Partner has left me

ASISEEIT · 17-04-2018 11:42AM

I have read every vsingle post here.Firstly my sympathies. Real sympathy

I think you need to communicate with Management company asap. In writing by e mail. Explain situation and see what their attitude is.
Secondly you need to talk to threshold and get appraised of your rights
Thirdly-I would be slow to take advice off people telling you to treat him as dead. That could have serious consequences for him and you.
I would write to him and His parents. Explain the situation you are now in. I think if he or they have any decency they will provide at least a loan.
You probably have a few months-Management company will play it legal . Threshold will advise you.
But unless he changes his mind you probably are going to have to move eventually. Just get proper advice. Most posters here haven't a CLUE about tenancy agreements
I think for his self respect-you must ask for more support. Keep it brief. A few lines

From what you said he hasnt had this forever. Nobody but you and a trained psychotherapist can assess his long term suitability. While others here can rely on lifetime experience EVERY CASE is unique and thus be careful not to take heed of stories starting " I have a friend who x"
So called normal people take their lives out of the blue every day. No history of depression.

Talkinghands87 · 17-04-2018 12:59PM

Just to provide an update.

He has been to a doctor a few weeks ago now. He has been medicated and started with a councellor/therapist (difference?) This week. He has asked me to stop pressuring him with questions however I need answers. He said he needs a few days of just him to try decide what's the best move for him to make. I have a letter for management wrote out but not handed it in yet as he said he doesn't know what to do yet. Wish I had more.

I appreciate all the replies. They all make me think. Some more than other, some are upsetting but I've considered all possibilities and I honestly still don't know what's best all round. ðŸ˜¥

ASISEEIT · 17-04-2018 01:20PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Just to provide an update.

He has been to a doctor a few weeks ago now. He has been medicated and started with a councellor/therapist (difference?) This week. He has asked me to stop pressuring him with questions however I need answers. He said he needs a few days of just him to try decide what's the best move for him to make. I have a letter for management wrote out but not handed it in yet as he said he doesn't know what to do yet. Wish I had more.

I appreciate all the replies. They all make me think. Some more than other, some are upsetting but I've considered all possibilities and I honestly still don't know what's best all round. ��

Get onto Threshold asap. That will give you an idea of how long you have. Keep paying your rent. Your share. Giving him a week is no harm

qwerty13 · 17-04-2018 01:21PM

He’s doing what’s best for him. Unfortunately that doesn’t coincide with what’s best for you. You need to look after yourself OP. That is what’s best for you. Forget what’s ‘best all round’.

It’s good that he’s taking action, but even by telling you that he can’t handle questions (and I understand and have sympathy re why he can’t), that’s effectively leaving you on your own to sort out your living arrangements. Do what works for you, as a single person.

woodchuck · 17-04-2018 01:26PM

The problem is, he's only thinking about what's best for him. As you said, you need answers so you can start making practical decisions. And this is something you should be discussing together as a couple, not him deciding on his own and dictating the whole relationship.

I know he has mental health issues, but tbh I don't think that completely excuses his selfish behaviour described in your latest post...

LegacyUser · 17-04-2018 01:58PM

It's madness writing to the Management Company. They won't care and you are bringing attention to yourself which won't help you at all.

Pay the rent in full, get your partner to pay his half if you can. Keep doing this until you make a good decision away from emotion and panic.

