Girlfriend doing stupid things that bug the crap out of me

huggy15 · 19-09-2018 02:15PM #1

well ive been going out with this girl for nearly two years now. from day one i thought that she was a bit forgetful and ditsy. the problem is she does so much stuff that really annoys me but i am starting to wonder am i over reacting or is what im thinking what most people would think.

just today she left her house before me and went into town. i pulled up at the local petrol station to get a coffee from the shop beside it before i went up to my own house and i seen her car at the pumps. i thought nothing of it but seen when i was leaving that the wipers were on. i walked over and realised it was running, keys in the ignition, her phone laying on the driver seat and her bag laying on the passenger seat. i go into the shop to find her and her friend sitting in eating not a care in the world and i tell her the craic. she looked at me as if i had 10 heads and as if to say its no big deal. now i dont know if im over reacting but any scumbag couldve jumped in and been away in her car or took the phone as easy as pie but she makes out as if i am over reacting. the thing im thinking is that is this the woman i want to spend my life with.

theres a lot of other things that bug the crap out of me such as never ever locking her door to the house when she leaves no matter if its for 2 minutes or 2 days and numerous other silly things. what im wondering is this just me or should i be right in getting annoyed? im more annoyed at her stupidity more than anything. i just think if i ever moved in with her i couldnt trust her that she'd be doing stuff how they should be done and id come back some night and my stuff would be gone from the house because some one came in the front door that she left open and took it or if we ever shared a car she'd do the same as today! anyway any advice much appreciated.

Your Face · 19-09-2018 02:20PM

I can see your point OP.

However you called her stupid alot of times in the post and it doesn't come across well.

I can see how you'd be annoyed but did you ever talk to her about being a bit more careful?

amcalester · 19-09-2018 02:22PM

You should’ve moved her car somewhere safer.

Xterminator · 19-09-2018 02:25PM

Hi Op

some people don't learn lessons from being told.

they learn them from experience. so guess what, you can tell her till the cows come home, but only when her handbag is snatched and her phone stolen and perhaps her car crashed she may learn her lesson then. and maybe not then either.

But your reaction is pretty telling. you have lost some of the respect you have for her, and you made a show of her on front of a friend. For your own sake, dont do that again.

you appear to be stuck in loop of telling your girlfriend off, and expecting her to change her ways. Not going to happen. So cuts your losses or just accept her nd love her the way she is.

Emme · 19-09-2018 02:44PM

OP is this recent or has it being going on since you first started dating? Brain fog/forgetfulness could indicate an illness such as underactive thyroid. It might be no harm to encourage her to go to her GP for a check up.

Or she might be pregnant - some women get forgetful when they are pregnant.

Dial Hard · 19-09-2018 02:46PM

Ditsy people drive me demented so that kind of stupidity would be an absolute (and fairly immediate) deal-breaker for me. But you've been with her for two years - did this behaviour always annoy you or is it only recently? Because if she's always been like this and it's only recently bugging you to its current extent, that may be an indication that the relationship is perhaps beginning to run its course. It's never a good sign when things that never previously bothered us about our partner start getting on our last nerve.

As Xterminator has said, though, this behaviour is probably not going to change, not without a fairly spectacular financial loss on her behalf and perhaps not even then. Only you can decide if that's something you can live with or not.

pwurple · 19-09-2018 06:39PM

Well, she sounds more self absorbed and careless than stupid from those examples, but if you say she is thick too, well, you know her more than me.

To be honest, those are all traits I wouldn’t want in a spouse, because I wouldn’t want them in my kids either. so I definitely wouldn’t be happy with them in a girlfriend.

Wrap it up OP, that’s my advice. You can’t really change someone’s character.

Dr Turk Turkelton · 19-09-2018 06:45PM

The fact that she parked at the pump and went inside to eat would be enough for me to give her gate.

Caranica · 19-09-2018 06:46PM

Both of those issues are security related. Is she from a place that is traditionally very safe and people just don't lock doors?

