Bride being unreasonable

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Wondering if i could get some perspective from you fine people about a situation I find myself in. I'll try to keep it brief.

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend of mine. There are 4 other bridesmaids all from the same friend group. The bride has set her heart on a hen in Spain next July. Only problem for me is that another old friend is getting married in Italy the same weekend as it. I obviously would like to go to this, as would at least one other bridesmaid.
As the hen is a year away and nothing has been booked yet I asked the bride if there was any other weekend she would consider during the summer that we could have the hen instead. I expected her to say no as she's already been a bit of a bridezilla about other things and made a comment while we were out that if anyone (not bridesmaids) didn't go to her hen they weren't going to get an invite to the wedding.
What I didn't expect was her to absolutely fly off the handle at me about it. She said she was shocked that I even asked her to change and that I was a disgrace for even suggesting it. She said it was unbelievable that any sane person would ask a bride to change her "hen month" or arrange anything to do with their wedding around them. She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend. We haven't spoken since so I don't know what's going on or if I'm still even a bridesmaid.
I was happy enough that I would have to miss the wedding in Italy for the hen party anyway but I thought there was no harm in at least asking if any other weekend would suit that we could go instead. It would've been a non-event if she'd just said no and that was it but the fact that she reacted that way has actually shocked me. I'm so hurt about this and I don't know how to approach her at all. I don't want to apologise just to keep the peace because I don't think that I've done anything wrong at all. I don't even know if I want to still be her bridesmaid after this.

What do you guys think? Was I unreasonable to ask the question at all?? Am I selfish?

bee06

You are mad to even doubt yourself on this. She is being absolutely ridiculous! Nobody gets a hen month or a wedding year or any other crap that some brides seem to think is acceptable. The fact that she is even demanding a hen weekend in Spain is selfish on her part.

She’ll have no-one left to go to her wedding if she carries on like this for the next year.

banie01

Luck escape, the "bride" is clearly a wagon if that was her reaction.

wirelessdude01

Dump her selfish ass and leave her behind. Do you really want something like that as a friend or want to be associated with her wedding?

Toots

No, you're not selfish. She sounds utterly insane, and TBH even if she came grovelling on bended knee, you'd be mad to continue as a bridesmaid. She's obviously a total bridezilla and I'd say there'll be plenty more strops like that as the wedding day draws closer, and as bridesmaid you'd be nearest in the firing line and most likely to be the target of her ire.

zapper55

You weren't unreasonable. She sounds like she's lost the plot altogether. I wouldn't apologise or even extend an olive branch tbh.

When did ye have this conversation? Maybe with time to calm down she'll apologise. But you haven't done anything wrong. This is not normal behaviour for a bride in my experience.

nikkibikki

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote:

What do you guys think? Was I unreasonable to ask the question at all?? Am I selfish?

The only thing unreasonable was her reaction.

Number 1, expecting people to go abroad for a hen? I wouldn't be able to afford that and would struggle to attend the wedding. If she gets her knickers in a twist about people not going to her hen, that's your first red bridezilla flag.

Secondly, when nothing was booked for her hen and she rudely refused to even entertain the possibility that it might be possible to change the date, red bridezilla flag number 2.

Yes, it's HER day and all that but it doesn't give her the excuse to be rude and mean.

mojesius

Jesus she sounds like a nightmare. Go to the wedding in Italy, enjoy it and don't contact her again unless she apologises profusely to you for her behaviour. How bloody self-centred some people are? She'll only get worse closer to her wedding.

c.p.w.g.w

Wow people can get really work up about what is essentially a party

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys. It was about a week ago at this point and we've not spoken since. I thought I'd give her some space to think about it but she hasn't contacted me at all since then. Her sister has commented to another bridesmaid that I was bang out of order to even ask her to move the hen for me. This is what has made me doubt myself.

