Partner has left me

woodchuck · 13-04-2018 08:52AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Thank you very much for this response. Yesterday the comment from TheBoyConnor stuck in my head about there being men who can handle Dublin and it reduced me to tears because it made me feel like my partner was some kind of a failure. But you are correct it is a passive comment and a dismissive attitude that isn't fair in anyone suffering

I agree his post was far too harsh and shows no appreciation for how crippling depression can be.

Having said that though, you do have a choice as to whether or not you take on this burden long term. Depression isn't something that goes away. Even if he comes out of this bad spell, it's reasonable to assume that he could have similar episodes again in the future. Is this something you can cope with repeatedly in the long term?

Anne1982h · 13-04-2018 08:56AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Absolutely and he said he was scared of things escalating and him ending up feeling suicidal so him leaving Dublin wasn't really the no 1 issue. It's how he done it. Not talking to me etc etc. U feel hurt and just want normality back in my life

It is natural to want things to go back to normal but the best thing you can do for yourself is accept this new normal. If you have a good relationship with your parents I would move back home and commute. Find a TV show to watch or a good book to make the commute go quicker and reassure yourself that this is temporary. Save money while you are there and spend time with family. Another option is if you have a good friend with a spare room that you could move in with for a few months until you get back on your feet.

I know you say you don’t want to share in Dublin but plenty of people in your situation who can’t pay crazy rent have had to make that change and go back to sharing including a friend of mine who now loves it and is great friends with her flat mates. Regarding your boyfriend - I am married and that was in sickness and in health. Depression is a very very tough sickness but If you love him you need to try work through this. He also has to be willing to work at it though and I do agree with other posters about sorting out your own finances and living arrangements first. Unfortunately you are in a new situation outside of your comfort zone but saying you don’t want to commute or don’t want to share is just burying your head in the sand and not facing up to what is happening. I have been there myself in a way - fell out with my best friends, unemployed, living at home. I picked myself back up and You can do it too.

Larbre34 · 13-04-2018 08:56AM

He owes it to you to get help urgently and to engage with a suite of treatment. You do not deserve to get pushed into mental illness yourself.

As a sufferer myself, I would only be sympathetic up to a point for a fella who contrived those cowardly plans to effectively abandon you while blaming his albeit damaging condition

13-04-2018 09:11AM

I think the suggestion to move in with a good friend if possible for a few months is a good one. If anyone you are close to has a spare room ask if you can rent it for a while till something is sorted. Store your things at your parents' place and take some time to sort your head out. Go to your parents at the weekends to give the friends some space.

Don't go into debt because of this.

In terms of the relationship, I know you love him and he's not well, but this doesn't bode well for any kind of future together. You need to know you can trust your partner. Life is always full of challenges and stresses. Tread carefully around reconciling.

Grayditch · 13-04-2018 09:27AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Absolutely and he said he was scared of things escalating and him ending up feeling suicidal so him leaving Dublin wasn't really the no 1 issue. It's how he done it. Not talking to me etc etc. U feel hurt and just want normality back in my life

Yeah I can totally understand that. He might not have been able to face seeing you so hurt when he's already in a bad place himself. He might have thought he'd change his mind and end up back at the start.

Maybe in a year or two it'll turn out to be something that saved it all, even if it was done arseways.

Senature · 13-04-2018 09:30AM

So sorry you find yourself in this difficult and sad situation. Your partner is surely in a bad way to do that, but he has really left you in the lurch too. Despite his problems, I think he should be helping you out financially for at least the next few months so you don't have to shoulder the burden of finding somewhere new to live immediately as well as dealing with everything else. After all he made sure he had somewhere to go. Even if he got a small loan off his parents/credit union/sibling to pay his share of the rent for the next 2-3 months it would give you both a chance to see how things are going for him and make whatever plans you need to with time and a bit more clarity on your side. Look after yourself as best you can, be there for him as best you can, I do wish you both all the best.

kunst nugget · 13-04-2018 02:21PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I know it's not easy walking away after 10 years but at the end of the day he has a serious problem that's not going to disappear. You might have 10 years spent on him but don't let that con you into thinking that you're too deep in already to back out now. Do you want to be dealing with his dramas flake outs and breakdowns again in 10 year cycles?
What if you have kids in a few years and he says "oh i can't handle this anymore" an runs away?
At the end of the day you have to think of yourself first. you are allowed to be selfish here and do what is in your own interests.

