How do I get this girl to ignore me

Mailcoachinn

I work with a girl who is very friendly and outgoing. She always says something along the lines of “thanks so much for doing that for me”, after doing something very trivial which is usually followed by a pat on the back which quite frankly makes my blood boil. She always invites me to after work drinks and things like that. When I pass her in the corridors she always stops and asks me how I am. Somebody at work casually told me that “she’s your friend and she’s always looking out for you”.

I should be happy about that but I’m not. She is a good person. I’m not.

I really would prefer if she wasn’t nice to me. Like only spoke to me when she wanted something, and apart from that walk straight past me without acknowledging me.

Yes, I know that something is seriously wrong with me.

How do I get her to stop behaving the way she does without causing offense?

tony1kenobi

Why do you care about causing offence? You already know what you are. Go big or go home.

368100

What an absolute bitch.

Instead of getting her to ignore you maybe you should talk to a counsellor.

Rubberchikken

She seems like a friendly person who likes you.
When you like yourself youll see that this is a perfectly natural thing to happen.

You are a good person, but for some reason you dont think so. Maybe its time to address that issue.
Good luck

bertsmom

Op it's grand not to like someone. I wouldn't feel a bit bad about it. I also would hate someone patting me on the back at work. I wouldn't say anything to her about it because she isn't actually doing anything wrong by stopping to chat in the corridor however with a guy that would literally talk to the wall at work and always tries to stop me for a long and boring chat I find to just breeze on by with a cheery hello and nothing more works but key is do not break your stride or your stuck listening to crap for ten mins. I've been doing this now for ages and I find he no longer looks like he is going to get a chat out of me. There's always a willing martyr around the corner to listen to them.
A pointed look when being patted should suffice and surely she can attach herself to someone else in no time when she isn't getting anything back from you

December2012

Is it because she pats you on the back? I would hate that.

If she does that again ask her to stop touching you.

woodchuck

Why do you want her to ignore you? She just sounds like a nice friendly person I can see why a pat on the back might be a little annoying, but assuming she does it with everyone, I wouldn't take it personally. It certainly shouldn't make your "blood boil" though. Is there something more you're not telling us??

Verity.

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

She is a good person. I’m not.

I am not sure how to answer your question, certainly not without understanding the above.

Why do you think you are not a good person?

vectorvictor

Some people are just over familiar. She sounds like she is being really nice but sometimes that can be grinding. Is it a false type of nice or is she being genuine ?

If anybody patted me on the back, it would do my head in, like scratching a dogs belly or rubbing their head for being good. You could be direct and say please don't do that or next time she does it say you picked up a back injury or something to get her to stop without hurting her feelings.

As for the stopping you to say hi etc.., well I think that's your problem not hers so you need to choose between completely offending the girl and making things awkward or just accept her little quirks for who she is.

The more you focus on this the more it will grate on you .

Mailcoachinn

December2012 wrote: »

Is it because she pats you on the back? I would hate that.

If she does that again ask her to stop touching you.

That and lightly touching my arm when we’re standing next to each other.

I suppose just subtly pulling back might work

Mailcoachinn

Verity. wrote: »

I am not sure how to answer your question, certainly not without understanding the above.

Why do you think you are not a good person?

I just don’t

Mailcoachinn

woodchuck wrote: »

Why do you want her to ignore you? She just sounds like a nice friendly person I can see why a pat on the back might be a little annoying, but assuming she does it with everyone, I wouldn't take it personally. It certainly shouldn't make your "blood boil" though. Is there something more you're not telling us??

She appears to be going out of her way to be nice to me and I really wish she would just be indifferent

OldMrBrennan83

Tell her to stop talking to you.

Mailcoachinn

vectorvictor wrote: »

Some people are just over familiar. She sounds like she is being really nice but sometimes that can be grinding. Is it a false type of nice or is she being genuine ?

If anybody patted me on the back, it would do my head in, like scratching a dogs belly or rubbing their head for being good. You could be direct and say please don't do that or next time she does it say you picked up a back injury or something to get her to stop without hurting her feelings.