I was going to send her a message saying that I still disagreed with her opinion on me but that we could just move past this and get on with things. I don't want to appear like I'm grovelling to her though. I couldn't care less if she ditched me from the wedding party. I wanted to be the bigger person and offer an olive branch but not apologise or give her a pass. If she says then that she doesn't want to be friends anymore (like we're 5 or something) then so be it.

wiggle16

Jesus. Hen MONTH??

No OP, you haven't done anything wrong. You aren't being unreasonable or selfish. Not in the slightest.

The hen's is a year away. She could easily have changed that weekend to another or reached some other compromise, or simply said "no I can't change it, but I hope you can still be there". It's not like you are asking her change the wedding date. Her reaction would be understandable if you had asked her to change the groom, not the hen weekend.

She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend.
If that's how she feels I don't think she is a massive loss to you, and I'm not quick to advocate dropping people. Planning a wedding can bring out the worst in some brides but I've never understood why so many think they are allowed to act like that - totally entitled, self-involved, conceited and vain. She should be disgusted with herself for treating you like this, not with you.

She is supposed to be your friend. Just because she is getting married doesn't mean she can treat you any way she likes. Just because you are her bridesmaid doesn't mean you have to conform to her every whim and plan your life around her. Her wedding is not more important then anyone else's wedding, she has no right to act like she can buy and sell you because you were asked to be bridesmaid. And personally I don't think I'd want to smile for someone's wedding photos if they would treat me like that.

Being a bridesmaid is supposed to make you closer as friends, you choose to involve people in a very important event in your life. Instead she's being a megalomaniac.

She owes you a grovelling apology, OP. No two ways about it, don't back down until you get one.

All she had to say was "no".

AndyBoBandy

This has all the ingredients for a Bridezilla 2.0 Thread!! Like the last one with the crazy bride!! (Selfishly from the sheer entertainment aspect of it all you should go)

But seriously OP, sounds you’ve dodged a bullet here. Would a true friend react the way this so called ‘friend’ reacted?

Im a man and I get that women treat their wedding as a hugely important occasion, but she honestly sounds like a head case!!

Hen party in Spain?? What about a weekend in Galway? (Unless your all from galway of course)

Colser

She's done you a huge favour here by handing you a get out reason from what will undoubtedly be a complete head wreck of a wedding.I'd gladly step down from being bridesmaid and from being her "friend " and any sane person who hears the reason why will agree completely with you.You can be sure that there will be plenty more drama before that hen or wedding take place ..if they will ever even take place with her ridiculous attitude.

I'd be going to Italy if I were you and f**K her..what an absolute lunatic.

Arrival

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

Thanks for the responses guys. It was about a week ago at this point and we've not spoken since. I thought I'd give her some space to think about it but she hasn't contacted me at all since then. Her sister has commented to another bridesmaid that I was bang out of order to even ask her to move the hen for me. This is what has made me doubt myself.

I was going to send her a message saying that I still disagreed with her opinion on me but that we could just move past this and get on with things. I don't want to appear like I'm grovelling to her though. I couldn't care less if she ditched me from the wedding party. I wanted to be the bigger person and offer an olive branch but not apologise or give her a pass. If she says then that she doesn't want to be friends anymore (like we're 5 or something) then so be it.

Don't do that, it's up to her to fix this ridiculous situation because she's the one that acted so unreasonably. To be honest, why do you even want to remain friends with such a nutter? I don't think you'd be losing much from your life. The fact her sister reassures her that she's in the right doesn't give much hope. Absolute clowns

December2012

She doesn't think that much of you if she is willing to dump your entire friendship over what she (wrongly) perceives is a slight against her.

She's in the wrong. not you.

rainbowtrout

You've had a lucky escape before you've actually had to spend money on this wedding. I wouldn't even entertain contacting her to clear the air. She's not going to be reasonable about this, especially when she has a sister in her ear saying you're the unreasonable one.