This might sound harsh but at the end of the day he has let you down in a serious way. Big time. If you accept it now you will have set a precendent and it'll become a more regular occurance since you are entertaining it.

I'm seriously taken aback by this post. What if the OP's boyfriend had cancer? Would you be saying to her to dump his ass because it's a serious problem and he could end up relapsing and creating more drama?

I've known people I admire and respect go through the ringer because of depression, spend time in psychiatric hospital, be stripped to the core by their illness and come out the other side of it. What the OP's partner did doesn't strike me as something done to be a flake or a drama queen - they are obviously not in a good head space and need help. It doesn't mean that this is how they will be for the rest of their life and are no longer dependable. People can get better from depression and move on with their lives without dramas and breakdowns in 10 year cycles that are mentioned above. I think it's pretty horrendous to view someone as disposable if they have depression.

OP, I think him leaving Dublin like that was wrong but from what I seen before, this isn't a reflection on you - I'd imagine he was feeling overwhelmed from everything - his depression, the effects it was having you, the problems it was creating for him in work - and he just needed to escape. It's left you in a horrible situation and I can only imagine the hurt you were going through. For all its ups and downs, you mostly likely felt your relationship could weather what was thrown at you and suddenly find that you've been cut adrift and you're lost.

I haven't got much in the way of advice, OP. Only you know your boyfriend, and what he was going through. I can only try to empathise with you as you find yourself in this heartbreaking situation. Don't ignore your own emotional wellbeing - find someone that you can trust to confide in - be it a friend, a sibling or counsellor. Maybe try and get even a week's holiday to get back home yourself and try and assess what is going on with you and your boyfriend - this has been a traumatic live event so treat it as such. Don't just try and power through and hope for the best. Look after yourself.

Talkinghands87 · 13-04-2018 03:30PM

I don't mind commuting. It's a direct drive. I just worry that it will ware me down eventually. This would be probably an hour and a half drive each way. I commuted in the past which was a drive from KK to the red cow then a Luas to Spencer dock and a 20 mins walk. It was the Luas and walk that killed me.

Grayditch · 13-04-2018 03:37PM

Do you have anywhere to stay in Dublin on the odd night that you're too tired / it gets too much?

LegacyUser · 13-04-2018 03:50PM

It's an extra EUR600 a month. Just find that extra money for now. Get your partner to help out, since he has landed you in this. It will buy you time which you need now. Things may look a lot different after three months.

Abandon this panic talk of sharing or commuting. Find the money and pay the rent as normal. When things calm down, you can consider what to do next. If it costs you a loan of a few thousand euros to stay there until Christmas, so be it. It will be money well spent.

Talkinghands87 · 13-04-2018 05:57PM

Grayditch wrote: »

Do you have anywhere to stay in Dublin on the odd night that you're too tired / it gets too much?

Not really one friend with a family that I wouldn't like to land in on. Maybe the odd day if stuck

Talkinghands87 · 14-04-2018 06:56AM

ComeyJ wrote: »

It's an extra EUR600 a month. Just find that extra money for now. Get your partner to help out, since he has landed you in this. It will buy you time which you need now. Things may look a lot different after three months.

Abandon this panic talk of sharing or commuting. Find the money and pay the rent as normal. When things calm down, you can consider what to do next. If it costs you a loan of a few thousand euros to stay there until Christmas, so be it. It will be money well spent.

I agree and I could probably find the money. Im scared it's a waste though. Im scared im just putting off the inevitable but my partner is giving me no answers

banoffe2 · 14-04-2018 12:48PM

Sorry to hear your news OP, what a shock to get, cant begin to imagine the hurt, pain and grief you are going through, you can and will get through this, keep reaching out, and it will get better, but not overnight. look after yourself and us boardsies will be looking out here for you XXX

LegacyUser · 14-04-2018 04:35PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I agree and I could probably find the money. Im scared it's a waste though. Im scared im just putting off the inevitable but my partner is giving me no answers

A waste in what sense? To give you peace of mind, security for a few months, or a year? Sure it's rent, but this week I spent three thousand on stopping my front wall from falling over, I have literally gained nothing from it.

Believe me, a few thousand euros is nothing when it comes to this kind of thing.

