Over 30 years after my brother's death, my mother constantly brings it up

LegacyUser · 09-09-2018 02:40PM #1

I'm not even sure how to even explain this but here it goes. Before I was born my mother had 2 kids before me, a boy and a girl. The boy was her firstborn would now be 36 if he was alive now and my sister is currently 34.

My brother died when he was 2 at home. It was an accident and my father and grandmother(my father's mothers) were both present at the time.

All my life growing up I have heard about my brother - how it happened and most especially my mother's almost absolute hate towards my now deceased grandmother(who died before I was born). I grew up with a slight hint of resentment towards my grandmother as I never knew her and had no one's word to go on but my mother's.

Whenever herself and my dad get into a fight (most recently, today) she yells about how she hates living where we do and how it brings it all back and that she regrets ever coming to live with him here and when she's in a temper she'll hint that she blames him for my brothers death all those years ago.

There's not nearly a week that goes by when my mother doesn't mention my brother in some capacity. Sometimes I get extremely frustrated and wish she wouldn't talk about him as sometimes she acts as though myself and my other siblings are inferior and will never be as perfect as he was. I hate that I think like this. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe it's because I never knew him?

My mother also hates the fact that my dad will never talk about my brother. She told me many years ago that the accident happened with him and he blames himself. The only time I've ever heard him talk about it is when I asked him when I was younger and he simply said it was my fault.
My mother sometimes says things that make me wish she had received counselling years ago.

She automatically seems to have almost a disdain towards someone if they happen to have the same name as my brother or if they were born in the same year. When my sister had her first boy, she asked her to name it the same as my brother. My sister refused but she did give him the same middle name. Whenever she sees parents talking about losing a child on the tele she will switch it off and say 'Well I lost my child too'.

What's prompted this post is as I said this morning my mum started yelling about how she hates where we live and the road outside because it's where my brother died and she told me that was rumour going around at the time that my grandmother deliberately caused my brother's death. My dad was utterly incredulous, as was I. It just came completely out of the blue.

My dad said he's heard her say this so many times and it's insane. Something inside me snapped and I pointed out that she acted like she was the first person in the world to lose a child and that all my life growing up I have been constantly reminded of this fact. I told my dad she should have received counselling at the time but he didn't say anything. When I said to her she didn't want memories being dredged up, yet she talks about nearly every week. When I was born I had a twin that was stillborn, yet my mother rarely talks about him the way that she does her firstborn.

My question is what can I do? Is there anything I can even do? I feel like a selfish person for almost resenting my mother for constantly bringing up my brother as I can't even imagine how damaging the loss of a child can be. But at the same time I feel like she still has so much anger and grief and blaming everyone around her. I've witnessed it for years and I'm at a loss of what to say to her.

December2012 · 09-09-2018 05:28PM

I dont think theres anything you can make your mother do, but you might benefit from.some counselling yourself.

I'm very sorry for your losses

Whispered · 09-09-2018 07:00PM

Oh god. It's a nightmare and I'm sorry for both losses. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a sibling of a lost child.

If I lost my son (he's my only child), I would not want to continue living. It's that simple. I can only imagine what your mother went through, the emotions. Jesus it makes my blood run cold to think about it.

In saying that, you didn't know him yet you grew up in his shadow. I imagine that was not easy, trying to live up to an ideal. I don't know what to suggest other than counselling for you.

How does your sister feel about it? Can you two talk about it at all?

august12 · 09-09-2018 07:15PM

This is extremely sad reading, failing your mother going for councelling, I do feel you would benefit from it, have you ever sat down with your mother and spoken openly and honestly about this, without blaming her for the effect it had had on your life, just an open honest chat, it might help all concerned.

LegacyUser · 09-09-2018 08:17PM

Whispered wrote: »

Oh god. It's a nightmare and I'm sorry for both losses. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a sibling of a lost child.

If I lost my son (he's my only child), I would not want to continue living. It's that simple. I can only imagine what your mother went through, the emotions. Jesus it makes my blood run cold to think about it.

In saying that, you didn't know him yet you grew up in his shadow. I imagine that was not easy, trying to live up to an ideal. I don't know what to suggest other than counselling for you.

How does your sister feel about it? Can you two talk about it at all?

