Leaving abusive relationship Vs long term goals?

Melisandre121

I am currently travelling Australia and during my travels I met a guy who has a multitude of mental health problems. He is lovely and very sweet and I fell for him and we ended up together but he has his demons. When he gets down he threatens suicide. If we go out and I talk to other guys he goes missing and again, I have to deal with the suicide threats. I am destroyed emotionally from this. I am currently doing farmwork in Australia which at the end of September will give me a second year here but I can’t continue in this destructive relationship. I feel pretty much stuck with him as everywhere I go he comes, even if I tell him I need space. At this stage I’m thinking of just booking my flight to go home. I am depressed and desperately need to get out of this situation, but in doing so I sacrifice my dream. I just want to go home because he has broken me. I was so enjoying my time here before he entered my life, and although we’ve had good times, a lot of those times have been horrible. I don’t know whether to stick out the mental torture to get my second year or mind my mental health, book my flight and leave now. Any advice would be appreciated.

Caranica

What's stopping you from disappearing from his life? Move on, stay in Oz but don't tell him where you are going and block him on social media and on all other forms of contact. Might sound cruel but it's the only way not to crush your dreams. Move on, in every sense of the words.

JustAThought

Horrendous.
You didnt go on the adventure of a lifetime to be stuck in a nightmare and you are not responsible for him. His mental and emotional blackmail is sickening to read. He has doubtless done this before. An emotional contoller and manipulator like this will use every trick in the book. Block him. Leave him. Ghost him.Or Just dissappear . I've had a situation where I had to tell people in charge that I need to be seperated from x person and that i am a polite and patient and outgoing /friendly person but they are sucking the life out of me and damaging my mental health and I need to kept away from them in scheduling and work planning. If he is in work do that with your boss. Dont let him blackmail with you with talk of suicide and emotional control - this man is dangerous to your mental health - leave him. No discussion, no arguments,no chance for him to control you further . See if you can gain an ally there who you explain to and say can we pal around and please help me keep away from him if he comes over in work.Tell them that you want nothing to do with him and are afraid of him. Australia is big enough to lose someone in - and if you cross paths try and do the unpopular and difficult and say I dont want to speak with you or be around you please leave me alone. Turn your back to him people will see it and realise.. You would be surprised how people rally to help you when you say that and how if you keep repeating it and walk away the message can be very clear. Remove this monster from your life. Take courage. You have a reaponsibility to yourself not this man. Keep your dreams. Dont worry about appearing rude or unkind. And dont bother about subtelty or open discussions. Just be ruthless and firm and brief. I dont want to hang around or have anything to do with you anymore - please dont approach me or speak to me. Its harsh but necessary. After he ruins your year or follows you home you will have to do it. do it now and have the extraordinary holidays and life you want. This man is not sweet or nice umder it all - he is jealous and dangerous and controlling. You own him NOTHING. Save yourself

otnomart

I have been there with an ex who constantly threatened suicide.
Leaving him and cutting contact was one of the best thing I ever did for me.

Do you have any friends there in Oz ?
If Yes, please confide in them. And tell someone back home, call them on Skype or whatever.
You need support right now, so don't be afraid to ask for it from those who love you.
Look after yourself,

Steviesol

Yes just to re empahasise the importance of no contact. Don't ever respond to him again , no matter what he texts you .

Keep a note of everything, and thank your lucky stars he has not fathered a child with you . Get out while you can. If he injures himself that has nothing to do with you .

I am rooting for you here OP . I've seen these men in action , it's horrifying I am speaking from a wealth of experience. You should see how they act in a family law court after being dumped, with their "I only want to see my son" lark .


Best of luck

wiggle16

Hi OP. I remember your previous thread about this a few months ago.

The advice I and others gave you at the time was to break contact with him and mind yourself, and not to get into a relationship with him, because he was mentally ill - the advice I gave you was to back off or you would end up in this exact situation.

You didn't, and now you are where you are. I'm not saying that to rub it in, at all. I'm saying it because it's been proven to you, starkly, and so you should listen to it now: pack your bags, put your shoes on, and come home. Your mental health and your happiness are more important. Don't put yourself through this any further. He will do what he will. I'm sorry it worked out this way for you, but he was not your problem, and you made him your problem. You need to get away from him. Come home.

Australia will still be there if you want to go back. It's not going anywhere.