Calm down and pay the rent on time as always. Put your favourite film on, order a takeaway, have a drink. You have done nothing wrong, don't punish yourself further.

Post another message in a month, I guarantee things will be different then.

ScouseMouse · 15-04-2018 12:39AM

ComeyJ wrote: »

A waste in what sense? To give you peace of mind, security for a few months, or a year? Sure it's rent, but this week I spent three thousand on stopping my front wall from falling over, I have literally gained nothing from it.

Believe me, a few thousand euros is nothing when it comes to this kind of thing.

Calm down and pay the rent on time as always. Put your favourite film on, order a takeaway, have a drink. You have done nothing wrong, don't punish yourself further.

Post another message in a month, I guarantee things will be different then.

There is more to life than money. I personally HATE money. I currently dont have any, but you know what, **** it! Being happy and content is more important. I am currently stressed, and broke, but feck it, there is more to life than worrying about that. As mentioned above, do what makes you happy. I am sitting here listening to music at 1.30am, with a hugggeeee vodka and superquinn sausies.
Do what makes you happy, try to relax, do what you have to do, but look after yourself. Your partner couldnt take the stress/depression so did something to save himself. Ok, after 10 years with you, perhaps he should have come to you and explained his difficulties, but he went "home", to somewhere he felt safe and took sanctuary. You are safe, he is safe, you can wake up tomorrow and perhaps fix things up or maybe even move on.

Look after yourself for the moment. If that means relaxing with your favourite bottle of wine and author or even taking a short break somewhere, DO IT. Tomorrow is another day. Money is the last of your worries (I speak as as bankrupt who owes 1.5 million) who has a wife and kids to support.

Good luck.

shamrock55 · 15-04-2018 12:45AM

Might have mental illness,but sounds like a right selfish prick to me and shouldn't be allowed to use his problems as an excuse to treat you like ****,just as well you don't have kids

ScouseMouse · 15-04-2018 01:06AM

shamrock55 wrote: »

Might have mental illness,but sounds like a right selfish prick to me and shouldn't be allowed to use his problems as an excuse to treat you like ****,just as well you don't have kids

On the contrary. IMO, if the person has mental issues/stress issues, and is having trouble with coping, it is better to withdraw to a place that makes them feel safe, than flip the lid and do something silly.

We read about the consequences of people unable to cope, on practically a daily basis.

long_b · 15-04-2018 01:25AM

You could get used to the commute if you could get out of the lease or maybe sub let.

SterlingArcher · 15-04-2018 01:34AM

shamrock55 wrote: »

Might have mental illness,but sounds like a right selfish prick to me and shouldn't be allowed to use his problems as an excuse to treat you like ****,just as well you don't have kids

Read back your post shamrock.I want you to Notice how you Hear your voice in your head reading it back to you. It's in real time.

Now imagine you started hearing this voice.your voice, not some monster like in a horror movie. Your voice. It Whisperes to you " it would be easy to kill yourself". Only the voice didn't stop there. Over time It gave you deep instructions on how easy it is and how you should do it.

Have you ever had someone around you that you used to be close to but fell out and can no longer trust. Imagine that was you. Your mind. The voice in your head. No longer being able to trust your own mind.

That's just scratching the surface. Your very own horror movie playing out in the shadow of your mind.

It is not something to be dismissed so lightly. Step off.

Op.if it is fact. That your partner was medically assessed and on the advise given .quit his job and left Dublin. Then as per forum rules I can only say it was not a case of the Mondays.

My only advise to you is to be understanding.... as hard as that is for you right now because you have been left juggling a very undesirable situation. Best of luck.

Tell me how · 15-04-2018 07:14AM

shamrock55 wrote:

Might have mental illness,but sounds like a right selfish prick to me and shouldn't be allowed to use his problems as an excuse to treat you like ****,just as well you don't have kids

You don't truly understand depression. Lucky you.

tomwaits48 · 15-04-2018 07:25AM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hello there.

You need to divide this into

1. Practical

2. Emotional.

1. Practical.
Is it a 2 bedroom apartment. How long are you there. If it is a 2 bedroom apartment then advertise for a short term rental on Daft and get someone in pronto to cover the rent. Yes it is a loss of privacy and what you are used to but you will have to suck it up and get on with it for now. Realistically you are going to be in work for most of the day and without your partner it is no longer a "home" and just somewhere you rest.

