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Girlfriend doing stupid things that bug the crap out of me

huggy15

well ive been going out with this girl for nearly two years now. from day one i thought that she was a bit forgetful and ditsy. the problem is she does so much stuff that really annoys me but i am starting to wonder am i over reacting or is what im thinking what most people would think.

just today she left her house before me and went into town. i pulled up at the local petrol station to get a coffee from the shop beside it before i went up to my own house and i seen her car at the pumps. i thought nothing of it but seen when i was leaving that the wipers were on. i walked over and realised it was running, keys in the ignition, her phone laying on the driver seat and her bag laying on the passenger seat. i go into the shop to find her and her friend sitting in eating not a care in the world and i tell her the craic. she looked at me as if i had 10 heads and as if to say its no big deal. now i dont know if im over reacting but any scumbag couldve jumped in and been away in her car or took the phone as easy as pie but she makes out as if i am over reacting. the thing im thinking is that is this the woman i want to spend my life with.

theres a lot of other things that bug the crap out of me such as never ever locking her door to the house when she leaves no matter if its for 2 minutes or 2 days and numerous other silly things. what im wondering is this just me or should i be right in getting annoyed? im more annoyed at her stupidity more than anything. i just think if i ever moved in with her i couldnt trust her that she'd be doing stuff how they should be done and id come back some night and my stuff would be gone from the house because some one came in the front door that she left open and took it or if we ever shared a car she'd do the same as today! anyway any advice much appreciated.

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Selfheal

In all seriousness, perhaps you might suggest to her that she be assessed for adult ADHD?

facehugger99

huggy15 wrote: »

just today she left her house before me and went into town. i pulled up at the local petrol station to get a coffee from the shop beside it before i went up to my own house and i seen her car at the pumps. i thought nothing of it but seen when i was leaving that the wipers were on. i walked over and realised it was running, keys in the ignition, her phone laying on the driver seat and her bag laying on the passenger seat.

There's ditsy and there's stupid.

The above is stupid.

I personally wouldn't want to have kids with someone this stupid - there's too big a chance of them turning out stupid too.

Unless of course she's incredibly hot and amazing in bed, in which case I could probably forgive her.

Calibos

Time to call it a day OP.

I could never live with someone like that as it is but add kids into the equation and I'd be a nervous wreck every day they were in her charge. Imagine not just losing a child but likely blaming the mother of your child for the rest of your life even if it wasn't her fault because 'maybe she didn't tell me everything'. Or even just the stress of knowing the kids where in her charge most of the week after the courts award her majority custody after a breakup.

I'd be calling it a day anyway.

JeffKenna

How was the car running at the petrol station... I thought you had to turn off the engine before filling up? Sounds dangerous.

Plopsu

She left he belongings unsupervised and accessible where they could be stolen - careless and/or naïve
She left her engine running while she went to have something to eat - wasteful
She left her car blocking a pump while she went to get something to eat - thoughtless/arrogant/selfish

If careless, wasteful and selfish are on your 'must have' list, then stick around. Otherwise, time to start disengaging.

Eric Cartman

KevinCavan wrote: »

You could be stuck with her if she has your sprog.

if she'll forget to take the keys out of a car at a petrol station , forgetting the pill etc.. isn't that out there.

kaji

She sounds like such an idiot. I couldn't stick that for long. I house-shared with a girl and she kept leaving the house unlocked when she went out. It did my head in. I left in the end cos it was stressing me out so much. She would also throw all her rubbish from her car into the recycling bin- stuff that wasn't recyclable and with food still in it etc. Sick. Those small things build up and it can begin to affect you eventually. Some people are just as thick as two short planks.

Esse85

What sort of upbringing has she had?

Was she spoilt and had everything handed to her?

Ursus Horribilis

If she's forgetful and ditsy by nature, then all the talking in the world isn't going to change her. As the saying goes, the problem with common sense is that it's not very common. The man my relative is married to would wreck many people's heads, I think. I don't know what he's like when it comes to locking the house but I've seen numerous other things that'd put me off. Everything from nearly having a chip pan fire in the kitchen because he forgot that he was cooking chips to forgetting to collect the kids from school. These are only some examples of what I know - I'm sure his wife and family could furnish you with a much longer list.

We can all be forgetful and have lapses at time but what you're describing is something much worse. If it was me, I'd be cutting my losses. But this is your relationship. You need to decide whether you're OK with spending your life with someone as unreliable as this.

KevinCavan

Emme wrote: »

OP is this recent or has it being going on since you first started dating? Brain fog/forgetfulness could indicate an illness such as underactive thyroid. It might be no harm to encourage her to go to her GP for a check up.