Thinking about it, it was my sister really I guess that grew up in his shadow, not me. If my brother were alive now he would be 13 years older than me. My sister is 11 years older than me. She was only a few months old when he died. Funnily enough, up until recently I didn't pay any attention to my mother talking about him, I think it's only really since I hit my teenage years that I actually noticed. My first memory of knowing about him is when I was very young, seeing my mother crying over a pile of photographs when I was little and querying what was the matter with her.
I've actually never ever discussed it with my sister at all

LegacyUser · 09-09-2018 08:23PM

august12 wrote: »

This is extremely sad reading, failing your mother going for councelling, I do feel you would benefit from it, have you ever sat down with your mother and spoken openly and honestly about this, without blaming her for the effect it had had on your life, just an open honest chat, it might help all concerned.

@august12 I have tried before but unfortunately she's a very highly stung person. She accused me of being 'weird' before when I told her I didn't always want to hear her talking about it and said that he was her baby and that was my 'little brother' and why wouldn't I want to hear about him. It's like she's projecting her grief onto me and wants me to grieve with her and I don't know what to do because I can't. I can't grieve for an event that happened 11 years before I was born. It's odd because I know every single detail about it. My mum also argues with my dad about it. For example, during an anniversary, my dad didn't want her to post an orbituary in the paper - my mum said she did and wanted people to see her son so she went ahead and ignored my dad's wishes and published it anyways.
I don't think she can be spoken to rationally about this subject because she's a highly sensitive person anyways. My dad clearly doesn't like hearing about it either and when I've asked him why he doesn't chat to her, he simply says he doesn't want to argue with her

ginandtonicsky · 09-09-2018 08:40PM

Your mother desperately needs bereavement counselling, as does your father by the sounds of it. It absolutely was not his fault and I can’t even imagine how incredibly hurtful it must be to hear this from your mother for all these years. How devastating for him.

Your parents have not properly dealt with this monumental loss and they need to as a matter of urgency. Is there anything you can do to convince them? Or is there perhaps an aunt or close relative who they might listen to about this?

I’m so sorry for how this has impacted on you as well. A sibling of mind succumbed to mental illness during my early teens and I’ve felt like I’ve had half of a mother ever since - this is a common thing in households where there’s been a loss. The “well” siblings can be overlooked and can even be made to feel guilty for being “well” and for the conflicting feelings that brings towards your lost sibling.

Ghekko · 09-09-2018 08:41PM

Your mother is still traumatised by that time. She really needs help to at least try to move forward. My firstborn died shortly after birth. I then had 2 more children and felt I wasn't a good enough mother. I was a bit nuts and used to shout at them a lot. It took 6 years for me to seek counselling and that helped a lot. It's been 18 years now and I now have 3 living children who know all about their brother, we have photos around the house of him and we 'celebrate' his birthday/anniversary each year. But my kids aren't growing up in his shadow. We are open about him. He is part of the family in a positive way. My heart goes out to your dad who obviously feels responsible for your brothers death. However I imagine whatever happened was a hugely tragic accident. I can't imagine the guilt your dad has felt himself and then has had laid on his shoulders by your mum. To be honest they both probably need separate counselling and then maybe could go to counselling together at a later stage. Your mother cannot continue to blame your dad - that is not on. Try to find details of a good bereavement counsellor in your area - Their gp may be able to refer them separately to one. And you were right to stop your mum from having a go this morning. However upset she feels she cannot continue to take it out on you all. There are other ways for her to learn to live with such a horrendous loss :-(

LegacyUser · 09-09-2018 08:50PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Your mother desperately needs bereavement counselling, as does your father by the sounds of it. It absolutely was not his fault and I can’t even imagine how incredibly hurtful it must be to hear this from your mother for all these years. How devastating for him.

Your parents have not properly dealt with this monumental loss and they need to as a matter of urgency. Is there anything you can do to convince them? Or is there perhaps an aunt or close relative who they might listen to about this?

I’m so sorry for how this has impacted on you as well. A sibling of mind succumbed to mental illness during my early teens and I’ve felt like I’ve had half of a mother ever since - this is a common thing in households where there’s been a loss. The “well” siblings can be overlooked and can even be made to feel guilty for being “well” and for the conflicting feelings that brings towards your lost sibling.

