Bride being unreasonable

LegacyUser · 20-06-2018 07:08PM #1

Hi folks,

Wondering if i could get some perspective from you fine people about a situation I find myself in. I'll try to keep it brief.

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend of mine. There are 4 other bridesmaids all from the same friend group. The bride has set her heart on a hen in Spain next July. Only problem for me is that another old friend is getting married in Italy the same weekend as it. I obviously would like to go to this, as would at least one other bridesmaid.
As the hen is a year away and nothing has been booked yet I asked the bride if there was any other weekend she would consider during the summer that we could have the hen instead. I expected her to say no as she's already been a bit of a bridezilla about other things and made a comment while we were out that if anyone (not bridesmaids) didn't go to her hen they weren't going to get an invite to the wedding.
What I didn't expect was her to absolutely fly off the handle at me about it. She said she was shocked that I even asked her to change and that I was a disgrace for even suggesting it. She said it was unbelievable that any sane person would ask a bride to change her "hen month" or arrange anything to do with their wedding around them. She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend. We haven't spoken since so I don't know what's going on or if I'm still even a bridesmaid.
I was happy enough that I would have to miss the wedding in Italy for the hen party anyway but I thought there was no harm in at least asking if any other weekend would suit that we could go instead. It would've been a non-event if she'd just said no and that was it but the fact that she reacted that way has actually shocked me. I'm so hurt about this and I don't know how to approach her at all. I don't want to apologise just to keep the peace because I don't think that I've done anything wrong at all. I don't even know if I want to still be her bridesmaid after this.

What do you guys think? Was I unreasonable to ask the question at all?? Am I selfish?

bee06 · 20-06-2018 09:22PM

You are mad to even doubt yourself on this. She is being absolutely ridiculous! Nobody gets a hen month or a wedding year or any other crap that some brides seem to think is acceptable. The fact that she is even demanding a hen weekend in Spain is selfish on her part.

She’ll have no-one left to go to her wedding if she carries on like this for the next year.

banie01 · 20-06-2018 09:25PM

Luck escape, the "bride" is clearly a wagon if that was her reaction.

wirelessdude01 · 20-06-2018 09:25PM

Dump her selfish ass and leave her behind. Do you really want something like that as a friend or want to be associated with her wedding?

Toots · 20-06-2018 09:26PM

No, you're not selfish. She sounds utterly insane, and TBH even if she came grovelling on bended knee, you'd be mad to continue as a bridesmaid. She's obviously a total bridezilla and I'd say there'll be plenty more strops like that as the wedding day draws closer, and as bridesmaid you'd be nearest in the firing line and most likely to be the target of her ire.

zapper55 · 20-06-2018 09:27PM

You weren't unreasonable. She sounds like she's lost the plot altogether. I wouldn't apologise or even extend an olive branch tbh.

When did ye have this conversation? Maybe with time to calm down she'll apologise. But you haven't done anything wrong. This is not normal behaviour for a bride in my experience.

nikkibikki · 20-06-2018 09:27PM

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote:

What do you guys think? Was I unreasonable to ask the question at all?? Am I selfish?

The only thing unreasonable was her reaction.

Number 1, expecting people to go abroad for a hen? I wouldn't be able to afford that and would struggle to attend the wedding. If she gets her knickers in a twist about people not going to her hen, that's your first red bridezilla flag.

Secondly, when nothing was booked for her hen and she rudely refused to even entertain the possibility that it might be possible to change the date, red bridezilla flag number 2.

Yes, it's HER day and all that but it doesn't give her the excuse to be rude and mean.

mojesius · 20-06-2018 09:29PM

Jesus she sounds like a nightmare. Go to the wedding in Italy, enjoy it and don't contact her again unless she apologises profusely to you for her behaviour. How bloody self-centred some people are? She'll only get worse closer to her wedding.

c.p.w.g.w · 20-06-2018 09:30PM

Wow people can get really work up about what is essentially a party

LegacyUser · 20-06-2018 09:35PM

Thanks for the responses guys. It was about a week ago at this point and we've not spoken since. I thought I'd give her some space to think about it but she hasn't contacted me at all since then. Her sister has commented to another bridesmaid that I was bang out of order to even ask her to move the hen for me. This is what has made me doubt myself.

I was going to send her a message saying that I still disagreed with her opinion on me but that we could just move past this and get on with things. I don't want to appear like I'm grovelling to her though. I couldn't care less if she ditched me from the wedding party. I wanted to be the bigger person and offer an olive branch but not apologise or give her a pass. If she says then that she doesn't want to be friends anymore (like we're 5 or something) then so be it.

wiggle16 · 20-06-2018 09:44PM

Jesus. Hen MONTH??

No OP, you haven't done anything wrong. You aren't being unreasonable or selfish. Not in the slightest.

The hen's is a year away. She could easily have changed that weekend to another or reached some other compromise, or simply said "no I can't change it, but I hope you can still be there". It's not like you are asking her change the wedding date. Her reaction would be understandable if you had asked her to change the groom, not the hen weekend.

