Partner has left me

Talkinghands87 · 11-04-2018 10:48PM #1

Two weeks ago my partner got up for work. Kissed me good bye as he was heading home to his parents for the weekend. He never came back. He said he couldn't live in Dublin any more so quit his job and left. We were together for a decade. Im now alone in Dublin, struggling, stuck with a massive rent. He says he still wants to be with me but he's struggling with depression and can't be up here. My job is here. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying, im at my wit's end and I can't see any way out of this dark hole he has pushed me into. I can't believe this has happened to me.

lab man · 11-04-2018 10:52PM

Keep yer head up keep well, depression is an awful thing

Vicxas · 12-04-2018 07:39AM

It sounds like Depression got the better of him, all you can do is be there for him and talk to him.

woodchuck · 12-04-2018 07:51AM

Is he seeking help for his depression? It sounds like it has a firm hold on him for the moment and I don't think there is an awful lot you can do... he really needs professional help.

It's an absolutely sh1tty situation for you though obviously. Normally I'd advise having a conversation with your partner about your expectations for the future etc, but it sounds like he's in no fit state to be making life decisions at the moment or even having a conversation about it. If he's getting help, it could be worth waiting it out. But if he's not... well, it gets to a point where you have to start making some tough decisions for yourself.

Talkinghands87 · 12-04-2018 08:07AM

He has reached out for help a few months ago but it got the better of him. I feel angry because I haven't been considered. Im struggling now to make ends meet and could potentially lose my job if I don't find a new place to live. Im in my 30s and going from living with a partner long term to moving in with strangers is more than I can bare to be honest

woodchuck · 12-04-2018 08:17AM

You have every right to be angry. I would be too.

It's very difficult though when you know somebody has a mental illness... how much of his behaviour is due to the illness and how much of it is just who he is. It's a very difficult question to answer though. What is he like when he's not gripped with depression? That might help give some insight as to how much of his recent behaviour is down to the illness.

Also when he left, had he already quit his job and planned never to come back to Dublin? If so, that would be difficult for me to forgive. To make a huge decision like that and not even talk about it with you... there's only so much blame you can put on an illness if it was a premeditated decision.

Talkinghands87 · 12-04-2018 08:20AM

woodchuck wrote: »

You have every right to be angry. I would be too.

It's very difficult though when you know somebody has a mental illness... how much of his behaviour is due to the illness and how much of it is just who he is. It's a very difficult question to answer though. What is he like when he's not gripped with depression? That might help give some insight as to how much of his recent behaviour is down to the illness.

Also when he left, had he already quit his job and planned never to come back to Dublin? If so, that would be difficult for me to forgive. To make a huge decision like that and not even talk about it with you...

No he left his job on the doctor's recommendation after going back home.
Generally he's quiet but not thoughtless and selfish like he has been.
This leaves us back at the beginning giving up an apartment in Dublin for relatively cheap rent

Ursus Horribilis · 12-04-2018 08:22AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

He has reached out for help a few months ago but it got the better of him. I feel angry because I haven't been considered. Im struggling now to make ends meet and could potentially lose my job if I don't find a new place to live. Im in my 30s and going from living with a partner long term to moving in with strangers is more than I can bare to be honest

I can understand why you don't want to move in with strangers but what other options do you have? A house share and continuing to work until you find your feet has to be infinitely better than the dole. Or indeed, trying to find another job whilst not working.

dudara · 12-04-2018 08:28AM

I’m desperately sorry to hear this news.

You have to get practical first and make sure you keep a roof over your head. How long can you afford to stay where you are without your partner? Have you been able to speak to him at all? Can you rent out a spare room?

woodchuck · 12-04-2018 08:32AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

No he left his job on the doctor's recommendation after going back home.

When he went home, did he know at the time he wouldn't be returning, or was that decision made afterwards?

I know it's an extremely difficult situation for you and a huge upheaval having to move. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about that though other than get on with the practical side of things. As awful as it is.

Does he have any sort of plan for how long he's going to stay with his parents? I can understand giving up work temporarily if the stress is too much, but in the long term it will be even more detrimental to his mental health to be stuck at home with his parents with nothing to do.

NIMAN · 12-04-2018 08:34AM

Was this completely out of the blue to you?
Its a pity you both couldn't have talked this out before he left his job and headed home, as I am sure he could have got medical help in Dublin and possibly remained with you and even in his job (after perhaps some time off to recover).

Depression is a terrible illness but it is generally very treatable.

As for you situation, I really feel for you as you appear to have been happy and content in your lot and location. It sounds like your partner is unlikely to return to Dublin any time soon, so you will both have to sit down and talk out what happens next.

Talkinghands87 · 12-04-2018 11:39AM

If I move home it means an hour and half commute, traffic depending between Kilkenny and Dublin. Then there's parking when I get to Dublin.
I can afford a month. He said he will help out this month. Rent is around the 1200 mark with internet when I look at rooms on daft they're mostly around the 800/900 also.so it doesn't free up much cash.
Also moving in to a shared apartment gets me so down it's like going backwards.
I guess it's been going on officially since the summer but I never thought it would come to this in a million years.

