My boyfriend cheated on me...what to do???

Pretty Polly · 25-03-2018 6:30pm #1

Hi,

Yesterday I discovered that my boyfriend of nearly 3 years cheated on me, when he was on holidays with his best friend. I'm absolutely devastated

I had my suspicions.. because when he came back from hols he was a bit different. I checked his phone and found the proof and texts to his friend to basically lie/cover up for him. He also lied about the cost of accommodation. He told me it cost €100, it actually cost him €420. His flights were also €220 more than what he told me. We're saving for a deposit for a house so obviously, we (mostly me) are keeping an eye on our spending.

I confronted him about his behaviour and how I noticed it had changed. He doesn't know I checked his phone! He 100% point blank denied everything for 2 days. I would have believed him, but I had the proof.... He eventually admitted all of the above.

I live and work in Dubin and he lives a bit further away. I'm 29 and I don't know what to do. We are/were so good together and I feel like he's the only person who could get me and my crazy ways. I still love and care for him but I don't trust him anymore. I feel like he may have slept with other people too.

shamrock55 · 25-03-2018 6:34pm

It's simple really,if you don't trust someone it's the end of the road

SimpleDimples · 25-03-2018 6:35pm

What is the point in being with someone you cannot trust? You'll spend your life second guessing everything. He's a p**** and you are better off without him.

Might also be a good idea to get an sti test.

MissShihTzu · 25-03-2018 6:44pm

It's staring you right in the face. He cheated. He lied, and continues to lie.

Forget the fact you're saving for a house. Forget even the fact you're 29. It's irrelevant - You're a young woman who could easily start again if you had to.

The signs are there - It's up to you whether you pick them up or not.

whiskeyman · 25-03-2018 7:03pm

Just be thankful you didn't but a house together or get married.

He sounds very deceitful.
Not got when he kept denying it.
Is he sorry at all?
You don't mention how he has reacted since you found him out.

LoMismo · 25-03-2018 7:06pm

Someone did this to me and when in found out somehow managed to make me think it was my fault. I stayed with them for another year till they dumped me anywau like the muppet I was. In saying that they had already worn down any dignity I had in myself to nothing at that stage.

Anyway there’s no way back from this. He might be a good guy and we all make mistakes, but this behaviour just can’t be excused. He’s made his bed and now you need to get the hell out of there. Don’t be a mug like I was. Walk away and don’t look back. Best of luck.

Pretty Polly · 25-03-2018 7:10pm

whiskeyman wrote: »

Just be thankful you didn't but a house together or get married.

He sounds very deceitful.
Not got when he kept denying it.
Is he sorry at all?
You don't mention how he has reacted since you found him out.

He's said he's sorry a few times. He has text and called lots. He also wants to meet up to discuss things.
He's saying it didn't mean anything and it was a mistake. He's really playing it down though, as if he just kissed her!! :mad: About the cost of the accommodation...he said that he didn't want to worry me about the cost of it.

I just can't believe this has happened.

Edit: I also asked him to take a lie detector test. He said he shouldn’t have to...

Sephiroth_dude · 25-03-2018 7:11pm

You don't trust him anymore, he's cheated and lied, I would end the relationship personally, as heart breaking as it will be to do that I think if you stayed it would always be in the back of your mind "is he cheating" and you would be miserable and that's no way to live.

MissShihTzu · 25-03-2018 7:12pm

Pretty Polly wrote: »

He's said he's sorry a few times. He has text and called lots. He also wants to meet up to discuss things.
He's saying it didn't mean anything and it was a mistake. He's really playing it down though, as if he just kissed her!! :mad: About the cost of the accommodation...he said that he didn't want to worry me about the cost of it.

I just can't believe this has happened.

Sorry? - He's only sorry he got caught. And he's treating you like a mushroom - Kept in the dark and fed bull****,

punisher5112 · 25-03-2018 7:12pm

Continue saving but don't pretend or think this is or would be a good idea to end up buying a property together.

