Grandmother showing low interest in newborn

irishmoss

Emigration can be hard on families, maybe she is punishing you for moving far away. Given that she never visited in 11 years says something that's assuming that neither work or financial issues were a factor in her not visiting. On the other hand we don't know how close you have been or what contact you have had with your parents since you left.

All I can suggest is to go for a walk or a pint with your Dad before you go home and talk it through with him. If your Dad is down on the floor it looks like he is trying to make up for your mothers lack of interest. Not that Grandad's don't do that but at least he is trying and be thankful your relationship with your Dad is still good. It's hard when your kids move that far away.

There is obviously more going on than the brief bits of information you have posted here. I know others have said talk to your Mum but I think it would end in an argument and that's the last thing you want. A little chat with your Dad may answer your question and always remember you only get out of a relationship what you put into it!

Oops69

you are not the centre of the universe even if you have had a baby ,unbelievable really , she's the child GRANDmother , not its mother .

LegacyUser

You sound like a child tbh. I'd be embarassed as a grown man giving out that my mum isnt helping out around the house or having to cook her dinner. I'd be embarassed expecting her to pay for dinner, or coming on here giving out because you have to drive her 15 mins in the morning. Is this not the woman that raised you?

LegacyUser

ah the replies are so harsh. most people I know do have family visit. While family are over it is generally about the new family unit, making sure mam and dad managing ok with new demands and getting a bit of quality time with baba. fair enough, I think granny is entitled to take a pass on the nappies but some general ohhing and ahhing over the baby is fairly standard stuff as well as not putting demands on new parents . that said , has she asked for ye to organise dinners etc or have ye just volunteered? just took it from posts that ye feel obliged to do all this feeding and ferrying but haven't actually been asked. maybe say something like "we are a bit knackered so might leave ye to make yer own plans for dinner " etc. In terms of the lack of interest, yes it's unexpected and bewildering but it may improve with time. keep the faith. the lack of sleep in these early days is cruel. mind yerselves and try to rise above it.

vetinari

irishmoss wrote: »

Emigration can be hard on families, maybe she is punishing you for moving far away. Given that she never visited in 11 years says something that's assuming that neither work or financial issues were a factor in her not visiting. On the other hand we don't know how close you have been or what contact you have had with your parents since you left.

I have wondered if it's something to do with us buying a house.
That does in a way cement us being here for quite a while.
We generally have a good relationship.
I call home once a week and go home 2 to 3 times a year.
I live in the United States so think that's not bad considering the distance.


She to emphasize does not travel far from home at all.
She has a brother that lives near London that she hasn't visited in god knows how long. I think at least 15 years. That brother will visit home most years.


It's hard to guage at times. What's "that's just the way someone is" vs "that person should make more of an effort"? To be honest, if I was the brother, I'd be insulted that my sister won't make the effort of a 1 hour flight to visit me every few years.

vetinari

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I suspect this is the Freudian slip that explains the thread.

To be honest, her effort / enthusiasm around my son would still be an issue even if there was no other grandchild. I've seen her doting over other kids before. She's definitely been more standoffish that you would expect with my son.

cuddlepunk

When I became a grandmother I was half afraid to hold the baby as it had been so long since I was around a newborn, I changed him and fed him when asked but I was really nervous and didn't volunteer. I have 5 children myself but the youngest is 9,it was like I never held a newborn I was so clumsy. There could be so many reasons for her being like this. My mother had no interest in her 3rd Grandchild or so it seemed, but it turned out holding her was too painful as she was having problems with her back. Do your best to enjoy her being there, if she didn't care she wouldn't have traveled that far to see you.

mazwell

Grandmother: We'd like to come over to see the baby.
Me: Sounds good. Btw, it's only okay for ye to come over so early if ye're going to be helping some bit with the baby or household tasks.

Why in the name of god did you not just say exactly this???
That's your own quote. You should have said that to your parents. Otherwise you should have said it doesn't suit until the baby gets older.

Cop yourself on your parents are not your servants.

mazwell

Also who says "Good job" to a child kicking it's feet out. Are you waiting for your mother to praise a baby for not ****ting/sleeping/crying?
Cop on and realise your child is a beautiful miracle. But only to you and your wife

Drifter50

vetinari wrote: »

To be honest, her effort / enthusiasm around my son would still be an issue even if there was no other grandchild. I've seen her doting over other kids before. She's definitely been more standoffish that you would expect with my son.

FGS, your sense of entitlement is extraordinary. Coming at this from a grandparents point of view, can you not appreciate that perhaps your parents have raised their family, been there, done that and now want some time to enjoy their life without being thrust into childminding again let alone cooking cleaning someone else`s house.

You really need to grow up, it was your decision to have children, now deal with it. Don`t expect your parents to be unpaid childminders let alone the hired home help.

One of our grown up children lives in Europe. It was made perfectly plain to us that if we wish to visit, we stay in a hotel and visit during the day. We have no problem with that, their home is their space and they are entitled to it. Perhaps you should have considered an option like this.

Glass fused light

vetinari wrote: »

I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of paternity leave so I'm still off work.
Our son has also been placid enough so far.

......
In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping. Maybe she's expecting the same of us. It's like she hasn't accounted for the fact we have a 6 week old newborn to take care of.

Your mother did the new born home from hospital with you and your siblings without your dad being off on paternity leave. If she was breastfeeding she was not doing this in company. And unless your dad is doing your sons laundry and nappies or shopping or cooking, she did it all that too on her own because most men did not do that when you were born.

You need to start talking to her as an adult talks to another adult. She did the child rearing bit and you can learn if you ask her. Your male and have some gender role issues, she and your dad taught you some of this, so she won't react the same as if you were her daughter and a new mother. And she is not butting in with your wife, which if they don't know each other well is a very sensible approach to take.

And yes whether you like it or not she is in a new place and does not travel a lot so will want to do the tourist bit. Asking them over this early was probably a mistake without making it very clear what your expectations were and your mother-in-law would have been a better option.

fits

OP I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to expect a bit of help around the house and with meals etc. some people are nervous around newborns and that’s fine. Baby’s Mum and dad are the most important people at this stage but your mother could still provide support. You might need to spell it out for her a bit though. I’m sure it wouldn’t be rude to ask her and your dad to make dinner one evening just a “ could ye look after dinner today?”

pwurple

The woman is lumped into another country and doesn't know what to do with herself it sounds like. She wouldn't be able to sort dinner in another country if she is a bad traveller.

She is clearly a home bird and very uncomfortable in someone else's house. She does everything in her own domain on her own terms.

You've said she hates when people interfere in her household ... Doesn't let them help. She automaticly assumed the same applies here.

As for not clambering on to the floor, OP seriously, that is very undignified to a lot of people. My parents wouldn't do that.


I think you seem tired and stressed. This will pass. I usually say talking about it is good, but in this case you will just have a row. Leave it be for a few days, thank them for their visit, tell them you hope to see them soon. And next time they come get them an Airbnb.

phormium

Not a hope would I be getting down on the floor with my grandson, my knees would never get me up again and I'm not that old!

irishmoss

You are being a bit harsh here and over analysing your mother. She is obviously a home bird and comfortable in her own environment.

Your relationship seems good with her but you are obviously very hurt over her behaviour towards your son.

I think the answer to your question lies in the fact that they chose to come over now. And that's simply that you would be there and she wouldn't have to be there with your wife alone. I can get that, others might find that strange. It's not saying she dislikes your wife but she obviously chose to come at this time for a reason. I think she is just out of her comfort zone in another's woman's house. I can totally relate to that. The fact that she travelled over also says a lot about your relationship as it was obviously important for her to see her new grandchild

I'd bet a thousand dollars if you were to come home in a few months you would get a totally different reaction to your son. All the other stuff about meals and sight seeing is irrelevant. She has come along way to visit you and is entitled to do these things.

vetinari wrote: »

It's hard to guage at times. What's "that's just the way someone is" vs "that person should make more of an effort"? To be honest, if I was the brother, I'd be insulted that my sister won't make the effort of a 1 hour flight to visit me every few years.

bee06

OP, I think you just need to have an honest conversation with her so this bitterness it seems like you are experiencing doesn’t affect your relationship permanently. We can give all the viewpoints in the world but no one really knows what your mother is thinking. Imagine if your mother really does think she’s trying to give you space and trying not to interfere. And you’re thinking she doesn’t care so the next time you think about going home you say why bother as she has no interest. She’s at home dying to see her grandson. Making assumptions about other people’s intentions is a great way to kill a relationship.