She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend.
If that's how she feels I don't think she is a massive loss to you, and I'm not quick to advocate dropping people. Planning a wedding can bring out the worst in some brides but I've never understood why so many think they are allowed to act like that - totally entitled, self-involved, conceited and vain. She should be disgusted with herself for treating you like this, not with you.

She is supposed to be your friend. Just because she is getting married doesn't mean she can treat you any way she likes. Just because you are her bridesmaid doesn't mean you have to conform to her every whim and plan your life around her. Her wedding is not more important then anyone else's wedding, she has no right to act like she can buy and sell you because you were asked to be bridesmaid. And personally I don't think I'd want to smile for someone's wedding photos if they would treat me like that.

Being a bridesmaid is supposed to make you closer as friends, you choose to involve people in a very important event in your life. Instead she's being a megalomaniac.

She owes you a grovelling apology, OP. No two ways about it, don't back down until you get one.

All she had to say was "no".

AndyBoBandy · 20-06-2018 09:52PM

This has all the ingredients for a Bridezilla 2.0 Thread!! Like the last one with the crazy bride!! (Selfishly from the sheer entertainment aspect of it all you should go)

But seriously OP, sounds you’ve dodged a bullet here. Would a true friend react the way this so called ‘friend’ reacted?

Im a man and I get that women treat their wedding as a hugely important occasion, but she honestly sounds like a head case!!

Hen party in Spain?? What about a weekend in Galway? (Unless your all from galway of course)

Colser · 20-06-2018 10:05PM

She's done you a huge favour here by handing you a get out reason from what will undoubtedly be a complete head wreck of a wedding.I'd gladly step down from being bridesmaid and from being her "friend " and any sane person who hears the reason why will agree completely with you.You can be sure that there will be plenty more drama before that hen or wedding take place ..if they will ever even take place with her ridiculous attitude.

I'd be going to Italy if I were you and f**K her..what an absolute lunatic.

Arrival · 20-06-2018 10:46PM

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

Thanks for the responses guys. It was about a week ago at this point and we've not spoken since. I thought I'd give her some space to think about it but she hasn't contacted me at all since then. Her sister has commented to another bridesmaid that I was bang out of order to even ask her to move the hen for me. This is what has made me doubt myself.

I was going to send her a message saying that I still disagreed with her opinion on me but that we could just move past this and get on with things. I don't want to appear like I'm grovelling to her though. I couldn't care less if she ditched me from the wedding party. I wanted to be the bigger person and offer an olive branch but not apologise or give her a pass. If she says then that she doesn't want to be friends anymore (like we're 5 or something) then so be it.

Don't do that, it's up to her to fix this ridiculous situation because she's the one that acted so unreasonably. To be honest, why do you even want to remain friends with such a nutter? I don't think you'd be losing much from your life. The fact her sister reassures her that she's in the right doesn't give much hope. Absolute clowns

December2012 · 20-06-2018 11:29PM

She doesn't think that much of you if she is willing to dump your entire friendship over what she (wrongly) perceives is a slight against her.

She's in the wrong. not you.

rainbowtrout · 21-06-2018 12:07AM

You've had a lucky escape before you've actually had to spend money on this wedding. I wouldn't even entertain contacting her to clear the air. She's not going to be reasonable about this, especially when she has a sister in her ear saying you're the unreasonable one.

Book your flights to Italy and forget about this wedding. The other three bridesmaids are going to be in the firing line for the next year and will be on the receiving end of the same treatment. Consider yourself lucky that you're getting out now.

I Am_Not_Ice · 21-06-2018 01:32AM

OP, this person is unimaginably selfish and has finally shown you who she really is. Believe her. She's not lying to you; she really is that awful. It's just taken a while for her true colours to seep their way through to the surface.

Drop her like a hot brick and never look back.

TomOnBoard · 21-06-2018 01:42AM

If she's like this over a year b4 her wedding, WTF is she going to be like as ye get closer?

These self-absorbed Bridezillas should not be entertained! Hen-MONTH FFS!!

Jeez, it'll be a lucky man that gets her!!! I'd say the poor lad is eatin' Valium already!!

The_Honeybadger · 21-06-2018 01:42AM

OP your friend is bonkers, if she tries to mend things with you fair enough, give her another chance but I wouldn’t be pursuing it from your end. Guaranteed that won’t be the last drama to do with the wedding either.

JustAThought · 21-06-2018 03:18AM

Shocking behaviour from her particularly as there is a mutual friend to consider and nothing is booked yet. Its really irrational and tbh she should have called and said it was a heat of the moment overaction and apologised.

If the other girl isnt a great friend and you want to go to Spain and cant afford both but is she paying for the hen? Or are you all going to be splitting her costs and taking a hit for her financially too as is the norm ?

Regardless I would decide what I really want long term and put it to her that her reaction was ott given that nothing has been decided and tell her that both you and another bridesmaid would like to attend the other hen & also dont want to miss hers - surely she wants her friends to.go and enjoy it and celebrate with her and not get sucked into small mindedness and uncaring planning. She isnt planning on bankrolling it is she?