Leave him off.

MissShihTzu · 25-03-2018 7:14pm

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

You don't trust him anymore, he's cheated and lied, I would end the relationship personally, as heart breaking as it will be to do that I think if you stayed it would always be in the back of your mind "is he cheating" and you would be miserable and that's no way to live.

It's boring and tiring to live that way. You're way too young for that!

professore · 25-03-2018 7:33pm

Pretty Polly wrote: »

He's said he's sorry a few times. He has text and called lots. He also wants to meet up to discuss things.
He's saying it didn't mean anything and it was a mistake. He's really playing it down though, as if he just kissed her!! :mad: About the cost of the accommodation...he said that he didn't want to worry me about the cost of it.

I just can't believe this has happened.

Edit: I also asked him to take a lie detector test. He said he shouldn’t have to...

Why bother with a lie detector test? He's proven he's a massive liar already.

MissShihTzu · 25-03-2018 7:58pm

professore wrote: »

Why bother with a lie detector test? He's proven he's a massive liar already.

OP - You do know lie detector tests aren't reliable, don't you? Why do you think they are not admissible here?

Redser87 · 25-03-2018 8:04pm

Break up with him. No way you want to get stuck with him by buying a house together, particularly considering the housing crisis in Dublin... you'd be better off getting a smaller place and being happier in it. If you don't trust him now, the trust is not coming back.

Pretty Polly · 25-03-2018 8:15pm

He just messaged me...'Have you told anyone about all this'.

It sickens me to think that I would never have found out, only for I decided to check his phone when he was asleep.

MissShihTzu · 25-03-2018 8:18pm

I would ignore him for now. Give your head a chance to clear and process what's happened. Answer him (if you want) in your own time. Don't be in a hurry to answer him.

Seve OB · 25-03-2018 8:26pm

Doomed if you ask me

deise08 · 25-03-2018 8:28pm

Sounds like he's in damage limitation mode now. Worried 'did you tell anyone?' but not worried about you. Once trust is gone ,all I can say from experience, is there is no point.. You'll stay, you'll change. You'll get bitter and all consumed. Spend all your energy negatively. It's not worth it. He's not worth it.

punisher5112 · 25-03-2018 8:32pm

I was with a girl years ago that was going off behind my back even was as low to have me drop her off to the other guys home on numerous occasions. Obviously I didn't know till a few months after.

That was cold and something that would make one feel stupid but I moved on as is best for these things.

pc7 · 27-03-2018 11:48am

Pretty Polly wrote: »

It sickens me to think that I would never have found out, only for I decided to check his phone when he was asleep.

Once you go down the route of checking the phone I think its doomed regardless, it means you don't trust him. How can you trust him going forward? Honestly your head will be melted anytime he goes anywhere, its not worth that. You are only 29, thankfully no mortgage or kids together so its easier to walk away. Best of luck op, not a nice situation.

Sephiroth_dude · 27-03-2018 11:54am

Pretty Polly wrote: »

He just messaged me...'Have you told anyone about all this'.

Charming :rolleyes:, no concern for you it seems, just concerned about how all this will make him look, I'd dump him then block him.

SAMTALK · 27-03-2018 1:56pm

Sounds like he isn't ready to face the responsibility of settling down and getting a house.

You seem to be the one managing the saving and yet he was ready to "escape" and go on holidays with his friends and no admit to how much it cost.

Xterminator · 27-03-2018 2:03pm

Hi Op

maybe you need to take a week to get your head together. Ask boyfriend to give you space for a few days & dont make this decision until your calm.

all the free advice on the internet is great but its you that will have to live with the consequences of your decison here. follow your heart.

Do you want to give it another chance?

If so ask him to attend relationship counselling and see if you can rebuild the trust.
If you don't want to, then show him the door and make a clean break.