Teyla Emmagan · 19-09-2018 07:55PM

She went in and sat down and had something to eat and all the while her car was sitting outside running, doors open, wipers on and all her stuff inside it? You should have robbed it, crashed it and set fire to it yourself.

huggy15 · 19-09-2018 08:52PM

i think that honestly she is just unaware of the possible dangers of doing such a thing as leaving the car running while she sits in eating . we live in donegal, im not for one second saying these things dont happen here but the likelihood is definitely lesser compared to a city or bigger town.

i just think to myself if we ever got married and had kids and shared a car and she was doing that sort of thing id hit the roof but she just seems to brush it of as if its not a big deal when to me it is. its only a number of things that shes very lax about, things that really bug me. shes always done these things but as of recent they've really began to annoy me because no matter how much i say to her she continues to do them.

i think its more the case of being forgetful than anything else. she would forget her head only for its attached to her shoulders. theres talk of us moving in together and i just think to myself sometimes has this girl got her head in the clouds 90 percent of the time and im apprehensive about taking the step.

Flibble · 19-09-2018 08:53PM

Yeah OP... It's not a great sign that you've called her stupid so many times.

However, it would do my head in and I'd feel the exact same. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

I had a boss like this for nearly a decade- she'd leave her handbag on the shop floor, wide open. Would count out the lodgement in front of customers (literally thousands of euros, right on the counter). Leaving the car running with the door wide open and her purse etc on the passenger seat for up to an hour at a time was her speciality.

When she had kids... It upped the ante of how bad it was. I witnessed:

* Her 2 year old left in a locked car in an isolated location with no security cameras while she disappeared to drop the other kid to school & grab a coffee (this was almost every day, easily 15mins each time)
* Same kid left on a busy public street in an UNLOCKED car out of sight of the shop for nearly 30 minutes
* Her 4 year old left in a locked car and starting to get distressed, but she misplaced her keys so the poor child was turning purple crying and banging on the window. It took her over ten minutes to locate her keys, which is a very long time with a desperately upset child

These are just the incidents I witnessed that used to panic me so much, there were loads more.

I would turn and run from this relationship...

orthsquel · 19-09-2018 09:39PM

If she would not be worried about someone else needing the pump, or the risk of her battery going flat or damage to her own property then it's not forgetfulness or not seeing the danger, it's not caring about it whatsoever.

The other week at work, I saw someone leave their car lights on and walk away, I went over to them and told them, they acted embarrassed but it wasnt the first time doing it, and they went back to the car immediately and turned off the lights. That would be a normal reaction, I would think. If I saw your gf's car I'd be confused why it was there at the pump with the car running for starters, but I'd probably go in and tell the owner the car is running with wipers, etc. I'd be floored with shock if they downright didn't care, save unless she was driving a JCB down to the building site down the road.

If she's always done these things and it's bothering you now, especially with talk about moving in together, then clearly these are lax habits (not forgetfulness, ditzyness) and lack of care for her own stuff are coming to the forefront of something you need to address with yourself. If you've talked to her about them before and she still does it, then it's not going to change.

Out of interest, would she be one of those people who loses track of time, often is late for arrangements, gets distracted and has a long list of things she never gets done because something else always comes up?

leggo · 19-09-2018 10:01PM

I'm big into personal security so this would be a no-no for me. It might be time for a big chat OP, not necessarily breaking up but letting her know how much of a big deal this stuff is to you. Then again, I also know people like this and the thought of them changing just made me laugh here, it just won't happen. So best you can hope for if you plan to stick together is getting them to pay attention to 1-2 big things then just accepting them for who they are.

BettePorter · 19-09-2018 11:00PM

Whatever about leaving the car at the pump when u aren't getting petrol (which is bad enough) how the hell do you get out of a car and leave it running . It's just not a natural reaction. I wouldn't even do that running back into the house to get something. It's like putting on the handbrake ... you don't actively have to remember to do it, it's instinctive...the natural reaction is to just turn the car off and step out. Regardless for how long.

huggy15 · 19-09-2018 11:10PM

orthsquel wrote:

Out of interest, would she be one of those people who loses track of time, often is late for arrangements, gets distracted and has a long list of things she never gets done because something else always comes up?

that would be a pretty accurate description of her.

Ursus Horribilis · 19-09-2018 11:27PM

It looks like the talk of moving in together has made you face up to what you've been trying to ignore. Someone like your girlfriend would drive me nuts. You're not over reacting, in my opinion. The next question is, are you OK with having this ditziness in your life for years into the future?

I've a relative who's married to a man who sounds a bit like your girlfriend and I've seen the stress it has caused her. Sometimes I think it's more like a mother and small child relationship, than one of equals.