If youve been friends forever you dont want to lose the friendship but she needs to.understand that it is her big day and that you will be taking time from work and using holidays and spending your savings on supporting her wishes and making sure she is surrounded by her friends but that you need her to understand that although you look forward to.it and will enjoy it that it is a considerable cost to you . Her spend on tge wedding is for all her dreams and personal choices and that there is a pricetag on supporting her from.your personal savings. She will bang on about all her costs but the response it 'but that is your choice to spend that amount or to do that -not mine'.

I wouldnt be throwing vack the bridesmaid dress but if you wanted to back out of it you could put it to her that the financial stress and pressure of being a bridesmaid is only dawning on you and you would prefer to celebrate (and hopefully still attend) her wedding as a friend not a bridesmaid. That will leave you clear to enjoy the hen, or not, and not have to be part of paying forher oart of the hen,the flights/meals out/night of entertainment and drinking/ God knows what else including the trial profesional.makeup/bridesmaid dress/shoes/jewelery/hair/makeup/champagne/hotelroom/trial dinner/post event BBQ etc
All of which seem to be a routine part of the burden of being a bridesmaid-slave. You can have the craic without the expense and still be there.

Most brides buzz off after the wedding into bride and baby land and are rarely seen again after the honeymoon & gifts - she will be spending all her time with him.and nesting her house - if you are ambivilent now could be the easy way to claim an out and still attend without being a screaming bag and target for her selfish,demanding and unreasonable behaviour for the next year. ðŸ˜®

Noo · 21-06-2018 04:03AM

I would much perfer a wedding in italy over a hens in spain anyday. Cant add much more to what others are saying but just sit back and watch the other bridesmaids come running, they'll be dropping like flies if she carries on like this.

linpoo · 21-06-2018 05:51AM

She sounds like a total b!tch. I've done bridesmaid twice on the last 7 months and never did my friends go on like this nor would it have been accepted. For both I was under no pressure to attend the hens even though I organised 1 hens.

No way would I be her bridesmaid now even if she gives a grovelling apology. She's not much of a friend either! Who needs 5 bridesmaids!!!

LegacyUser · 21-06-2018 06:22AM

It would only be the start of her demands, such a lucky escape. I can imagine her on hens having the best of everything at others expense. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she specifically chose that weekend clashing with the other wedding to test your “loyalty”. Don’t be letting them get away with the asking you to change whole hen to suit you phrasing either, you asked re. possibility on basis you’ve another wedding abroad on same date. She sounds like a complete and absolute nightmare you’ll miss nothing but a year plus of stress.

21-06-2018 07:27AM

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

Only problem for me is that another old friend is getting married in Italy the same weekend as it. I obviously would like to go to this, as would at least one other bridesmaid.

I’m curious to know what the other bridesmaid plans on doing, it would be fun to see her reaction to losing two bridesmaids

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

She said it was unbelievable that any sane person would ask a bride to change her "hen month"

Oh the irony

padser · 21-06-2018 07:32AM

linpoo wrote: »

Who needs 5 bridesmaids!!!

In her defence, if anyone needs 5 bridesmaids it will be her.

Sure the attrition rate will be huge

RhubarbCrumble · 21-06-2018 09:47AM

God OP, she sounds like a nightmare! You have done NOTHING wrong. She's the one at fault here. Go to Italy and enjoy the wedding there. To be honest, if it was me and if by any unlikely chance she did come back and grovel, I'd be telling her I wasn't interested in being a bridesmaid anymore.

seamus · 21-06-2018 09:48AM

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend. We haven't spoken since so I don't know what's going on or if I'm still even a bridesmaid.

You're well shot tbh.

I know of many long-term friendships that have been sunk by bridal craziness. It's not a temporary thing - these people have always been that selfish and unreasonable, but getting married ramps it up to 1000.

I know one woman who had four bridesmaids, none of whom have spoken to her since the wedding a decade ago. They didn't even want to go in the end, but gritted their teeth for the sake of it, and after that it was over. They'd all known eachother for 20 years and she lost them all because she's a psychopath.

Stay in touch with the other bridesmaids (assuming they're your friends), but let the bride come and grovel to you if she values your friendship. If you never hear from her again, then clearly you thought far more highly of her than she did of you. Disappointing, but such is life.

kupus · 21-06-2018 10:40AM

if this is what she is like and the date is not even near, imagine what she will be like as the date comes closer.

you dodged a bullet.

delete her phone number.

count your blessings and move on

Neyite · 21-06-2018 12:36PM

She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend.

You aren't her bridesmaid any more. She made it very clear with that sentence. She's probably already found some poor sucker off the subs bench for your bridesmaid role.

In time you'll realise that she unwittingly did you the biggest favour ever by ending your friendship.

FWIW, you did absolutely nothing wrong in asking.

21-06-2018 01:26PM

I agree with the rest here and including yourself to not contact her unless she opens her mouth to apologise. She sounds like a nutjob that needs a reality check. Just because it's a hen, doesn't mean everyone should be involved if she's going to act absoulety selfish and abusive. Her family don't seem to be helping which is particularlity selfish of them too! You deserve to be at that wedding in Italy!

valoren · 21-06-2018 02:04PM

Take the money you'd have wasted on expenses for that nutter's wedding and use it to extend your stay in Italy for the wedding

Bride being unreasonable

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