As for the stopping you to say hi etc.., well I think that's your problem not hers so you need to choose between completely offending the girl and making things awkward or just accept her little quirks for who she is.

The more you focus on this the more it will grate on you .

No, definitely not a fake type of nice. I can tell that from a mile off.

Yeh, I can’t really run the risk of offending her as we have to work together so I may have to just live with it

Mailcoachinn

Patww79 wrote: »

Tell her to stop talking to you.

I don’t think it’s that simple

professore

Try being overly nice back. Buy her flowers. Lots of girls like an aloof asshole. Just look at twilight. That's probably what's attracting her to you.

Gonad

Haha I know that feeling.

There is a guy in my work who always stops to talk to me . Just small talk about nothing really . It’s kind of forced talk and I wish he would just ignore me too ..

December2012

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

That and lightly touching my arm when we’re standing next to each other.

I suppose just subtly pulling back might work

No, subtly pulling back won't work. You need to tell her to stop touching you. It really is inappropriate for her to do in a work setting.

Separately, how would you feel if she is flirting with you?

jen70

She's is only being friendly and probably making a special effort because other people probably ignore you because of you're attitude to them. I don't see how this could be annoying you so much, it's basic human contact, perhaps you should see a counsellor because most jobs would have some of element of dealing with people on a daily basis even if it's only co-workers exchanging pleasantries

December2012

jen70 wrote: »

She's is only being friendly and probably making a special effort because other people probably ignore you because of you're attitude to them. I don't see how this could be annoying you so much, it's basic human contact, perhaps you should see a counsellor because most jobs would have some of element of dealing with people on a daily basis even if it's only co-workers exchanging pleasantries

I think thats unfair to the OP. He feels uncomfortable with this person, some of what she is doing is probably okay, but it is not okay to touch somebody without their permission or consent. That is not part of work.

dr.fuzzenstein

Isn't it absolutely terrible when people are nice?
Should be a law against it.

Big Bag of Chips

professore, seriously? You are likening adult women with a fictious teen drama? You have been asked more than enough now to stop with the ridiculous generalisations. Next one in PI will result in a ban.

woodchuck

Gonad wrote: »

There is a guy in my work who always stops to talk to me . Just small talk about nothing really . It’s kind of forced talk and I wish he would just ignore me too ..

Ok, so obviously the issues isn't just the girl. Do you have an issue with anyone being nice to you? Why is that?

professore

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

professore, seriously? You are likening adult women with a fictious teen drama? You have been asked more than enough now to stop with the ridiculous generalisations. Next one in PI will result in a ban.

I'm sorry - I thought this was an AH thread. I was trying to be funny. I notice now it wasn't. I don't have anything constructive to offer as I'm a very different personality type from the OP.

ConnyMcDavid

The OP is entitled to feeling uncomfortable due to his colleagues behaviour. I don't know why people are on his back because of it.

And it's not just being friendly. It seems to be overbearing and a bit much if it's upsetting people.

How are you reacting to her when she is like that? If she is carrying on like that and you are blanking her and she still persists you need to tell her straight.
I don't know if you are putting on fake smile or laughing at it but you may wish to cut that out.

Or you could put a complaint about harassment as a last resort.

woodchuck

woodchuck wrote: »

Ok, so obviously the issues isn't just the girl. Do you have an issue with anyone being nice to you? Why is that?

That's not the op. It's just someone with a similar issue sympathising.

Mailcoachinn

ConnyMcDavid wrote: »

The OP is entitled to feeling uncomfortable due to his colleagues behaviour. I don't know why people are on his back because of it.

And it's not just being friendly. It seems to be overbearing and a bit much if it's upsetting people.

How are you reacting to her when she is like that? If she is carrying on like that and you are blanking her and she still persists you need to tell her straight.
I don't know if you are putting on fake smile or laughing at it but you may wish to cut that out.

Or you could put a complaint about harassment as a last resort.

I definitely won’t be putting in a complaint. I wouldn’t do that to her

woodchuck

Deleted User wrote: »

That's not the op. It's just someone with a similar issue sympathising.