If it is a one bedroom, them you will need to source alternative accomodation asap. My advice would be to put up a post on Facebook to see if someone will "swap" a one bedroom apartment that may suit a couple in return for a bedroom where they might be staying.

2. Emotional.
You need to cut all reliance on your bf for financial contributions until the practical is resolved. Treat him as if he is dead. When your circumstances are resolved and your accomodation and work is secured, then and only then can you deal with these issues of him leaving, his mental illness etc. He has left you in the lurch, you need to park him and sort your own affairs out. Ignore all comments or conjecture on this thread as to morality or otherwise of his actions. Resolve the practical first.

You will need someone you can rely on while this is going on- family or a close friend who is a practical reliable person.

Best of luck. Its a ****ty situation but it will pass.

This is excellent advice

zzxx · 15-04-2018 09:47AM

Regarding your living arrangements, would you consider renting a room in Dublin for a few nights during the week and then going home at weekends? It would really reduce your rental costs and helps with the commute issue. There are plenty of rooms available for that kind of arrangement. Hope you get everything sorted soon.

shamrock55 · 15-04-2018 11:27AM

People saying this guy has depression and or voices in his head,has he even been assessed or diagnosed,alot of wanna be psyc docs on here it seems,he could be back home living the life of rielly for all we know

Tell me how · 15-04-2018 12:04PM

shamrock55 wrote: »

People saying this guy has depression and or voices in his head,has he even been assessed or diagnosed,alot of wanna be psyc docs on here it seems,he could be back home living the life of rielly for all we know

Try reading the OP oh wise one.

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Two weeks ago my partner got up for work. Kissed me good bye as he was heading home to his parents for the weekend. He never came back. He said he couldn't live in Dublin any more so quit his job and left. We were together for a decade. Im now alone in Dublin, struggling, stuck with a massive rent. He says he still wants to be with me but he's struggling with depression and can't be up here. My job is here. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying, im at my wit's end and I can't see any way out of this dark hole he has pushed me into. I can't believe this has happened to me.

Grayditch · 15-04-2018 01:45PM

And people wonder why someone who was depressed "never reached out for help".

okiss · 16-04-2018 05:11PM

I know your partner of 10 years has depression. You can't put your life on hold to see what of is going to happen next in regards to him. The truth is he decided to leave Dublin and his job without saying how he was feeling or telling you his plans.
As a result he has left you paying for an apartment that you can't afford long term and because of this your left dealing with this mess.

I would not commute to and from Kilkenny each day. I would start to look for a new place to live in Dublin. I would also ring your boyfriend and tell him that he will be paying half the rent till you find a new place to live.

I would also consider what you want long term. You have been with him for the past 10 years so where did you see things going? Did you and him ever make long term plans? He has left his job and the place he was renting with you but told you nothing until he did this.

I know it is hard to walk away after spending 10 years with someone but you need to think about the life you want long term. I don't know what age you are but are you willing to put your life on hold. Are you going to ring him every day and go back to Kilkenny each weekend for him? How long are you willing to give him a lot of to get better, find a job and move back to Dublin?

I would consider that if you stay with him what will happen if he gets bad again. You could be left in a worse situation than you are now.
I know a woman who married a man with depression. She had to go back to work after she had her first child leaving the baby with her parents as her husband was out of work due depression. This woman now has a few children and one with special needs. Some days he helps her and other times he can't hope with the kids because of the way he is feeling. Her parents have stepped in to help with child minding if she needed to work to keep the bills paid or to mind the kids when she bought the child with special needs to appointments.

In your case their is nothing wrong in moving into a house or apartment share and working on improving your own life. It's not selfish to think of your own life and what you want long term. I would let your friends know what is going on and let them help you find a new place to live. See if you can get involved in a few new groups of organisations to meet new people.
I have had friends in the past that ended long relationships as they realised that the men were just coasting along/they wanted different things. In some cases they had been let down once to many times in front of family/friends. I had friends that were lied to and used but suddenly realised that enough was enough.

They went on to met new men or to have a far better life than if they stayed with the wrong man because they had been a couple for a few years.

qwerty13 · 17-04-2018 05:15AM

kunst nugget wrote: »

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I know it's not easy walking away after 10 years but at the end of the day he has a serious problem that's not going to disappear. You might have 10 years spent on him but don't let that con you into thinking that you're too deep in already to back out now. Do you want to be dealing with his dramas flake outs and breakdowns again in 10 year cycles?
What if you have kids in a few years and he says "oh i can't handle this anymore" an runs away?
At the end of the day you have to think of yourself first. you are allowed to be selfish here and do what is in your own interests.

