What's different about your relationship with your OH that may have been missing from

Shinbin223 · 29-04-2018 08:17PM #1

So a few recent events in friends and my own life have got me thinking about this. These range from short lived things not getting off the ground as someone isn't ready for a relationship ( insert numerous other reasons) or to people who spent 8/9 years with someone, and when it ended met someone else and married quite soon after.

What was different about your current marriage/relationship to all others?
What made you want to commit to that person if you were someone who didn't really commit to anyone before?
Have you been in a relationship where everything was right about the other person and you couldn't fault them but for some other reason it didn't work?
And are you now with someone where it fell into place quite easily and you can see why it didn't work with others?!

Lots of questions I know but it has really got me thinking recently and I'd be interested in views/opinions.

pickarooney · 29-04-2018 08:18PM

Everything, and all for the better.

Wibbs · 29-04-2018 08:43PM

I have observed age has much to do with it, or can have. IE issues that would have a couple split up in their twenties are more likely to be ignored in their late 30's. Basically when there's more sand in the top end of the egg timer, people may figure they can do better. This can be seen in some women in their mid 30's. They may feel the sand is running out and are far more likely to make an unseemly dash to the altar or delivery room. Indeed the ones with most relationship mileage under their belt seem more prone to it. Whereas some men at the same age, suddenly seeing more options may end up stringing one woman after another along without settling. I have found that type of man tends to hit panic mode about ten years later in their mid 40's. And they can make just as unseemly fast choices.

More choice as a fair bit to do with it too. The better looking or richer or younger have more choice, even those with no kids, so are more likely to exercise that choice. Look at Hollywood or rock star marriages as an example. Rich, good looking, mostly younger people who have relationships/marriages that last not much longer than a Mayfly's life. Relationships that last(without affairs all over the place) like Tom Hanks and his wife, Spielberg, Goldie Hawn etc are held up and celebrated because they're outliers.

I have personally long come to the conclusion that while monogamy is celebrated by society as the ideal, I would hold that successful monogamy is a smaller proportion of relationships that we care to admit to ourselves.

stimpson · 29-04-2018 09:00PM

My current wife isn’t bat**** crazy. I find it’s a great attribute in a mate and I’m just sorry I didn’t figure it out before. I made many questionable relationship decisions before this one.

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich · 29-04-2018 09:04PM

stimpson wrote: »

My current wife isn’t bat**** crazy. I find it’s a great attribute in a mate and I’m just sorry I didn’t figure it out before. I made many questionable relationship decisions before this one.

Amen to that brother

annascott · 29-04-2018 10:09PM

We were friends first so I got to know and respect him as a person and not as a potential partner. Also, it is the first time everything was easy and felt right. I was with someone I trusted and actually liked, not as in the past with someone who I thought would impress my friends or give me added cudos. I wish I had worked that out in my twenties.

Shinbin223 · 30-04-2018 09:15AM

I suppose age does have a lot to do with things as people's priorities change as we get older. It just had me really thinking recently as a number of friends and myself included have been wondering what is it that makes a relationship go the distance. It would be interesting to get responses from married or people in long term relationships to see if there was one thing always missing with others and it was there with their current partner. Or was it a case of I'm pushing on, I'd like to settle down and he/she is the person I'm with at the moment and we are happy enough.

Apologies for the long thread title, I didn't realise it was as long until the full title didn't appear!

silverharp · 30-04-2018 09:27AM

stimpson wrote: »

My current wife isn’t bat**** crazy. I find it’s a great attribute in a mate and I’m just sorry I didn’t figure it out before. I made many questionable relationship decisions before this one.

you're cruising for a bruising there

Canis Lupus · 30-04-2018 09:29AM

She tolerates me.

Appledreams15 · 30-04-2018 09:30AM

stimpson wrote: »

My current wife isn’t bat**** crazy. I find it’s a great attribute in a mate and I’m just sorry I didn’t figure it out before. I made many questionable relationship decisions before this one.

Maybe you have also grown.

When a relationship didn't work, it is always both people's fault.

Appledreams15 · 30-04-2018 09:33AM

I don't think it is true at all that women panic in their thirties, and I think it is arrogant for a man to speak for women.

I am in my 30s and having the time of my life travelling the world.

If I feel like getting in a relationship I will. But Im so happy and content right now. Life is for living whatever way you want.

taserfrank · 30-04-2018 09:35AM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

When a relationship didn't work, it is always both people's fault.

What a gross generalization.

stimpson · 30-04-2018 09:59AM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

Maybe you have also grown.

When a relationship didn't work, it is always both people's fault.

That's nonsense people say to shift the blame of being a ****ty partner.

She was unhinged. I supported her for years but when I went through a rough patch she tried to leave me with nothing (she couldn't even succeed at that). She has had several failed relationships since, but 14 years later I'm still with the amazing woman I met when my life was circling the bowl.