Senature · 17-04-2018 05:48PM

Op I think he is providing answers, just indirectly, and not in the way you would probably like. He is not currently prepared/able to commit to coming back to your life together, this is not likely to change much in the short to medium term. Working on yourself with a therapist takes time, he is not going to have this all sorted out in the next few weeks.
I know it sounds really harsh but for your own sake I think you should proceed under the assumption that you are going to be on your own for the time being, and that you can't rely on him for anything be it financial support, answers, help with sorting out your lease and living arrangements or whatever. I'm not suggesting you immediately break up with him, date other people etc. I'm suggesting that you figure out the best plans for yourself, as if it's just you. Call/text/visit your partner. Let him know you love him and you are there for him and care a lot about how he is. But also, find a suitable living arrangement for yourself and go ahead with it. If you need to change job, do it. If you want to live nearer your own family and friends for emotional support then do that. If your partner benefits from the therapy and feels he wants you to continue your relationship, live together again in the future etc, and that is something you want too, then you can figure it out at that stage. At least in the meantime you will have looked after yourself under difficult circumstances, provided support to your partner, and won't just be sitting around for what could easily become months or years wondering when he will finally give you answers.
A red flag for me about your situation is that he left. Why couldn't he stay living with you and find a therapist near where you live together? The kindest thing I can think of is if he felt he didn't want his problems to drag you down too. But it would concern me that when push came to shove he felt he was better off leaving, not to mention putting you in a very difficult situation by doing so, and seeming pretty unconcerned about that, even though it has by now been communicated to him.
Op I have been in a situation somewhat similar to this. I really understand how difficult and hurtful it is. Look after yourself as best you can. I hope you are ok.

Talkinghands87 · 17-04-2018 06:47PM

Senature wrote: »

Op I think he is providing answers, just indirectly, and not in the way you would probably like. He is not currently prepared/able to commit to coming back to your life together, this is not likely to change much in the short to medium term. Working on yourself with a therapist takes time, he is not going to have this all sorted out in the next few weeks.
I know it sounds really harsh but for your own sake I think you should proceed under the assumption that you are going to be on your own for the time being, and that you can't rely on him for anything be it financial support, answers, help with sorting out your lease and living arrangements or whatever. I'm not suggesting you immediately break up with him, date other people etc. I'm suggesting that you figure out the best plans for yourself, as if it's just you. Call/text/visit your partner. Let him know you love him and you are there for him and care a lot about how he is. But also, find a suitable living arrangement for yourself and go ahead with it. If you need to change job, do it. If you want to live nearer your own family and friends for emotional support then do that. If your partner benefits from the therapy and feels he wants you to continue your relationship, live together again in the future etc, and that is something you want too, then you can figure it out at that stage. At least in the meantime you will have looked after yourself under difficult circumstances, provided support to your partner, and won't just be sitting around for what could easily become months or years wondering when he will finally give you answers.
A red flag for me about your situation is that he left. Why couldn't he stay living with you and find a therapist near where you live together? The kindest thing I can think of is if he felt he didn't want his problems to drag you down too. But it would concern me that when push came to shove he felt he was better off leaving, not to mention putting you in a very difficult situation by doing so, and seeming pretty unconcerned about that, even though it has by now been communicated to him.
Op I have been in a situation somewhat similar to this. I really understand how difficult and hurtful it is. Look after yourself as best you can. I hope you are ok.

Thanks for the long reply. He said he left because when I'd be in work he would be in the apartment (small and not much natural light) alone and didn't think it would do him good. He said the thoughts of coming back to Dublin make him have a panic attack.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-04-2018 09:10PM

I know you don't want to turn your back on him, and you don't have to. But you need to start making decisions for yourself for the immediate future. You also have to look at the possibility that you two won't live together again, at least not in Dublin. Not living together doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, but this could be the end of your relationship as you have known it, up to now. Down the line, who knows, you could end up living together in Dublin, near his home place, near yours. Who knows? But for now he is not moving back to Dublin and he is almost certainly not moving back to that flat.

So that's where you have to make your first decision. What to do about accommodation? If you can't afford to rent it on your own, you discuss that with him and either ask him to continue to contribute to his share of the rent, or you move out. Then you decide where you move to. Home? Or a houseshare in Dublin?

I would leave all questions about his plans, your relationship etc for now. Because he can't give you any answers. So asking is just frustrating you both. Make YOUR plans for your immediate future without consultation or considering him. If/when he gets back on his feet, you can then make further plans. Regardless of his depression he must know that actions have consequences, and if he decides in a months time that all's good and he wants to move back to Dublin, and in with you, then he will realise that it will take a bit of time to organise again as you has to make choices when circumstances changed.