Book your flights to Italy and forget about this wedding. The other three bridesmaids are going to be in the firing line for the next year and will be on the receiving end of the same treatment. Consider yourself lucky that you're getting out now.

I Am_Not_Ice

OP, this person is unimaginably selfish and has finally shown you who she really is. Believe her. She's not lying to you; she really is that awful. It's just taken a while for her true colours to seep their way through to the surface.

Drop her like a hot brick and never look back.

TomOnBoard

If she's like this over a year b4 her wedding, WTF is she going to be like as ye get closer?

These self-absorbed Bridezillas should not be entertained! Hen-MONTH FFS!!

Jeez, it'll be a lucky man that gets her!!! I'd say the poor lad is eatin' Valium already!!

The_Honeybadger

OP your friend is bonkers, if she tries to mend things with you fair enough, give her another chance but I wouldn’t be pursuing it from your end. Guaranteed that won’t be the last drama to do with the wedding either.

JustAThought

Shocking behaviour from her particularly as there is a mutual friend to consider and nothing is booked yet. Its really irrational and tbh she should have called and said it was a heat of the moment overaction and apologised.

If the other girl isnt a great friend and you want to go to Spain and cant afford both but is she paying for the hen? Or are you all going to be splitting her costs and taking a hit for her financially too as is the norm ?

Regardless I would decide what I really want long term and put it to her that her reaction was ott given that nothing has been decided and tell her that both you and another bridesmaid would like to attend the other hen & also dont want to miss hers - surely she wants her friends to.go and enjoy it and celebrate with her and not get sucked into small mindedness and uncaring planning. She isnt planning on bankrolling it is she?

If youve been friends forever you dont want to lose the friendship but she needs to.understand that it is her big day and that you will be taking time from work and using holidays and spending your savings on supporting her wishes and making sure she is surrounded by her friends but that you need her to understand that although you look forward to.it and will enjoy it that it is a considerable cost to you . Her spend on tge wedding is for all her dreams and personal choices and that there is a pricetag on supporting her from.your personal savings. She will bang on about all her costs but the response it 'but that is your choice to spend that amount or to do that -not mine'.

I wouldnt be throwing vack the bridesmaid dress but if you wanted to back out of it you could put it to her that the financial stress and pressure of being a bridesmaid is only dawning on you and you would prefer to celebrate (and hopefully still attend) her wedding as a friend not a bridesmaid. That will leave you clear to enjoy the hen, or not, and not have to be part of paying forher oart of the hen,the flights/meals out/night of entertainment and drinking/ God knows what else including the trial profesional.makeup/bridesmaid dress/shoes/jewelery/hair/makeup/champagne/hotelroom/trial dinner/post event BBQ etc
All of which seem to be a routine part of the burden of being a bridesmaid-slave. You can have the craic without the expense and still be there.

Most brides buzz off after the wedding into bride and baby land and are rarely seen again after the honeymoon & gifts - she will be spending all her time with him.and nesting her house - if you are ambivilent now could be the easy way to claim an out and still attend without being a screaming bag and target for her selfish,demanding and unreasonable behaviour for the next year. 😮

Noo

I would much perfer a wedding in italy over a hens in spain anyday. Cant add much more to what others are saying but just sit back and watch the other bridesmaids come running, they'll be dropping like flies if she carries on like this.

linpoo

She sounds like a total b!tch. I've done bridesmaid twice on the last 7 months and never did my friends go on like this nor would it have been accepted. For both I was under no pressure to attend the hens even though I organised 1 hens.

No way would I be her bridesmaid now even if she gives a grovelling apology. She's not much of a friend either! Who needs 5 bridesmaids!!!

LegacyUser

It would only be the start of her demands, such a lucky escape. I can imagine her on hens having the best of everything at others expense. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she specifically chose that weekend clashing with the other wedding to test your “loyalty”. Don’t be letting them get away with the asking you to change whole hen to suit you phrasing either, you asked re. possibility on basis you’ve another wedding abroad on same date. She sounds like a complete and absolute nightmare you’ll miss nothing but a year plus of stress.