Yes, I'm still bitter. But there's not a day goes by that I'm not thankful I'm out of that mess.

cantdecide · 30-04-2018 09:59AM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

I don't think it is true at all that women panic in their thirties, and I think it is arrogant for a man to speak for women.

c0w3jz6eia8h9n · 30-04-2018 10:26AM

It's an interesting question.
From my experience I don't think that it's possible that every relationship ticks every box and it's unreasonable and to think so.

I have been in three serious relationships and each were good/bad in different ways.

The first two that I was in were with girls that were very outgoing but were somewhat volatile. Nevertheless, things were amazing with regards to the bedroom for both and that made me stay for longer than I should have.

My most recent relationship is also with a girl who is extremely outgoing as well but comes with none of the drama. She is extremely caring and kind. However, things are not so good in the bedroom. She just ins't into that side of things and it's something that I've learnt to accept.
I'm in my early 30's at the moment so the relationship is heading in one direction. If I was in my early 20's I might have considered ended it because of the bedroom side of things but experience has thought me to appreciate other things.

Appledreams15 · 30-04-2018 10:26AM

stimpson wrote: »

That's nonsense people say to shift the blame of being a ****ty partner.

She was unhinged. I supported her for years but when I went through a rough patch she tried to leave me with nothing (she couldn't even succeed at that). She has had several failed relationships since, but 14 years later I'm still with the amazing woman I met when my life was circling the bowl.

Yes, I'm still bitter. But there's not a day goes by that I'm not thankful I'm out of that mess.

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

Permabear · 30-04-2018 10:52AM

This post has been deleted.

Wibbs · 30-04-2018 10:56AM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

+1000 in pretty much every case. There are exceptions, but in my experience rarely enough. I know looking back on my relationships when they went south I usually blamed them at the time, but nope, it was pretty much 50/50 and in some ways more 60/40 with me being more at fault.

Wibbs · 30-04-2018 11:04AM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

I don't think it is true at all that women panic in their thirties, and I think it is arrogant for a man to speak for women.

Hence I said: This can be seen in some women in their mid 30's. You must have missed that part. You also missed the part where I noted some men have their own narratives. Then again you'd be blind to that angle.

In any event it's hardly the stuff of wild conjecture to suggest that some(just in case you miss it again) women in their 30's feel the sudden instinctive call of suburbia and latch onto who's right in front of them at the time, rather than who may be right for them. Often with a sudden and unexpected increase in fertility... And wedding shoes made my Nike. I've known a fair few in my day and I'll bet men and women over 40 reading this will have known quite a few too.

cantdecide · 30-04-2018 11:04AM

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000 in pretty much every case. There are exceptions, but in my experience rarely enough. I know looking back on my relationships when they went south I usually blamed them at the time, but nope, it was pretty much 50/50 and in some ways more 60/40 with me being more at fault.

We all do wrong and we all disappoint the other eventually but to me, the first thing a good relationship is about is respect (I know this sounds unromantic but this theory assumes the second foremost factor of the relationship is love and admiration). I think there has to be some kind of general agreement on peace and fairness but also forgiveness and understanding. Unwillingness to take responsibility for bad behaviour is at least as damaging as the behaviour itself, IMO.

c0w3jz6eia8h9n · 30-04-2018 11:10AM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

It's good to see that someone else has had a similar experience as me.
Obviously, you're married now as you said. Did the bedroom issue play on your mind before you proposed?

I'm at the stage now where I am considering getting engaged. It's the natural next step and I do love her an awful lot but every so often the sex issues plays over in my head.
I would have a reasonably high sex drive and in that regard complimented my ex's in that regards. My OH now could nearly be classed as a-sexual, she just has no desire but has so many other great qualities and she is really affectionate - just not in a sexual way.

Permabear · 30-04-2018 11:34AM

This post has been deleted.

stimpson · 30-04-2018 11:38AM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

Do you think an abused spouse is partly responsible for the abuse?

Donald Trump · 30-04-2018 12:11PM

Amiya Cuddly Warehouse wrote: »

It's good to see that someone else has had a similar experience as me.
Obviously, you're married now as you said. Did the bedroom issue play on your mind before you proposed?

I'm at the stage now where I am considering getting engaged. It's the natural next step and I do love her an awful lot but every so often the sex issues plays over in my head.
I would have a reasonably high sex drive and in that regard complimented my ex's in that regards. My OH now could nearly be classed as a-sexual, she just has no desire but has so many other great qualities and she is really affectionate - just not in a sexual way.

Ah g'way outta that. Your missus is a divil in the sack.

She's probably just tired from all the riding offside when she gets back to you.