Or she might be pregnant - some women get forgetful when they are pregnant.

You could be stuck with her if she has your sprog.

zapper55

I think you should talk to her honestly about how much it wrecks your head, that you don't know if you are a future because of it.

I don't think this current situation is good for either of you. I'd be like you in that it'd drive me mad and actually really annoy me and jesus life is too short to be constantly annoyed by your partner. From her perspective I'm sure she doesn't love you bringing it up all the time ( because it sounds like this is a daily thing).

bilbot79

The car thing is off the Richter scale of stupidity. I totally see where you're coming from

ConnyMcDavid

If she wasn't your partner and was a close friend, would you feel safe enough to leave your child in their company? (if you do/ plan on having a kid in the future).

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Big Nasty

Record her doing stupid stuff
Upload it to YouTube
Profit

FTA69

I'm scatty. I always forget to lock the back door after leaving the cat out, although I've resolved not to do it again - mainly because my partner blew up at me massively about it and it finally drilled it into me. I've often left stuff on buses and in pubs and restaurants too. Some people's brains are just wired like that. However it can change. I used to always leave my keys in the house, but after a night waiting in the cold I've never done it again.

My ex was from rural Cork and when we came to London would always roll her eyes when I lectured her about being alert and minding her phone. One handbag lost to a junkie in Camden and one snatched phone later and she was all about keeping her eyes open.

I can see how it drives people mad, but if this is her only flaw then you can work on it? However if this is colouring everything else in your relationship then maybe deeper issues are at work?

spaceHopper

I grew up in the country we never locked our back door except when we went out or at night. My mother drilled into me take the keys with you when you leave the car....

Look this girl is not going to change there is no point telling her off. You need to decide if she's for you. What happens if you break up. Is it a small area / town

Sleepy

Leave her OP. If her being an idiot is doing your head in after 2 years when you haven't even been living together, you'll murder her within a year of living with her.

BrokenArrows

OP its probably a "straw that broke the camels back" scenario.

No individual incident is enough to be an issue but constant little things can be far worse than one big issue that you can just deal with.

ManOfMystery

I see your point totally OP.

Dizziness, carelessness and so on are traits that greatly rile me. My sister is very similar, spends all day engrossed in her phone and will like any Facebook post you put up within 10 secs, but lacks the common sense to even lock doors and not leave a purse lying on the front seat of the car. These are basic security things which should be a priority but seem to be low down the pecking order below social media and texting and so on.

Sometimes people like this only learn the hard way. If I was you I'd have jumped in her car and parked it round the corner somewhere. Let her panic for a while, with a few subtle comments about how her insurance wouldn't cover her loss as the car was left with the keys in it, then come clean before she made any calls to the Garda so as not to waste their time.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I had a housemate a few years ago who was like that. She honestly lacked a lot of common sense and could be a bit plain stupid (it feels bad to say she was a bit stupid but honestly sometimes its the only description you can use!). My housemate worked in the research labs so she had it all brain-wise on paper but just lacked daily common sense!

Her farming family never locked their front door in the countryside but when she moved to the city we discovered that she kept this bad habit up! I came home a few times to find the front door left unlocked and had a chat with her about why you really can't do that in a town/city. Two of my parents neighbours were robbed via their unlocked front doors before so I was aware of the danger! She thought it was an overreaction to lock your front door! I thought the chat had put her straight.

It culminated one day when I was upstairs alone and heard her go out, assuming she had gotten the message. I discovered she had left it open again and a man walked into the house unannounced and gave me a horrible fright! Turns out I recognized him a few mins later as a local who turned out was a friend of theirs. He was just dropping something in while he passed by and had found the door open when he knocked (he was putting the parcel in the hallway). I confronted him and he was shocked and felt terrible for giving me such a fright.

I blew up at her that evening and she never did it around me again but as far as I know she's back at it again.

Some people never change or learn the obvious OP. You need to sit her down to have a serious discussion because this is really just not acceptable at all in 2018.

qwerty13

“is not really about being ditzy, but just flat out not caring about how her behaviour effects others, its impact on others or consequences of her own actions?”

This is what would get to me. I couldn’t live with that kind of behaviour. Tbh it sounds like you can’t either OP, when the initial first flush of romance settled down.

I know someone like this. Everyone around her ends up ‘picking up the pieces’. And I can’t see how that will change, ever. She’s mid 30s now, and this is what she’s used to. And gets away with it. I don’t let her away with it, but I’m only an acquaintance. Her family & close friends constantly end up sorting out any problems she has. From losing wallets / keys / car keys / bank cards - to forgetting to pick up her kids from crèche on time.

