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Was/Is my girlfriend cheating?

  • 11-06-2018 08:23PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    Backstory: I've been dating this girl since December. From about March things became more serious and we became a couple. We've both told one another we love each other and already we've discussed things likes marriage, kids, all that sort of thing. Things moved pretty quick between us as you can see. We both want the same things in life, and we both have an incredible connection with one another. I've never felt this way about a girl before.

    Last night when I was in hers cooking dinner together a notification went off on her phone. I recognised the tone. It sounded like a Tinder notification. I had been on Tinder last year so this is how I knew. I even checked Youtube just to play the Tinder notification and yes it was the same thing. I didn't confront her initially as I was still unsure. Maybe I misheard it. I checked her phone about an hour after the notification just to see if there was something there. I've never checked her phone for anything previous as I've had no reason too, nor have I been that type of person until last night. There was nothing there. This morning when she was in the shower I checked it again and for some reason she had put her phone in airplane mode (no wifi/no mobile data).

    When I got home I asked my friend who has Tinder to narrow down a search to see if he could find her on it. He found her plus 3 pictures, one of which I recognised as she had taken the picture to send to me at the very end of January on a night out. I rang her and confronted her about it. I went through step by step everything I've said above and she admitted to it. She was so calm. She said she hadn't used Tinder in months and was free to do what she wanted to do whilst we were only dating as we weren't an item then, even though back then I was upfront with her and told her I really liked her and we shared some special moments together. She said she's never had sex with anyone else nor been on a date with anyone since dating me. She passed off the notification as being an old one, which is impossible as I know how Tinder works (it was either a message from a guy or a match). She said the reason her phone was on airplane mode in the morning was because it charges quicker. She also only got a new phone a few months back and said her phone automatically downloaded and logged her in, even though the latter is impossible as she'd have to accept all the requirements on a new phone the first time of logging in. She remained calm throughout like she had done nothing wrong and said she just had forgotten to delete Tinder not was it a big deal she was on it still. She told me I was overreacting and she had done nothing wrong. She said when I calm down I'll realise that.

    After that I don't know whether I am overreacting or was there grounds for cheating. Please, please help.


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,242 ✭✭✭✭Eric Cartman


    Tinder updates TOS for GDPR and you had to click to accept them on may 20 something, whether meeting up with lads or not that sounds like a complete head melter, get out lad.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 861 ✭✭✭tomwaits48


    I think your overreacting.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,968 ✭✭✭The White Feather


    All her explanations are very plausible and could be true. Phones do tend to charge quicker on airplane mode and she may just have tinder preinstalled on a new phone.

    The problem is that its up to her now to put you at ease. You have rightly questioned things that seemed fishy. Having a pic from jan on Tinder suggests to me that she was or is keeping her options open. Just from what you wrote I don't think she is actively cheating but is she keeping an eye out? I'd say you just have to be wary and see how things go. Theres no definite proof either way.

    Some people might think its an invasion of privacy but she should be going out of her way to show you her phone to prove she is not cheating. If my partner thought I was cheating and I wasn't, I would be almost giving her my phone and saying here check it as I have nothing to hide.

    Only you know her and if she is telling the truth. It sounds like you are a bit suspicious already so its up to her to show she has nothing to hide. If she is constantly holding her phone and keeping it away from you then you should be on alert.

    Having her phone charged in where you can find it would suggest she is not doing anything. It may have been from when ye first met that she was on Tinder.

    I would suggest if anything pops up like that again and you need to ask her, meet her in person to talk about it. It's too hard to know if someone is telling the truth on the phone. People can make up things very quickly on the phone but I would say you would know the truth in person.

    Don't get paranoid but just see how things go. It sounds like otherwise things have been going great.You said she sounded calm so either she is a great liar or it may have been just what she said.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tinder updates TOS for GDPR and you had to click to accept them on may 20 something, whether meeting up with lads or not that sounds like a complete head melter, get out lad.

    I have no idea about how the changes effected Tinder. Is that 100% true?

    Thanks guys for replying. I want to believe her but I just can't. I hung up on her earlier and she hasn't once tried to make contact with me since. If this was the other way round I'd be straight out to her proclaiming my innocence, doing all I can to make her believe there wasn't more to it.

    I really do appreciate every insight someone might have to this. It's absolutely crippled me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 14,080 ✭✭✭✭The Iron Giant


    One thing you haven't said (unless I missed it), has she since deleted it?

