes he’s single etc but didn’t waste much time.

Op, send a text before it’s too late. You’re he one ghosting him.

Banaba · 23-09-2018 12:51PM

never_mind wrote: »

Op, send a text before it’s too late. You’re he one ghosting him.

How am I ghosting him exactly when I’ve sent him a message and he’s the one not responding?

Porklife · 23-09-2018 01:05PM

never_mind wrote: »

Op, send a text before it’s too late. You’re he one ghosting him.

How is she ghosting him? She messaged him explaining why she was acting distant and he didn't reply. How is she ghosting him?! Is messaging him ghosting him somehow?

I know it hurts Op but I think he's gone and it's probably best to move on. Maybe throw him one last text as you've nothing to lose but in your head, walk away. Chin up op, if he is ignoring you then you're better off without him.

never_mind · 23-09-2018 03:19PM

Porklife wrote: »

How is she ghosting him? She messaged him explaining why she was acting distant and he didn't reply. How is she ghosting him?! Is messaging him ghosting him somehow?

I know it hurts Op but I think he's gone and it's probably best to move on. Maybe throw him one last text as you've nothing to lose but in your head, walk away. Chin up op, if he is ignoring you then you're better off without him.

She sent a message that might not need a response... she needs to normalise the convo and ask him out for a pint! Op, text him!

23-09-2018 03:24PM

People need to get a grip. A single unanswered text and a relationship is over? Girls seem to suffer from the is far more than guys. Reach out to him again.

23-09-2018 05:43PM

I recommend reading up about "mind-reading" and cbt. I think this stuff needs to be taught in school considering how often I see people falling into these traps. Anyone under the age of 40 has probably has probably had to navigate the same texting minefield that you are going through right now. Maybe this guy is ghosting, maybe he isn't. But either way you have created an outcome in your head with incomplete information.

It came up recently in blindboy's podcast. Skip to 38 minutes: https://www.acast.com/blindboy/introtocognitivepsychologypt2

More about it here: https://essex-behavioural-therapy.co.uk/article.asp?topic=mind-reading&id=59

LegacyUser · 23-09-2018 06:53PM

You said that you were behaving in a passive aggressive childish manner with him at the time. That type of behaviour is usually pre-existing. The fact that you were able to identify it and name it suggests this might be a strong possibility quite apart from the circumstances of the anniversary which I do sympathise with you, by the way. I think it would be naive to think that some people aren't able to pick up these type of issues and see it as a sign of possible future behaviour. I would think him not contacting you is most likely around your communication style rather than any lack of sympathy for your situation although only he would know that for sure.

Dating someone new is supposed to be fun and exciting. Five to six weeks is way too soon, in my opinion, to expect someone to be so invested in your welfare and have to deal with any heavy issues. If he's on Facebook photographed out having a good time, which he is entitled to do, it might indeed point towards him having cut his losses and moved on. It doesn't seem like he is in any way pining or making attempts to reconnect with you. I wouldn't double text at this stage. Just save your dignity now and try to cut out any form of passive aggressiveness in the future as it's a major turn-off.

05-10-2018 10:49AM

I know you're not obliged to update us but....

did you reach out to him?

Neyite · 05-10-2018 01:57PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I know you're not obliged to update us but....

did you reach out to him?

Mod:

No they aren't obliged. But posters ARE obliged to follow the charter rules - in this case, the one about not asking for updates from an op.

Floppybits · 05-10-2018 04:51PM

You don't need to apologise. I am going through what you are going through, I lost my father last year and I still have my good days and my bad days. The bad days I am quiet, withdrawn and depending on the memory I will cry and the thing is it could be anything that will set me off, One night it was a documentary about my dads favorite comedians and the memories started and then I started crying. Luckily for me I have my wife who understands but does get worried, for it is all part of the grieving process
As for you issue OP, if it is still an issue, anybody who cant understand why you may not be yourself because you are grieving is not worth it. The fact that he knew as well, should have made him more understanding. Send him the other text as the others have said and if he still doesn't respond then he isn't worth it.

Unanimous · 05-10-2018 05:17PM

I am sorry to say this but he wasn't right for you.

I was in his position and if I ever want to date anyone, it would be someone that would be empathetic in such a situation.

If this happened more than once then I would understand that it could be an issue of concern to him but I happened once.

Please you are not an idiot! He might be one of these guys that are emotionally unavailable and can't support you through down times.

PS: What if things went well intimacy wise that day and then you notice later that he still expects the best from you even when you are sick or emotionally down etc.

The loss of a family member is not something to that is easy and the fact that he claims to have lost one to, I expect him to be understanding and supportive and even connect with you on that level. It should have brought you guys closer.

He is not the right guy and except he comes back with a good explanation for not replying, never text him!

Green&Red · 09-10-2018 08:01PM

The advice on threads like this are why lads think some girls are mental. There’s a cohort on here whose go to is “dump him, he’s not into you” no matter what the issue

So you said this lad went through something similar, maybe he’s going through a bad time the last week too? Maybe there’s any number of things happening. And yes it’s possible that one of those is that he’s gone off you but you’ll never know without texting him. What’s the lose?
“Hey, would you like to go for a drink”
Not everyone is a great communicator!

Good luck

Have I messed things up?

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