SurprisedBridesmaid

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

Only problem for me is that another old friend is getting married in Italy the same weekend as it. I obviously would like to go to this, as would at least one other bridesmaid.

I’m curious to know what the other bridesmaid plans on doing, it would be fun to see her reaction to losing two bridesmaids

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

She said it was unbelievable that any sane person would ask a bride to change her "hen month"

Oh the irony

padser

linpoo wrote: »

Who needs 5 bridesmaids!!!

In her defence, if anyone needs 5 bridesmaids it will be her.

Sure the attrition rate will be huge

RhubarbCrumble

God OP, she sounds like a nightmare! You have done NOTHING wrong. She's the one at fault here. Go to Italy and enjoy the wedding there. To be honest, if it was me and if by any unlikely chance she did come back and grovel, I'd be telling her I wasn't interested in being a bridesmaid anymore.

seamus

SurprisedBridesmaid wrote: »

She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend. We haven't spoken since so I don't know what's going on or if I'm still even a bridesmaid.

You're well shot tbh.

I know of many long-term friendships that have been sunk by bridal craziness. It's not a temporary thing - these people have always been that selfish and unreasonable, but getting married ramps it up to 1000.

I know one woman who had four bridesmaids, none of whom have spoken to her since the wedding a decade ago. They didn't even want to go in the end, but gritted their teeth for the sake of it, and after that it was over. They'd all known eachother for 20 years and she lost them all because she's a psychopath.

Stay in touch with the other bridesmaids (assuming they're your friends), but let the bride come and grovel to you if she values your friendship. If you never hear from her again, then clearly you thought far more highly of her than she did of you. Disappointing, but such is life.

kupus

if this is what she is like and the date is not even near, imagine what she will be like as the date comes closer.

you dodged a bullet.

delete her phone number.

count your blessings and move on

Neyite

She said she was disgusted with me and no longer considered me a friend.

You aren't her bridesmaid any more. She made it very clear with that sentence. She's probably already found some poor sucker off the subs bench for your bridesmaid role.

In time you'll realise that she unwittingly did you the biggest favour ever by ending your friendship.

FWIW, you did absolutely nothing wrong in asking.

Vlove

I agree with the rest here and including yourself to not contact her unless she opens her mouth to apologise. She sounds like a nutjob that needs a reality check. Just because it's a hen, doesn't mean everyone should be involved if she's going to act absoulety selfish and abusive. Her family don't seem to be helping which is particularlity selfish of them too! You deserve to be at that wedding in Italy!

valoren

Take the money you'd have wasted on expenses for that nutter's wedding and use it to extend your stay in Italy for the wedding

Big Bag of Chips

By the way - if she's going to chop everyone who doesn't go to her hen from her guest list, she'll find she's chopping a good few off.

Wait for her to row back on that threat when she realises not everyone thinks her "hen month" :rolleyes: is as important to their lives as she thinks it should be.

Sephiroth_dude

Go to your friends wedding in Italy and let bridezilla have her hen, tell her to shove her invitation!

blairbear

OP, this is the reality of weddings and being a bridesmaid, in that SO MANY women I know have ditched their friendships with a bride because of insane behaviour.

I wish brides would realise that nobody actually cares that much about their wedding. It is just a day out and not some big significant part of the lives of everyone else.

I was sacked as a bridesmaid a while ago 2 weeks before the wedding; the dressmaker commented that I was "even thinner" than the bride, who was obsessed with being smaller than everyone else there on the day.

Got a text the next day saying that one of her other friends volunteered instead of me as I seemed to be too busy at work. I ended up not even going to the wedding, I was that rotted by her.

Lots of friendships evolve and change in your late 20s/thirties, and that's no bad thing in these cases.

