Have I messed things up?

Banaba

I feel awful and I’m a massive idiot. I’ve been seeing a guy a like for about 5/6 weeks. We are both late 20s. I went round to his house the other night which started off great but ended terribly as I was in a quiet pensive mood. Reason being it was my mums first anniversary of death this week and I had just been to the hospice where she was to donate money and it triggered memories. He is aware of this and has experience similar loss at the same time. I became so quiet and withdrawn he asked me twice what was wrong and noticed I was very quiet and it was obvious I had something on my mind. I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I apologised before we went to sleep and he said we all have those days. I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied so now I’m worried I have messed things up and pushed him away. So I’m looking for advice and opinions.

I know I’m an idiot so please don’t make me feel worse. Is there any chance if he genuinely liked me and the way things were going, that he wouldn’t just dismiss the past few weeks and walk away over that he’d give me another chance?

GingerLily

You don't need to apologise again, any normal compassionate person would understand that you were withdrawn on parents anniversary.

He could be giving you space thinking that's what you want, we all grieve differently.

Maybe try talking to him about something else, make plans to meet or whatever, he might we waiting for a signal that you're feeling better.

Banaba

GingerLily wrote: »

You don't need to apologise again, any normal compassionate person would understand that you were withdrawn on parents anniversary.

He could be giving you space thinking that's what you want, we all grieve differently.

Maybe try talking to him about something else, make plans to meet or whatever, he might we waiting for a signal that you're feeling better.

He didn’t reply to the apology message so I don’t want to text again. I know I was wrong in my behaviour but I have apologied and all I can do now is hope he understands and doesn’t hold it against me

never_mind

Banaba wrote: »

He didn’t reply to the apology message so I don’t want to text again. I know I was wrong in my behaviour but I have apologied and all I can do now is hope he understands and doesn’t hold it against me

Banaba, get a grip, you were NOT being unreasonable or a fool! Stop being so mean to yourself. What you were going through that day is completely understandable and, to be honest, unavoidable. If he has 'seen' the message and hasn't replied then I would take it as a sign and to walk away.

As the above poster suggested, and I would have to agree, contact him again about something non-descript (e.g. meeting up) and take it from there. Stop being so hard on yourself - what you went through was horrendous - be kind to yourself.

Banaba

never_mind wrote: »

If he has 'seen' the message and hasn't replied then I would take it as a sign and to walk away

As in a sign for me to say f you your not worth it or a sign he’s not interested and bolted?

GingerLily

Banaba wrote: »

He didn’t reply to the apology message so I don’t want to text again. I know I was wrong in my behaviour but I have apologied and all I can do now is hope he understands and doesn’t hold it against me

He could just be an idiot who doesn't know what to say in situations like this, a lot of people are like that, he probably doesn't realise you're stewing on this and might think you need more time to yourself.

There is only one way to find out, send a light hearted text.

never_mind

Banaba wrote: »

As in a sign for me to say f you your not worth it or a sign he’s not interested and bolted?

A sign that he seems like a bit of a douche and to walk away... but I would send on another text first.

tupenny

Sorry for your loss.
You deserve better than this guy, some1 with a bit of empathy for a start
You've done nothing wrong and nothing to apologise for

Banaba

I feel like an idiot and feel so bad about the way I acted. We were grand the beginning of the night then I just completely zoned out and became so quiet and withdrawn. I’m embarrassed by the way I was now and the fact he didn’t reply to my apology speaks volumes about how he feels.
I just apologied and explained I went that way because the week was tougher than I had anticipated and the hospice trip didn’t help. I also acknowledged I should have told him and that it wasn’t fair to act so cold to him. I’m just embarrassed and so mad at myself now as I feel I have pushed him away.

Loveinapril

Banaba wrote: »

I’m just embarrassed and so mad at myself now as I feel I have pushed him away.