Ah, sorry, thanks for clarifying

I'm still wondering why the OP is so put out by a little kindness though. All this talk of harassment is ridiculous, it's just a pat on the back ffs! And to be honest I'm picturing a brief brush of the hand on the back as opposed to an actual pat if you get me. I.e. pretty normal human contact.

I think there is more to the OPs comment about her being a good person and the OP not being a good person. OP is this a self esteem issue? Do you feel undeserving of the positive attention or something?

Mailcoachinn

woodchuck wrote: »

Ah, sorry, thanks for clarifying

I'm still wondering why the OP is so put out by a little kindness though. All this talk of harassment is ridiculous, it's just a pat on the back ffs! And to be honest I'm picturing a brief brush of the hand on the back as opposed to an actual pat if you get me. I.e. pretty normal human contact.

I think there is more to the OPs comment about her being a good person and the OP not being a good person. OP is this a self esteem issue? Do you feel undeserving of the positive attention or something?

I have fairly low self esteem. As in somebody might try to make small talk in a pub and I just walk away.

I have told a couple of people, mainly girls, not to speak to me anymore, but told them that I wasn’t fighting with them.

I’m going to give the person that I was referring to a chance. I now realize, on reflection, that she would never treat me badly or use me for her own personal gain.

I will try to be friendly in return. I’m not sure if I can actually manage it but I’ll do my best.

This isn’t going to be easy for me

dartboardio

You’re very uncomfortable with yourself, once you’re not, the coversation will flow and you’ll be happy for her to carry on

vectorvictor

I think, with the information you've added, that this person is going out of their way to include you.

You sound like you might be "the kid left playing on their own in the playground" and that she notices this and that you would be too awkward to do anything about it without a bit of intervention.

Nothing wrong with that , as long as you are comfortable and happy with who you are and how you project yourself.

However, your self depreciating statements suggest you may not be and I'd echo the advice you have been given about counselling. Basic human interaction is a pretty vital life skill.

Either way she sounds like a lovely person to have on your side.

ManOfMystery

OP, I think a little perspective is called for here.

Asides from the pat on the back - which I admit I would also find a bit condescending and too touchy-feely - she's done nothing other than be polite, try and include you, and try and act as a friendly colleague should. I don't find any of her behaviour overbearing at all.

Now try and imagine yourself in the position of many people who have posted here in PI with work colleagues who exist at the other end of the spectrum; backstabbing, rude, obnoxious, manipulative, deceitful, and worse. There have been many people who have found themselves stressed, unable to sleep, even suicidal because of extremely negative issues at work. 

I'm not saying for one minute that from your viewpoint, your issue is any less valid. What I am saying is that I find your reaction to their behaviour slightly skewered and lacking perspective, and it may benefit you greatly to talk to a counsellor and find out why seemingly normal, mundane and friendly work interaction provokes a feeling of anger. I dread to think how a more extreme scenario - as per examples above - would play out for you.

Plopsu

OP, do you have issues generally with being touched? If so, you could explain that to her. She sounds like she would understand.
Also, have you ever been tested for Aspergers?

Emme

OP some people aren't comfortable when other people are touchy feely. I am like that. People usually sense that and keep their distance. If not I say politely "I'd rather you didn't pat my back/touch my arm/hug me so tight etc."

If you don't want to accept her invitations politely refuse. Say you're not into whatever it is she asks you to join. You can't make her ignore you but you can politely tell her to back off. Or just give short but polite answers when she asks how you are. Overtly "nice" chatty people drive me mad because often they're quite needy underneath it all. Genuine people don't need to slobber over everyone like a labrador puppy.

You say you're not a nice person. That's fine but it doesn't mean you have to be rude. Even the devil can be a perfect gentleman when he wants!

Mailcoachinn

Plopsu wrote: »

OP, do you have issues generally with being touched? If so, you could explain that to her. She sounds like she would understand.
Also, have you ever been tested for Aspergers?

Sometimes I have issues with being touched. Read the other thread about where a drunk girl groped me and I fckued her out of it.