TheBoyConor · 12-04-2018 12:44PM

What an awful situation for him to put you in. To kiss you goodbye on the pretence of going to work and then quitting his job and absconding.

That's really sh!tty op.
If I were you I'd dump his sorry ass and find someone who can behave like an adult.

Plus, at the end of the day your tenancy agreement means you are jointly and severally liable for the rent. He is still obliged to pay whether he resides there or not for the duration of the tenancy. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he's going to have to pony the fúck up with his share of the rent and that he'd better find the money some way or other - no excuses.

In the meantime can you rent out the rooms in the apartment to lodgers to bridge the gap?

Talkinghands87 · 12-04-2018 12:47PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

What an awful situation for him to put you in. To kiss you goodbye on the pretence of going to work and then quitting his job and absconding.
.

Not at all what happened but don't let the truth get in the way there...

TheBoyConor · 12-04-2018 12:51PM

But why would you put up with this treatment OP. You deserve better than being messed about like this. Plenty guys out there who are more mature and can handle life in the big city. you don't need this drama in your life.

Talkinghands87 · 12-04-2018 12:52PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

But why would you put up with this treatment OP. You deserve better than being messed about like this. Plenty guys out there who are more mature and can handle life in the big city. you don't need this drama in your life.

No I absolutely don't need it but after a decade together it's not as easy as walking away.

Ursus Horribilis · 12-04-2018 01:04PM

Is there no spare room in the apartment you can let now? It's madness to think about putting yourself through a Kilkenny - Dublin commute just because you don't want to share accommodation. If you feel like crap now, imagine how you'll be once you're into that daily grind.

Talkinghands87 · 12-04-2018 01:06PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is there no spare room in the apartment you can let now? It's madness to think about putting yourself through a Kilkenny - Dublin commute just because you don't want to share accommodation. If you feel like crap now, imagine how you'll be once you're into that daily grind.

It's a one bed apartment. I've been looking on daft but there's very little within my budget close to where I work ,:(

Mr. Incognito · 12-04-2018 01:10PM

Hello there.

You need to divide this into

1. Practical

2. Emotional.

1. Practical.
Is it a 2 bedroom apartment. How long are you there. If it is a 2 bedroom apartment then advertise for a short term rental on Daft and get someone in pronto to cover the rent. Yes it is a loss of privacy and what you are used to but you will have to suck it up and get on with it for now. Realistically you are going to be in work for most of the day and without your partner it is no longer a "home" and just somewhere you rest.

If it is a one bedroom, them you will need to source alternative accomodation asap. My advice would be to put up a post on Facebook to see if someone will "swap" a one bedroom apartment that may suit a couple in return for a bedroom where they might be staying.

2. Emotional.
You need to cut all reliance on your bf for financial contributions until the practical is resolved. Treat him as if he is dead. When your circumstances are resolved and your accomodation and work is secured, then and only then can you deal with these issues of him leaving, his mental illness etc. He has left you in the lurch, you need to park him and sort your own affairs out. Ignore all comments or conjecture on this thread as to morality or otherwise of his actions. Resolve the practical first.

You will need someone you can rely on while this is going on- family or a close friend who is a practical reliable person.

Best of luck. Its a ****ty situation but it will pass.

TheBoyConor · 12-04-2018 01:37PM

I know it's not easy walking away after 10 years but at the end of the day he has a serious problem that's not going to disappear. You might have 10 years spent on him but don't let that con you into thinking that you're too deep in already to back out now. Do you want to be dealing with his dramas flake outs and breakdowns again in 10 year cycles?
What if you have kids in a few years and he says "oh i can't handle this anymore" an runs away?
At the end of the day you have to think of yourself first. you are allowed to be selfish here and do what is in your own interests.

I'd support the view of the previous poster - treat him as if he is dead. He is causing stress and drama in your life that you don't want or need. Excise him from your life. By all means remain cordial and arrange any necessary affairs to part ways but beyond that I'd be cutting all non-essential contact and once the practicalities are in order block and delete him from everwhere.
Get your accomodation situation in order. Sublet the apartment and move into a house share or something. You'll figure it out. Think twice before you go commuting - that will suck the joy right out of your life.
Go reclaim your life as your own. Take up hobbies, join clubs, go out with friends, go travel, learn a new skill.

This might sound harsh but at the end of the day he has let you down in a serious way. Big time. If you accept it now you will have set a precendent and it'll become a more regular occurance since you are entertaining it.

ScouseMouse · 12-04-2018 06:59PM

Crazy idea maybe, but could you perhaps put in two single beds in the room and try to get a room mate? Not ideal, but would get you out of a hole having another girl around for company and to pay the bills.

Depression is indeed a nasty thing, it has pushed some people over the edge. I know you were with him 10 years, but it is better to withdraw to family, away from your stresses, then go over the edge and do something stupid.