If he decided to walk at this point you have had a lucky escape. You have done nothing wrong. Imagine the tables were turned and he was distant as it was his loved one's anniversary.. would you feel pushed away or ignore his text? I hope he just hasn't had a chance to reply to you. You need to be kinder to yourself x

loalae

We all have bad days or days when we are quieter than usual. If he can't handle it or accept your apology or explanation then he isn't the one for you.

I think the advice to send him a message about something else and see what happens is a good idea. It could be that he feels awkward about the explanation and is waiting for your next step before he knows how to react.

Please don't feel bad about the feelings your had or the way you acted as it sounds like a completely reasonable reaction to a sad time. You are entitled to feel how you feel. You are allowed to have 'off' days. If he expects you not to then he is the one with the problem. But don't jump to conclusions and give him the benefit of the doubt right now. And be kind to yourself.

Ghekko

Why text, just ring him to see if ye are meeting up this weekend.

Sephiroth_dude

Banaba wrote: »

He didn’t reply to the apology message so I don’t want to text again. I know I was wrong in my behaviour but I have apologied and all I can do now is hope he understands and doesn’t hold it against me

How were you in the wrong?

Porklife

Today is my moms anniversary and I've been in bits since I woke up and she died 15 years ago. I can't believe you feel guilty!! The guy is most likely just giving you some space. Try not to worry. If however he's ignoring you or changed his mind over you being distant in the given circumstances then he can jog the **** on!!!!

Banaba

I feel I was wrong because this whole thing began because of me and my moodiness. I feel in the wrong as I was cold to him and pushed him away, I didn’t tell him what was wrong just became passive aggressive which is childish but at the time it reflected how I felt. It most likely made him feel uncomfortable and unsure about me, my emotional stability and I guess I suddenly became uninteresting and unattractive.

However while I acknowledge my wrong doing, I feel the reason I feel so bad is because I did not get a reply to my apology. Everyone knows apologies are difficult to say and I did tell him it was due to my mums anniversary and the hospice visit and this week has just been worse than expected. I understand if he lost interest due to my negative sad state that night as no one likes to be around someone who’s miserable, but I feel let down, a little disrespected and like I meant absolutely nothing. Granted at 6 weeks I don’t expect to be number one in his life yet just would have appreciate some acknowledgment.
Now it appears he has ghosted and while I was beginning to develop feelings for him it’s evident these are not recripocated

Banaba

Porklife wrote: »

Today is my moms anniversary and I've been in bits since I woke up and she died 15 years ago. I can't believe you feel guilty!! The guy is most likely just giving you some space. Try not to worry. If however he's ignoring you or changed his mind over you being distant in the given circumstances then he can jog the **** on!!!!

Sorry to hear pork life. I know it has only been year one for me but it’s just this week following the mass it suddenly feels like it’s more permanent and cemented. It’s devastating and I don’t think anyone truly understands the pain until you experience it. My thoughts are with you

yoke

You're thinking far too much into this. Too many possible reasons he didn't reply. Just send him a text asking if he wants to meet up at the weekend. If he doesn't reply to that then you have your answer.

GingerLily

Banaba wrote: »

Now it appears he has ghosted and while I was beginning to develop feelings for him it’s evident these are not recripocated

If he's actually ghosting you then you're well rid, he'd be a dispicable person if he was mad at you for what you say happened.

It sounds more like a misunderstanding to me, I think you're not thinking clearly because you're grieving, time will tell I suppose

The J Stands for Jay

Give the guy a chance. He mightn't know how to reply to someone apologising for being bereaved.

Telly

McGaggs wrote: »

Give the guy a chance. He mightn't know how to reply to someone apologising for being bereaved.

This

Drop him a text and see if he fancies doing something over the weekend

Banaba

GingerLily wrote: »

If he's actually ghosting you then you're well rid, he'd be a dispicable person if he was mad at you for what you say happened.

