Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Grandmother showing low interest in newborn

  • 04-08-2018 05:14AM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭


    I live abroad and we had a baby boy 6 weeks ago.
    We also moved into the house we bought 5 weeks ago.
    I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of paternity leave so I'm still off work.
    Our son has also been placid enough so far.

    My parents have come over to visit for 10 days.
    They've been here now about a week.

    My parents don't travel much, indeed this is the first time they've used their passports since the last time they visited me 11 years ago. I go home a few times a year.

    My Dad has been a great help at doing handyman jobs around the house and generally proactively finding stuff for himself to do. He likes that kind of stuff and has chosen to do that over some touristy activities. Completely up to him what he wants to do. I haven't been giving him any orders, he just tells me about tasks he wants to work on.

    I guess I had expectations around how much my Mom would be helping out. She minds her other grandchild at home 3 days a week and seems to like doing it. I thought she would either be very hands on in terms of help with the baby or cook a few times while here (say 2 to 3 times over 10 days)

    Instead it's been like having guests in that respect. We've done all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping for the most part. The extent to which my mother is helping with the baby is holding him when asked or giving him an odd bottle when asked. She hasn't changed a nappy, proactively looked after him for an extended period of time or done any of his laundry.

    Indeed on top of that, she's been treating the visit as a conventional type holiday. She's asking me most days to drive her to certain attractions, to the subway station to go into town, to collect her from the station etc. There's not much of a "I just want to stay and spend time with my grandson who I'll only see about 4 weeks a year"

    She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected. Is she feeling out of place in a different house? In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping. Maybe she's expecting the same of us. It's like she hasn't accounted for the fact we have a 6 week old newborn to take care of.


«134

Comments

  • Posts: 19,178 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    You say she has little interest in the baby then complain that she isn't doing his laundry or changing his nappy.
    She is his grandmother not his child minder. I understand she minds some other grandchildren, but maybe she is sick of that?
    Also, maybe she is being careful not to get in the way of both of you being with your son? She was a young mother once herself, she has other grandchildren, she knows how interfering grandmothers can be a pain in the ass.
    That are your parents, they are on holidays, maybe your dad likes to do things around the house, but it is a holiday.
    Unless of course you had some agreement that they were coming to do work, in that case disregard what I said.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭Plague Maiden


    Maybe she just wants a holiday. She's minding a child 3 days a week at a time in her life where she may have expected to be past that sort of thing. Cut her some slack.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I can relate. We were so disappointed at what we perceived as a lack of interest from my mother in law towards our baby. Similar to your situation, my MIL lives near 3 of her grandchildren, sees them every day, minds regularly etc.

    I was initially confused and then gradually resentful about the lack of effort /interest shown in our baby. It occupied my thoughts a fair bit. I wanted to understand why but couldnt bring myself to ask either as I felt I might not get a honest answer.

    Then one day I found it more helpful for me to just let it go. Focus on my baby. I also found it helpful to give my MIL the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is getting older and doesn't have the energy etc. I won't lie, I still am a bit hurt and sad over it as feel my baby may miss out on grandparent relationship but I'll stay open to a positive outcome & make the most of whatever relationship is there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭vetinari


    I'm sorry but to me it would be incredibly rude to visit and stay with someone in holiday mode when they have a really young baby.
    We have enough to be doing looking after the baby without also looking after two guests.

    I'm up at 2AM giving the baby a late night bottle feed, then dropping my mother to the subway station 15 minutes away the next morning so she can go into downtown. She doesn't drive while here, doesn't use taxis, doesn't sort out her own meals. I collect her from the station, my wife and I figure out what we're doing for dinner. If it's out somewhere, we pick a restaurant she likes, if it's in the house, we cook.

    Doing this with a newborn was not what I signed up for when they said they were coming to visit.
    You say she has little interest in the baby then complain that she isn't doing his laundry or changing his nappy.

    Is it so nuts to expect your mother who is staying with you to change a couple of nappies over 10 days? Say 5 nappies over 10 days? I think it's quite normal to assume that your parents are going to be a help with a baby if they visit when the kid is really young.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,766 ✭✭✭RossieMan


    Jesus.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,969 ✭✭✭✭alchemist33


    vetinari wrote: »

    Is it so nuts to expect your mother who is staying with you to change a couple of nappies over 10 days?

    Expect, yes. It might be different if you were at work and your partner was struggling on her own. But with both of you there I'd see Granny's role as going ooh and aah over the baby. Now, maybe she isn't doing that and there's some reason she isn't emotionally engaged with junior, but after travelling all that way I wouldn't see her role as childminding.