LirW · 30-04-2018 12:27PM

We both haven't been perfect showcases when we met, we had different issues that might have been no-nos for others. But we were seeing eye-to-eye from the beginning on and instead of just moving on we decided to play as a team and support each other. It worked out so well and soon after it got serious, the pay-off was huge, he's a kind, caring and funny man, yet is serious enough about life and life together.
That respect and honesty is a great trait that seems to be rare enough. We're both willing to put work into it and tackle obstacles together instead of falling out over it with each other even though it's not always easy.
Also the ability to talk about everything, even or especially the uncomfortable things makes it easier to move on and a lot of problems don't occur in the first place because they're already talked out.

We have a child together, I brought a kid into the relationship too, we're currently broke because we bought a house last year, renovated and had to replace our car but we value our relationship a lot that we always try to make time for ourselves, even if we're ridiculously busy. Makes even the most difficult times easier.
Also talking about money, so many couples struggle to cope with different financial attitudes or tight times and forget that financial troubles are a leading cause in breaking relationships/marriages up.

pickarooney · 30-04-2018 12:31PM

cantdecide wrote: »

We all do wrong and we all disappoint the other eventually but to me, the first thing a good relationship is about is respect (I know this sounds unromantic but this theory assumes the second foremost factor of the relationship is love and admiration). I think there has to be some kind of general agreement on peace and fairness but also forgiveness and understanding. Unwillingness to take responsibility for bad behaviour is at least as damaging as the behaviour itself, IMO.

There's nothing unromantic about respect.

pickarooney · 30-04-2018 12:32PM

Amiya Cuddly Warehouse wrote: »

It's good to see that someone else has had a similar experience as me.
Obviously, you're married now as you said. Did the bedroom issue play on your mind before you proposed?

I'm at the stage now where I am considering getting engaged. It's the natural next step and I do love her an awful lot but every so often the sex issues plays over in my head.
I would have a reasonably high sex drive and in that regard complimented my ex's in that regards. My OH now could nearly be classed as a-sexual, she just has no desire but has so many other great qualities and she is really affectionate - just not in a sexual way.

You're in for about a decade of seething resentment and lying to yourself about how lucky you are.

Keyzer · 30-04-2018 12:34PM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

No... its not.

Wibbs · 30-04-2018 04:01PM

stimpson wrote: »

Do you think an abused spouse is partly responsible for the abuse?

One could argue that some are enablers, some see it coming but for various reasons stay around. If kids are involved that can be a reason to stay, but what if there are no kids involved? I've known men and women stay in emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships for years and there was little to stop them leaving. The usual response if asked was "but I love him/her". Are they responsible for the abuse itself? No. Do they carry some responsibility for not leaving? That's the more difficult question.

Anne1982h · 30-04-2018 05:10PM

For me it was easy from the start. No messing no pretense just genuinely wanting to meet up and chat and once we started it we never stopped. I always overthink things but I had nothing to overthink about. Some of my friends would say the same. That before there would always be some kind of drama but with the ones we married it was a easy and loving friendship.

manonboard · 30-04-2018 06:32PM

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

There's several ways in which it can be one persons 'fault'. Though fault could be better labeled as "negative reaction" where negative reaction is measured in terms of the damage it brought to the relationships ability to heal/cope.

A year ago, I had a partner, was crazy about her. She was in her twenties. Her dad died. She became abusive very quickly after. It was wise and healthy for me to leave as the abuse ramped up from unkindness, to apathy, then to aggressive behavior. She was reacting because of being unable to cope with the loss of her father. I supported her and i keep in touch with her, shes calmed down alot since then, and apologized of course.
The fault lay entirely on her feet for that though.
It's not morally wrong, she couldnt cope. It was a horrible experience for her.
Often it is both people who are at fault though, relationships are complex and we are all unskilled at the start.

Wibbs wrote: »

One could argue that some are enablers, some see it coming but for various reasons stay around. If kids are involved that can be a reason to stay, but what if there are no kids involved? I've known men and women stay in emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships for years and there was little to stop them leaving. The usual response if asked was "but I love him/her". Are they responsible for the abuse itself? No. Do they carry some responsibility for not leaving? That's the more difficult question.

I think this is a good point. There is a wonderful wiki page on the Karpman Triangle that describes some of the payoffs of these self harming roles.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Some of the most common reasons 'victims' stay are:
1) Martyr syndrome that they get to feel like they were a hero that kept giving. (they give their suffering and consider it a valuable contribution)
2) Having a person to blame all their woes on, allows them to continue to not take self responsibility for their own self and self relationship. Thus they get to avoid the fear of doing all that psychological work and autonomy.
3) It gives them an excuse to also enable and goad the other person into conflicting with them. Its a very common situation in an abusive relationship that both people tend to subconsciously crave the drama.

Of course, there are many many situations where it is not the case at all. Particularly if something suddenly happens, or if one person deceived the other person and then becomes abusive when the other is dependent on them.

It's always very sad if people think that this is the best they can do. There is such better things in the world for them.

What's different about your relationship with your OH that may have been missing from

Comments