Get away from him, come home, and take care of yourself. Listen to your head. x

Arrival

Come home, send him a message explaining the fact that you've realised how toxic the relationship is due to his emotional blackmail and manipulation and then completely block him, never respond again. Look after yourself while at home, recover and then consider your options which can always be to move back over there when you're ready. You've a long life ahead of you, plenty of time to continue with your dream but not enough time to risk your mental health

MissShihTzu

Arrival wrote: »

Come home, send him a message explaining the fact that you've realised how toxic the relationship is due to his emotional blackmail and manipulation and then completely block him, never respond again. Look after yourself while at home, recover and then consider your options which can always be to move back over there when you're ready. You've a long life ahead of you, plenty of time to continue with your dream but not enough time to risk your mental health

Come home, or move elsewhere in Oz, but DON'T leave a message! Ghost him completely. Any sort of communication will open you up to manipulation and blackmail.

Make your plans whatever you decide to do,and tell no-one you're leaving. Block him on all fronts - change your number, delete and block from all social media,do not leave a forwarding address. It will be as though you never existed.

Good luck! You got this.

c montgomery

Block him from your life, he's a loser and your not going to change that.

Melisandre121

Thank you for all your responses. Last night he attempted suicide, I found him in the showers bleeding heavily after cutting himself. I had to try stop the bleeding whilst calling an ambulance. This is the third time I’ve had to call the ambulance. He won’t go home to Canada and I feel completely stuck in this horrendous situation. I can see he’s a manipulator but I just don’t feel I have it in me to ghost him. It’s so hard when you’re in the situation, I’m in shock this morning from what happened last night and don’t feel like I’m here

Steviesol

Melisandre121 wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses. Last night he attempted suicide, I found him in the showers bleeding heavily after cutting himself. I had to try stop the bleeding whilst calling an ambulance. This is the third time I’ve had to call the ambulance. He won’t go home to Canada and I feel completely stuck in this horrendous situation. I can see he’s a manipulator but I just don’t feel I have it in me to ghost him. It’s so hard when you’re in the situation, I’m in shock this morning from what happened last night and don’t feel like I’m here

This will never end well. Get out now while you can. Next time it could be a murder suicide . Run run run

Mam of 4

Melisandre121 wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses. Last night he attempted suicide, I found him in the showers bleeding heavily after cutting himself. I had to try stop the bleeding whilst calling an ambulance. This is the third time I’ve had to call the ambulance. He won’t go home to Canada and I feel completely stuck in this horrendous situation. I can see he’s a manipulator but I just don’t feel I have it in me to ghost him. It’s so hard when you’re in the situation, I’m in shock this morning from what happened last night and don’t feel like I’m here

It is so hard to walk away when you're in the situation, even though you know you're being manipulated in every sense . But for your own well being , mentally and physically, please leave .
You are not responsible for him or his actions , nor should he emotionally blackmail you into thinking you are .

Hopefully you can find the strength within you to sever all ties with him now , instead of finding yourself in this same situation again and again in the years ahead .

Stay safe .

Fakediamond

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a horrendous time, especially when you should be having the time of your life.

I think you’re going to have to ask yourself why you personally have taken on the responsibility for someone else’s life. What about your life and your needs? If this person is choosing not to seek professional help, or to reach out to family for help, then that is his choice. You really have to look at yourself and decide what you want and also to reflect on what is driving your need to be his saviour. You only know him a few months, how did he manage his life before you came along?

Emme

OP you are not responsible for this guy. If you stay he will continue to destroy your life. Book your ticket home and leave or book a ticket anywhere and leave. Don't let him know you are going because if you do he will up the ante with the manipulative tactics. Just disappear and don't contact him ever again.

Caranica

Melisandre121 wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses. Last night he attempted suicide, I found him in the showers bleeding heavily after cutting himself. I had to try stop the bleeding whilst calling an ambulance. This is the third time I’ve had to call the ambulance. He won’t go home to Canada and I feel completely stuck in this horrendous situation. I can see he’s a manipulator but I just don’t feel I have it in me to ghost him. It’s so hard when you’re in the situation, I’m in shock this morning from what happened last night and don’t feel like I’m here

Is there an Australian equivalent of getting someone sectioned? Calling an ambulance due to repeated suicide attempts says he needs serious help. He is not your problem. Get him hospitalised and get the hell away from him.

Ursus Horribilis

Melisandre, I've seen your other threads here on boards and you across to me as a somewhat fragile and anxious person. I can understand why you're agonising over this but please, take the advice you've been given unanimously here. Gather up every bit of strength and backbone you have and get the hell out of there. ASAP. Today if that's possible. I don't want to rub it in but you didn't take the advice you were given last time to leave - see where it got you. For your own future happiness and well being, leave. You know that he has already done you a lot of damage and you're only together a relatively short time. It is not going to get any easier if you stay. Get out.

If you're concerned about him, is there anyone in the hospital you can explain your concerns to? Other than that, it's time to wash your hands of him and get away. This could be your last chance. Nobody is going to pick up the phone and do this for you. Find the strength to do this and GET OUT.