Neyite · 27-03-2018 3:16pm

If you'd been married years, mortgaged up to the eyeballs and a few kids then I would say sometimes - depending on the circumstances - it may be worth looking at trying to get past something like this as a couple.

But unfortunately in your case, I don't think it's wise - you are just starting out your lives together and aren't tied to each other legally yet, so while your heart is obviously hurting, you can walk away from this with relative ease.

He lied and lied and would have continued to lie only for you produced proof. He's shown by his text he's more worried about other people's opinion than yours - and you are supposedly the woman he loves most in the world.You'll always wonder whether he's where he says he is. Whether that thing cost how much he told you it cost. That will have a big impact on you as a person.

I think you need to get some space away from him - block him and stay with a friend and give your head some time to think. And I think you'll need to book a STI check too, sorry.

Airyfairy12 · 27-03-2018 8:44pm

Please leave. If you stay this will happen again and again. I assume you have money saved.. take your half and go do something exciting. There are literally billions of men out there, you'll find somebody else.

runningbuddy · 28-03-2018 8:39am

Sorry to read this OP. You need to take care of yourself first. Distance yourself from him. I know it's hard but you need to. Personally, I wouldn't stay. It's not just the cheating, he has lied about other things too, which is worrying.

Do the basics, eat well, rest and exercise (or whatever it is you do to relax). Take it day by day.

waxmelts2000 · 28-03-2018 5:27pm

Having been in the same situation as you find yourself I broke up with my ex, I could not trust him and he continually lied to me. It was tough at the start as we were together 4 years but now 8 months later it was the best decision for me as I could not have a future with him.
Be strong , my ex came crawling back after 3 months begging me to take him back. I'm sorry that you have treated like this but he is not worth it . You cannot trust him and you deserve so much better.

MissShihTzu · 28-03-2018 5:42pm

Valyawl wrote: »

Having been in the same situation as you find yourself I broke up with my ex, I could not trust him and he continually lied to me. It was tough at the start as we were together 4 years but now 8 months later it was the best decision for me as I could not have a future with him.
Be strong , my ex came crawling back after 3 months begging me to take him back. I'm sorry that you have treated like this but he is not worth it . You cannot trust him and you deserve so much better.

The same thing happened to me too. Only my ex left, married the bit on side and begged me to take him back after the honeymoon!:eek: Revenge was sweet - She put him out for the same nonsense too!

Stay strong ladies - You deserve better!

Estrellita · 29-03-2018 8:03pm

Instant red card, I'd never trust him again. He lied repeatedly, you don't know if he took precautions while he was away. He could have given you anything and was willing to keep the lie going.

You don't want to be financially tied to him either. You found out in the nick of time if you ask me. Ditch him and get yourself tested. Dont let him disrespect you like that and get away with it.

Reesy · 02-04-2018 2:07pm

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Stay strong ladies - You deserve better!

Gents deserve better too!

Scarinae · 03-04-2018 2:52pm

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you need to save the relationship because you've been together for X number of years, and thinking that you'll never find anyone else. You're only 29! Believe me when I say I know how it feels - I was with my ex for eight years and was 28 when I discovered that he was cheating on me, and the lies he told to both me and the other girl were crazy, cowardly and insulting. I felt like my whole world had collapsed, all our future plans down the drain, and me back to square one with a dating scene that was totally different to how it had been when I was in college.

Looking back at it now a few years later, I can see that the whole situation was a blessing despite being really painful at the time. I had been planning to move to another country on another continent with him, and it would have been so much worse if I'd done that and then he'd cheated on me, it would have been much more complicated starting out again on my own. Similarly, it's a good thing that you've found out who he truly is before you made the commitment of buying a house together and then having to untangle all your financial ties.

He's shown by his reaction that he's not truly sorry - he's minimising what happened and is worrying more about what other people will think than how it is affecting you, which shows a total lack of respect for you. You are worth so much more than this.

My boyfriend cheated on me...what to do???

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