    This is just from my experience though. Maybe roles have been different in your family over the years.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,748 ✭✭✭Avatar MIA


    Well, she did an amazing job rearing you.

    She's on holiday. You expected her to be a help, which is somewhat understandable as WE ALL take our parents for granted.

    As you say in her own home she's a dynamo and deserves a break.

    One thing that does come to mind is that she may be reluctant to bond too much because she knows she's not going to see much of her grandchild. A defence mechanism.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,920 ✭✭✭freedominacup


    She's in her daughter in laws house. Of course she's circumspect about being proactive. You will find endless threads on overbearing mother in laws "taking over", trying to impose their own childrearing techniques, not understanding how "we want to....." etc. You might get a different response if you asked for help. Maybe you have and she has just ignored the requests, as above if you have asked and she's refusing ignore my post.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,639 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    Sounds like you thought you'd be getting a holiday when she came over and thought she'd be doing all the cooking and baby minding and that you'd have a great break. That's pretty unfair. And your baby is 6 weeks old, there is no 'getting to you know you' involved, all they do is sleep and eat. Your mother already does more than enough child minding, she hardly wants to do more when she's on holiday, who would. That's your baby, you can't expect anyone else to look after it. Giving them the odd bottle is literally all you can expect from someone else.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,043 ✭✭✭vetinari


    There's a long way from overbearing to where my mother is at.
    My wife said to me a few days ago that my mother seemed like she did not want to spend too much time with the baby.

    There are also plenty of small tasks that are not controversial. For instance, we cooked for them this evening.
    The plates and stuff go in the dishwasher. There's still some pots that haven't been cleaned. I'll probably do those in the morning. I don't think anyone is going to call you overbearing if you cleaned those pots.
    She's on holiday. You expected her to be a help, which is somewhat understandable as WE ALL take our parents for granted.
    Please don't visit anyone who has a newborn baby. They'll probably murder you.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,188 ✭✭✭Malayalam


    They are probably not going to be there very much longer so I guess it's just grin and bear it for the few days, and try not to take out your exhaustion on them. Don't say anything that would cause a rift in the family, just be super patient even though it's not what you expected. She may be going through some health issue or emotional stuff, she may be nervous holding newborns (I know I am even though I was completely at ease with my own), she may simply not want to interfere with her daughter in law at that just born stage. She may be feeling grumpy or travel fatigued, whatever she is feeling just try to detach completely from your judgement of it all and ride out the few days left in their trip.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Glass fused light


    vetinari wrote: »
    I live abroad and we had a baby boy 6 weeks ago.
    We also moved into the house we bought 5 weeks ago.
    I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of paternity leave so I'm still off work.
    Our son has also been placid enough so far.

    Congrats on the new baby and the new house.
    vetinari wrote: »
    My Dad has been a great help at doing handyman jobs around the house and generally proactively finding stuff for himself to do. He likes that kind of stuff and has chosen to do that over some touristy activities. Completely up to him what he wants to do. I haven't been giving him any orders, he just tells me about tasks he wants to work on.

    Your dad is doing what he wants and not changing nappies or doing laundry either?
    vetinari wrote: »
    I guess I had expectations around how much my Mom would be helping out. She minds her other grandchild at home 3 days a week and seems to like doing it. I thought she would either be very hands on in terms of help with the baby or cook a few times while here (say 2 to 3 times over 10 days)

    Dont start down the road of making comparisons on the relationships and interactions that your mother has with the grandchildren that live near her, to start down that road will just lead to heartbreak and resentment. You will have to reconcile that your relationship will develop very differently. The way it develops will depend largely on how you want it to develop and how you will handle impact of the geographical distance.
    vetinari wrote: »
    Instead it's been like having guests in that respect. We've done all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping for the most part. The extent to which my mother is helping with the baby is holding him when asked or giving him an odd bottle when asked. She hasn't changed a nappy, proactively looked after him for an extended period of time or done any of his laundry.
    She is a guest and from your last paragraph has reared you to treat a guest in a certain way. She is in her daughter-in-laws house and holding her daughter-in-laws new baby not grabbing the baby and telling her how to manage and do things the "right" way but helping when asked. Could be that she has learned not to do anything unless asked directly.
    vetinari wrote: »
    Indeed on top of that, she's been treating the visit as a conventional type holiday. She's asking me most days to drive her to certain attractions, to the subway station to go into town, to collect her from the station etc. There's not much of a "I just want to stay and spend time with my grandson who I'll only see about 4 weeks a year"
    No disrespect but they are little sleeping and sh1thing machines at that age and while great to cuddle, they are not very interactive. She is doing what she wants to do and getting out of the house so you and your partner don't have to entertain her but can get on with establishing a routine or even go for a nap when the baby is down.
    vetinari wrote: »
    She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected. Is she feeling out of place in a different house? In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping. Maybe she's expecting the same of us. It's like she hasn't accounted for the fact we have a 6 week old newborn to take care of.
    could be she sees it as your house your rules, you can always ask her if she would mind doing some cooking but IMO unless she volunteers the laundry and grocery shopping is your department.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 154 ✭✭kastasia