Ursus Horribilis

Caranica wrote: »

Is there an Australian equivalent of getting someone sectioned? Calling an ambulance due to repeated suicide attempts says he needs serious help. He is not your problem. Get him hospitalised and get the hell away from him.

I like this advice. It gives you an "out" and a way to leave. If you have his family's details you could leave them with the authorities. Then get the hell out of there. Leave no forwarding details. Get out.

JustAThought

He allowed you to "find" him in the shower. He cut his wrist while you were there. It always looks scarey. Lots of wet and water and blood diluted running everywhere.. Just enough to terrify you and of course loud and messy -and of all of Australia he chose the room next door and a place where he knew you would come. Classic. How bad was it -enough to control and frighten you. And him -third time lucky- well ...Not unconscious. Not bled to death. Not done with any level of success - just enough to control you.

We have many of us lived with controlling manipulators and abusers. People who sigh when asked how they are and say nobody cares. People who use physical health or feigned inability to make others do what they want and spin it out until nobody cares or bothers anymore. I guess this guy used up all his friends and family back home and now from all of the acquaintences in the world has his claws in you.

You are probably well brought up and a person who likes to solve for people and make things positive and good for others. You are probably detail orientated and kind and sensitive and gentle hearted. You want to help people and make the world a kinder fairer place. You are probably a can-do problem solver from a goid kind hime with good values.

People like him, recognise this in people and latch onto them. They are needy and controlling and manipulate the caring person until they are in an emotional whirlwind and vortex of control and threats that they then cannot get out of. He has somehow normalised this horrendous way of living for you. I bet nobody else you travel with has a person like this latched onto them. I bet you also no longer have any fun friends left. When your " bf "sees the person wants to leave and their control is almost gone they start with threats and blaming - it is your fault they are now ill, if you dont say you love them they will kill themselves -or nearly - then it will be your fault they are ill and you will have to stay with them and give all your thoughts and energy to them and for them or they will 'try' and kill themselves "again". It is the controlling part that is the issue and the danger. If you look up any site on domestic abuse and domestic violence this is a well used and classic method. The stories there are always following just exactly the same pattern as yours. It is a well worn path and ALWAYS ends appallingly for the woman. You have known this stranger less than a year - a year where you should have been wild and carefree and halpy and which you dreamed about and looked forward to and you saved for and which should have been the best of your life. What is it now due to him? A NIGHTMARE.

. Do you think its any accident he has ended up on a circut where there are lots of single, isolated, vulnerable women travelling alone? Has he any other friends?Any female friends?Any guy groups?
Did you ever ask WHY he is there, and alone, an emotionally controlling and emotionally manipulative man who refuses to go home but is able to fund himself (how ?)and is ill but yet is able to try to "kill himself" -within earshot and knowing you will be back to find him - every time you try to go. How long do you know him now - 4 months? 6 months?

You are NOT responsible for him.
You are NOT his family and even the "relationship" you have had with him has been all about his needs, his wants, his health, his emotions and behaviour. You are not his saviour and his future does not depend on you.

If you go he will move on to the next victim or available tender hearted well brought up female he lures in.

Have a look at the stories on domesticviolence.ie or google coercive control. The kind of behaviour he is engaging in - psychological control in a relationship - is SO normal and such a problem that even in ireland we have changed our laws THIS YEAR to include EXACTLY this kind of behaviour in a relationship. Psychological control - threats of violence to
himself as a way of isolating and controlling and keeping you. It is SO normal and known to be such a destructive tool that the courts have asked for and been given a change in the legislation to be able to help women -just like you - who are victims of it and trapped by it . The Irish courts are FULL of decent, normal, kindhearted, well intended women from good families and well educated - just like you - who have been sucked into one way emotionally controlling needy destructive relationships where they feel they cannot get out of them and then it really starts to go wrong. You cannot see it but you are in a domestic violence partnership and the violence is psychological.

Who is this 6 month old stranger you have hooked up with. What kind of home did he come from? What did he see done there to his siblings or mother that he has adopted this behaviour. You know nothing in reality about him other thsn what you have experienced from his behaviour and whatever he has told you. Lies? Truth? What kind of drugs has he taken in the past to fry his brain so badly? What kind of mental illness has he that he treats you like this?6 or 8 months you have known him max -and he has taken your life and totally twisted its normality and ruined your happiness, memories of OZ and chance of a carefree happy trip of a lifetime. Where are his friends? I bet he has none. Where is his family or siblings - washed their hands of him or fed up with him. Or perhaps he has run away from an institution or medical care in Canada? Yet he is cunning enough to try and kill hself every time you try to leave and has fights with you when you try and make friends or talk to normal guys or might be making friends. All classic abuser behaviours.