Depression is a selfish illness. But you can be supportive of your partner without being at the mercy of his depression. You don't have to be thrown into turmoil, and then be at his beck and call at the drop of a hat. If/when he gets better, he will be in a better place to understand that too.

Talkinghands87 · 18-04-2018 12:58PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I know you don't want to turn your back on him, and you don't have to. But you need to start making decisions for yourself for the immediate future. You also have to look at the possibility that you two won't live together again, at least not in Dublin. Not living together doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, but this could be the end of your relationship as you have known it, up to now. Down the line, who knows, you could end up living together in Dublin, near his home place, near yours. Who knows? But for now he is not moving back to Dublin and he is almost certainly not moving back to that flat.

So that's where you have to make your first decision. What to do about accommodation? If you can't afford to rent it on your own, you discuss that with him and either ask him to continue to contribute to his share of the rent, or you move out. Then you decide where you move to. Home? Or a houseshare in Dublin?

I would leave all questions about his plans, your relationship etc for now. Because he can't give you any answers. So asking is just frustrating you both. Make YOUR plans for your immediate future without consultation or considering him. If/when he gets back on his feet, you can then make further plans. Regardless of his depression he must know that actions have consequences, and if he decides in a months time that all's good and he wants to move back to Dublin, and in with you, then he will realise that it will take a bit of time to organise again as you has to make choices when circumstances changed.

Depression is a selfish illness. But you can be supportive of your partner without being at the mercy of his depression. You don't have to be thrown into turmoil, and then be at his beck and call at the drop of a hat. If/when he gets better, he will be in a better place to understand that too.

Thanks for the advice. I agree I wish I could get my heart and head to agree on one thing.

The apartment is a one bed in Dublin for 1100 moving out means it will automatically go up to probably 1400 judging by similar apartments in the building which are on daft. That's why im a little hesitant as all the rooms I've seen advertised local to work are 700+ for just a room.

It's been three weeks and my head is no clearer. It's like a constant fog in my way to see what to do. I know logically what to do but then I get full of what if's....

dellas1979 · 18-04-2018 02:54PM

OP, he is doing what he needs to do. He is looking after himself. Thats all he can think of now.

Depression can be seen as an awful selfish thing by family and friends affected by mood and behaviour, when in fact someone is suffering awfully. There isnt a timeframe for you to rush his mental health wellbeing along, so that you can feel better, and have answers.

Ive seen it from this PoV. Took my head a while to get heart/and head around the reality. The person going through the depression maybe isnt making rational or thoughtful decisions. They are keeping their head above the water. Simply put OP, they arent well.

But thats not stopping you making decisions for your life. He is making them for his (how ever small).

You have to do the same and move on, and make even a small step in moving on.

Im afraid you cant keep blaming him for keeping you stuck. Youre keeping yourself stuck by not making decisions.

I'd have it sorted already that Id move home. Commute if I needed to. And stay in an Air BnB for one/a couple of nights a week for rest.

And then make more decisions to help yourself along.

Tell me how · 18-04-2018 03:54PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I agree I wish I could get my heart and head to agree on one thing.

The apartment is a one bed in Dublin for 1100 moving out means it will automatically go up to probably 1400 judging by similar apartments in the building which are on daft. That's why im a little hesitant as all the rooms I've seen advertised local to work are 700+ for just a room.

It's been three weeks and my head is no clearer. It's like a constant fog in my way to see what to do. I know logically what to do but then I get full of what if's....

Try to stick to the fact that you think you know what needs to be done. Start to do it and deal with the "What ifs" if they occur.

This is very difficult and each new challenge doesn't mean that what you have done already was wrong. It is the right thing with the information you have at this time.

heretochat · 18-04-2018 04:03PM

dellas1979 wrote: »

OP, he is doing what he needs to do. He is looking after himself. Thats all he can think of now.

Depression can be seen as an awful selfish thing by family and friends affected by mood and behaviour, when in fact someone is suffering awfully. There isnt a timeframe for you to rush his mental health wellbeing along, so that you can feel better, and have answers.

Ive seen it from this PoV. Took my head a while to get heart/and head around the reality. The person going through the depression maybe isnt making rational or thoughtful decisions. They are keeping their head above the water. Simply put OP, they arent well.