Also, you are focusing a lot on her relationship with your niece. Were you around when your niece was a newborn to see how your mother interacted with her? If not you aren’t really comparing like with like.

lawred2

My folks are similar. Raised both my sister's kids but when they visit us it's feet up and waited on from start to finish.

We live in the big schmoke so they have a bit of a bogger mentality where the city is for all Ireland finals and the airport.

When they visit it's a novelty for them. It's like they forget that we live here the rest of the year. Odd mentality but I've made my peace with it. My wife still struggles with it though.

I suppose because they don't visit here outside of very rare events my mother doesn't really feel part of the homestead where it is different with my sister. I'm sure it's difficult for her too. She doesn't really want to step on anyone's toes. Some people are better than others at getting stuck in.

irishmoss

I really don't get the likes of that statement. So you allow your wife to criticise you parents for staying a few days year and they don't muck in? For Gods sake look at what your parents have done for you over the years! I can see very clearly where you and wife's stance will be when they get older. If I thought any of my kids felt like that I would be ashamed that I raised such a selfish person.

I take it that you never land you and your family on top of your parents?

lawred2 wrote: »

My My wife still struggles with it though.

I suppose because they don't visit here outside of very rare events

lawred2

irishmoss wrote: »

I really don't get the likes of that statement. So you allow your wife to criticise you parents for staying a few days year and they don't muck in? For Gods sake look at what your parents have done for you over the years! I can see very clearly where you and wife's stance will be when they get older. If I thought any of my kids felt like that I would be ashamed that I raised such a selfish person.

I take it that you never land you and your family on top of your parents?

Jesus wept

Firstly she doesn't criticise them beyond not understanding the difference between how my mum operates in our house versus my sister's house. She's seen it first hand. Don't read what's not there. She's perfectly free to question things she sees with her own eyes.

Secondly, I don't get to "allow" or "disallow" my wife to do anything. She's a grown woman. She's entitled to her own choices.

The rest of your post is some sort of baseless broadside. Maybe you have your own issues to deal with, I don't know, but whatever it is, I'd appreciate it if you didn't level them at me.

Thanks.

SirChenjin

I think it may be, as others have said, that she is trying hard not to be the interfering MIL, with your wife.

She doesn't travel much, from what you have said, and is enjoying the novelty of getting out and about, possibly thinking that she is doing the right thing in not being intrusive, and getting out of the house.

Don't let it spoil your relationship. It can be a hard one for parents in law (especially) to tread the right line, when grandchildren come into the picture.

Congrats on your new baby, and enjoy every minute.

spurious

Maybe the woman's ill?
Maybe she has 'been there, done that' with kids?
Maybe she is on holiday?

GreeBo

spurious wrote: »

Maybe the woman's ill?
Maybe she has 'been there, done that' with kids?
Maybe she is on holiday?

I think the point is that *if* she is indeed on holiday and not looking to help her son with his newborn, then she should not stay in the house.

Maybe she is too old to help, maybe she has no interest, maybe a million other things. But despite all of this she should be aware that a house with a newborn is not the place for lodgers. Go stay in a hotel if its a holiday you want.

Hitman3000

The one thing I hope is the OP's mum is not a Boards member. This thread is ridiculous, plenty of advice was offered and suggestions as to why his mother may be acting the way she does. Without actually talking to her he ain't going to know for sure. I have grown up kids and very young nephews and nieces. They're nice and all that but I have very little interest in interacting with them unless asked by my siblings or in laws when I visit.

wildwillow

The OP is typical of new parents. Their child is the centre of the universe and everyone should behave accordingly. It will wear off eventually.

The mother has travelled a long distance at some expense to see them. She is keeping out of the way of her daughter in law and not dictating how the house is managed or the child reared.

Her generation do not have the concept of paying for a hotel when family are around, or maybe she cannot afford it as well as air fares.