The other poster put their finger on it when they mentioned violence and murder/suicides.Every single one in recent years here showed the same pattern as yours -isolating the woman, putting her in a vulnerable position, a 'close' relationship where the man was controlling and she rarely spoke to others and had no friends and did nothing where he was not there. Financial problems or financial co-dependency. Threats of violence or suicide. It ALWAYS ends badly -for the woman.

You cannot fix this man and you did not do this to him.He was mentally ill and controlling before you knew or first met him .It is not your fault. YOU CANNOT FIX THIS MAN.

You deserve better and so do your parents who love you and would be horrified if they knew what your kindness had exposed you to and what a frightening and appalling situation you found yourself sucked into and twisted in.

Cut all ties and delete your phone. Get a new number. Tell everyone under no circumstance or emergency to give it to anyone. Your parents would be horrified if they knew what he was doing. You were brought up better than to allow this to happen to you. People like him always choose well brought up, kind girls from homes with good values.it allows them to control and psychologically abuse you better. It is so normal you would be horrified if you spent a day in court and could see your story played out over and over.

You owe him nothing. He is a manipulative and cunning man. You owe it to your parents and to your family to find all your courage up and take control of your safety and your own mental health. You absolutely have to get away from this man. He is an abusuer. They also come in nice and funny exteriors - it is often a trademark. It dosnt make them less frightening or to be less afraid of . If he is in hospital now pack your bag and walk away. Tell your boss why. Tell them you are in an abusive relationship and you have to leave. Tell them what we know -that you are afraid of him. Turn off your phone. Take the greyhound a thousand miles or go to the airport and book a flight to another farm where you can extend your visa and work elsewhere where he may not find you. Or come home . Dont ruin yiur dream holiday by staying there any longer in his sphere or having anything else to do with him .

If he is on a short stay/fruitpickers visa the customs authorities or medical authorities will manage him. It is not your mess - just pack a bag and walk away. You dont want to come home shackled to this man for life because you are pregnant or with a life changing injury or in a body bag.

Run away - as far and fast as you can - with or without your backpack - go to the oz police for protection or help if you need - just get away fastfastfast. No explanations, no next week, no when he's better - GO NOW. Just LEAVE HIM Take your passport and money if you have any and if you have to just put a top & sunscreen in your handbag and go for a coffee and leave yiur SIM behind but take the phone - just keep walking - dont look back , dont listen, dont answer back -just go.

Your life may depend on it. And your future certainly does. As does your peace of mind and sanity. It is not all for and about him. You do not want to stay or be part of this anymore. Just GO. Courage -you found it once to travel to the other side of the world and start a new life - now for your health and future you HAVE to do it and find it again. Quickly.

shesty

Or ask yourself this.....you stay a second year.What happens then?
Do you think he's just going to say to you "oh right, your visa's up, you have to go....see you."
Think about it that way.What do you think will happen?And how do you think it will be any easier to leave in a year's time?

Big Bag of Chips

I'm sorry OP, but you have to take responsibility for yourself here. Who is he in Australia with? Are you friends on Facebook? If so look through his friends list and find family members. And contact them. As someone else mentioned he somehow managed in life before you came along. He is a top class manipulator. You've known him a short time and already have had to save him from 3 suicide attempts.

You need to contact a family member, and tell them they need to get to Australia and deal with it. I will tell you something, as a parent, if I thought my child was on the other side of the world having multiple suicide attempts and his "gf" who is in no way qualified to deal with him was taking on the responsibility and not letting me know what was happening, I think if anything did happen she would be the one I would make a beeline for and ask "Why didn't you let us know what was going on".

History has shown you can not "fix" this fella. And to be honest, I think having you around is actually quite damaging for him. It is allowing him to wallow, and become manipulative and not really take any responsibility for his own happiness.... Because that's now your job, and if you don't get it right, that's your fault.

Find his relatives, parents, siblings, cousins, anyone and tell them. Then block him, and move if necessary. The farm you are working on might be able to recommend somewhere else for you and give you a reference.

By keeping this to yourself you are doing nobody any favours.

Ursus Horribilis

If nothing else, you're not qualified to deal with someone like this. It's professional help he needs and that is not something you or any other lay person can give him. And as has been pointed out, you're enabling him and probably making him worse. You cannot save him and the sooner you realise the, the better. For some reason you got reeled in by this character and perhaps he zoned in on you because you're vulnerable too. It's a toxic mix and it's not going to be easy to leave. But you're going to have to take responsibility for your own wellbeing here. Nobody is going to book that flight for you, or pack your bags or get on the bus. It won't get easier if you leave it sit either.

Neyite

You are a regular poster OP, so you've probably seen threads where us mods have edited or snipped suicidal ideation or nipped well meaning offers of PM's to suicidal posters on her from kind-hearted folk.