Unfortunately I don't think nobody/nothing will ever convince them @ginandtonicsky.Not that it's probably relevant but my mother is in her early 60's and my Dad early 70's. I suggested it to them before and my Dad said it would be a waste of time and my Mum said she didn't want someone dredging up old memories. I feel it probably impacted on my older sister, rather than myself. As I said in a reply to another poster, she would have been a few months when it happened and she is 11 years older than me. She never speaks about it at all though so I have no idea how she feels. I guess it's impacted on me in that I feel frustrated that my mother talks about it so much (as selfish as that probably sounds), though strangely I've only started to really notice it in the last year.

Hannibal_Smith · 10-09-2018 07:35AM

I wonder if your mother feels, if she stops talking about your brother then he really is gone. May seem extreme so any years later, but if a child of mine died in accident, I couldn't carry on like they didn't exist and not mention them. (Not for one second suggesting you don't understand that btw). The fact that It was an accident must feel like he was so harshly snapped from her and if not for that he would still be here.

Maybe she feels like if only she'd been there he wouldn't have been denied a life and she wouldn't be denied a son.

It must be so hard for all of you and definitely counselling is the way forward. Maybe she thinks counselling equals moving on and that moving on means forgetting him? Where as it's about easing the pain.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother. Your poor parents. And I'm truly sorry for your own loss.

shesty · 10-09-2018 09:49PM

Umfortunately until you are a parent yourself you will probably never truly understand it.If anything happened to my small kids, I would be destroyed.Truly, I don't know how I would ever get over it or even if I ever would.I have nothing but respect for people who continue to live life having been through the trauma of losing a child, it must be so awful.Unfortunately your mum should have had counselling and now probably has years of dealing with the trauma and guilt associated with what happened.You can't force her into counselling but it sounds like she needs to talk to someone.Otherwise all I can say is try to take a step back from it and understand that she must be still really hurting and has to let it out somehow.

Xterminator · 11-09-2018 08:47AM

Hi op

you cant fix your mother. But you can recognise she is in pain, mentally, and act appropriately.

snapping is understandable, but wrong. Its wrong because when you react from a place of pain you are lashing out. I know everyone has their threshold and you reached a point where your patience and understanding were depleted and snapped back. it wont help to do so and i bet a part of you regrets that now.

Everyone in your family has been affected by this bereavement. You, your father, your sister your mum, etc. And if you have never been to counselling you should really consider it. it has and will take its toll.

I said at the beginning you cant fix mum. You can control how you react and i suggest you concentrate on that. Perhap you need to ration how often you interact with mum. if living at home, can you move out or get more space?

Perhaps you can suggest she talks to a professional about it, if she is ready. such a suggestion my not go down well, so use your good judgement. It might be better if that suggestion came from a sibling, or your father. It may be she has already rejected this idea.

witchgirl26 · 11-09-2018 09:26AM

OP - not the same situation but we lost my dad 10 years ago and my mam still brings him into conversation all the time. It's her way of keeping him alive. I know someone else in the same situation who's mother removed all pictures of her dad from the house and rarely if ever mentions him. Everyone has a different way of grieving and grief lasts a lifetime.

In terms of her making you feel inferior, that isn't good and maybe a quiet chat with her saying that you don't want to take from your brother's memory but you don't want to live in his shadow either is a good idea. I'd tread carefully though with it and go gently. Also remember that, because he died so young, he had no chance to do anything that could in anyway be interpreted as "disappointing" so of course he's going to be a golden child in that sense.

It's not easy on any of you but snapping isn't going to help. You've said yourself that you don't like when your mam does it when she gets in an argument with your dad so you can see it doesn't help. You can't change how your mam or dad are grieving but you can try to help them and by extension help yourself.

LolaJJ · 11-09-2018 09:43AM

There is no pain greater in this world than the pain for a mother who loses her baby. Especially in a freak accident - not that illness deserves less sympathy but there's less of a feeling of responsibility attached, which seems to be an issue here.

My best friend and neighbour growing up lost her brother when he was 6, he was killed in a car crash that the rest of the family survived.

I was only 9 but I remember observing and noticing how her mum's personality just changed overnight and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable in what had always been a second home to me. Our families are still close, although they eventually moved (to remove themselves from the memories) and my mum would still refer to her as "Before" and "after" the crash.