I could well be somewhere on the autistic spectrum

Mailcoachinn

Emme wrote: »

OP some people aren't comfortable when other people are touchy feely. I am like that. People usually sense that and keep their distance. If not I say politely "I'd rather you didn't pat my back/touch my arm/hug me so tight etc."

If you don't want to accept her invitations politely refuse. Say you're not into whatever it is she asks you to join. You can't make her ignore you but you can politely tell her to back off. Or just give short but polite answers when she asks how you are. Overtly "nice" chatty people drive me mad because often they're quite needy underneath it all. Genuine people don't need to slobber over everyone like a labrador puppy.

You say you're not a nice person. That's fine but it doesn't mean you have to be rude. Even the devil can be a perfect gentleman when he wants!

As I said, I have decided that I will give her a chance and just let her be nice

December2012

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

Sometimes I have issues with being touched. Read the other thread about where a drunk girl groped me and I fckued her out of it.

I could well be somewhere on the autistic spectrum

If you want to speak to a Dr about being on the spectrum you should, but please don't think there is anything wrong with getting very annoyed or pissed off at being groped.

Mailcoachinn

December2012 wrote: »

If you want to speak to a Dr about being on the spectrum you should, but please don't think there is anything wrong with getting very annoyed or pissed off at being groped.

To be honest I don’t see how speaking to a doctor will make much of a difference, unless said doctor also has a degree in psychology. I might ask my sister who is well qualified in the field of the latter.

Yeh that girl who groped me was a stupid fool. People looked at me odd because of how I reacted but she found another victim almost immediately.

Anyway, the co worker that I was referring to originally isn’t that type of individual.

Like I said she’s a good person. I could never imagine being mean nasty to her (even though I have done something similar before to other people). I don’t know if I would still prefer if she treated me like an irrelevance, but for now I’m going to just try and get along with her

Malayalam

You don't need to see a doctor if you don't like being touched by relative strangers. Or even if you are a bit autistic, who cares, loads of people are somewhere along the spectrum and are perfectly fine without it being made into an issue.

There are also many people who hate random touching in the work place. Or fecking anywhere for that matter. Bus, supermarket, bank - keep yer feckn mitts to yourself, people! There is a guy at my husbands workplace who always puts his hand on the small of people's back when he is passing them, or to announce his presence, and my husband says he is going to deck him one of these days. Others say the same.

I don't know exactly what I would do in that situation. I wouldn't like it either if that's any help. I'd probably on purpose react quite oddly or unexpectedly to put her off, say something strange, or ..yeah, just let your weird out a bit more, so they back off Don't be afraid to quietly but determinedly be yourself.

Paddy Cow

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

Anyway, the co worker that I was referring to originally isn’t that type of individual.

Like I said she’s a good person. I could never imagine being mean nasty to her (even though I have done something similar before to other people). I don’t know if I would still prefer if she treated me like an irrelevance, but for now I’m going to just try and get along with her

"Good" and "nice" people can still be a pain in the hole. It sounds like she has noticed that you keep to yourself and she is going out of her way to include you. That comes across great on paper but if someone is an introvert, it is a nightmare. You don't like to be touched or to be super social. That does not make you a bad person. Not everyone wants to be BFF's with work colleagues and there is nothing wrong with that. If your colleague was perceptive, she would pick up on your boundaries and respect them. She hasn't though. She is trying to "fix" you by being overly attentive, which personally I would find overbearing and claustrophobic.

sporina

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

To be honest I don’t see how speaking to a doctor will make much of a difference, unless said doctor also has a degree in psychology. I might ask my sister who is well qualified in the field of the latter.

Yeh that girl who groped me was a stupid fool. People looked at me odd because of how I reacted but she found another victim almost immediately.

Anyway, the co worker that I was referring to originally isn’t that type of individual.