We don't do this because we are unfeeling - far from it. But we recognise that when someone is in that state of mind, they need the professionals. If he is genuinely suicidal, you are not equipped to help him. You can't.

However threats of suicide are classic markers of abusive relationships, and men and women are equally capable of that kind of manipulation. It's not sustainable though. You've given this bloke 6 months of your life and already he's averaging an attempt every 8 weeks, likely when he senses you pull away from him emotionally. You are a wreck after 6 months, imagine another few years of this? They very rarely actually kill themselves though, unless they misjudge and do it accidentally.

Here's the thing. None of us are responsible for the happiness of another person. It's not your job to do all the things he decides he needs in order to not threaten suicide. If he wants to kill himself, no matter if it was over you leaving - that's NOT YOUR FAULT.

There's a series of things you need to have lined up in order to get yourself out of this:
Have your flight/fare lined up ready to leave in secret. Let on as far as he's concerned you are staying on for the second year. Have you someone here at home you can work out the details with? Or even someone who can come over to you and help you though cutting ties with him and coming home?

Be ready to block all social media and phone numbers so there's no contact - in fact, I'd come off social media entirely so that he can't contact you via well meaning friends.

If you have broken up and he manages to get a message to you that he's harmed himself, the only thing you should be doing is to call the relevant emergency services or a relative of his and under no circumstances should you re-engage with him as that's feeding the act. As an ex you'd be the WORST person he would need, and by you continuing to go back to him it's reinforcing to him that a suicide attempt by him works to keep you at his beck and call. And as long as he continues with the attempts, it keeps you here with him. The hospital need to refer him to the MH team and you need to make it clear he's not your responsibility. Hospitals see people like him all the time and are used to dealing with them.

You need to come home far away as possible from him.

JustAThought

Here is something else you can do before you go.

Ring or send a letter to the Canadian Consulate in Oz. Tell his his name and passport number if you have it handy or Canadian address/ state he is from. Tell them there is a Canadian citizen with serious mental health difficulties alone in Oz who has tried to.kill himself 3 times in the past 4 weeks and can they contact his family please and give the hospital address as a contact. Tell them he is seriously ill and can get they urgently contact his parents/family.

And leave without waiting for the drama that will.follow.

Witchie

I agree with others suggesting that you get in touch with his family or the consulate and let them handle it. That way you know you have done what you can and won't feel guilty.

Then please look after yourself. You are not responsible for him but as a sweet, kind person you want to help. Trust me the best way you can help is getting his family to take over.

Melisandre121

I can’t thank you all enough for these responses because they have given me the strength I need to make a change. His dad is on the way from Canada and the hostel manager is going to collect him to bring him to where John (fake name) is staying, he doesn’t know this though. I have to admit I have been frightened of him for a while and I wasn’t sure why, my gut told me something bad was going to happen and now that he will know I’m leaving him that fear has intensified. I told the manager of the hostel and he’s been great, he’s organised that I stay with a nice woman he knows until he’s out of the country. The dad arrives in a few hours and I was going to go visit to say goodbye but I have decided I don’t think I will, because he’ll be able to suck me in again. Thank you again for all the kind and supportive responses, I’ll post an update over the next few days for anyone who may be interested

Fakediamond

Well done you! Never ignore that gut instinct, it’s a powerful tool in keeping you safe. Don’t go and see him to say goodbye, there’s going to be a lot of drama unfolding there. Just in case he refuses to leave, or runs from his father, have a plan for what you will do in the event that he turns up where you are. It sounds as if the hostel manager also sees the gravity of the situation and will be a good ally.

You’re nearly there now, hold firm, stay safe and hopefully you’ll be able to heal from this and to have a great second year in Oz.

Big Bag of Chips

Do not, under any circumstances go to him to say goodbye. The hostel manager feels your situation is so grave that he has organised a safe place for you to stay to be away from him. He has done that because you have obviously confided your fears, and worries in him. Do not make a mockery of what you have said by going back to get in touch with this fella again. It will only lead to more drama from him.

I know it goes against everything in your being to just disappear and not speak to this fella again. But this isn't a usual situation. It's not a normal breakup. This is a relationship that someone's life is very much at risk. And you are in no position to deal with that. The normal rules for a relationship breakup don't apply here.

You need to disappear. You need to block him, on everything. For the next while you need to not answer calls from numbers you don't recognise. You need to let friends' calls go to voicemail in case he has borrowed their phone. You need to allow a delay in responding to texts, in case it is him using a friends phone, pretending to innocently check you're ok.