Rubberchikken · 20-09-2018 12:04AM

Personally, id leave her to do what shes doing. People like this only learn through experience either good or bad.

Tbh leaving the car at the pump, engine on, phone on seat etc is either the height of stupidity or naivety. Either way its not good. If the car is taken, insurance wont pay up.
Ill be honest and admit her behaviour would wear me down eventually.

joeguevara · 20-09-2018 04:22AM

I have found that if small things annoy you then it’s the beginning of the end. When I am with someone and love the bones off them then I find the quirks, intricacies and actions endearing and hilarious. When the same things start to grate and annoy me it usually means the beginning of the end.

Similarly I have found that things that a girl found attractive about me at the beginning like a bit of a bad boy, copious amounts of tattoos and a bit of a lad were the things that were referenced at break up.

You shouldn’t want to change her, and if the things are her and annoys you then it probably means that you aren’t compatible. So many times girls liked the person I could become rather than who I am and it ended badly. The things you mentioned would annoy the fcuk out of me but if she was the one I would find it hilarious how it would annoy other people rather than being annoyed at her.

Garrett81 · 20-09-2018 06:02AM

I have someone in my life the exact same way. I spent my years angry and irritated by this person and being in her company alone would annoy me. In the end I was the one who was suffering until I realised how selfish of me that I demand that she change, so I could be happy!! It was me not her that needed to change. All these careless things kept happening and I came to the conclusion that I can’t change another person or take a single step for them , but I could change my reaction to situations concerning her. It has helped me immensely.

20-09-2018 08:08AM

Garrett81 wrote: »

I have someone in my life the exact same way. I spent my years angry and irritated by this person and being in her company alone would annoy me. In the end I was the one who was suffering until I realised how selfish of me that I demand that she change, so I could be happy!! It was me not her that needed to change. All these careless things kept happening and I came to the conclusion that I can’t change another person or take a single step for them , but I could change my reaction to situations concerning her. It has helped me immensely.

...but this isn't just annoying behavior that has no effect. This advice would be fine if it was just leaving teabags in the sink or dirty socks on the floor.

When it's looking like a future of living together and sharing a house with someone so careless about security, the OP might be coming home to find the house cleared out, the car robbed, his future children in danger, etc. That's just not okay to have to live with those possibilities. I wouldn't be able for it.

Deal breaker, unfortunately.

Fakediamond · 20-09-2018 08:09AM

Garrett81 wrote: »

I have someone in my life the exact same way. I spent my years angry and irritated by this person and being in her company alone would annoy me. In the end I was the one who was suffering until I realised how selfish of me that I demand that she change, so I could be happy!! It was me not her that needed to change. All these careless things kept happening and I came to the conclusion that I can’t change another person or take a single step for them , but I could change my reaction to situations concerning her. It has helped me immensely.

So you left then?

Teyla Emmagan · 20-09-2018 08:36AM

There was a young couple in Tipperary earlier this year who lost their baby because your man went to work and forgot to bring the child to creche. He left the baby in the back seat all day. The poor child died of the heat. Horrific tragedy which will surely destroy both of their lives. I know that's at the extreme end of carelessness/sheer and utter accident but you can only assume the risk of such things happening would be increased with someone who is generally 'lax'.

And the lack of consciousness about security here that would really bother me. That's just inexcusable in this day and age.

B0jangles · 20-09-2018 09:14AM

This would drive me demented OP; it sounds like it's not just one or two little habits, it sounds like she simply doesn't perceive risk/danger in anything like the same way you do, or indeed, as most people do.

I don't like or want to be pessimistic about a stranger's relationship, but this sounds like a dead end if you don't want to be worrying about safety constantly.

Pelvis · 20-09-2018 12:38PM

Not gonna lie.... after the petrol station thing I may have just ended it there and then.

Pyr0 · 20-09-2018 01:05PM

Forgetful is leaving your house keys in work one too many times or not bringing the bins out on the correct days.

What she did is beyond idiotic and other posters are right, she'll never learn or change her ways until the car is stolen and burned out or her house is burgled. Judging by the way she has reacted already to you taking her up on it, you can be absolutely sure that she wouldn't take any responsibility for influencing it either.

If I were you and this behaviour was a constant thing I'd at least sit her down and have a talk, you owe her that much at least after two years together.