You did nothing wrong. She sounds DREADFUL.

nikkibikki

Just to add OP. One of my bridesmaids didn't come to my hen. She is often crippled with anxiety and depression. I wanted her by my side when I got married, that's all that mattered to me. And she was. Although it would've been lovely to have her at my hen, she couldn't do it and it was fine with me. There wasn't a cross word about it. Her feelings and her friendship were/are more important to me than a night out.

ShiverinEskimo

Sounds like a c**t.

jimmycrackcorm

I pity the poor husband to be if that's the kind of rationale to be expected in married life.

Op, don't make the first move, let her contact you as she wants you add bridesmaid not the other way about. Just tell her you already had plans to attend the Italy wedding of your friend, sorry it conflicts and you understand if she doesn't want you to come to hers as a result of that.

She knows well who is in the right.

qwerty13

Forget about any ‘move’ - first or otherwise.

She’s a horrible selfish nasty person. You are doing well to get her out of your life now, and you will undoubtedly end up thanking your lucky starts that you’re not involved with 😊, her closer to her ‘wedding month’ 😜

LegacyUser

Hey guys, I really appreciate all the responses. I'm taking your advice on board and I'm not gonna contact her. I'll let her make the first move but I'm assuming from here on out that I'm just not a bridesmaid anymore. I do agree that it's probably for the best. I'm sure she has a large queue of other friends waiting to step in for me.

Don't know what the other girls are going to do. It's hard to talk about it with them because I don't see them very often as I live away and I'd rather discuss it face to face.

And I know that if I read this thread myself I'd be advising me to walk away from the friendship like most of you are, but from this side of the page its actually a very difficult thing to do. I'm sad that she's treated me this way over something as innocuous as a trip away and so disappointed that she's trying to make me feel crazy and selfish for even asking this in the first place.
But we've been friends since we were children and it's very hard to just break ties with that all of a sudden. She's always been the centre of attention but I've never seen this side of her before. I do think it's the bridezilla thing in full effect and I never believed I'd see it in her. I'm so hurt and confused about the whole thing so I dunno what's gonna happen in the future.

But thanks again for the validation and advice.

ShiverinEskimo

You might find yourself shedding a heavy weight you didn't know you were carrying. If she's always been centre of attention and she's willing to drop you suddenly over a weekend away it tells me that she doesn't put the same value on the friendship you did and that she's been using you for as long as you've been useful to her.

Some people are leeches and when you finally cut ties with them you will wonder why on earth you stuck around as long as you did.

leahyl

Some people and their behaviour......I can't believe people like this exist!! OP don't waster another second with this so called friend.....jesus, some people are so entitled.

Airyfairy12

Her poor husband to be. God only knows what shes putting him through if that's how shes treating her friends.
Dont even think about being her bridesmaid, chances are the way shes behaving she'll have no bridesmaids come her wedding day.

valoren

The clown even had the audacity to lay down an ultimatum i.e. if you're not at the hen, no wedding invite for you.
Talk about a red flag, she practically advertised that she was going to be a nightmare to deal with.

Don't reply at all. Consider the friendship over and your duties as a bridesmaid finished with.

My prediction is that after months of radio silence, a few others will run afoul of her as well and end up not going.
Towards the end of the year, you'll get a 'hoovering' attempt at contact, ostensibly to re-ignite your friendship.

You'll get a faux apology but the reality will be that she will be chancing her arm trying to bulk up her numbers going to the hen as others will inevitably not go. As you will already be booked up for Italy (which she will be more than aware of), she can then exploit you mentioning that and going off on another explosive tantrum about what a self centered 'disgusting', 'despicable' person you are.

If she contacts you again, it will be nothing but a provocative trap.

Well rid, OP, well rid.

