How do I get this girl to ignore me

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 12:20AM #1

I work with a girl who is very friendly and outgoing. She always says something along the lines of “thanks so much for doing that for me”, after doing something very trivial which is usually followed by a pat on the back which quite frankly makes my blood boil. She always invites me to after work drinks and things like that. When I pass her in the corridors she always stops and asks me how I am. Somebody at work casually told me that “she’s your friend and she’s always looking out for you”.

I should be happy about that but I’m not. She is a good person. I’m not.

I really would prefer if she wasn’t nice to me. Like only spoke to me when she wanted something, and apart from that walk straight past me without acknowledging me.

Yes, I know that something is seriously wrong with me.

How do I get her to stop behaving the way she does without causing offense?

tony1kenobi · 02-09-2018 01:44AM

Why do you care about causing offence? You already know what you are. Go big or go home.

02-09-2018 01:52AM

What an absolute bitch.

Instead of getting her to ignore you maybe you should talk to a counsellor.

Rubberchikken · 02-09-2018 02:19AM

She seems like a friendly person who likes you.
When you like yourself youll see that this is a perfectly natural thing to happen.

You are a good person, but for some reason you dont think so. Maybe its time to address that issue.
Good luck

bertsmom · 02-09-2018 02:33AM

Op it's grand not to like someone. I wouldn't feel a bit bad about it. I also would hate someone patting me on the back at work. I wouldn't say anything to her about it because she isn't actually doing anything wrong by stopping to chat in the corridor however with a guy that would literally talk to the wall at work and always tries to stop me for a long and boring chat I find to just breeze on by with a cheery hello and nothing more works but key is do not break your stride or your stuck listening to crap for ten mins. I've been doing this now for ages and I find he no longer looks like he is going to get a chat out of me. There's always a willing martyr around the corner to listen to them.
A pointed look when being patted should suffice and surely she can attach herself to someone else in no time when she isn't getting anything back from you

December2012 · 02-09-2018 07:20AM

Is it because she pats you on the back? I would hate that.

If she does that again ask her to stop touching you.

woodchuck · 02-09-2018 12:05PM

Why do you want her to ignore you? She just sounds like a nice friendly person

I can see why a pat on the back might be a little annoying, but assuming she does it with everyone, I wouldn't take it personally. It certainly shouldn't make your "blood boil" though. Is there something more you're not telling us??

Verity. · 02-09-2018 12:12PM

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

She is a good person. I’m not.

I am not sure how to answer your question, certainly not without understanding the above.

Why do you think you are not a good person?

vectorvictor · 02-09-2018 12:16PM

Some people are just over familiar. She sounds like she is being really nice but sometimes that can be grinding. Is it a false type of nice or is she being genuine ?

If anybody patted me on the back, it would do my head in, like scratching a dogs belly or rubbing their head for being good. You could be direct and say please don't do that or next time she does it say you picked up a back injury or something to get her to stop without hurting her feelings.

As for the stopping you to say hi etc.., well I think that's your problem not hers so you need to choose between completely offending the girl and making things awkward or just accept her little quirks for who she is.

The more you focus on this the more it will grate on you .

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 01:33PM

December2012 wrote: »

Is it because she pats you on the back? I would hate that.

If she does that again ask her to stop touching you.

That and lightly touching my arm when we’re standing next to each other.

I suppose just subtly pulling back might work

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 01:33PM

Verity. wrote: »

I am not sure how to answer your question, certainly not without understanding the above.

Why do you think you are not a good person?

I just don’t

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 01:35PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Why do you want her to ignore you? She just sounds like a nice friendly person I can see why a pat on the back might be a little annoying, but assuming she does it with everyone, I wouldn't take it personally. It certainly shouldn't make your "blood boil" though. Is there something more you're not telling us??

She appears to be going out of her way to be nice to me and I really wish she would just be indifferent

OldMrBrennan83 · 02-09-2018 01:36PM

Tell her to stop talking to you.

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 01:37PM

vectorvictor wrote: »

Some people are just over familiar. She sounds like she is being really nice but sometimes that can be grinding. Is it a false type of nice or is she being genuine ?

If anybody patted me on the back, it would do my head in, like scratching a dogs belly or rubbing their head for being good. You could be direct and say please don't do that or next time she does it say you picked up a back injury or something to get her to stop without hurting her feelings.

As for the stopping you to say hi etc.., well I think that's your problem not hers so you need to choose between completely offending the girl and making things awkward or just accept her little quirks for who she is.

The more you focus on this the more it will grate on you .

No, definitely not a fake type of nice. I can tell that from a mile off.

Yeh, I can’t really run the risk of offending her as we have to work together so I may have to just live with it

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 01:38PM

Patww79 wrote: »

Tell her to stop talking to you.

I don’t think it’s that simple

professore · 02-09-2018 01:39PM

Try being overly nice back. Buy her flowers. Lots of girls like an aloof asshole. Just look at twilight. That's probably what's attracting her to you.

Gonad · 02-09-2018 01:43PM

Haha I know that feeling.

There is a guy in my work who always stops to talk to me . Just small talk about nothing really . It’s kind of forced talk and I wish he would just ignore me too ..

December2012 · 02-09-2018 03:38PM

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

That and lightly touching my arm when we’re standing next to each other.

I suppose just subtly pulling back might work

No, subtly pulling back won't work. You need to tell her to stop touching you. It really is inappropriate for her to do in a work setting.