But thats not stopping you making decisions for your life. He is making them for his (how ever small).

You have to do the same and move on, and make even a small step in moving on.

Im afraid you cant keep blaming him for keeping you stuck. Youre keeping yourself stuck by not making decisions.

I'd have it sorted already that Id move home. Commute if I needed to. And stay in an Air BnB for one/a couple of nights a week for rest.

And then make more decisions to help yourself along.

I was waiting for someone to post something like this before contributing to this thread.

As someone who has suffered wth quite debilitating depression at times throughout my life I can agree with a lot of what dellas has said.

When I am in the worst of my depressive cycles, I have no concept of anything else that is going on around me. I close down, I don't want to talk, to see people, to even get up in the mornings.

Thankfully, through medication, I am able to function "normally" most of the time and I have been able to keep my job and (thanks to a wonderful partner) a functioning relationship.

These episodes are very hard on my OH as they undoubtedly are on you.

I can see why he just disappeared though. My episodes (when they occur with my partner) leave me feeling guilt, shame, less of a man, whatever you want to add..

This illness (and it is a terrible illness) doesn't mean he loves you any less. He may in his own way be trying to spare you the worst of it.

You have to look after yourself but don't just cast him aside either.

Best of luck OP

Big Bag of Chips · 19-04-2018 06:52AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

The apartment is a one bed in Dublin for 1100 moving out means it will automatically go up to probably 1400 judging by similar apartments in the building which are on daft. That's why im a little hesitant as all the rooms I've seen advertised local to work are 700+ for just a room.

But continuing to pay €1100 that you can't afford just because you don't want to pay €700 is a false economy. If you have a bit of breathing space then you don't need to make any major decisions just yet. And nobody would expect you to change your life in 3 weeks. That's ridiculous! You will make whatever decisions are right for you at the time you make them.
Give yourself time to come to terms, and get a plan together. Decisions will be made when they have to be. And whatever decision is made, will be the right one at that time.

Neyite · 19-04-2018 11:10AM

Mod:

Just a reminder, asking an OP to pm you on this forum may result in you getting a warning or a ban.

Post deleted.

ASISEEIT · 19-04-2018 11:14AM

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:

Just a reminder, asking an OP to pm you on this forum may result in you getting a warning or a ban.

Post deleted.

Apologies wasnt thinking . Just trying to be helpful

Talkinghands87 · 19-04-2018 12:23PM

Another thing this week. I had a docs appointment. He forgot. Never asked how it went. This morning I had an interview and again he never asked. Like everything is so selfish. He said his mam has been asking how im doing while I was getting upset thinking none of them had bothered seeing how I was. I feel like he's playing mind games with me.

Appreciate all the comments saying things like this are something you've all experienced. In not overly familiar with depression and the norms.

ASISEEIT · 19-04-2018 01:09PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Another thing this week. I had a docs appointment. He forgot. Never asked how it went. This morning I had an interview and again he never asked. Like everything is so selfish. He said his mam has been asking how im doing while I was getting upset thinking none of them had bothered seeing how I was. I feel like he's playing mind games with me.

Appreciate all the comments saying things like this are something you've all experienced. In not overly familiar with depression and the norms.

I think the best way to view him is a man on a life raft. He is just trying to survive. Expect nothing from him at moment

Talkinghands87 · 19-04-2018 01:11PM

ASISEEIT wrote: »

I think the best way to view him is a man on a life raft. He is just trying to survive. Expect nothing from him at moment

It's so hurtful. I lay in bed last night at 3.30am crying my eyes out because I missed him so much and because I feel totally alone.

Senature · 19-04-2018 02:08PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Another thing this week. I had a docs appointment. He forgot. Never asked how it went. This morning I had an interview and again he never asked. Like everything is so selfish. He said his mam has been asking how im doing while I was getting upset thinking none of them had bothered seeing how I was. I feel like he's playing mind games with me.

Appreciate all the comments saying things like this are something you've all experienced. In not overly familiar with depression and the norms.