This might sound harsh but at the end of the day he has let you down in a serious way. Big time. If you accept it now you will have set a precendent and it'll become a more regular occurance since you are entertaining it.

I'm seriously taken aback by this post. What if the OP's boyfriend had cancer? Would you be saying to her to dump his ass because it's a serious problem and he could end up relapsing and creating more drama?

I've known people I admire and respect go through the ringer because of depression, spend time in psychiatric hospital, be stripped to the core by their illness and come out the other side of it. What the OP's partner did doesn't strike me as something done to be a flake or a drama queen - they are obviously not in a good head space and need help. It doesn't mean that this is how they will be for the rest of their life and are no longer dependable. People can get better from depression and move on with their lives without dramas and breakdowns in 10 year cycles that are mentioned above. I think it's pretty horrendous to view someone as disposable if they have depression.

OP, I think him leaving Dublin like that was wrong but from what I seen before, this isn't a reflection on you - I'd imagine he was feeling overwhelmed from everything - his depression, the effects it was having you, the problems it was creating for him in work - and he just needed to escape. It's left you in a horrible situation and I can only imagine the hurt you were going through. For all its ups and downs, you mostly likely felt your relationship could weather what was thrown at you and suddenly find that you've been cut adrift and you're lost.

I haven't got much in the way of advice, OP. Only you know your boyfriend, and what he was going through. I can only try to empathise with you as you find yourself in this heartbreaking situation. Don't ignore your own emotional wellbeing - find someone that you can trust to confide in - be it a friend, a sibling or counsellor. Maybe try and get even a week's holiday to get back home yourself and try and assess what is going on with you and your boyfriend - this has been a traumatic live event so treat it as such. Don't just try and power through and hope for the best. Look after yourself.

I get this, I really do. However, the OP’s first duty is to herself. Her own happiness. Look, we’d all like to be the ‘better’ person, entering into or deciding to to stay with someone who has mental health or physical health issues, but the OP has to decide if she can handle that, and if the situation is compatible with her life plans. There’s no shame her deciding that her partner, and his issues, is not compatible with her life plan.

I don’t think shaming her over this is fair at all

JMNolan · 17-04-2018 06:18AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

I get this, I really do. However, the OP’s first duty is to herself. Her own happiness. Look, we’d all like to be the ‘better’ person, entering into or deciding to to stay with someone who has mental health or physical health issues, but the OP has to decide if she can handle that, and if the situation is compatible with her life plans. There’s no shame her deciding that her partner, and his issues, is not compatible with her life plan.

I don’t think shaming her over this is fair at all

If my partner came down with a life threatening illness I would "park" my happiness for a bit to help her. That's what a partnership is.

Maintaining your own happiness above all else seems pretty selfish to me tbh.

qwerty13 · 17-04-2018 06:29AM

Above all else, yes. But none of us are sainted. The OP gets to choose whether to stay or go. Her partner has shown that when the going gets tough, he’ll go. She shouldn’t be expected to stay, to cope with his decisions.

kunst nugget · 17-04-2018 08:25AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

I get this, I really do. However, the OP’s first duty is to herself. Her own happiness. Look, we’d all like to be the ‘better’ person, entering into or deciding to to stay with someone who has mental health or physical health issues, but the OP has to decide if she can handle that, and if the situation is compatible with her life plans. There’s no shame her deciding that her partner, and his issues, is not compatible with her life plan.

I don’t think shaming her over this is fair at all

How is telling to look after herself shaming her?

I was just giving the counter view to people that were telling her to dump her partner and move on. You say in another post that she now knows how her partner will act if the going gets tough - I don't think that's a really fair assessment of the situation. How a person acts in the height of depression isn't an honest reflection of how they would cope normally. Also, depression isn't an irreversible illness - plenty of people have been knocked down, got help and got back to living life normally without recurrence of their problems.

The red line issue for me would not be her partner suffering from depression, it would be whether he got treatment for his issues or not. You can't help someone that won't help themselves and this would be where I would be when I would be considering the future of the relationship.

Partner has left me

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