I like my girlfriend but am not ready to commit to one person.

LegacyUser · 17-07-2018 05:10PM #1

I have been seeing a girl for six or seven months. It has been a fairly casual relationship so far, but it feels like now is the time either for it to become serious, or to end it. We are both in our early thirties, but despite my age, this is the longest and most serious relationship I have been in, so I am fairly inexperienced and immature when it comes to these things, and I am in unchartered territory here.

I like this girl a lot, and enjoy spending time with her, and I know she likes me a lot too. The problem is, that while I am attracted to her, I feel that my connection with her is more emotional than physical, and I have a strong desire to be with other women. I know that this desire is selfish, greedy and probably unhealthy in the long run, but it something that comes up again and again and I feel it will become an elephant in the room which will keep rearing its ugly head in the relationship down the line if we stay together. I realise that everyone who is in a relationship has to deal with these desires, and that it is normal, but it is something that plays on my mind a lot, and I don't feel I am ready to commit to one person in the long term yet.

Yesterday I was with her and I broke down crying and told her that I really liked her, but that I didn't think the relationship would work out, and that I wasn't ready to commit. She said we didn't have to commit to each other and that we didn't have to put a label on the relationship if I didn't want to. We went home together, but the conversation didn't end definitively and the relationship is up in the air now, though we are still texting back and forth. It is grand not to make commitments and not to put labels on things, but I feel like there will eventually have to be either a commitment or it will have to end and I think it is better to do this sooner rather than later, especially given that we are both in our thirties. So I think the best thing to do is to end it definitively, but the thought of leaving her, and hurting her, breaks my heart. I am really torn and have been in bits in work today.

I know only I can decide what to do here, but I would appreciate if anyone who has experience of such a situation could give their two cents because, as I said above, I am in unchartered territory. I am male btw. Thanks.

leggo · 17-07-2018 09:16PM

I mean, there's a lot going on there. Like OP, you say you understand and accept that we all have these desires. Do you ever want to have a long-term relationship or would you be happy living the bachelor life until you die? That's kinda what we all face unless you're in a poly situation (and that means being okay with your partner doing other stuff too)...and then we meet someone who it's worth it to give everything up for. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect, if that's what you're waiting for, you sacrifice some stuff (like getting to have sex with other people) but the net gain is much better. You won't ever meet someone who makes you stop fancying other people though. It just doesn't happen. You're just happy being with who you're with so you're okay fancying the others and leaving it there.

I'm torn between taking you at face value in that you're actually not ready or if it's something else, because breaking down crying and saying that the idea of leaving them breaks your heart isn't congruent behaviour with wanting to sow your wild oats and not be tied down. It's more consistent with meeting someone you really like and not expecting it. Does your heart break because you don't want to stop doing what you're doing? Or does it break because you're being a bit arrogant and thinking "Oh she is going to be devastated when she loses ME!" Because, if it's the latter, you can chill there. Nobody wants to be somebody's plan B and if you feel that way and told her, she'd probably be totally happy to move on.

The last possibility is: are you trying to fill a void by wanting all these other women? Is there some self-esteem issues going on there on your part? Keep in mind, you probably won't consciously know if there is, so I'm asking you to ask yourself honestly. Most people in their 30's have done their casual ridin' phase, and though it's your life and totally fine to do with it what you like, what is it you're waiting on or hoping to achieve beyond this now you've met someone you like? I know a lad I'd often slag as being "on a mission to ride the world", but in truth he's totally unhappy with his love life and has just convinced himself that eventually he's going to ride enough women that it all makes sense. The problem is within himself and trying to address it through sticking his dick in as many things as possible haven't improved the situation one iota in years of knowing him.

So do some soul-searching about why it is you're actively pushing away from someone you like and settling down, when you consider that most people your age would also be content with that. Stay away from telling yourself anything foolishly arrogant like, "I guess I just want and deserve more from the world"...that's all windy crap deflecting from the issue. Take this moment, and the patience of this girl, to get to the bottom of this honestly before you throw away something you may not get again for the sake of a few rides.

Mr. Incognito · 19-07-2018 09:54AM

Hello there.

Welcome to life. We all have deisres and the grass is greener syndrome.

For some people it can be a fear or rejection so they dont commit to one partner or for others they can simply be addicted to the thrill of the chase. There is a sex and love addiction group active in Dublin if you want more information.

Its unrealistic to think that one person will suppress your desires for others. People are not built to be monogomous and it is a recent evolutionary trait to marry for love. People married for position and power and love was secondary. Marriage was for duty. Mistresses or lovers were for fun and you will see this is all historical fables, medevial novels etc

I think you need to separate

1. Your issues around relationships and perhaps seek Counselling/ Help for that.

2. This relationship and the triggers it seems to be hitting.

I think this lady has the right idea. Don't let it get too serious too soon and look after your own psychological welfare and needs first.

LegacyUser · 19-07-2018 05:07PM

It's not deviant to not want to be in a 'proper relationship', no matter what your age is, and it sounds like you were really, really hoping that having that chat with your girlfriend would have been the end of things, rather than a segue into a new label-free relationship. It is ok to properly break up with her. It is also ok to see other people, casually. You should just be way, way more clear that you only want things to be casual and there's no possibility of a relationship in it for you so that you don't end up in this situation again. You're not trapped, you just need to be very honest, take the short term pain of hurting this woman, be as nice to her as possible while absolutely closing the door on *any* relationship and mind yourself a bit better as you meet other women. Women who don't want a relationship either do exist.

nikkibikki · 20-07-2018 04:50PM

Amerigo Vespucci wrote:

I realise that everyone who is in a relationship has to deal with these desires, and that it is normal, but it is something that plays on my mind a lot, and I don't feel I am ready to commit to one person in the long term yet.

I must be abnormal so.....I have no desire to be with anyone but my husband. Sure, I can appreciate a good looking man and this he is physically attractive. But I don't want to be "with" anybody else. I never did.

You've spoken to your girlfriend. She says ye don't need to commit. She seems happy enough with that. Does that allay your worries a bit? Maybe have another chat with her about what she wants for the future. Not necessarily with you, just in general for yourself. Does she want marriage and kids etc. And do you? Ask yourself that and be honest with both yourself and her. Don't answer what you think society wants you to do.

And also, emotional connection is much harder to come by than a purely physical one.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-07-2018 09:10AM

I think rather than telling her you don't want to commit, you need to tell her that you actively want to see other people too, and see where that conversation leads to. The worst thing you could do, is settle and then go on to cheat on her. Let her know you want to sleep with others. You never know, she might be fine with that.

Edit: If you feel your emotional connection is stronger than your physical attraction, then it sounds like you're friends. You're not going to feel that 'chemistry' or attraction to everyone, and just because you like her, doesn't mean you want to settle down with her. It's ok to realise that a relationship isn't progressing into what you need it to, and it is ok to say its not working. You can try remain friends, but really will be up to her, if she wants to.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2018 12:13PM

Hi, OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate that people took the time to give such detailed and non-judgmental advice. These all helped me in dealing with this and in seeing things from different perspectives. The issue has been dealt with now and the thread can be closed. Thanks again.

I like my girlfriend but am not ready to commit to one person.

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