    Is there any reason why they haven't visited in all that time? How did they get on with your wife before when you visited? I don't live abroad any more but my mam would be a lot more hands on with my baby than my husband's mam. I think because she's my mam. If we were still abroad I'd say she'd have come over soon after and nobody would expect it to be a holiday. But then again both sets of parents had visited plenty of times before and had a chance to do the touristy things.
    I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help, not specifically because she's the grandmother, but I just don't think anybody should be going to stay with new parents at that stage and expect they are going on a holiday. Either stay somewhere else or put off your trip.
    But at this stage, maybe it's too late to bring it up without it causing a rift?


  • Posts: 19,178 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I presume they were invited to see the baby?
    If you wanted them to come & help around the house you should hve made that clear to them
    They are on holiday visiting their son & his family


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,091 ✭✭✭catrionanic


    Some of the most common things you're told when visiting a new baby, is to keep visits short and not to ask to hold the baby all the time. Both of which are important bits of advice. Maybe she is trying to give you both some space, and not to just sit there holding a baby all the time?

    I would gladly take this over my experience with my own in-laws. They came over from the UK when baby was two weeks old (and being breastfed so was feeding alllĺllll the time and it was very intense). They basically camped out in front my my tv all day every day for a week, while I sat in the bedroom for hours per day feeding the baby (I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in front of people yet at this stage). As soon I came back downstairs, the MIL grabbed the baby out of my arms and just held him until he needed changing or another feed or started to cry, then handed him back. They wouldn't go anywhere- they refused to do anything touristy or even go out for lunch or dinner. And not one bit of housework was done for us either.

    Maybe she's just trying to give you some space? Or maybe she is having a little holiday herself! It's not her job to come over and clean the house and change nappies, at the end of the day. Plus baby is six weeks old now and you are both off work.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,283 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    I think your attitude stinks with your sense of entitlement Ankur what your mother should be doing.

    She's the child's grandmother visiting from another country where she minds children several days a week.
    She deserves some rest and downtime to do leisurely stuff on her break. And as said before, she has done childrearing before and should now have graduated beyond having to do the parenting donkey work for a son and Dil who take her for granted.

    You seem to want her to take up the role of domestic servant and general dogsbody. If this is the way you treat her on other visits and in general then I'm not surprised she visits so rarely.

    I think you need to take a good dose of cop on and adjust your attitude to your mom.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,878 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    I'm with you on this one. Even if she doesn't help per se, you'd expect her to dote a little more on her grandchild, who, as you point out, she'll only see very infrequently.
    Sure, some sightseeing is fine but you'd expect her to mix it up a little!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 452 ✭✭fishy_fishy


    I think people need to cut OP some slack. If I went abroad and was staying with family, I'd be killed offering to do what I could. That the OP thought his mother might engage withthe baby a little isn't way out there. OP is a long way from home and sounds like normal support network isn't there. A lot of people would interpret their parents coming over in those circumstances as them intending to help them out a little with new baby and new home.. And to just spend a little time with a baby they won't see much.

    However, OP you say she does EVERYTHING in her own home. So why would she do it in yours?

    Also, I think people have valid points about her getting out from under your feet, not wanting to be the intrusive MIL taking over from your wife, and not wanting to get too attached to a baby she won't see again as a baby.

    I think you'll just have to accept her as is. She's not being malicious.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,911 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Expecting lifts isn't getting out from under your feet. That's unreasonable.

    Not offering to do any washing up etc. after your hosts have fed you is unreasonable for ANY guest.

    Not offering to cook even once or to pay for food even once is unreasonable for a house guest.

    Any of these things would be bad enough even without a newborn in the house.