SortingYouOut · 12-04-2018 07:12PM

After 10 years, to get up and just drop everything... He's obviously in a bad place. It'd be different if he moved out and into a mates house or something but he's after making some very big decisions, that he feels he needs to.

As hard as this may seem, you need to allow him this if depression is up to it's filthy ways. He's not necessarily selfish. Perhaps family and living at home with them is something that brings him back to past comforts and potentially prevents the worst.

I hope he gets well and that the two of you have a great future ahead.

Keep the chin up and remember not to forget about your own mental health throughout all of this.

NIMAN · 13-04-2018 06:43AM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

But why would you put up with this treatment OP. You deserve better than being messed about like this. Plenty guys out there who are more mature and can handle life in the big city. you don't need this drama in your life.

I think this attitude is very flippant, and shows the lack of empathy a lot of Irish people have towards people with depression.

You do understand for a grown man to pack in his job, head back home, leaving his partner of a decade, he must be really suffering badly. He would not have made that decision lightly. Although looking from the outside you could say he has left the OP in a very bad situation, I'm sure he knew the effect his actions would have but sometimes if you are in a bad place, you can't see anything else except to get out of there.

The person concerned needs to get medical help immediately to try to curb this depression and get them back to some sort of normality.

Tell me how · 13-04-2018 06:56AM

TheBoyConor wrote:

But why would you put up with this treatment OP. You deserve better than being messed about like this. Plenty guys out there who are more mature and can handle life in the big city. you don't need this drama in your life.

Depression can completely remove conscious consideration of others.

It's an illness. Richard Sadlier made some good points recently about difficulty in diagnosing it appropriately but the OP doesn't hint that she fits his illness so unfortunately, the guy probably is on such a place where he is incapable of continuing as normal.

Talkinghands87 · 13-04-2018 07:00AM

NIMAN wrote: »

I think this attitude is very flippant, and shows the lack of empathy a lot of Irish people have towards people with depression.

You do understand for a grown man to pack in his job, head back home, leaving his partner of a decade, he must be really suffering badly. He would not have made that decision lightly. Although looking from the outside you could say he has left the OP in a very bad situation, I'm sure he knew the effect his actions would have but sometimes if you are in a bad place, you can't see anything else except to get out of there.

The person concerned needs to get medical help immediately to try to curb this depression and get them back to some sort of normality.

Thank you very much for this response. Yesterday the comment from TheBoyConnor stuck in my head about there being men who can handle Dublin and it reduced me to tears because it made me feel like my partner was some kind of a failure. But you are correct it is a passive comment and a dismissive attitude that isn't fair in anyone suffering

NIMAN · 13-04-2018 07:10AM

Never underestimate depression.

Hannibal_Smith · 13-04-2018 08:33AM

What kind of a relationship do you have with th landlord? If it's a good one, you could try and explain the situation and see if you can come to an agreement about leeway. It's nitnas if your partner upped and left for the craic, he's gone back home to deal with his depression. I'd only try this if you have a good relationship with the landlord btw. If it's very much an arms length thing I wouldn't go showing your hand.

I know you don't want to house share, but even for a short while until you get yourself sorted, isn't it better than travelling from Kilkenny everyday?

Talkinghands87 · 13-04-2018 08:35AM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

What kind of a relationship do you have with th landlord? If it's a good one, you could try and explain the situation and see if you can come to an agreement about leeway. It's nitnas if your partner upped and left for the craic, he's gone back home to deal with his depression. I'd only try this if you have a good relationship with the landlord btw. If it's very much an arms length thing I wouldn't go showing your hand.

I know you don't want to house share, but even for a short while until you get yourself sorted, isn't it better than travelling from Kilkenny everyday?

It's a management company so little to no relationship besides having everything always paid in time there no real person we deal with. In not sure how subletting works so not sure if this would be an option for a month or two.

Grayditch · 13-04-2018 08:39AM

What he did, yeah it was a bit selfish in terms of leaving you to deal with the rent, but he may have protected himself in the only way he knew how.

I hope you can both find a way to make it all work out.

Talkinghands87 · 13-04-2018 08:49AM

Grayditch wrote: »

What he did, yeah it was a bit selfish in terms of leaving you to deal with the rent, but he may have protected himself in the only way he knew how.

I hope you can both find a way to make it all work out.

Absolutely and he said he was scared of things escalating and him ending up feeling suicidal so him leaving Dublin wasn't really the no 1 issue. It's how he done it. Not talking to me etc etc. U feel hurt and just want normality back in my life

Hannibal_Smith · 13-04-2018 08:50AM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

It's a management company so little to no relationship besides having everything always paid in time there no real person we deal with. In not sure how subletting works so not sure if this would be an option for a month or two.

Are you sure it's the management company and not a letting agency? The management company and let out an apartment. I wouldn't go the subletting route. Your name is on the lease, if there's any damage done you're who they'll chase. Not to mention that I would imagine your lease has a clause in it forbidding subletting.

Partner has left me

Comments