I don't think you truly understand the gravity of the situation. And I think until you get away from it, and things settle and maybe weeks or even months pass, only then will you appreciate what you were caught up in. You need to stay away from him now, and do not be tempted to check in and see if he's ok. Do not be tempted to do it in a few weeks, or months. Get away, and stay away.

Redser87

Well done Mellisandre, making that call took real courage. You'll need to be brave for a little bit longer so that you don't get sucked back in, as you say. Change your number and as someone said earlier, only give it to trusted people with strict instructions not to pass it on to anybody. Block him on social media and make sure your profile is private.
I admire you so much for having taken this step and I hope you'll go on to have a brilliant time in Australia.

HelgaWard

You've done the best thing. Hopefully he'll go home and get the help he needs with his family to support him. Mind yourself now, try and enjoy the rest of your time in Oz, and think carefully about what info you post on social media, changing your number etc. It would definitely be best to have a complete clean break, where you don't look him profiles and he can't look up yours. You don't want him landing back to where you are in 6 months.

Neyite

That was very courageous and mature of you - well done!

Given the circumstances, it would be unkind to meet him or contact him to say goodbye. I know it doesn't feel that way but it's the truth right now.

Getting his father to come and get him and bring him home to get help speaks volumes more than anything you could say in a goodbye meeting about why you did it this way. In time, he will likely see that you abruptly cut contact out of kindness and concern for him.

But right now he will only see it as some sort of betrayal now because he's not well.

Arrival

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I can’t thank you all enough for these responses because they have given me the strength I need to make a change. His dad is on the way from Canada and the hostel manager is going to collect him to bring him to where John (fake name) is staying, he doesn’t know this though. I have to admit I have been frightened of him for a while and I wasn’t sure why, my gut told me something bad was going to happen and now that he will know I’m leaving him that fear has intensified. I told the manager of the hostel and he’s been great, he’s organised that I stay with a nice woman he knows until he’s out of the country. The dad arrives in a few hours and I was going to go visit to say goodbye but I have decided I don’t think I will, because he’ll be able to suck me in again. Thank you again for all the kind and supportive responses, I’ll post an update over the next few days for anyone who may be interested

Well done. Over the next few days, please look into your options for therapy/counselling as you are going to need it to move on from all of this and learn about how to avoid similar people and relationships in the future. Look after yourself and be sure to stay completely no contact for good!

B0jangles

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I can’t thank you all enough for these responses because they have given me the strength I need to make a change. His dad is on the way from Canada and the hostel manager is going to collect him to bring him to where John (fake name) is staying, he doesn’t know this though. I have to admit I have been frightened of him for a while and I wasn’t sure why, my gut told me something bad was going to happen and now that he will know I’m leaving him that fear has intensified. I told the manager of the hostel and he’s been great, he’s organised that I stay with a nice woman he knows until he’s out of the country. The dad arrives in a few hours and I was going to go visit to say goodbye but I have decided I don’t think I will, because he’ll be able to suck me in again. Thank you again for all the kind and supportive responses, I’ll post an update over the next few days for anyone who may be interested

Well done! You're doing all the right things and your instincts are telling you the truth - you need to escape, you need to protect yourself at this point.

The highlighted line is really important I think - it's like you originally saw this man as if he was (metaphorically) trapped in a whirlpool and drowning. You swam out to help and got trapped in the same whirlpool, and have slowly come to realise that he's the one creating it. You need to break free and swim to safety or you'll drown.

Whether or no he consciously knows he is creating this situation is irrelevant - intentionally or not, he will destroy you; you need to get away.

wiggle16

So glad you've done what you needed to do, you've done right by yourself and right by him too. You can get your life back to yourself again.

Best of luck and mind yourself x

JustAThought

I am so relieved and thrilled to see that you have found the strength and courage to get help and leave. Your hostel.manager sounds like a wise and amazing guy (gal?) and DO NOT FEEL the Irish Guilt and give innand say or see ANYTHING of him before he goes - that is when things will be MOST VOLATILE and emotional and dangerous for you. Perhaps someone can sit with you and see that your are distracted and not on facebook/phone/anything. Stay strong and keep utterly focused - you have been so corageous and found such help - do not get sucked back in now like you have before when you were trying to leave. For you it is over. You have helped him all you could and his family are.now going to get him the psychiatric and proper medical intervention and mental help he needs . Look back on your posts and see how hopeful and happy you were before you went to Oz and how normal your worries and dreams were. You have enabled yourself to have a happy hopeful laughter and adventire filled future - and not one of jealousy and control and undercover violence and fear and apprehension and control by this man you met and barely knew who wanted to own and control you and imprison you with him. Do not go near fb and lock your profile to friends only - not friends of friends - and stay off it for a good long while. Change your sim and number and keep thtat off fb too. Tell other the truth so they make sure he can not twist them to reach you. You have an amazing year ahead of you. Try and put this appalling time of fear and emotional control and fake suicides behind you and have the young happy carefree year you deserve and worked so hard to save for and have.