    I'm partial to your abracadabra,

    I'm raptured by the joy of it all.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,466 ✭✭✭scarepanda


    Ok, my reading of the ops post is not one of entitlement so much as one where his parents are adding a lot of additional pressure onto already sleep deprived new parents.

    Imo, his mother is fully entitled to make a holiday out of her trip, but by doing so she shouldn't be expecting her son and daughter-in-law to be her taxi, tour guide, organising meals out (seriously, what new parent wants to go out for a meal?) Or anything else. Personally I wouldn't expect a guest to cook or clean the house, but I would hope if any of our parents stayed with us when we had a newborn, that they would help out in small ways to just take some of the pressure off. Maybe tidy off the table after a meal, or load the dishwasher, or ask if there was anything they could do or whatever. Small tasks that take 5 minutes to do here and there but can make a huge difference to new parents.

    If his mother wanted to have the holiday it sounds like she wants to have, she should have stayed in a hotel closer to the centre of everything and call out to her son's house a few times during the trip to see the baby. But it sounds to me that she expects to be waited on hand and foot, which in any other situation wouldn't be a problem.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 28,180 ✭✭✭✭drunkmonkey


    It's the Mother FFS, she's changed her dirty nappies probably had to hand wash them. She's on holidays I assume invited, probably tired from one of her siblings giving her too much to do with the other grandkids.
    Take it easy on her you'll miss her when she's gone and probably really only appricate all she done for you the older your kid gets.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166 ✭✭LaLa2004


    People need to take into account that grannies get older. What she might have been willing to do for a first grandchild, when she was 60,she might not be able or willing to do for a subsequent grandchild 10 years later.


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 24,057 Mod ✭✭✭✭Clareman


    It's very frustrating when people come and don't do what you expect of them, when our first was born my in-laws used to come around for dinner, they'd have it landed in front of them, cleared away and then get a cup of tea. My family were away and didn't come near us for the first month or so, both family live close to us.

    Don't underestimate the power of past conversations that might have happened, you've said that your mother doesn't drive/take taxis when she's over, but that's just to get to the subway station, personally I'd be more insulted if she rang for a taxi to get to the station rather than ask for a lift, also are you sure that Mrs. Vetinari didn't offer your services to drop them to the station? They aren't cleaning pots or around the place, I know that if my MiL called around and started cleaning that Mrs. Clareman would go mad and take it as an insult.

    Op, your parents are on holidays, your mother works 3 days a week minding children, she has 4 weeks off a year, you've had 6 weeks "off" so far


  • Posts: 268 ✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I know my mam is more at home in my house than at my sisters in law's, so your mother may be feeling the same and doesn't want to interfere with her daughter in law's domain.
    I still would find it annoying to have anyone stay for that long without even clearing after meals.

    But I agree with previous poster - re-adjust your expectations and try to enjoy (get through) the rest of the week.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,911 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Clareman wrote: »
    So a son-in-law has an issue with a mother-in-law, I'm sure this has never happened before :pac::pac::pac:

    Think someone needs to re-read the OP...

    I'm partial to your abracadabra,

    I'm raptured by the joy of it all.



  • Posts: 17,847 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Is it possible that she’s got some health issues?
    Or just doesn’t want to appear to be interfering in how her daughter in law rears her child?


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 24,057 Mod ✭✭✭✭Clareman


    Oops, I edited my post with the proper family dynamic but I think it still makes sense.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 461 ✭✭Paranoid Mandroid


    I'd love it if my mother in law came over just to relax and chill out. We've 3 kids, she never stops and she's exhausted looking after everyone in her life. It's our turn to look after our parents. I have zero expectations for my parents helping me. They will if I ask but I try not to. This is very simple to me. Our kids are our responsibility and our parents are knackered (age), I'll look after them when they visit. They did a lot for me that I can never repay. I'm not saying your situation wouldn't annoy me all the same, it's a case of accepting it, getting on with it.

    In a few years you'll all have more energy to go out and enjoy the sites etc. Be grand.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,593 ✭✭✭Hitman3000


    I now get the description 'entitled'.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    OP I think you need to grow up. It's your wife and your baby and while it would be nice for your mammy to help out, she owes you nothing. Anything she does is strictly voluntary.

    By the same token, if you are unhappy with her demands, then tell her! If it's hassle to drive her round everywhere, tell her to get a taxi! You are both adults now. At some point in the future you or your siblings will have to take care of her.

    Maybe she's dying to help but doesn't want to interfere. Who knows - you've never talked to her.

    Welcome to adulthood.


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement