Leaving abusive relationship Vs long term goals?

B0jangles · 01-08-2018 10:36AM

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I can’t thank you all enough for these responses because they have given me the strength I need to make a change. His dad is on the way from Canada and the hostel manager is going to collect him to bring him to where John (fake name) is staying, he doesn’t know this though. I have to admit I have been frightened of him for a while and I wasn’t sure why, my gut told me something bad was going to happen and now that he will know I’m leaving him that fear has intensified. I told the manager of the hostel and he’s been great, he’s organised that I stay with a nice woman he knows until he’s out of the country. The dad arrives in a few hours and I was going to go visit to say goodbye but I have decided I don’t think I will, because he’ll be able to suck me in again. Thank you again for all the kind and supportive responses, I’ll post an update over the next few days for anyone who may be interested

Well done! You're doing all the right things and your instincts are telling you the truth - you need to escape, you need to protect yourself at this point.

The highlighted line is really important I think - it's like you originally saw this man as if he was (metaphorically) trapped in a whirlpool and drowning. You swam out to help and got trapped in the same whirlpool, and have slowly come to realise that he's the one creating it. You need to break free and swim to safety or you'll drown.

Whether or no he consciously knows he is creating this situation is irrelevant - intentionally or not, he will destroy you; you need to get away.

wiggle16 · 01-08-2018 11:08PM

So glad you've done what you needed to do, you've done right by yourself and right by him too. You can get your life back to yourself again.

Best of luck and mind yourself x

JustAThought · 01-08-2018 11:28PM

I am so relieved and thrilled to see that you have found the strength and courage to get help and leave. Your hostel.manager sounds like a wise and amazing guy (gal?) and DO NOT FEEL the Irish Guilt and give innand say or see ANYTHING of him before he goes - that is when things will be MOST VOLATILE and emotional and dangerous for you. Perhaps someone can sit with you and see that your are distracted and not on facebook/phone/anything. Stay strong and keep utterly focused - you have been so corageous and found such help - do not get sucked back in now like you have before when you were trying to leave. For you it is over. You have helped him all you could and his family are.now going to get him the psychiatric and proper medical intervention and mental help he needs . Look back on your posts and see how hopeful and happy you were before you went to Oz and how normal your worries and dreams were. You have enabled yourself to have a happy hopeful laughter and adventire filled future - and not one of jealousy and control and undercover violence and fear and apprehension and control by this man you met and barely knew who wanted to own and control you and imprison you with him. Do not go near fb and lock your profile to friends only - not friends of friends - and stay off it for a good long while. Change your sim and number and keep thtat off fb too. Tell other the truth so they make sure he can not twist them to reach you. You have an amazing year ahead of you. Try and put this appalling time of fear and emotional control and fake suicides behind you and have the young happy carefree year you deserve and worked so hard to save for and have.

And above all tell the father -or ask the manager to say it to.him - that you do not want any.updates or contact from either the son or the family - thank you - you would prefer to leave them to deal with the matter in theor family privately and not to involve you or get in contact again.

Well done. I was so worried about you. This was so serious. Thank God you are almost free. Do not let him suck you back in - this is when it is most dangerous - and dont get guilted into future updates or contact by the father. Guilt him back - "dont you think I have suffered enough because of your son who I am afraid of. I wish you well, but it is time for me to have peace and.my.life back - please delete.my number and make sure he does not ever contact me again".

Now deep.breaths and have an amazing Oz. Put this whole voetex of violence behind you and get working on your happiness and adventure and YOUR future.

Melisandre121 · 02-08-2018 06:22AM

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

Peatys · 02-08-2018 06:32AM

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

What advice do you think you're going to get other than what's already been posted? You can do nothing for him. You didn't mess up with Gmail, you messed up by sitting with him for hours and now he thinks he is back in.

You could have just deleted the mail.

Anyone who genuinely wants to kill themselves does it quickly and quietly so as not to get caught.

Anyone who "tries" it three times is emotionally holding you too ransom. Strange how to were there to stop the bleeding and call an ambulance each time, no?

otnomart · 02-08-2018 06:34AM

I know it is hard for you,
but do not forget that you are not qualified to help him,
the best help that you can give him is to cut contact and let his family and qualified professionals take care of him.

And you, you have to take care of yourself.
Please continue with your plan and move out and cut contact, do not tell him where you go.

Skibunny77 · 02-08-2018 07:47AM

I don't think posting here will help you. You have been given consistent advice but emotionally you are caught up in the abusive rekationship dynamic. This isn't partnership, it is dependency. Arrange a counsellor for yourself ASAP, I'm sure there are free domestic violence counselling services in Australia. You need more support than this thread can offer imho

Ursus Horribilis · 02-08-2018 09:31AM

So where is his father?

Neyite · 02-08-2018 09:57AM

That's exactly what posters on here knew would happen and hoped you'd avoid it.

This is why you need to NOT talk to him any more. He is not your problem any more. You passed it on to his family. Whether or not he goes home with his dad is NOT your business or concern.

This is your only option. Or else you can continue being his emotional punch-bag and recipient for all his threats and ruin your own mental health in the process until one of his drama-fuelled attempts actually accidentally works or worse yet, he decides you both need to die and you become just another murder-suicide statistic.

This is the site for domestic abuse help in Australia. Please read it. Here's a map to click on for your local support services. Contact someone before it's your parent going to Austrailia to bring you home in a box.

Did reading that make your blood run cold? I hope it's shocked you enough to properly block him once and for all.

He is NOT safe to be around. Right now he's spiralling, he's seeing his control of you slip away and his father on the way to get him. Time to make you do what he wants is running out for him and he will be getting desperate. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she has ended or trying to leave the relationship. The ONLY way to stay safe is to not go near him, not read any messages or emails.

Emme · 02-08-2018 10:33AM

Neyite wrote: »

That's exactly what posters on here knew would happen and hoped you'd avoid it.

This is why you need to NOT talk to him any more. He is not your problem any more. You passed it on to his family. Whether or not he goes home with his dad is NOT your business or concern.

This is your only option. Or else you can continue being his emotional punch-bag and recipient for all his threats and ruin your own mental health in the process until one of his drama-fuelled attempts actually accidentally works or worse yet, he decides you both need to die and you become just another murder-suicide statistic.

This is the site for domestic abuse help in Australia. Please read it. Here's a map to click on for your local support services. Contact someone before it's your parent going to Austrailia to bring you home in a box.

Did reading that make your blood run cold? I hope it's shocked you enough to properly block him once and for all.

He is NOT safe to be around. Right now he's spiralling, he's seeing his control of you slip away and his father on the way to get him. Time to make you do what he wants is running out for him and he will be getting desperate. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she has ended or trying to leave the relationship. The ONLY way to stay safe is to not go near him, not read any messages or emails.

OP PLEASE heed this very wise advice, especially the bits that are in bold. Did you just meet him at the hostel or does he know where you are staying? If he doesn't YOU MUST NOT LET HIM KNOW.

Emotional abusers pick people they can manipulate. That's why he picked you. You need to get counselling so you can protect yourself emotionally going forward. Domestic violence counselling would be the most appropriate for you now.

Remember NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN.

If he is refusing to go home with his father that between him and his father. You need to get the FXXX out of Dodge away from him.

zapper55 · 02-08-2018 12:25PM

Op the reason people are so concerned for you is that they are afraid he's going to hurt you. Or kill you. Nothing you've written has disproved that.

Read this for ways to block Gmails https://www.lifewire.com/how-to-block-a-sender-in-gmail-1172072

Ursus Horribilis · 02-08-2018 12:30PM

Please don't contact him again. By turning up like this, you have thrown a spanner in the works big time. If his family are trying to get him home, the last thing they need is you interfering. You are not qualified to help him in any way. In fact, you continuing to interfere like this could very jeopardising any chance he has to get the help he needs.

And yes, I 100% agree with everything Neyite has said. He is spiralling and God only knows what he could do next to you or him. Or both of ye.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-08-2018 12:42PM

What did you talk about for hours? What did you say to him? Did you make promises to him? Promises to stay in touch? Promises to not leave him? He is manipulating you 100%. Your feelings aren't a consideration for him, at all. He doesn't actually care about you, or how this is affecting you. All he cares about is himself and getting what he wants. It's the nature of the illness. He is incapable of seeing beyond himself. He is in no position to look out for your wellbeing. It is entirely irrelevant to him. You are the only one who can lookout for you now.

He will be ok. He managed life before you. He'll manage life after you. You are not qualified to help him or support him. You are not in a position to. And no matter how well meaning you are, things you say to him might actually be making the situation worse.

You got unanimous advice here. You ignored it.
Please listen to it now. His father is there. Let him deal with him.

Dial Hard · 02-08-2018 12:47PM

Honestly, OP, and I'm not saying this to be cruel but I am beginning to wonder if you're not getting some kind of weird fulfillment out of all this too. Why oh why else would you have gone to see him after he emailed you? Or even read the frickin email in the first place???

It seems to me you've been so sucked into this drama that part of you is actually enjoying your part in it. I really think you should go home and get yourself some counselling. You're clearly not equipped to be travelling alone. I'm aware of how harsh that sounds but please believe that it's coming from a genuine place. You're clearly a very vulnerable, needy and naive person and right now I'm not confident that even if you do manage to rid yourself of this leech (and quite frankly that's currently looking like a big "if") you won't just end up in the same or a similar situation slightly further down the line.

Go home to your family, to your support network. And get some help for your own issues. Please.

pwurple · 02-08-2018 01:32PM

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

This is hard. I feel for you. I left a relationship like this, and it was incredibly difficult. I felt like the cruelest person on the planet. He did the whole lot... "How can you do this to me, I love you so much", and a crying man is something we typically don't see either, so it has shock impact.
I had to do it. Put on my big girl pants, set my face like stone, switched on some hardcore music on my headphones, and did it. But I had support when I felt like slipping, and maybe this is what you lack. You need your family, your friends, someone to back you up on this. Us online strangers are great an' all, but someone in the flesh will be better.

Oh yes, and this thread reminded me of that bloke, who I left 20 years ago.. looked him up on the old FB. He's fine. Married, a couple of kids, working. Much better off for us splitting up our miserable relationship.

wiggle16 · 02-08-2018 01:40PM

Hi OP

Why would he go with his father when you're still there, to torment and feed on?

You need to leave. To tell the truth you would be selfish to stay with him. You're not of any help to him. And more importantly you need to protect yourself.

So please, just leave.

MissShihTzu · 02-08-2018 04:54PM

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

Look. I don't want to be seen as unkind, but why the HELL did you decide to go and see him after all you've posted and the advice you've been given?? I just don't get it.

You could have just deleted the mail as suggested and Googled 'How to block someone's address' You didn't. You went of your own free will to visit him 'for a quick chat'. You must have known good and well it wouldn't be a quick 'see you later' and wave you off on your merry way.

Only you can answer these questions, but I seriously think he is not the only one who needs help. Please read over the advice given after your update and ACT ON IT!! PLEASE!!!

NiceFella · 02-08-2018 05:03PM

This guy is manipulative even if he's unconsciously doing it to make you feel bad for him. They target good empathetic people and feed off them. It's a no Brainer. Just up and leave with no explanation. Don't try and discuss it with him because he'll just emotionally black mail you. Best of luck.

Redser87 · 02-08-2018 05:37PM

OP without you there he is much more likely to go home with his dad. For your sake and his, cut and run and never look back.

SirChenjin · 02-08-2018 09:10PM

There is not a whole lot more that can be said, OP.

For your own sake, please do heed the advice given here. You are not doing anyone any good in the current situation, either yourself or him.

This situation is far, far beyond your control, or abilities - there is nothing you can do that will help him. Nothing. He needs professional help, and if you are off the scene, he is more likely to be persuaded by his dad, or health professionals to get the required help.

Think of the advice given on board a plane, in the safety demo, look after yourself, before attending to anyone else
Get support for yourself in real life, as soon as possible, be it through counselling, friends or family. Take care.

WIZWEB · 03-08-2018 09:07PM

OP you're codependent. In essence trauma bonded to this chap and his obvious borderline personality disorder. You are both addicted to the drama.

I remember you being here before. You obviously ignored all the advice given previously and most likely will do so again or find ways of maintaining your dysfunctional attachment. I'm not victim blaming. It's your choice to engage in this madness.

Disengage or have your life ruined. Seek professional therapy to curtail your toxic enabling caretaker role. This was most likely developed from dysfunctional parenting. Again a skill that is intergenerational.

You're playing the martyr is just as damaging to this lad. I did this codependency fiasco for over 8 years with an alcoholic. Even long after I ended the relationship I made excuses to engage every time he threatened suicide. All manipulation and toxic drama. Eventually I detached and thankfully moved home to NZ where he discovered a new enabler. No longer my problem. Never was! Now they are both alcoholics!

Leaving abusive relationship Vs long term goals?

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