It sounds more like a misunderstanding to me, I think you're not thinking clearly because you're grieving, time will tell I suppose

I don’t know it’s been two days and he’s seen the message and has been online numerous times since so

Ghekko

I still say call him. You'll know by the tone of his voice where he stands as opposed to texting, where you cannot gauge a persons tone/mood. At least you'll know one way or another and won't have to spend any more days fretting over it. You've had a crap enough week as it is so take control of how to move forward - be it with or without him.

GingerLily

Banaba wrote: »

I don’t know it’s been two days and he’s seen the message and has been online numerous times since so

What does that have to do with anything?

Ring him or text him, ask him does he want to hang out this weekend, see what he says back

Dial Hard

I think you're completely overthinking this and tying yourself into knots over a guy you've only been seeing for a couple of weeks. I get that you're vulnerable right now but this really is a huge overreaction and it's possible he's picking up on this and taking a bit of space accordingly.

Personally I wouldn't text him again. The ball is in his court and he knows where you are if he wants to get in touch.

SirChenjin

Banaba wrote: »

Sorry to hear pork life. I know it has only been year one for me but it’s just this week following the mass it suddenly feels like it’s more permanent and cemented. It’s devastating and I don’t think anyone truly understands the pain until you experience it. My thoughts are with you

It's a very difficult time for you, OP. You have lost your mam at a very young age. Give yourself a chance to grieve. It's okay and very understandable that you felt as you did on your mam's anniversary.

I'm not going to give advice about him.
I am going to say you need to be much more gentle with yourself.

All the best.

Banaba

SirChenjin wrote: »

It's a very difficult time for you, OP. You have lost your mam at a very young age. Give yourself a chance to grieve. It's okay and very understandable that you felt as you did on your mam's anniversary.

I'm not going to give advice about him.
I am going to say you need to be much more gentle with yourself.

All the best.

Thank you for your kind words. Can I ask why you chose not to give advice about him

Johnnyhpipe

I read that 3 times and can’t see what you did wrong.

LegacyUser

You did nothing "wrong".....but if you arrange to meet someone romantically ,& are in the process of establishing a new relationship, it's simply not fair to stonewall them whilst retreating into your own grief. I've been on the receiving end of this,& you end up thinking "Why aren't they talking to me? Don't they like me? Don't they enjoy my company?". And also- why are they inflicting their (unexplained) bad mood on me, when I was really looking forward to meeting them?
Of course you deserve sympathy & he should be kind to you. But kindness goes both ways.

ShaShaBear

Banaba wrote: »

He is aware of this and has experience similar loss at the same time.

OP, is it in any way fair to assume that from your own statement above, he is currently in the middle of the one year anniversary of the death of someone close to him? So he's withdrawn and not responding to you as a result and you're getting worked up and fretting over what could possibly be exactly what you did to him?

As others have said, you did nothing wrong, but I will echo another poster and say it was not exactly fair of you to arrange a date/romantic meeting and then spend half the night in silence and retreating into your own grief. I lost a parent too, very shocking and unexpected at a young age and even before the first anniversary I knew better than to put myself in social situations with people who might not understand.

You've texted him now, leave it at that and if he doesn't respond, move on. You didn't like him pressuring you to talk that night, so if he is dealing with the anniversary of a bereavement right now, do him the courtesy you wish was afforded to you.

Banaba

So guys still no reply to my message, it’s been three days so I guess I have my answer. I feel bad as I feel like I scared him away but what can be done, lesson learned. Thanks for all the help. I feel let down though that he didn’t give some sort of reply and sort of ghosted me. Is this bad form of him or understandable?

Ursus Horribilis

This probably isn't going to be of any use to you on this occasion but I am strongly of the opinion that texting is the worst form of communication when it comes to complex things like this. It leaves far too much scope for misunderstanding. Picking up the phone and having a conversation is much better than banging off numerous texts .

Banaba

I text because it is our normal method of communication and felt ringing would make a bigger deal out of it and really scare him off

Ursus Horribilis

If a simple phone call is enough to scare him off, then what ye had must have been on very fragile ground indeed.