It sounds like your mum just doesn't know how to move on from this

dublingirlx · 11-09-2018 09:56AM

This is such a heartbreaking post. It seems like your mam is still consumed in unimaginable grief at the loss of her first born. Not meaning any disrespect to you being her daughter and to your other sister, but she lost her only son in extremely unfortunate circumstances. I think as well, that generation just 'got on with it' and to consider counselling was totally out of the question. Would there be anyway she would go to counselling now? It sounds to me like she is afraid to let go of the anger and hurt, as by letting that go, she is letting the memory of her son go? I actually feel heartbroken for your poor dad. He must be eaten up with guilt and grief also but trying to be the strong one. He is probably accepting the treatment from your mam because deep down he probably feels like he deserves it because he feels your brother's death is his fault. This is so so sad. I honestly don't know what to say to you being on the receiving end of this, only that it must be very hard on you and frustrating especially seeing as this happened before you were born, so in a way you are emotionally disconnected as you didn't 'know' your brother or your grandmother. I just hope you find the strength to deal with it and maybe counselling for yourself? Have you sat down with your mam & dad and explained what you have said on here? Maybe if they see the effect your mam's behaviour is having on everyone, they might be prompted into getting help to deal with the grief. She is so consumed she cannot see the effect this is having on everyone? Your mam is understandably angry and wants someone to blame but I think she needs help to find inner peace and acceptance. I wish you all the best. Take care! X

SirChenjin · 11-09-2018 10:25AM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I wonder if your mother feels, if she stops talking about your brother then he really is gone. May seem extreme so any years later, but if a child of mine died in accident, I couldn't carry on like they didn't exist and not mention them. (Not for one second suggesting you don't understand that btw). The fact that It was an accident must feel like he was so harshly snapped from her and if not for that he would still be here.

Maybe she feels like if only she'd been there he wouldn't have been denied a life and she wouldn't be denied a son.

It must be so hard for all of you and definitely counselling is the way forward. Maybe she thinks counselling equals moving on and that moving on means forgetting him? Where as it's about easing the pain.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother. Your poor parents. And I'm truly sorry for your own loss.

+1.

My heart goes out to you all.
I would think thirty years ago, counselling possibly wasn't even a consideration, and I can understand that your parents would still not be prepared to attend.

As your parents get older, this is probably preying more and more on their minds. It is probably, as Hannibal says, your mam's way of keeping his memory alive. I presume too with any accidental death, especially a small child, the 'what ifs' never go away.

You might find it useful to go to counselling and talk it all out in a non-judgmental environment. That would also help you with strategies for dealing with your parents. I feel so sorry for them. It's an unimaginable loss.

Nothing can change the past but you need to take care of yourself and your own well being.
All the best.

Ghekko · 11-09-2018 11:21AM

I've been thinking about your story since you posted. Have you ever asked your mum about your brother, what he was like, was he a good baby, did he sleep well, what he liked to eat, what differences she noticed in your sister and you in looks or personality when ye were that age - chances are your mum has never had the opportunity to talk openly about him all these years and can only get a mention in when angry. I would hate not to be able to talk about my son. We have photos of him all over the house. The kids can feel free to mention him and would have added him in family pictures they drew at school - albeit with a set of wings on him! Your mum and dad lived in an era where it wasn't talked about but it's not too late now to offer them that chance, even if you all end up in tears over it. I'm sure there are so many couples like your parents out there who just haven't been given the chance to acknowledge their children in a more positive healthy way. It's heartbreaking. I know in our area there are special rememberance services for deceased children (sometimes in church but our hospital has one every November) - could you look into that in their area?

heretothere · 11-09-2018 04:14PM

I honestly don't really know what I can say to offer any help.

It's an awful story though and it really sounds like your mother never recovered from it. It would have been the 80s and uncomfortable things just were not discussed. I don't have children but I would imagine it is the worst sort of loss.

seamus · 11-09-2018 05:05PM

As others have said here, your parents need to seek out bereavement counselling.

You need to have a really Frank and painful conversation with your mother. She's likely unaware of what she's done. No parent wants a child to feel second best.

She needs to know that you feel like you've been living your brother's shadow for 30 years. That you could never be good enough for her because you could never bring him back.
And that for you, your brother's memory isn't the that of a beautiful child who lit up your parents' lives for a tragically short period, but instead it's a toxic cloud of misery that's hung over your entire life.