    Can't see any reason why you (as in her) would be with someone for over half a year and not delete Tinder when you are a couple, exclusive and have a 'special connection'.

    Bit of a red flag there.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭leggo


    Hmm. Things escalating very quickly in general is often a red flag for me (unless it’s a first relationship). Having excuses at the ready is another. Being calm and able to provide instant excuses when you should be caught by surprise is another.

    Having said that, her excuses are also pretty bulletproof. The airplane thing checks out. The getting old notifications checks out (I haven’t been actually on Tinder in yonks but still get notifications, sometimes telling me that I haven’t been on it). When I’m seeing someone and feel the need to delete it, I will when I think of it, but won’t make a song and dance about it either so I could easily still have it on my phone a while in a relationship unless the topic of deleting it comes up.

    So it comes down to if you feel you can trust her or not, that’s all that really matters. If you can’t and it’s fractured this early, end it whether she was on it or not, because things don’t get better from there. If you can, go with it.

    Also if stuff like that ever happens in the future with her or someone else, confronting it immediately is your best COA to get a better answer. I’d laugh and be like “Is that the Tinder notification?!!” then play it out from there. When people have time to prepare for a lie, they can pull the wool over your eyes. When they’re caught in the moment, you can usually determine enough from their reactions to proceed either way (and the only thing you need to know is “Is this person lying to me?”)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 828 ✭✭✭JaMarcus


    A red flag to me would be the fact you said you've been a couple since March, yet she still hasn't deleted Tinder. It's very unlikely you just happened to hear her first notification since March. Odds are she has received more, but hasn't deleted the app or her account.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 685 ✭✭✭keepalive213


    The odds are not in your favor, cut your losses, get out.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 465 ✭✭Chocolate fiend


    Don't worry I would say she will dump you anyway, snooping on her phone, playing the Tinder tone on You Tube I could go on. She would be better off with someone who isn't so suspicious.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 465 ✭✭Chocolate fiend


    All very true. However you have to give people either the benefit of the doubt or leave, he already shows he doesn't have a trusting nature where she is concerned, so if I were her I would get out of there because this amount of mistrust so early on and with such level of detail doesn't bode well for the future.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭leggo


    All very true. However you have to give people either the benefit of the doubt or leave, he already shows he doesn't have a trusting nature where she is concerned, so if I were her I would get out of there because this amount of mistrust so early on and with such level of detail doesn't bode well for the future.

    Disagree. Trust should be earned, not given. You obviously have to give a bit of courtesy leeway at the start of a relationship because you can't come in demanding phones for no reason, but you earn trust by trustworthy actions, and having Tinder on your phone while in a relationship is an inherently untrustworthy action that requires explaining. If she didn't understand or created an issue and dumped him over it, I'd see it as confirmation she didn't want to be accountable and probably was cheating.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 8,443 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    You need to set up a fake Tinder profile and try to engage her - only way to be sure


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 14,080 ✭✭✭✭The Iron Giant


    You need to set up a fake Tinder profile and try to engage her - only way to be sure

    Or just ask her has she deleted it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,801 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Talking about marriage after 6 months seems quite fast.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    If she is/was cheating it doesn't really matter anymore. The trust is broken and I don't know if your relationship can come back from this. She should have deleted it between March and June.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    None of us can tell you for sure if she is/was cheating. Her explanation sounds quite plausible though.

    I wouldn't get hung up on the photo from January, you were only dating a wet day at that stage and not in a relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,367 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    I would give her benefit of the doubt
    Have your pal check Tinder again in a few weeks and if she is back active on it you will have your answer.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 27,882 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    Would you really consider marrying someone without the brains to mute notifications and protect her online activity leaving no traces? I know i wouldnt. Get out of there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,746 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    woodchuck wrote: »
    None of us can tell you for sure if she is/was cheating. Her explanation sounds quite plausible though.

    I wouldn't get hung up on the photo from January, you were only dating a wet day at that stage and not in a relationship.

    I've heard Tinder takes photos from your facebook? So wouldn't it just reflect facebook photos? Perhaps I'm totally misinformed!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,816 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    When you checked her phone why didn't you check to see if that app was there?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I've heard Tinder takes photos from your facebook? So wouldn't it just reflect facebook photos? Perhaps I'm totally misinformed!

    I haven't used the app in a few years, but you used to be able to select your own photos from Facebook (it wouldn't just pull new ones automatically).