Banaba

I didn’t really think of it been honest. I knew he was at work late so I just sent the message because as I said it’s our usual method of communication

woodchuck

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If a simple phone call is enough to scare him off, then what ye had must have been on very fragile ground indeed.

That's a bit harsh. Texting/whatsapp is the main method of communication these days. So to deviate from that unexpectedly in the early days of dating can really throw people off. The only comparison I can think of is back when phonecalls were the primary method of communication, it would be like showing up on someone's doorstep unannounced!

I do agree though that sometimes texting isn't the best. However I'd never just ring someone out of the blue. I'd text first to ask if they're free for a quick call.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe he got scared away, but it could've happened at any time for any reason.

Banaba

woodchuck wrote: »

That's a bit harsh. Texting/whatsapp is the main method of communication these days. So to deviate from that unexpectedly in the early days of dating can really throw people off. The only comparison I can think of is back when phonecalls were the primary method of communication, it would be like showing up on someone's doorstep unannounced!

I do agree though that sometimes texting isn't the best. However I'd never just ring someone out of the blue. I'd text first to ask if they're free for a quick call.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe he got scared away, but it could've happened at any time for any reason.

Thanks for understanding my method of communication woodchuck. I feel my behaviour was not the best and understand his side if he wanted to leave. However am I right in feeling disappointed with the fact he didn’t respond at all to my apology given the reason why I was like that? I feel it was a bit harsh to just ignore my apology for been off over mams anniversary. I feel he could have acknowledged it at least instead of ghosting

woodchuck

Yes, I can understand why it would hurt that he didn't reply. It's possible he had no idea what to say though - I know I'm terrible in those types of situations!

If he has in fact ghosted you though, it's a lucky escape. It's an extremely cowardly act.

Banaba

I am very hurt to be honest. I appreciate it’s awkward but I also feel if he really wanted to he could just acknowledge it and either restart a conversation ie how was work/college etc.
I feel it’s safe to say he has ghosted. It’s been three days and he didn’t reply to even say ok. Even if he was busy with something 30 seconds out of his day wouldn’t have hurt to just say something instead of leaving me hanging especially when he knows it’s been a tough enough week already

qwerty13

He knew after the fact that it was a tough week. But you effectively ghosted him. You didn’t communicate, you just shut down. I know there was a reason for that, but tbh I can understand if he thinks ‘well this is the way she deals with things’. I think the shut down of communication is what scuppered you OP

osarusan

If you would like to see him again, send him a message asking to meet.

It will give you a clearer picture than you currently have, with the question of whether he is ignoring you or giving you space or just doesn't know what to say.

Banaba

I have been crying over this all last night. I had one hour before bed of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and have messed things up. I feel so bad because I liked this person and while I was wrong to Act cold at the time I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and evidently ghosting me

mordeith

Banaba wrote: »

I have been crying over this all last night. I had one hour before bed of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and have messed things up. I feel so bad because I liked this person and while I was wrong to Act cold at the time I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and evidently ghosting me

Seriously will you just send him another text. You'll never know for sure otherwise. You're convinced he's purposely ignored you but you haven't actually confirmed that. Just send him a text.

Faith

Banaba wrote: »

I have been crying over this all last night. I had one hour before bed of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and have messed things up. I feel so bad because I liked this person and while I was wrong to Act cold at the time I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and evidently ghosting me

I think it needs to be pointed out that you started this thread looking for advice, but you’ve ignored all of the advice given.

Why haven’t you texted him yet?

Are you happier to wallow in misery than take action?

Obviously, not doing anything is making you feel bad. So what can you do to make yourself feel better?

Banaba

I have taken on board the advice given But I am contemplating whether I should text him or not.

Reason being if I were in his shoes I would feel bad about leaving someone hanging after they told me they were feeling down over a parents anniversary. It would be bitchy and harsh of me not to reply at least and say ok or whatever. I certainly wouldn’t leave it 3/4 days especially if I had interest in the person. That’s just me.