And above all tell the father -or ask the manager to say it to.him - that you do not want any.updates or contact from either the son or the family - thank you - you would prefer to leave them to deal with the matter in theor family privately and not to involve you or get in contact again.

Well done. I was so worried about you. This was so serious. Thank God you are almost free. Do not let him suck you back in - this is when it is most dangerous - and dont get guilted into future updates or contact by the father. Guilt him back - "dont you think I have suffered enough because of your son who I am afraid of. I wish you well, but it is time for me to have peace and.my.life back - please delete.my number and make sure he does not ever contact me again".

Now deep.breaths and have an amazing Oz. Put this whole voetex of violence behind you and get working on your happiness and adventure and YOUR future.

Melisandre121

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

Peatys

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

What advice do you think you're going to get other than what's already been posted? You can do nothing for him. You didn't mess up with Gmail, you messed up by sitting with him for hours and now he thinks he is back in.

You could have just deleted the mail.

Anyone who genuinely wants to kill themselves does it quickly and quietly so as not to get caught.

Anyone who "tries" it three times is emotionally holding you too ransom. Strange how to were there to stop the bleeding and call an ambulance each time, no?

otnomart

I know it is hard for you,
but do not forget that you are not qualified to help him,
the best help that you can give him is to cut contact and let his family and qualified professionals take care of him.

And you, you have to take care of yourself.
Please continue with your plan and move out and cut contact, do not tell him where you go.

Skibunny77

I don't think posting here will help you. You have been given consistent advice but emotionally you are caught up in the abusive rekationship dynamic. This isn't partnership, it is dependency. Arrange a counsellor for yourself ASAP, I'm sure there are free domestic violence counselling services in Australia. You need more support than this thread can offer imho

Ursus Horribilis

So where is his father?

Neyite

That's exactly what posters on here knew would happen and hoped you'd avoid it.

This is why you need to NOT talk to him any more. He is not your problem any more. You passed it on to his family. Whether or not he goes home with his dad is NOT your business or concern.

This is your only option. Or else you can continue being his emotional punch-bag and recipient for all his threats and ruin your own mental health in the process until one of his drama-fuelled attempts actually accidentally works or worse yet, he decides you both need to die and you become just another murder-suicide statistic.

This is the site for domestic abuse help in Australia. Please read it. Here's a map to click on for your local support services. Contact someone before it's your parent going to Austrailia to bring you home in a box.

Did reading that make your blood run cold? I hope it's shocked you enough to properly block him once and for all.

He is NOT safe to be around. Right now he's spiralling, he's seeing his control of you slip away and his father on the way to get him. Time to make you do what he wants is running out for him and he will be getting desperate. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she has ended or trying to leave the relationship. The ONLY way to stay safe is to not go near him, not read any messages or emails.

Emme

Neyite wrote: »

That's exactly what posters on here knew would happen and hoped you'd avoid it.

This is why you need to NOT talk to him any more. He is not your problem any more. You passed it on to his family. Whether or not he goes home with his dad is NOT your business or concern.

This is your only option. Or else you can continue being his emotional punch-bag and recipient for all his threats and ruin your own mental health in the process until one of his drama-fuelled attempts actually accidentally works or worse yet, he decides you both need to die and you become just another murder-suicide statistic.

This is the site for domestic abuse help in Australia. Please read it. Here's a map to click on for your local support services. Contact someone before it's your parent going to Austrailia to bring you home in a box.

Did reading that make your blood run cold? I hope it's shocked you enough to properly block him once and for all.

He is NOT safe to be around. Right now he's spiralling, he's seeing his control of you slip away and his father on the way to get him. Time to make you do what he wants is running out for him and he will be getting desperate. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she has ended or trying to leave the relationship. The ONLY way to stay safe is to not go near him, not read any messages or emails.

OP PLEASE heed this very wise advice, especially the bits that are in bold. Did you just meet him at the hostel or does he know where you are staying? If he doesn't YOU MUST NOT LET HIM KNOW.

Emotional abusers pick people they can manipulate. That's why he picked you. You need to get counselling so you can protect yourself emotionally going forward. Domestic violence counselling would be the most appropriate for you now.

Remember NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN.

If he is refusing to go home with his father that between him and his father. You need to get the FXXX out of Dodge away from him.

zapper55

Op the reason people are so concerned for you is that they are afraid he's going to hurt you. Or kill you. Nothing you've written has disproved that.