    It's a moot point though. If the latest photo was from January, they weren't even in a relationship then, still just the early days of dating.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    If she wasn't using the app far months it's quite unlikely she would have shown up on your friends account. Tinder will will prioritize showing you active profiles so you will only ever see inactive profiles if you are in a remote area or an area that just happens to have few tinder users.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 14,080 ✭✭✭✭The Iron Giant


    Also there's no way she'd get a notification for the first time 6 months after last using it. She would have gotten one in the meantime and if she had no interest would have probably deleted the app to not bother her anymore.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭leggo


    If she wasn't using the app far months it's quite unlikely she would have shown up on your friends account. Tinder will will prioritize showing you active profiles so you will only ever see inactive profiles if you are in a remote area or an area that just happens to have few tinder users.

    That’s actually a great point! Just this week, I got a notification to say my profile has been hidden because of inactivity.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The only thing that screams lies is the new phone bit. A new phone doesn’t just download and opens tinder. If it was an old phone it could well be the case she never logged out it it was an old swipe and new match. Tinder does however choose profile photos from your Facebook at random unless you’ve switched that option off. I’d you narrow down search area enough you will find inactive profiles, maybe she just didn’t remember to delete


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We broke up.

    She kept denying she was using it to cheat but never once offered to show me any proof. She never rang me back or texted me that night after I confronted her so I rang her the following day and she was angry at me for the way I had spoken to her the night before. She also called me a creep for checking her phone and asking me friend to see if she was on Tinder. She said I should have asked her when I first heard the notification. If she was cheating she would have denied that so I felt I was in my right to see firsthand if I was right about Tinder. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But she's gone now and I don't know what to do....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,666 ✭✭✭glenjamin


    Decided to just post with my actual Boards account rather than an anonymous one as my replies weren't being uploaded.

    We broke up.

    She never rang me back or text me again that night when I confronted her. I rang her the next day and we spoke. We still couldn't see what she done was wrong and denied cheating. She shouted at me for the way I spoke to her the night before and called me a creep for checking her phone and having a friend see if she was on Tinder. She said I should have come to her. The reason I didn't was because I didn't want to believe it was true. I wanted to be wrong. And I thought if I did confront her she would deny it. I stand by my actions even if it has cost me the best relationship I've ever had. I miss her and I want to fix things but she hasn't messaged me back.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    Sorry to hear OP. I think you dodged a bullet reading what you’ve written. There’s no excuse for having a Tinder profile still up so long into a relationship, it literally takes two seconds to deactivate, also clearly a blatant lie saying tinder automatically signed her in on her new phone...I know it automatically downloads all the apps..she signed herself in. Her turning it around on you, calling you a creep for handling it the way any sensible person was says all you need to know about her. For what it’s worth she was on there I think no doubt. If she wanted to make it work with you she should be falling over herself to try and make things right but she ****ed up and got caught out and now is trying to make you feel in the wrong for catching her. ****ty behaviour, sorry man.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I still you could be the one in the wrong here OP. I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but surely if she was "caught out" she would've just admitted it now. What would she have to gain by keeping up a charade?

    I know myself that when I got into a relationship I just deleted the app from my phone. But I don't think I actually deactivated my account. I don't get any notifications on my phone, but for all I know my old profile could still pop up in searches.

    How are you in relationships generally? Are things normally so intense in the early stages? Any previous experience of being cheated on that could be clouding your judgement here?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 9,279 ✭✭✭duffman13


    woodchuck wrote: »
    I still you could be the one in the wrong here OP. I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but surely if she was "caught out" she would've just admitted it now. What would she have to gain by keeping up a charade?

    I know myself that when I got into a relationship I just deleted the app from my phone. But I don't think I actually deactivated my account. I don't get any notifications on my phone, but for all I know my old profile could still pop up in searches.

    How are you in relationships generally? Are things normally so intense in the early stages? Any previous experience of being cheated on that could be clouding your judgement here?

    She admitted she had tinder on the phone and claimed it was an old notification which is bull****. Tbh if the relationship was as good as the OP suggested

    A) she wouldn't have Tinder on the phone.
    B) wouldn't have said she was free to do what she wants. OP and girlfriend seem to have crossed wires about how serious/official it was
    C) she would have met up or contacted him since to try work through this.

    People who compulsively lie tend not to admit it even when caught. OP you've dodged a bullet but you can learn a lot from this one


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