You have to decide whether you can live that way. I know I couldn’t.

orthsquel

Op you seem to be brushing off these examples as not seeing dangers, being forgetful, being ditzy, but I'm wondering if there's more to it? The reason I asked was she one of those people who are always late, have list of stuff to get done that never does because of something else coming up, is because I'm wondering given that you described that she looked at you as if you had 10 heads about the car being parked at the pump, running, with wipes, is not really about being ditzy, but just flat out not caring about how her behaviour effects others, its impact on others or consequences of her own actions?

Is she generally an attentive partner, carefree and easy going or is there any hint of drama, wanting things a certain way, being more absorbed in her things rather than caring about others?

Are there other instances of her behaviour of a similar line to what you already described?

SirChenjin

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It looks like the talk of moving in together has made you face up to what you've been trying to ignore. Someone like your girlfriend would drive me nuts. You're not over reacting, in my opinion. The next question is, are you OK with having this ditziness in your life for years into the future?

I've a relative who's married to a man who sounds a bit like your girlfriend and I've seen the stress it has caused her. Sometimes I think it's more like a mother and small child relationship, than one of equals.

This, OP, is possibly what you would be faced with, ie more like a parent and small child relationship versus an equal and adult relationship.

Leaving a car at the pumps while eating inside is a selfish and thoughtless thing to do, never mind the stupidity of all the other factors.
People who are 'ditsy / scatty' or whatever quite honestly drive me up the walls.

I presume she has good qualities, to be fair, but as others have said, once you start to see irritating stuff, it's better to take a step back and see is this something you can put up with. Or not.

Pyr0

Forgetful is leaving your house keys in work one too many times or not bringing the bins out on the correct days.

What she did is beyond idiotic and other posters are right, she'll never learn or change her ways until the car is stolen and burned out or her house is burgled. Judging by the way she has reacted already to you taking her up on it, you can be absolutely sure that she wouldn't take any responsibility for influencing it either.

If I were you and this behaviour was a constant thing I'd at least sit her down and have a talk, you owe her that much at least after two years together.

Pelvis

Not gonna lie.... after the petrol station thing I may have just ended it there and then.

B0jangles

This would drive me demented OP; it sounds like it's not just one or two little habits, it sounds like she simply doesn't perceive risk/danger in anything like the same way you do, or indeed, as most people do.

I don't like or want to be pessimistic about a stranger's relationship, but this sounds like a dead end if you don't want to be worrying about safety constantly.

Teyla Emmagan

There was a young couple in Tipperary earlier this year who lost their baby because your man went to work and forgot to bring the child to creche. He left the baby in the back seat all day. The poor child died of the heat. Horrific tragedy which will surely destroy both of their lives. I know that's at the extreme end of carelessness/sheer and utter accident but you can only assume the risk of such things happening would be increased with someone who is generally 'lax'.

And the lack of consciousness about security here that would really bother me. That's just inexcusable in this day and age.

Fakediamond

Garrett81 wrote: »

I have someone in my life the exact same way. I spent my years angry and irritated by this person and being in her company alone would annoy me. In the end I was the one who was suffering until I realised how selfish of me that I demand that she change, so I could be happy!! It was me not her that needed to change. All these careless things kept happening and I came to the conclusion that I can’t change another person or take a single step for them , but I could change my reaction to situations concerning her. It has helped me immensely.

So you left then?

[Deleted User]

Garrett81 wrote: »

I have someone in my life the exact same way. I spent my years angry and irritated by this person and being in her company alone would annoy me. In the end I was the one who was suffering until I realised how selfish of me that I demand that she change, so I could be happy!! It was me not her that needed to change. All these careless things kept happening and I came to the conclusion that I can’t change another person or take a single step for them , but I could change my reaction to situations concerning her. It has helped me immensely.

...but this isn't just annoying behavior that has no effect. This advice would be fine if it was just leaving teabags in the sink or dirty socks on the floor.

When it's looking like a future of living together and sharing a house with someone so careless about security, the OP might be coming home to find the house cleared out, the car robbed, his future children in danger, etc. That's just not okay to have to live with those possibilities. I wouldn't be able for it.

Deal breaker, unfortunately.

Garrett81

I have someone in my life the exact same way. I spent my years angry and irritated by this person and being in her company alone would annoy me. In the end I was the one who was suffering until I realised how selfish of me that I demand that she change, so I could be happy!! It was me not her that needed to change. All these careless things kept happening and I came to the conclusion that I can’t change another person or take a single step for them , but I could change my reaction to situations concerning her. It has helped me immensely.