SirChenjin · 20-09-2018 05:24PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It looks like the talk of moving in together has made you face up to what you've been trying to ignore. Someone like your girlfriend would drive me nuts. You're not over reacting, in my opinion. The next question is, are you OK with having this ditziness in your life for years into the future?

I've a relative who's married to a man who sounds a bit like your girlfriend and I've seen the stress it has caused her. Sometimes I think it's more like a mother and small child relationship, than one of equals.

This, OP, is possibly what you would be faced with, ie more like a parent and small child relationship versus an equal and adult relationship.

Leaving a car at the pumps while eating inside is a selfish and thoughtless thing to do, never mind the stupidity of all the other factors.
People who are 'ditsy / scatty' or whatever quite honestly drive me up the walls.

I presume she has good qualities, to be fair, but as others have said, once you start to see irritating stuff, it's better to take a step back and see is this something you can put up with. Or not.

orthsquel · 20-09-2018 09:16PM

Op you seem to be brushing off these examples as not seeing dangers, being forgetful, being ditzy, but I'm wondering if there's more to it? The reason I asked was she one of those people who are always late, have list of stuff to get done that never does because of something else coming up, is because I'm wondering given that you described that she looked at you as if you had 10 heads about the car being parked at the pump, running, with wipes, is not really about being ditzy, but just flat out not caring about how her behaviour effects others, its impact on others or consequences of her own actions?

Is she generally an attentive partner, carefree and easy going or is there any hint of drama, wanting things a certain way, being more absorbed in her things rather than caring about others?

Are there other instances of her behaviour of a similar line to what you already described?

qwerty13 · 20-09-2018 11:24PM

“is not really about being ditzy, but just flat out not caring about how her behaviour effects others, its impact on others or consequences of her own actions?”

This is what would get to me. I couldn’t live with that kind of behaviour. Tbh it sounds like you can’t either OP, when the initial first flush of romance settled down.

I know someone like this. Everyone around her ends up ‘picking up the pieces’. And I can’t see how that will change, ever. She’s mid 30s now, and this is what she’s used to. And gets away with it. I don’t let her away with it, but I’m only an acquaintance. Her family & close friends constantly end up sorting out any problems she has. From losing wallets / keys / car keys / bank cards - to forgetting to pick up her kids from crèche on time.

You have to decide whether you can live that way. I know I couldn’t.

LegacyUser · 21-09-2018 04:36AM

Hi OP, I had a housemate a few years ago who was like that. She honestly lacked a lot of common sense and could be a bit plain stupid (it feels bad to say she was a bit stupid but honestly sometimes its the only description you can use!). My housemate worked in the research labs so she had it all brain-wise on paper but just lacked daily common sense!

Her farming family never locked their front door in the countryside but when she moved to the city we discovered that she kept this bad habit up! I came home a few times to find the front door left unlocked and had a chat with her about why you really can't do that in a town/city. Two of my parents neighbours were robbed via their unlocked front doors before so I was aware of the danger! She thought it was an overreaction to lock your front door! I thought the chat had put her straight.

It culminated one day when I was upstairs alone and heard her go out, assuming she had gotten the message. I discovered she had left it open again and a man walked into the house unannounced and gave me a horrible fright! Turns out I recognized him a few mins later as a local who turned out was a friend of theirs. He was just dropping something in while he passed by and had found the door open when he knocked (he was putting the parcel in the hallway). I confronted him and he was shocked and felt terrible for giving me such a fright.

I blew up at her that evening and she never did it around me again but as far as I know she's back at it again.

Some people never change or learn the obvious OP. You need to sit her down to have a serious discussion because this is really just not acceptable at all in 2018.

ManOfMystery · 21-09-2018 02:21PM

I see your point totally OP.

Dizziness, carelessness and so on are traits that greatly rile me. My sister is very similar, spends all day engrossed in her phone and will like any Facebook post you put up within 10 secs, but lacks the common sense to even lock doors and not leave a purse lying on the front seat of the car. These are basic security things which should be a priority but seem to be low down the pecking order below social media and texting and so on.

Sometimes people like this only learn the hard way. If I was you I'd have jumped in her car and parked it round the corner somewhere. Let her panic for a while, with a few subtle comments about how her insurance wouldn't cover her loss as the car was left with the keys in it, then come clean before she made any calls to the Garda so as not to waste their time.

Girlfriend doing stupid things that bug the crap out of me

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