This is a perfect example of why many posters are advising you to look after yourself. The way things are right at the moment he is not going to be "there for you" or offer you much support. So you need to do this for yourself as much as possible and rely on family and friends for any backup and support you need. It's difficult becsuse it's perfectly normal to expect your partner to care about your drs appointment or be supportive about an interview you went to... but... if you are looking for that from him at the moment you will just end up disappointed, angry and resentful (albeit understandably so).

Hope the interview went well ☺

Tell me how · 19-04-2018 03:00PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

This morning I had an interview and again he never asked.

How did the interview go?

Talkinghands87 · 19-04-2018 05:12PM

Tell me how wrote: »

How did the interview go?

Honestly it's a job I went for because I thought I'd know what I was doing with regards the apartment by now.

Today he told me he doesn't care about anything. He said he doesn't care about having a career or a house or nothing. Is that the depression talking?

kunst nugget · 19-04-2018 05:39PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Honestly it's a job I went for because I thought I'd know what I was doing with regards the apartment by now.

Today he told me he doesn't care about anything. He said he doesn't care about having a career or a house or nothing. Is that the depression talking?

Yeah, it would be. Depression has cut him off from his feelings so he's probably in a state of total apathy. Don't take any of it to heart at the moment. Have you someone you can talk to you. You need to be able to vent.

Talkinghands87 · 19-04-2018 05:41PM

kunst nugget wrote: »

Yeah, it would be. Depression has cut him off from his feelings so he's probably in a state of total apathy. Don't take any of it to heart at the moment. Have you someone you can talk to you. You need to be able to vent.

I've a few friends to talk to but they are busy with their own lives so it's difficult. I had been seeing a councellor and have made an appt for sat morning.

kunst nugget · 19-04-2018 05:57PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I've a few friends to talk to but they are busy with their own lives so it's difficult. I had been seeing a councellor and have made an appt for sat morning.

Take whatever help you can for yourself. He's wrapped in the cotton wool of his illness, so he's probably not going to see what you're going through.

I know what I've linked are semi-comics but I think they give a good sense of what can be going on with someone when they are suffering from depression.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ie/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ie/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Talkinghands87 · 19-04-2018 07:12PM

Can I just say thanks to everyone who has posted on here. I've posted numerous times in the past on different topics and have never felt supported and given so much great advice like I have with this thread. It's really comforting, thank you.

qwerty13 · 20-04-2018 12:57AM

I dont think it’s that he actively doesn’t care about you. It’s that he just can’t, because he can’t even cope with himself right now. There’s just no space left to think of you. Of course that doesn’t make it hurt you any less, or make the practical aspects such as your living arrangements any easier.

You really do need to consider yourself single and decide the practicalities on that basis. If stuff changes - and I mean permanent changes, or at the very least commitment towards / the beginning of progress on his behalf - well you can reevaluate then. Just because he commits to progressive steps doesn’t mean that you should upend your life for him though. That’s just not viable, and he needs to recognise this. I have full sympathy for his illness, but he cannot truly expect there to be no consequences for the emotional and financial mess he’s left you in.

The other aspect is how you feel you could handle the risk of an episode like this happening again? Or many times again? Is stress a trigger? What if you had sick parents, sick children, redundancy, job loss, rent increase, or relationship problems? Is he going to bail out at any of that? Will you be left coping alone? Can you handle that, or at least the risk of that?

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 06:17AM

Another thing frustrating me is him not actually talking to me. He ignores my messages, hasn't called once. But has met his friends and been messaging his friends.

How can he act normal around them but not me?

I asked him last night why he was torturing only me and he said "how am I torturing you" he has no idea. It's like he thinks I have no right to be upset or angry.

MeTheMan · 20-04-2018 06:31AM

Have you seen face to face since he left?

Talkinghands87 · 20-04-2018 06:33AM

MeTheMan wrote: »

Have you seen face to face since he left?

Twice for maybe ten minutes each time while I dropped him some of his stuff. Both times he was getting worked up and angry with everything I said. He did kiss me but it was like he didn't want to.

Partner has left me

Comments