Like I said she’s a good person. I could never imagine being mean nasty to her (even though I have done something similar before to other people). I don’t know if I would still prefer if she treated me like an irrelevance, but for now I’m going to just try and get along with her

you cannot be mean to her no matter what - this is your issue - not hers.. she possibly senses how you feel about yourself and is trying to make you feel better... have you considered therapy? i assume that something has happened in your life for you to feel this way

Mailcoachinn

sporina wrote: »

you cannot be mean to her no matter what - this is your issue - not hers.. she possibly senses how you feel about yourself and is trying to make you feel better... have you considered therapy? i assume that something has happened in your life for you to feel this way

There is no way that I could ever be mean to her. I’m going to try and be her friend back

seannash

Ah here, some of the advice her is very over the top.
I'm a great guy, no seriously I am. I'm funny, people like me, want to hang out with me and I'm confident in social situations.
Then I go to work.... And everyone is nice. It doesn't mean that I like interacting with them though. If I met them once or twice id say "that person is a very nice person" but I do not want to talk to this person everyday.
I hate small talk! Hate talking for the sake of it.
So i do what every normal person does, avoid getting in lifts with them, sit fumbling in my car in the company car park until they walk on, don't go to the kitchen in work when they are there and as someone else suggested I keep walking and talking, always friendly but always somewhere to go that doesn't involve me stopping to chat to them.

If I spy these people coming to my desk out of the corner of my eye I grab my mug of tea and get up, converse with them as I move towards the kitchen. If they follow I switch the kettle on and go to the toilet.

This is normal! The touching is a little OTT. Nobody I work with is touchy so I think you have a case for saying please don't touch me.
But everything else is totally normal. A lot of people I work With are exactly the same.
Now to answer your question on how to make it stop, it won't, so just avoid it, keep moving, look busy if they approach and accept that you may get caught every now and then.

orthsquel

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

As I said, I have decided that I will give her a chance and just let her be nice

Paddy Cow wrote: »

If your colleague was perceptive, she would pick up on your boundaries and respect them. She hasn't though. She is trying to "fix" you by being overly attentive, which personally I would find overbearing and claustrophobic.

If you want to give her a chance and just let her be nice, sure, but if she touches you e.g. your elbow, shoulder etc and you are uncomfortable with that tell her directly there and then in a calm manner.

I'd agree with all of what Paddy Cow says, especially the bit about respecting the boundaries. I generally chat to everyone at work, friendly with majority, some more than others, but when someone doesn't want to engage it's obvious to pick up on and best to leave them be until they choose to engage themselves. Even if that never happens, that's perfectly fine, but it shouldn't turn into some sort of conquest your colleague has to include you if you are choosing not to and she starts forcing that on you. She has to respect that boundary. Hopefully she does, and certainly you can still let her be nice, but not leaving you feeling discomfort.

Mailcoachinn

The person who I was talking about. I’m not going to be downright harsh to her. I have decided that I’m going to be friends with her.

As for other girls in the same workplace:

One of the student engineers took a liking to me. She described me as “very unthreatening”. She helped me from pub to taxi when I was very drunk. We still talk all the time.

Another girl tried to be friendly with me. But she was a very fake person. She didn’t really like traveling in a Ford Escort driven by someone who drives like a d1ck and spits on the floor of a pub, and who goes on holiday in Mountrath, Holyhead & Kilburn. I was going out of my way to be as unappealing to her as I could

BrokenArrows

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

I work with a girl who is very friendly and outgoing. She always says something along the lines of “thanks so much for doing that for me”, after doing something very trivial which is usually followed by a pat on the back which quite frankly makes my blood boil. She always invites me to after work drinks and things like that. When I pass her in the corridors she always stops and asks me how I am. Somebody at work casually told me that “she’s your friend and she’s always looking out for you”.

I should be happy about that but I’m not. She is a good person. I’m not.

I really would prefer if she wasn’t nice to me. Like only spoke to me when she wanted something, and apart from that walk straight past me without acknowledging me.

Yes, I know that something is seriously wrong with me.

How do I get her to stop behaving the way she does without causing offense?

I know exactly how you feel.
Had a guy at work who was nothing but nice but for some reason everything he did pissed me off no end for explainable reasons.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do unless you really want to do what the other poster said and "go big or go home".

blairbear

Mailcoachinn wrote: »

The person who I was talking about. I’m not going to be downright harsh to her. I have decided that I’m going to be friends with her.