She is doing some sightseeing, but why is her husband not joining her in this? Is she not entitled to be her own person after a lifetime of caring for other people.

New babies need routine and she knows this. I would be nervous handling a new baby and have only done it when my DIL had to return to hospital soon after the birth.

Your house is alien to her. Kitchen appliances are different and probably the type of meals you eat are not what she is used to preparing.
Did the other grandparents visit and help?

The mistake you made was them visiting at this particular time and expecting them to help. Enjoy the rest of the time with her, and be thankful she hasn't tried to dispense advice during her visit.

iamwhoiam

phormium wrote: »

Not a hope would I be getting down on the floor with my grandson, my knees would never get me up again and I'm not that old!

I love babies and am very comfortable around them and holding them etc . I wouldn't be on the floor saying " good job" to a 6 week old either !!! At six weeks you are lucky if they make eye contact and a watery ( is it isn't?) smile .! And I would struggle to get back up off the floor too so I would sit and watch from the couch .

iamwhoiam

Drifter50 wrote: »

One of our grown up children lives in Europe. It was made perfectly plain to us that if we wish to visit, we stay in a hotel and visit during the day. We have no problem with that, their home is their space and they are entitled to it. .

I am just curious ! Do you say the same when your son/daughter visits you ?

Sardonicat

OP, your mothercasked you if it was OK to visit at this time. You said yes. You didnt say "Sure, as long as you dont mind helping out a bit with cooking and housework". She didn't say"do you want me to come over and lend a hand? " If that's what you wanted from her you should have made it clear.

Jebus wept! She's your mom. She cooked and cleaned for YOU growing up! She changed YOUR nappies. It's your turn now. Cop on and have a bit of respect for your mother. There's two of ye at home with the baby full time at the moment. I bet she didn't have that luxury and she probably wouldn't expect to need to help out under those circumstances.

You are not coming across well here

skullsocks

Having a new born is a million times harder than I expected it to be, it will get better. Ignore the miserable sods here, I'm sure since they were 18 they did everything on their own with no help from anyone!

For the first 3 months after our LO was born we made it clear to anyone that wanted to visit that things were now different, if they wanted tea etc they had to make their own. You have enough on your plate without having to care for another adult who is perfectly capable of caring for themselves.

I completely understand how it would not be nice to feel like your mother wasn't very interested in your child. I love seeing how much our LO's grandparents love him and are so eager to spend time with him. Who wouldn't want their child to have as wide a support network as possible. Maybe as others have suggested, its just the baby phase that she is not as interested in.

If they wanted to visit for a holiday they could have done it anytime over the last eleven years or in the next year or so when things have calmed down. I suspect your mother doesn't know what to be doing with the baby I.e concerned about being overbearing or intrusive. Maybe she decided not to do anything unless she has been asked. Basically give her the benefit of the doubt and see how things go the next time you visit them back home.

Turnipman

Maybe it's just that your mother doesn't really like you. Although for the life of me I cannot imagine why that would be.

*mod note*
less of the personal abuse please

TG1

lawred2 wrote: »

My folks are similar. Raised both my sister's kids but when they visit us it's feet up and waited on from start to finish.

[...]

I suppose because they don't visit here outside of very rare events my mother doesn't really feel part of the homestead where it is different with my sister. I'm sure it's difficult for her too. She doesn't really want to step on anyone's toes. Some people are better than others at getting stuck in.

I really think this is the bit that causes so much upset. Mams have mucked in with their own kids all their life, they've wiped arses, cleaned vomit, tied up hair, wiped tears etc.etc. so doing it when their kids are grown is still like second nature.

However, rightly or wrongly, children and households are still seen as the woman in the relationships domain, so while a mother will muck in with a daughters household and children, she may be more reluctant to do so with a sons, as she hasn't mucked in with her daughter in law all her life.

I see it with my own mam, in my sister's house she cleans the oven while my sister's at work, in my brother's house she gets a takeaway rather than use their oven without being told she can... It's a weird one, and I would say a lot of grown sons struggle to get their head round it, but I really think in the ops situation, your wife making an effort to ask her to do a few bits, framing it as it would be doing her a favour l, might do the trick.