It will hurt her a lot to hear this. But she need to hear it to stand any chance of getting her to get help.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2018 07:06PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I wonder if your mother feels, if she stops talking about your brother then he really is gone. May seem extreme so any years later, but if a child of mine died in accident, I couldn't carry on like they didn't exist and not mention them. (Not for one second suggesting you don't understand that btw). The fact that It was an accident must feel like he was so harshly snapped from her and if not for that he would still be here.

Maybe she feels like if only she'd been there he wouldn't have been denied a life and she wouldn't be denied a son.

It must be so hard for all of you and definitely counselling is the way forward. Maybe she thinks counselling equals moving on and that moving on means forgetting him? Where as it's about easing the pain.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother. Your poor parents. And I'm truly sorry for your own loss.

Hi Hannibal,

Thank you for your post. I never thought about it like that but I think you have hit the nail on the head, it makes so much sense. And to other poster who said she never usually gets the chance to talk about, thinking about it also that is very true. She told me before that my dad hates talking about the accident or my brother and immediately (even now) shut down any talk as quickly as he can or he will change the subject because my mam told me before, as did he, that he blames himself for what happened. So I guess she's not been able to talk about him much. Think it's hard for my dad aswell because he hates the fact that my mam openly blames his mother for what happened when she's angry.

It's funny though because generally we are a family that laughs all the time. But when my parents sometimes argue about where we live, my op generally describes what the exchange is sometimes like.

I should also mention that I actually also have a youngat brother who's close in age to me but he has a severe intellectual disability. I think this probably makes my eldest brother's loss even harder for my mother.

I've never spoken a word about it to my sister but I may. I'm glad in a way that there was such a huge age gap as I didn't grow up in a shadow really, but I suppose she did. In fact my mother said before the only reason herself and my dad carried on is because of my sister.

Thanks so much to everyone here for their input. You have made me look at this situation from a different perspective and hopefully I can put the lovely advice I've received here to good use x

LegacyUser · 12-09-2018 04:08PM

My auntie had a stillbirth about 35 years ago. I remember this happening and even as a child could see how massively it affected her. She & her husband made a big effort to remember and commemorate the baby, let's call him Joseph. Then they went on to have another child, let's call her Mary.

So my cousin Mary was getting married a couple of years back and her dad got up at the wedding and made a speech to the effect that 'we were only ever going to have 2 kids, and little Joseph died at birth. If that hadn't happened we wouldn't have had Mary at all and we wouldn't all be here at her wedding.'

Now he did this with good intentions, to honour little baby Joseph & include him etc, but my cousin was devastated. She sat there with this fixed smile on her face with everyone looking at her and then afterwards told me how she felt, which was like you that she can never measure up to this brother that never even took a breath, that he takes everything over, that his birthday date was similar to hers so all through her childhood her mother would never hold a party or do anything happy at that time because she was struggling with her own feelings, and so on.

I guess what I mean to say is, this is a couple that don't have the resentment between them or individually that your parents do, and have dealt with it in a pretty open and positive way, are open to talking about it with their kids, and still their daughter feels utterly overshadowed by her brother and struggles to cope with it. Your feelings are not unusual and they're not your fault.

I agree with posters above that counselling for yourself would be a good move. Very best of luck OP, that's a really hard situation & I hope you can come to some resolution that works for you personally.

professore · 14-09-2018 03:18PM

I have had the misfortune to go through this as a parent. Our son died just before his 10th birthday of cancer 8 years ago. It screws you up.

I was numb and couldn't talk about it. She couldn't talk about anything else. She acted way out of character for years, as I'm sure I did. Our marriage very nearly fell apart. We are out the other side now in so far that's possible.

I think your mum needs to realise she is in danger of losing another child now (i.e. you) if she doesn't get herself together.

Do you know what exactly happened your brother? If not maybe you could find out from a third party?

My wife had endless streams of people talking to her about it for years, whereas I had pretty much no-one. A very different experience - to be honest I preferred it that way as I don't think I could have handled streams of people constantly talking to me about it anyway. I found it difficult enough to handle my wife and youngest daughter constantly talking about him. In fact I couldn't handle it, nor could my older daughter.

If I thought for one second I was in any way responsible for his death I would have killed myself years ago. I don't know how your dad can live with himself - or maybe she forces him to say this in some twisted way of dealing with her pain?

Sorry I'm rambling here .... not an easy topic. Hope it gives you some insight.

Over 30 years after my brother's death, my mother constantly brings it up

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