Read this for ways to block Gmails https://www.lifewire.com/how-to-block-a-sender-in-gmail-1172072

Ursus Horribilis

Please don't contact him again. By turning up like this, you have thrown a spanner in the works big time. If his family are trying to get him home, the last thing they need is you interfering. You are not qualified to help him in any way. In fact, you continuing to interfere like this could very jeopardising any chance he has to get the help he needs.

And yes, I 100% agree with everything Neyite has said. He is spiralling and God only knows what he could do next to you or him. Or both of ye.

Big Bag of Chips

What did you talk about for hours? What did you say to him? Did you make promises to him? Promises to stay in touch? Promises to not leave him? He is manipulating you 100%. Your feelings aren't a consideration for him, at all. He doesn't actually care about you, or how this is affecting you. All he cares about is himself and getting what he wants. It's the nature of the illness. He is incapable of seeing beyond himself. He is in no position to look out for your wellbeing. It is entirely irrelevant to him. You are the only one who can lookout for you now.

He will be ok. He managed life before you. He'll manage life after you. You are not qualified to help him or support him. You are not in a position to. And no matter how well meaning you are, things you say to him might actually be making the situation worse.

You got unanimous advice here. You ignored it.
Please listen to it now. His father is there. Let him deal with him.

Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, and I'm not saying this to be cruel but I am beginning to wonder if you're not getting some kind of weird fulfillment out of all this too. Why oh why else would you have gone to see him after he emailed you? Or even read the frickin email in the first place???

It seems to me you've been so sucked into this drama that part of you is actually enjoying your part in it. I really think you should go home and get yourself some counselling. You're clearly not equipped to be travelling alone. I'm aware of how harsh that sounds but please believe that it's coming from a genuine place. You're clearly a very vulnerable, needy and naive person and right now I'm not confident that even if you do manage to rid yourself of this leech (and quite frankly that's currently looking like a big "if") you won't just end up in the same or a similar situation slightly further down the line.

Go home to your family, to your support network. And get some help for your own issues. Please.

pwurple

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

This is hard. I feel for you. I left a relationship like this, and it was incredibly difficult. I felt like the cruelest person on the planet. He did the whole lot... "How can you do this to me, I love you so much", and a crying man is something we typically don't see either, so it has shock impact. 
I had to do it. Put on my big girl pants, set my face like stone, switched on some hardcore music on my headphones, and did it.  But I had support when I felt like slipping, and maybe this is what you lack. You need your family, your friends, someone to back you up on this. Us online strangers are great an' all, but someone in the flesh will be better.

Oh yes, and this thread reminded me of that bloke, who I left 20 years ago.. looked him up on the old FB. He's fine. Married, a couple of kids, working. Much better off for us splitting up our miserable relationship.

wiggle16

Hi OP

Why would he go with his father when you're still there, to torment and feed on?

You need to leave. To tell the truth you would be selfish to stay with him. You're not of any help to him. And more importantly you need to protect yourself.

So please, just leave.

MissShihTzu

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I messed up, I couldn’t figure how to block him on Gmail and he emailed me and then came round to the hostel. I decided to go have a quick chat, that quick chat turned into hours and I left but now I feel so sick and I miss him so much. He is mentally unwell and I don’t know what to do. He was crying his eyes out begging me not to leave and trying to hold onto me. It’s taking every bit of me not to go back and see how he is. He is refusing to go home with his dad. I know I need to be strong and walk away but it’s incredibly hard.

Look. I don't want to be seen as unkind, but why the HELL did you decide to go and see him after all you've posted and the advice you've been given?? I just don't get it.

You could have just deleted the mail as suggested and Googled 'How to block someone's address' You didn't. You went of your own free will to visit him 'for a quick chat'. You must have known good and well it wouldn't be a quick 'see you later' and wave you off on your merry way.


Only you can answer these questions, but I seriously think he is not the only one who needs help. Please read over the advice given after your update and ACT ON IT!! PLEASE!!!

NiceFella

This guy is manipulative even if he's unconsciously doing it to make you feel bad for him. They target good empathetic people and feed off them. It's a no Brainer. Just up and leave with no explanation. Don't try and discuss it with him because he'll just emotionally black mail you. Best of luck.

Redser87

OP without you there he is much more likely to go home with his dad. For your sake and his, cut and run and never look back.

SirChenjin

There is not a whole lot more that can be said, OP.

For your own sake, please do heed the advice given here. You are not doing anyone any good in the current situation, either yourself or him.

This situation is far, far beyond your control, or abilities - there is nothing you can do that will help him. Nothing. He needs professional help, and if you are off the scene, he is more likely to be persuaded by his dad, or health professionals to get the required help.

Think of the advice given on board a plane, in the safety demo, look after yourself, before attending to anyone else
Get support for yourself in real life, as soon as possible, be it through counselling, friends or family. Take care.