Separately, how would you feel if she is flirting with you?

jen70 · 02-09-2018 03:47PM

She's is only being friendly and probably making a special effort because other people probably ignore you because of you're attitude to them. I don't see how this could be annoying you so much, it's basic human contact, perhaps you should see a counsellor because most jobs would have some of element of dealing with people on a daily basis even if it's only co-workers exchanging pleasantries

December2012 · 02-09-2018 03:52PM

jen70 wrote: »

She's is only being friendly and probably making a special effort because other people probably ignore you because of you're attitude to them. I don't see how this could be annoying you so much, it's basic human contact, perhaps you should see a counsellor because most jobs would have some of element of dealing with people on a daily basis even if it's only co-workers exchanging pleasantries

I think thats unfair to the OP. He feels uncomfortable with this person, some of what she is doing is probably okay, but it is not okay to touch somebody without their permission or consent. That is not part of work.

dr.fuzzenstein · 02-09-2018 04:14PM

Isn't it absolutely terrible when people are nice?
Should be a law against it.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-09-2018 04:48PM

professore, seriously? You are likening adult women with a fictious teen drama? You have been asked more than enough now to stop with the ridiculous generalisations. Next one in PI will result in a ban.

woodchuck · 02-09-2018 05:50PM

Gonad wrote: »

There is a guy in my work who always stops to talk to me . Just small talk about nothing really . It’s kind of forced talk and I wish he would just ignore me too ..

Ok, so obviously the issues isn't just the girl. Do you have an issue with anyone being nice to you? Why is that?

professore · 02-09-2018 06:52PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

professore, seriously? You are likening adult women with a fictious teen drama? You have been asked more than enough now to stop with the ridiculous generalisations. Next one in PI will result in a ban.

I'm sorry - I thought this was an AH thread. I was trying to be funny. I notice now it wasn't. I don't have anything constructive to offer as I'm a very different personality type from the OP.

ConnyMcDavid · 02-09-2018 08:31PM

The OP is entitled to feeling uncomfortable due to his colleagues behaviour. I don't know why people are on his back because of it.

And it's not just being friendly. It seems to be overbearing and a bit much if it's upsetting people.

How are you reacting to her when she is like that? If she is carrying on like that and you are blanking her and she still persists you need to tell her straight.
I don't know if you are putting on fake smile or laughing at it but you may wish to cut that out.

Or you could put a complaint about harassment as a last resort.

02-09-2018 08:39PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Ok, so obviously the issues isn't just the girl. Do you have an issue with anyone being nice to you? Why is that?

That's not the op. It's just someone with a similar issue sympathising.

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 08:50PM

ConnyMcDavid wrote: »

The OP is entitled to feeling uncomfortable due to his colleagues behaviour. I don't know why people are on his back because of it.

And it's not just being friendly. It seems to be overbearing and a bit much if it's upsetting people.

How are you reacting to her when she is like that? If she is carrying on like that and you are blanking her and she still persists you need to tell her straight.
I don't know if you are putting on fake smile or laughing at it but you may wish to cut that out.

Or you could put a complaint about harassment as a last resort.

I definitely won’t be putting in a complaint. I wouldn’t do that to her

woodchuck · 02-09-2018 10:09PM

Deleted User wrote: »

That's not the op. It's just someone with a similar issue sympathising.

Ah, sorry, thanks for clarifying

I'm still wondering why the OP is so put out by a little kindness though. All this talk of harassment is ridiculous, it's just a pat on the back ffs! And to be honest I'm picturing a brief brush of the hand on the back as opposed to an actual pat if you get me. I.e. pretty normal human contact.

I think there is more to the OPs comment about her being a good person and the OP not being a good person. OP is this a self esteem issue? Do you feel undeserving of the positive attention or something?

Mailcoachinn · 02-09-2018 10:42PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Ah, sorry, thanks for clarifying

I'm still wondering why the OP is so put out by a little kindness though. All this talk of harassment is ridiculous, it's just a pat on the back ffs! And to be honest I'm picturing a brief brush of the hand on the back as opposed to an actual pat if you get me. I.e. pretty normal human contact.

I think there is more to the OPs comment about her being a good person and the OP not being a good person. OP is this a self esteem issue? Do you feel undeserving of the positive attention or something?

I have fairly low self esteem. As in somebody might try to make small talk in a pub and I just walk away.

I have told a couple of people, mainly girls, not to speak to me anymore, but told them that I wasn’t fighting with them.

I’m going to give the person that I was referring to a chance. I now realize, on reflection, that she would never treat me badly or use me for her own personal gain.

I will try to be friendly in return. I’m not sure if I can actually manage it but I’ll do my best.

This isn’t going to be easy for me

dartboardio · 02-09-2018 11:08PM

You’re very uncomfortable with yourself, once you’re not, the coversation will flow and you’ll be happy for her to carry on

vectorvictor · 02-09-2018 11:33PM

I think, with the information you've added, that this person is going out of their way to include you.

You sound like you might be "the kid left playing on their own in the playground" and that she notices this and that you would be too awkward to do anything about it without a bit of intervention.

Nothing wrong with that , as long as you are comfortable and happy with who you are and how you project yourself.

However, your self depreciating statements suggest you may not be and I'd echo the advice you have been given about counselling. Basic human interaction is a pretty vital life skill.

Either way she sounds like a lovely person to have on your side.

How do I get this girl to ignore me

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