I do feel he should be the one to text back. I made a mistake yes but an acknowledgement would be courteous. If he cared or wanted to pursue things he would have checked in by now. Me texting again may only hurt me more if I get rejected a second time

osarusan

Banaba wrote: »

I do feel he should be the one to text back. I made a mistake yes but an acknowledgement would be courteous. If he cared or wanted to pursue things he would have checked in by now. Me texting again may only hurt me more if I get rejected a second time

Maybe if you cared or wanted to pursue things, you would have texted by now.

Maybe he 'should' be the one to text, but how far do you want to progress that line of thinking? You said you like the guy..so act on it.

Worst case scenario is that he never replies and it just confirms what you have already convinced yourself of anyway.

Kitty6277

mordeith wrote: »

Seriously will you just send him another text. You'll never know for sure otherwise. You're convinced he's purposely ignored you but you haven't actually confirmed that. Just send him a text.

+1

Just text him. Men don't usually think the way women do, "why isn't she texting me, what did I do, oh god she hates me now for no apparent reason." Just send him a text, things are probably fine and you've just worked yourself into a state over it. Yeah, it's a little insensitive to not text back when you explained your behaviour that night, but he's probably just giving you space, which is basically what you said (without actually saying so) you wanted by being quiet and withdrawn. He's probably just waiting for you to feel like you're in a better place and feel up to talking again.

Banaba

Kitty6277 wrote: »

+1

Just text him. Men don't usually think the way women do, "why isn't she texting me, what did I do, oh god she hates me now for no apparent reason." Just send him a text, things are probably fine and you've just worked yourself into a state over it. Yeah, it's a little insensitive to not text back when you explained your behaviour that night, but he's probably just giving you space, which is basically what you said (without actually saying so) you wanted by being quiet and withdrawn. He's probably just waiting for you to feel like you're in a better place and feel up to talking again.

Ok I’ll send him a message later and see what happens. I’ll repost and say how it goes. Although I’m not holding much weight. I know I can’t read into this too much but I know he was meeting friends last night and going out. I have just seen he was tagged in a photo on Facebook with a girl wrapped around him which was obviously taken last night as he just became friends with her. And all his friends have liked it and put emojis etc so one would assume he was with her romantically not platonically.
it hurt me to see that. Yes he’s single etc but didn’t waste much time.

never_mind

Banaba wrote: »

Ok I’ll send him a message later and see what happens. I’ll repost and say how it goes. Although I’m not holding much weight. I know I can’t read into this too much but I know he was meeting friends last night and going out. I have just seen he was tagged in a photo on Facebook with a girl wrapped around him which was obviously taken last night as he just became friends with her. And all his friends have liked it and put emojis etc so one would assume he was with her romantically not platonically.
it hurt me to see that. Yes he’s single etc but didn’t waste much time.

Op, send a text before it’s too late. You’re he one ghosting him.

Banaba

never_mind wrote: »

Op, send a text before it’s too late. You’re he one ghosting him.

How am I ghosting him exactly when I’ve sent him a message and he’s the one not responding?

Porklife

never_mind wrote: »

Op, send a text before it’s too late. You’re he one ghosting him.

How is she ghosting him? She messaged him explaining why she was acting distant and he didn't reply. How is she ghosting him?! Is messaging him ghosting him somehow?

I know it hurts Op but I think he's gone and it's probably best to move on. Maybe throw him one last text as you've nothing to lose but in your head, walk away. Chin up op, if he is ignoring you then you're better off without him.

never_mind

Porklife wrote: »

How is she ghosting him? She messaged him explaining why she was acting distant and he didn't reply. How is she ghosting him?! Is messaging him ghosting him somehow?

I know it hurts Op but I think he's gone and it's probably best to move on. Maybe throw him one last text as you've nothing to lose but in your head, walk away. Chin up op, if he is ignoring you then you're better off without him.

She sent a message that might not need a response... she needs to normalise the convo and ask him out for a pint! Op, text him!