As for other girls in the same workplace:

One of the student engineers took a liking to me. She described me as “very unthreatening”. She helped me from pub to taxi when I was very drunk. We still talk all the time.

Another girl tried to be friendly with me. But she was a very fake person. She didn’t really like traveling in a Ford Escort driven by someone who drives like a d1ck and spits on the floor of a pub, and who goes on holiday in Mountrath, Holyhead & Kilburn. I was going out of my way to be as unappealing to her as I could

Who WOULD like someone who "drives like a d**k" and spits inside, like an animal? That isn't her being fake; she took a disliking to a subsequently unpleasant person.

OP, I couldn't even begin to unpack all of your issues. You seem to have a lot of barely concealed aggressive thoughts towards woman. You need psychiatric help. Nobody here should be normalizing this.

Mailcoachinn

blairbear wrote: »

Who WOULD like someone who "drives like a d**k" and spits inside, like an animal? That isn't her being fake; she took a disliking to a subsequently unpleasant person.

OP, I couldn't even begin to unpack all of your issues. You seem to have a lot of barely concealed aggressive thoughts towards woman. You need psychiatric help. Nobody here should be normalizing this.

I behaved like a twat to deter someone whose fake personality stuck out my a mile. It worked. Result.

The other person and me get along very well.

Mailcoachinn

BrokenArrows wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel.
Had a guy at work who was nothing but nice but for some reason everything he did pissed me off no end for explainable reasons.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do unless you really want to do what the other poster said and "go big or go home".

I was working with her for most of yesterday and today. She was being her usual self. Very friendly. Always saying thanks for pretty basic stuff. Didn’t really feel that uncomfortable, just slightly odd. This may be something that I will get used to after a while

Paddy Cow

blairbear wrote: »

Who WOULD like someone who "drives like a d**k" and spits inside, like an animal? That isn't her being fake; she took a disliking to a subsequently unpleasant person.

OP, I couldn't even begin to unpack all of your issues. You seem to have a lot of barely concealed aggressive thoughts towards woman. You need psychiatric help. Nobody here should be normalizing this.

That seems unnecessarily harsh. The op admitted he behaved like a d!ck to get this individual to back off. He doesn't behave like that to every woman and I haven't got an aggressive vibe from his posts He posted about being uncomfortable about one woman at work being overly friendly but has said numerous times that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt her.

Acting like an a$$hole once, doesn't make someone an aggressive psycho who needs psychiatric help. If the op really was a danger to women, he wouldn't be here looking for advice on how to get his nice co-worker to back off. He would just behave like a d!ck towards her.

There is a split here on the advice towards the op - some think she is just nice and he should be happy he has nice co-workers, others think she should respect his boundaries and accept he is a quiet person. No one on either side has thought the op has aggressive thoughts towards women. That is a serious thing to throw at someone. Completely uncalled for.

blairbear

Paddy Cow wrote: »

That seems unnecessarily harsh. The op admitted he behaved like a d!ck to get this individual to back off. He doesn't behave like that to every woman and I haven't got an aggressive vibe from his posts He posted about being uncomfortable about one woman at work being overly friendly but has said numerous times that he doesn't want to do anything to hurt her.

Acting like an a$$hole once, doesn't make someone an aggressive psycho who needs psychiatric help. If the op really was a danger to women, he wouldn't be here looking for advice on how to get his nice co-worker to back off. He would just behave like a d!ck towards her.

There is a split here on the advice towards the op - some think she is just nice and he should be happy he has nice co-workers, others think she should respect his boundaries and accept he is a quiet person. No one on either side has thought the op has aggressive thoughts towards women. That is a serious thing to throw at someone. Completely uncalled for.

I am not obliged to agree with either side. His anger at basic niceties reads as aggressive to me. Actions are who you are as a person; "acting like a d**k" doesn't mean you are a secretly lovely person who is nasty to someone as part of a harebrained idea to deter them from being pleasant.

Like I said, the OPs posts indicate anger simmering beneath the surface to me and that seems aggressive. I did not say that he had violent thoughts. The OP is very harsh in his assessment of others who like to show him interest so he is surely well able for a similar character analysis.