It’s all such a mess!!

SecretBride · 12-06-2018 02:02PM #1

So....short version to this is,

Met a man 6 years ago, we are both divorced, he has kids and I don’t. We got married over 2 years ago and generally very happy. Other than one big issue....his kids. There are 3, the eldest girl is 20 and hasn’t spoken to him or his side of the family for approx 8 years, the middle boy is 18, has a relationship with him but he hates me and the youngest girl is 15, we had a pretty good relationship for about 18 months but 2 years ago that all changed though we don’t know why. I wasn’t involved in their break up by the way, he was single for 5 years before I even met him. The other complication is that he was abused by a family member for years as a child, he told his ex when they were together though it’s a big family secret. She has told his eldest child and probably his son too, we aren’t sure if the youngest knows.

We’ve just gotten on with things in relation to the kids. Tried to do the whole initial meeting after seeing each other for about 10 months with bowling and a bit of craic but they really had no interest. Any subsequent meetings were ruined by sulking, ignoring and rudeness so we stopped including me in things and now he sees them alone. Other than the eldest who has zero relationship with himself and me.

Anyway, this has ticked away, not nicely cos in an ideal world we would like civility at least and a level of friendliness at best! Then his very close cousin announced her wedding and they were invited, as were we. He really didn’t think they would attend but they have said they are going. He now doesn’t want us to go. He is worried that there will be trouble, primarily from his eldest who has a bag of axes to grind. He is terrified that with drink etc involved that the secret will come out of that they will start hassle with me. I’m torn because I’m constantly trying to play peacemaker, I really don’t want him to miss such a nice family occasion over something that may not even happen but he doesn’t want to risk it....

And that was just the short version!!!

Any advice oh knowledgable ones???

GingerLily · 12-06-2018 02:06PM

Go to the wedding and leave after the first dance?

Obviously there are much bigger issues then the wedding but it might be a nice to try attend?

12-06-2018 04:13PM

<Snip>

Have u tried talking to him about the children or even talk to them too? It would be better this way to let everyone know that you're not here to replace everyone, you are here to love them as much as their father!

Rubberchikken · 12-06-2018 09:28PM

I wouldnt bother about the wedding. There will be others.
Maybe he needs to speak to his kids.
Tbh theyre old enough to see both side of any story. They may never be your biggest fans, but if you make their dad happy then maybe in time they'll come to see that.

Hannibal_Smith · 12-06-2018 11:11PM

Probably won't be the most popular of opinions, but your partner's secret is important to him. He was abused as a child and has carried that for so long and to have the fear that it all might come out in front of the family. That's not fair on him, he's been through enough without having this worry now.

I would say let the wedding go. Unless there is a way he can talk to his children and clear the air beforehand, let him decide whether he wants to go or not.

SecretBride · 13-06-2018 07:35AM

Vlove wrote: »

Have u tried talking to him about the children or even talk to them too? It would be better this way to let everyone know that you're not here to replace everyone, you are here to love them as much as their father!

We spend half our life talking about the kids. As I mentioned it’s not possible to speak to them as they refuse to even be in the same county as me! He has spent 5 years trying to get them to give a little but they have always refused.

SecretBride · 13-06-2018 07:37AM

Thanks folks, I think you are right, I just needed to get some unbiased opinions. He texted his eldest yesterday to see if she would meet up with him in advance of the wedding.....so far she has ignored the text. We will give it a day or so but I think that the best option is to leave it. I think even if we did go we would be on tenterhooks the whole time expecting trouble and that’s no fun for anyone!

Tell me how · 13-06-2018 07:46AM

OP, that must be very very difficult. You and your husband did everything by the book. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean things work out. It really is a pity that they refuse to accept you in any way.

Will the children's mother be going to the wedding? What is the relationship between your husband and her like now? Could she be asked to have a word with them to try to ensure they stay civil?

Other than that, the suggestion of leaving after the 1st dance sounds like a good one.

P.S. hopefully the cousin won't seat ye all at the same table.

SecretBride · 13-06-2018 08:15AM

Tell me how wrote: »

OP, that must be very very difficult. You and your husband did everything by the book. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean things work out. It really is a pity that they refuse to accept you in any way.

Will the children's mother be going to the wedding? What is the relationship between your husband and her like now? Could she be asked to have a word with them to try to ensure they stay civil?

Other than that, the suggestion of leaving after the 1st dance sounds like a good one.

P.S. hopefully the cousin won't seat ye all at the same table.

For a relationship break down that didn’t involve third parties, drink, drugs or rock and roll they had one of the most acrimonious divorces I’ve ever witnessed and their relationship is still at a big fat zero. Both of them have behaved badly with the children if you want my honest opinion....the one thing I will say in his favour is that he badly wanted/wants a good relationship with the kids and has always paid for them and her upkeep as well as seeing them when he is due to.

The ex isn’t invited to the wedding, it’s just the 3 kids.....I can’t imagine she would have a word with them to be honest. I think there is some resentment there that he has moved on.....she sees our life as being some sort of charmed glamorous affair because we can get away from time to time for a weekend and we get an annual holiday. But I think she forgets that I also work and we have no children between us, don’t smoke, don’t really get out much so they are our treats. Up to now she doesn’t seem to be encouraging a great relationship with them and him/us.

And if anything was going to encourage us not to be there it would be us all at the same table!! But then again where do you go with that one.....it seems unfair to want them seated away from their dad but the atmosphere if they were at the table would be horrific :-(

beauf · 13-06-2018 06:29PM

I would give a nice gift and card, but not attend if it were me. It would be terrible to rob someones wedding when it has nothing to do with them.

lulu1 · 13-06-2018 11:40PM

Does the cousin not know there is a rift between your husband and the kids.

You seem a nice person op who wants to do right by everybody but I am just wondering why the eldest has so many axe's to grind.

Thing's are never going to be resolved if they dont meet up and talk. I know the wedding is not the place to do this but they should try and sort it out

It’s all such a mess!!

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