JustAThought

OP nice to see your comment and decision but one small adjustement -to avoid giving her fuel to add spite to her mix and avoid her running up costs for beidesmaid dresses and makeup deposits and then blaming you or saying you left her high and dry and never told her abd she spent hundreds on you -I woild suggest sending her a nice card thaking her for the invite to be bridesmaid but you now feel that is no longer possible or appropriate to take her up on the offer and you withdraw your name. You are sure ahe will find another good friend that is available for the month of X and wish her all the best . She can then choose to invite you to the wedding or not as a guest so the door is not firmly closed and leave her an opportunity to save face and not to be a total bitch. You couod say.you hope.you might see HER and the other bridesmailds at Y's wedding in Italy in X month before hers.

Best of Luck. Dont let her poison your name or reputation. Ypu coupd also send the other bridesmauds a nice note to the same effect so they will know and there will be no disgrace or secrecy around why you left.
Hopefully she will cop.on before soon. Either way,apology or not, it wouod be best not to be her bridesmaid even if she apologisies. No doubt wirse is yet to.come as the tension mounts.
Enjoy the release and maybe Italy and a nice holiday of.your chosing for yourself .

Sephiroth_dude

ConfusedBridesmaid wrote: »

Hey guys, I really appreciate all the responses. I'm taking your advice on board and I'm not gonna contact her. I'll let her make the first move

I wouldn't even give her the chance too contact you tbh, I'd block her everywhere.

Paddy Cow

JustAThought wrote: »

OP nice to see your comment and decision but one small adjustement -to avoid giving her fuel to add spite to her mix and avoid her running up costs for beidesmaid dresses and makeup deposits and then blaming you or saying you left her high and dry and never told her abd she spent hundreds on you -I woild suggest sending her a nice card thaking her for the invite to be bridesmaid but you now feel that is no longer possible or appropriate to take her up on the offer and you withdraw your name.

I know you have good intentions in suggesting this but that would backfire spectacularly on the op. The bride would then simply go around telling everyone that not only did the op have the audacity to demand (that's the way she'll tell it) the bride changes her hen to suit the op but when the bride couldn't do it, the op threw a strop and refused to be bridesmaid. The op would not come out of that looking good and the bride would look like the wronged friend.

The wedding is over a year away and I don't see the bride shelling out money for a dress for someone she has clearly cut off as a friend.

bucketybuck

JustAThought wrote: »

OP nice to see your comment and decision but one small adjustement -to avoid giving her fuel to add spite to her mix and avoid her running up costs for beidesmaid dresses and makeup deposits and then blaming you or saying you left her high and dry and never told her abd she spent hundreds on you

Who cares what else she says or what she blames the OP for? She has already crossed way over the line, if it was me I would be having absolutely nothing more to do with her, ever.

Do not send her any card or contact her in any way, you are well rid of that wagon.

Ursus Horribilis

ConfusedBridesmaid wrote: »

But we've been friends since we were children and it's very hard to just break ties with that all of a sudden. She's always been the centre of attention but I've never seen this side of her before.

Perhaps if you met her for the first time now, you'd not become friends. This ugly side of her character was always there but you just never encountered it full force. Maybe you're viewing her through rose-tinted, nostalgic glasses and you're remembering the person she used to be?

No matter what happens next, this friendship is broken. What you might need to watch out for is the fallout from this and how it'll affect your mutual friends. Be careful she doesn't start badmouthing you to them and wrecks those friendships.

TomOnBoard

It often happens that best childhood friends grow apart as they develop and grow. In this case, the centre of everyone's attention in childhood has grown up to be a much less likable and totally self-centred and self-absorbed person. Clearly, your values and emotional intelligence have developed differently from hers. It looks like yeve simply outgrown yeer childhood friendships. Dont sweat it, and don't allow her to continue with her emotional blackmail. You'll be better for it.

PressRun

Go and have a good time in Italy

Ironman76

She’s a c**t.

Absolutely hate people like this.

I would make it a point to go all out and enjoy the wedding in Italy. Have a ball and enjoy yourself 🙂